Sauerkraut Here!
I had a shity day, literally.
I needed to go pick up a receipt
from the flower store and while I was out, I stopped for an Egg McMuffin, one
of my favorites. They fucked up
my “large, iced caramel, mocha Frappuccino” by the way. This information does have purpose, I promise. Moving on...
Later, when I got back to work,
it was time for the residents to do Yoga with Rudy. I hate yoga… Because Rudy annoys the shit out
of me. So, while Rudy did her thing, I
was trapped in the activities office and Molly was trapped in my office. I considered walking across the room to go to
my office, but I ran the risk of Rudy instructing the residents to “roar” at me…
That’s her passive aggressive way of letting those who interrupt, know so. To be honest, I just couldn’t deal with it
that day.
So, after Yoga with Rudy, I made
my way across the room to my office to discover Molly lying by the puppy gate,
normally she’s on her bed. Then I
noticed she was shaking. When Molly shakes
it means one of four things: 1) She’s cold.
2) She’s nervous. 3) She has to go potty and 4) She did something naughty. This time is was four.
My sweet, little pooch took, what
I believe to be, a massive dump in my office.
As if that weren’t bad enough, she walked in the poop until every drop
of it was ground into the carpet, there was shit everywhere! So, I spent a large chunk of my day scrapping
dog shit out of my pup’s paws. The shit
was so thick that it wouldn't come off her paws by simply walking around
outside, which is why I had to scrap it out.
It was like her new paw pads were a layer of shit.
When I finished cleaning the
carpet in my office, I took a trip to the bathroom where I regretted eating my Egg
McMuffin, but I regretted it more when I sharted myself on the way out to the dumpster. I’m not sure what I
was thinking, but instead of going directly to the bathroom, I kept walking to
put the trash into the dumpster. Perhaps,
I was questioning whether or not I just shit myself... At the age of 32... At work. Indeed, back in the building I had to lose
the undies and clean myself up.
Shortly after, I got a call from
my boss telling me that I had to transport a resident to a doctor’s appointment. Normally I wouldn’t mind but today, I was busy pinching
my cheeks and it was 20 minutes away… Oh yes, and this was this residents 800th
trip to the fucking gynecologist! As
much as I enjoyed riding in my car listening to her tell me how “pleasant” her gynecologist
was and how he “is inside her every 3 months,” I was slightly more concerned
that I would lose my job for pulling over to shit on the side of a public road.
When we arrived, I felt fine. However, while chatting with my mother on the
phone in the parking lot, I suddenly realized, bad things were about to happen. Pinching my cheeks, I rushed as fast as I
could into the hospital begging for directions to the nearest bathroom. I pushed passed the usher, or whatever the
fuck you call them, and rushed to the pot.
When I made it, I decided my days of Egg McMuffin’s are over.
Luckily, there was a pharmacy
right outside the bathroom where I was able to purchase a bottle of Pepto
Bismol. I sipped it, with class, in the front
lobby… Where I attempted to be extra kind to the usher lady I plowed through
minutes prior.
In other news, I received a
little gem of a text message today. When I
first opened it I saw the text, “class photo” and I quickly glanced at the
photo before realizing I couldn’t see it well enough. Then I noticed a weird kid, front and center. I thought to myself, “What the hell is that kid doing?” And then it hit me… “Oh fuck, please don’t let that be my nephew…” It is.
Yup, my nephew is “that kid.” So
proud.
I also went to the store without
a bra on tonight and decided that I need to lose weight so I can shave my vagina better.
That is all.
Sauerkraut
