I Need A Job!

Sauerkraut Here!

Lets see…

Yesterday was awful. I worked from 8AM to 2PM and as soon as I got off work I rushed home to get ready for a “job interview.” An interview that I almost didn’t go to but my mom talked me into it… After telling me she’d “rather deliver a baby than look for a job.” Awesome mom. As it turns out this wasn’t really an interview, but a staffing service, my favorite. Here’s why I hate these places…

1) You apply for a “Student Advisor” position and receive a phone call (at 6PM the day before) asking you to come in for a different position.

2) You’re asked to register with the fucking agency prior to coming in for an interview, fill out an application online (prior to the interview) bring two copies of your resume, a list of references and two forms of identification… Really? All this for a fucking interview? P.S. I showed up with two resumes printed on computer paper (the ultimate sin) and… Welp, that’s it. Haha!

3) When you get there, you already feel pretty bad about yourself but to make matters worse you’re surrounded by idiots who make you look even dumber because your both there for the same reason! For example: Yesterday I was in the waiting room with a kid who looked like he hadn’t taken a bath in days and some dumb shit who wore his best suit, came prepared with a fancy leather folder, to store business cards of people he doesn’t know in. Then he thinks it’s a great idea to strike up a conversation with the British receptionist by saying “Well, today sure is a big day for you.” Referring to the royal wedding. Really? But to top things off, when she asked him about his recent employment, it was Convergy’s. Nice.

4) Before you interview you have to take a brief survey, stupid.

5) After a brief interview you’re asked to take a series of tests to gauge your proficiency on Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook and typing.

6) Finally, you get a fucking interview for a position that doesn’t exist… But if something comes up, they’ll let YOU know. Because they won’t forget YOU when there are hundreds of dip fuck, ex Convergy’s employees running around.

7) After three fucking hours, you’re released into the world to pay the fucking parking garage by check because you’re a dollar short. Should I really be paying for parking when I’m looking for work? No!

Moving right along…

I'm pretty sure my new curling iron came with a strap-on dildo thing. 

Work was fucking awesome today. I walked in and within minutes (maybe three) I realized I had just stepped into hell.

I can hear three people cracking jokes, one ready to go ape shit and see that one is about to cry. Before I can figure out the situation and eat my Egg McMuffin (my Saturday treat) I’m yanked away by the owner only to cause a war amongst the owner, my supervisor and another employee.

The owner is… A grumpy, fanatic asshole… And for whatever reason when he sees me he makes a b-line toward me assigning me to the worst job in the joint.

So, I’ve told the owner my name numerous times and for whatever reason he can’t remember it. Well, yesterday he tapped me on the shoulder in a rather rude manner and assigned me to a different project than the one I was in the middle of. Today when I went in everyone was calling me “Tap Tap” and sure enough, within seconds, the owner drug me off to some awful project.

Well, he forgot my name and my supervisor (she’s a feisty one) laid into him about not know my name. Before I could process what had just happened (it was early) another co-worker of mine got pissed at my supervisor for disrespecting the owner. I then realized it was going to be a crazy fucking day so I hide in the cooler, among the flowers, long enough to eat my Egg McMuffin… I hide it in pocket of my apron. I’m pretty classy.

I spent the rest of the day doing bitch jobs around the building. Fun! Here’s the thing, I don’t mind doing the bitch jobs because I understand they need to be done and I know I’m helping, but I’m a little bitter that everyone else got to green and make rose arrangements while I unloaded vases, filled them with water, stocked the cooler, swept and took out the garbage.

I guess I just feel like I do more bitch work than “floral design.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a job, I enjoy it and I like my co-workers, but damn. I’m hoping I’ll get the opportunity to learn more things and practice my skills after the holiday. We shall see.

I Heart To Fart and I went to Zuppa's the other day.  Apparently you get a chocolate covered strawberry with your meal and when I peeled the chocolate off my strawberry it reminded me of wax job.  Neat-O.  I couldn't stop looking at it!

What else? Oh! Today The Neighbor Girl was asking me about the location of the nodules on my neck and I decided to share this information with all of you so you can see not only the location, but also the size of the damn things.

He's a biggin'. 

Now that I have shared this information with you, I will glare at you should I catch you checking out my neck during dinner at a restaurant… Not really, but whatever.

P.S.  The day I went to the needle doctor they stuck me in this room with a drawer labeled “drill.”  Not a good move.  Just saying.

Finally, I went to the Cheesecake Factory with Mr. Coconut tonight. This made me happy because I’ve been very, very, very depressed lately and it was so nice to have a little company and do something on a Saturday night, or any night for that matter.

Perhaps my favorite thing about Mr. Coconut is that he accepts me just the way I am. Meaning, it didn’t bother him one bit that I rolled up into that bitch wearing sweats and swearing like a sailor. It was nice to go somewhere with him. That was the first time we’ve been out since Valentine’s Day.

Sianara Assholes!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. That job I interviewed for… Three fucking times! I called about it on Friday and 5 minutes after I hung up, I received a rejection email. Neat-O.

P.P.S.  I was watching Animal Cops the other day and this guy punched a little, white kitten in the heads so hard that it caused brain damage and forced him to go blind.  My little Grinch heart broke.  And yes, I wanted the kitten... After it got fucked up.  

"Doctor, Doctor..."

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It’s been a very busy few days.

I was feeling pretty depressed on Easter because I didn’t have any plans. Because of my current financial situation and my work schedule, it wasn’t in my best interest to drive home. So here I sat, by myself.

I was supposed to go over to Chickpeas house, but she had a family emergency so things didn’t work out. I Heart To Fart invited me to spend Easter with his family, but I didn’t know if plans would work out, just in case I picked up a pretty little Easter lily. To my surprise plans with I Heart To Fart did come through and although it wasn’t my family, it was nice to be with people.

Compared to my little family, I Heart To Fart has a huge family. Everyone was dressed so nice and all of his nephews looked the same, blond hair, clothed in white shirts and dark slacks. I had fun munching on snacks, hiding Easter eggs and smothering Baby Ryan while the kids searched for Easter eggs with “Easter Jeff” AKA I Heart To Fart dressed in a bunny suit.

Overall it was a good time and I’m super thankful I wasn’t alone on the holiday.

What else?

Things are going well at work. Because of the holiday’s (Secretary’s Day and Mother’s Day) I’m getting a bunch of hours, but not a lot of opportunities to do arrangements. I understand that it’s busy right now and I’d rather try out some of the stuff I’ve been trained on when I’m not being rushed because we have so many orders, but I’m hoping things change after the holiday’s, we’ll see.

I’m still looking for a full-time job. I had three interviews at that one place, but haven’t heard anything since; they said they’d let me know by tomorrow. I also have an interview with a staffing agency tomorrow for a “temp to hire” position at some random place. Honestly, I’m not sure I want to go, “temp to hire?” In other news…

Yesterday I went to the doctor to have a biopsy (needle stuck in my neck/chunk of tissue yanked out) done on my thyroid. Eight years ago when I got my first biopsy done it was about an inch long, apparently it has grown to be over two inches long, super. The doctor said that if it continues to grow, which it will, it will need to be removed, I cried.

So, during the ultrasound of my neck, the doctor discovered another nodule on the right side, joy! But it was too small to biopsy. So, from this point forward I need to have a yearly ultrasound to monitor the growth of both of these aliens growing in my neck. If the one on the right gets bigger… Yup, you guessed it, another needle in my neck.

Today I went to a different doctor to see if the pneumonia cleared my lungs, indeed in has… But I’m supposed to take the Flonase. Mr. Doctor Man also refilled two of my prescriptions and told me I need to work on my posture because my vertebra are getting very close to each other and they could begin to fuse. At my age, that’s bad. Fuck my life.

So, this is a really boring post and I’m sure I have some funny stories to share, but I’m too tired to think and I have to get up early for work tomorrow. Regardless I’ll be a bitch, but the more sleep I get the better.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I think one of my doctor's is a perver/child molester. 

A Crossroad, Fingers Crossed And Crosses Like A Rap Star

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Today, after getting lost 3 times, I dropped a resume off at Chickpeas place of employment. Her boss seemed cool and I’m hoping I get an opportunity to interview. Her company is pretty solid, I’d get paid a little more than my other option and I have a feeling my benefits would kick in a lot sooner. So, fingers crossed.

After I dropped off my resume I ate an entire Chicken, Bacon Ranch Sandwich at Subway and headed off for a third interview at the special people place. For the past day I’ve been dreading this interview, but I knew I would go because… Well, I’m desperate.

Again, the interview was with two dudes who unlike their co-worker’s were not douche fucks. They actually had some really good questions and that I can respect. So, my plan is this…

If the special people place does decide to offer me the position, I will tell them I need two weeks… Because my part-time flower shop job as already scheduled me out two weeks in advance. During that time I’m hoping that Chickpeas boss will fall in love with me, interview me and hire me. Because I’m a great person I will then call the special people place and tell them to suck a fat chick.

In other news, I just purchased tickets to a ghost tour hunt at an old mill in Brigham City, Utah. Truthfully, I’m hoping I don’t get so scared I run out crying… Again. I’d really like to stick it out and have a good time with my friends, but I am a little nervous about opening the doors to another world. What I really hope is that the ghosts don’t follow me home. My plan is to drench myself in so many crosses I look like a fucking rapper. I will keep you updated.

This is me... But I'll be white... And have a six pack of rolls... And my jewelry won't be diamonds, but instead from the local party store. Sigh... I'm hopeless.

I think this is good enough for today?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I have not shit myself lately.  Score!

Ms. Poopy Pants

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Here’s a good story… My mother called me from work today because she was sad that all of her co-workers were planning an Easter egg hunt for their kids/grandkids and she wasn’t invited because she doesn’t have either. Honestly, I felt really bad for her because I could tell her feelings were hurt.

Later in the day I was sitting on the couch using the computer when I realized I had to fart. Since I’m in the comfort of my own home I decided to let it rip… Well, that was a mistake.

This didn’t feel like a normal fart and it wasn’t long before I asked myself, “Did I just shit myself!?” I jumped up, checked my pants and indeed, I fucking shit myself.

In a panic I rushed to the toilet, jumped in the shower and started the washer. When I got out of the shower I called my mom to inform her that her daughter had just shit her pants. As a result I was hoping we’d get an invitation to the Easter egg hunt because I, like the other kids/grandkids, was still shitting my pants.

In other news, on Sunday I had breakfast with Sheek Geek and Tar-J at the Sego Lily Café in Bountiful, Utah, Tar-J’s pick. It was a cool little place; they converted an old brick house into a restaurant (PDX would have loved this place, although I don’t think the food was weird enough for her). Anyways, I had the Cashew French Toast as did my food soul mate, Sheek Geek. Speaking of Sheek Geek…

When I arrived at the house I could tell both kido’s were sleepy and I was no different. I waited on the couch with my favorite bipolar Chihuahua (who loved me that day) and when Sheek Geek was ready we pilled into the car. Well, that was a mistake.

I tried to warn him by closing my eyes, plugging my ears and screaming but it was to late. Sheek Geek had already put the car in reverse, stepped on the gas and slammed into my car.

To be honest, I wasn’t upset at all. I was a little shocked at what had just happened and I was thinking to myself, “This would happen to me,” but I wasn’t mad. Did I think my VW Beetle had been turned into a smart car, yup.

Poor Sheek Geek just couldn’t take it; he just sat in the car with his hand over his face. But little Tar-J was in full-blown “everybody stay calm, we can fix it” mode. When I got out of the car to see the damage I was shocked! There wasn’t, from what Tar-J and I could see, any damage. How could this be? Puppy magic.

Today was my day off and aside from shitting my pants it was a good day. I got some chores taken care off, my house picked up and some laundry done.

Tomorrow it’s back to work at the flower shop. As always, I’m excited to learn/make stuff, but I’m starting to get frustrated that I’m not progressing in certain areas. Speaking of jobs…

I went to a second interview at that place I was telling you about in a previous post… I walked out of there, not wanting the job. I thought the first interview was bad, nope. The two idiots who interviewed me had the worst interviewing skills. They had no relevant questions and there was more silence in the room, than conversation. They weren’t friendly, they mocked my mannerism’s, they informed me that they “weren’t happy my potential predecessor was leaving,” they told me there was “no room for growth in the company” and they asked me how I liked one of the girls I previously interviewed with because “not many people in the company like working with her and I will be working in the same cubical as her.” Way to sell your company, dumb shits.

To answer PDX’s questions…

1) Let’s Get Metaphysical… “Explore spiritual tools to help you better understand yourself. Sample several metaphysics topics including: examine your individual astrological chart, uncovering the names of your guardian angels, past-life regression, tarot card reading, and more.”

2) Am I staying in Utah? I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Finally, everyone seems to like Cowboy Cake 1, the most important vote being my little nephew, so… Cowboy Cake 1 it is, sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

It's Been Awhile

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I’m sure you’ve all been wondering where I’ve been and why I haven’t been posting. The truth is, I’ve been super busy.

Last week I went home for a few days and I stayed busy all day, everyday. I made cookies for my grandpa/uncle, took grandma shopping, ran a few errands, went car shopping with my mother and topped it off with a dentist appointment, they told me I had “beautiful teeth.”

I planned to leave Tuesday morning, but when I realized it was Tuesday, I wanted to stick around to see if my puppy was done. When I woke up I headed straight to the drawer with the phone book in it, but my grandpa was already on the phone, he must have heard me wake up. They’re lucky he called before me because I was ready to chew some ass.

My grandpa said he was done and that we could pick him up in a few minutes. I waited anxiously and as soon as it had been “15 minutes” I was yelling at the top of the stairs, “Grandpa! Can we go?”

When we arrived at the vet I jumped out of the car, rushed inside and scanned the receptionist desk. Sure enough, there sat a little white box, it was my puppy. She handed it over to us, grandpa passed it along to me and like an idiot (again) I was crying too much to see the writing. I focused just long enough to make sure it was my puppy, nodded my head, mustered up an “Okay.” and bolted for the door.

 Thanks for washing your hands before placing the sticker on the box, assholes.

When we got in the car my grandfather asked to see him so I handed him over. Good ol’ grandpa took a glace at the box and tossed him in the cup holder. “Grandpa! Don’t just throw him down!” I scooped him up and he spent the rest of the ride in my lap, just like he did when he was alive.

When I got back to my grandparents house, I loaded up the car, said goodbye to my grandparents and headed to my moms office. I thought about leaving my puppy at my house or with my grandparents, but I knew he would be happier if he was with my mom, so I took him there. Now he’s at home with my mother and that makes me happy because I know that’s where he’d like to be.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been taking care of odds and ends, looking for a new, full-time job and work, work, working at the flower shop.

I won my unemployment claim, despite my employer trying to argue it. I won’t be receiving much money, but it’s something. Honestly, I probably won’t have it for too long because I’ve been lots of hours at the flower shop. And to be really honest, I just wanted to win as a giant “fuck you” to the company… Fucking psychos!

In other news… I’ve most recently learned funeral work, boutonnières/corsages and leis. I enjoy doing both of these things, but the boutonnieres/corsages hurt my hands after awhile because they’re so tiny; I also struggle with “funeral sprays.” Today I did my first easel, I was a little lost at first, but once I got started I think I did okay. Here’s some of my most recent work…

My first funeral spray.

My first easel.

On Friday I had an interview for a full-time job, I’m hoping for a little “puppy magic.” I should know (either way) by the middle of next week. I’d love to work at the flower shop full-time, but the truth is I just can’t make ends meet on the pay, boo.

What else?

My bathroom window fell apart, because I live in a very classy apartment complex.

That reminds me... I found barf outside my door this morning, joy!

Awesome.  Neat-O.

I found these new things... My mom says they're not new, but have instead, "come back."  Anyways, they're little stickers you put on your nails and they come in all sorts of cute patterns, I picked the hippie flowers.

Oh! My little nephew (Izzy) left me the sweetest message on my phone last night. I can only make out a few of his words but it doesn’t matter to me, just hearing his sweet little voice makes my day. My brother (who sounds eerily similar to my father) was trying to walk him through the message, but my nephew was more concerned about informing me that “he’s a pirate.”

Cowboy Cake 1

Cowboy Cake 2

Also, as you know, I originally planned on making my nephew a birthday cake that looked like a monster, but The Neighbor Girl has asked me if I could switch to a cowboy, apparently my nephew thinks he’s a cowboy too. So, at the bottom of this page I want you to vote for one of these two cakes, keep in mind I'm a beginner…

And now, I’m sick of writing. So…

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I signed up for a “Let’s Get Metaphysical” class. God I’m a disaster.

My Buddies

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I’m finally getting around to the last day of this stupid blog challenge… Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Dweedle Kisses

I always miss my family, but lately I’ve really been missing my little nephews. I just miss being with them. I miss watching them, helping care for them, snuggling with them, watching cartoons, playing with them, etc. They’re just so much funny to be around and they always put me in a good mood. I really miss them.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Flowers And Cowboy's

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Here are a few more of my most recent flower arrangements. Like you fucking care, but too bad. Moving on…

I can’t decide if this one is really ugly, or kind of fall like and cool? Regardless it’s not fall, but I fucking wanted to use the sunflowers and Bells of Ireland!

I had fun making this one.  It was an online order from FTD, sent to us to fulfill.  And for whatever reason I loved those little yellow balls.  I guess they're called "Billy Balls," but I call them the Horton Hears a Who Flower Thing."  Very technical name, I know.    

This has got to be the ugliest fucking arrangement I've ever seen.  Yes, it’s ugly because I was high as shit on silver spray paint fumes when I attempted to make it, but it’s also ugly because some dude decided to order his chick 25 sliver roses in recognition of their 25th anniversary AKA their silver anniversary.  Sigh.  

This was a neat little arrangement, it's called the "Black Tie." 

In other news, my nephew (Izzy) wants a "cowboy cake," how the fuck am I going to pull that off?  I guess I'd better start thinking because I can't disappoint my favorite little person.  I actually have an idea of what I'd like to do, but it's top secret.  Rawr.

My little "cowboy."

That is all.

Sauerkraut 

Wedding Bells

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I saw that this was posted on Facebook, so I can officially talk about it.

This morning I woke up early, tried to cover the hair dye still stuck to my face and drove to Farmington, Utah to witness the wedding of Sheek Geek and Tar-J.

A few days ago I received a text message from Tar-J asking me what I was doing today, since I no longer have a full-time job, my schedule is pretty open. A few moments later she asked me if I would be a witness at her wedding to Sheek Geek.

I’m so honored that they would ask me to do something like that! Even if I did have to work, I would have taken time off to be there.

So this morning I drove to the cutest little courthouse ever and waited for the happy couple to arrive. Just when I started looking at the creepy photos of public officials hanging on the wall, in they came. The groom was dressed in slacks, a white polo, company jacket and headgear AKA a wireless headset. Could you be more of a geek? The bride was dressed in some nice slacks, a white cardigan and ruby red slippers, how precious is that?

We chatted in the hallway for a few moments while we waited for Regina (the other “witness”) and I could tell both of them were experiencing a flood of emotions. They were both excited, but nervous more than anything; this was a big step for them. They tried to hide it by focusing on the logistics of the situation, but it was no use, I knew what was going on.

When Regina arrived we walked to the office, they filled out some paperwork and a few moments later we were headed to the room for a wedding. Once inside the room I sat while “Brian” performed the ceremony.

Sheek Geek and Tar-J have made some pretty serious steps in their relationship (moving in together, buying a house together, combining their bank accounts, etc.) but it all went out the window during the ceremony. Sure they jumped the gun because of insurance purposes, but during their ceremony I could see that they truly loved each other.

At first they stood there at ease, holding hands and giggling at the unfamiliar ness of the situation, but it wasn’t long before their focus shifted. I watched Sheek Geeks knees locked up (the poor kid looked like he was going to fall over), I watched Tar-J comfort him by rubbing his hand and I watched them recited their vows with tears in their eyes.

Look at Sheek Geek's knee's!  So precious!

Lucky for them the ceremony was short… I’m not sure their little bodies could have lasted much longer. After the ceremony we all signed the marriage certificate (so exciting) and headed back to the office. Brian signed/stamped a few things and that was it, they were married! In less than 15 minutes.

Perhaps the sweetest part of the day (for me) was when Sheek Geek thanked me for coming. Normally Sheek Geek and I spend our time talking shit to each other or talking business. The moment was so rare and his words were so sincere; it touched my little Grinch like heart. I was so happy I could be there for him and Tar-J.

So, I’d like to take this time to congratulate the newlyweds and wish them the best of luck. It’s going to be a ton of work and you will have good days and bad, but I think you guys can do it. Congrats kido’s!

That is all.

Sauerkraut