Baby Steps

Sauerkraut Here!

Tomorrow I weigh-in and it’s not going to be pretty. I was doing really well and then Friday happened. It was probably my worst day on the job… Any job… That I’ve ever had. Thank shitness I had some buddies to take my mind off things, but I still sampled some Red Mango (a frozen yogurt shop known for its all-natural frozen yogurt. This is probably why I didn’t like it.) and made Chickpea take me to McDonalds on the way home from our outing. Sigh. The next day I think we ate Noodles (which was awful, DON'T get the Bacon, Mac and Cheeseburger, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking) and Sonic (I couldn’t resist the Red Velvet Blast thingy), fuck my life.

How precious is this photo?

However, today is a new day and I’m going to get back on the bandwagon, I need to stay focused.  Baby steps, baby steps!

I was lucky enough to have friends to surround myself with this weekend and that meant more to me than they will ever know.

Perhaps the highlight of my weekend was a conversation with my brother. Apparently my nephew (Izzy) asked him Saturday night, “Where his Sauerkraut was?” My nephew is two-years-old and it shocks me that he remembers who I am. I would expect that he would remember who I was when I’m around him, but not when I haven’t seen the little guy in a few months. Really, it melts my heart. All I want is to be a part of those boy’s lives, for them to know who I am and that I love them very much. Toward the end of our conversation Izzy got on the phone said, “Hi Sauerkraut. Love you. Bye.” Tender.

This just in! I JUST received a video from The Neighbor Girl and my Dweedle Bug has taken his first steps!

I tired to post the video, but it wouldn't let me... So I'm posting a photo of him eating an Oreo instead.

I’m very excited for him, but a little sad for myself. I loved it when Izzy was tiny and I could hold him as much as I wanted and he didn’t have a choice. Then he started walking… And the monster hasn’t stopped going! Getting some snuggle time with him is impossible. So, I’m very happy for little Dweddle Bug, but I’m going to miss our snuggle time.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Bad Idea

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I had a horrible idea yesterday; I should dye my hair black. I wasn’t really going for black, but rather a super dark brown. But, what do you expect when you select “Midnight Black” for a color? Seesh. So, here’s the damage.

What's done, is done.

The NEW Black 

The "Rocker"

"The Snookie" 

 That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I used mascara to darken my eyebrows... I'm a dumb ass. 

Fuck This Other BS, I Need To LIVE Life, Not Survive It

Sauerkraut Here!

When I was sitting in my car, listening to Sarah McLachlan I had a thought. I shared this thought with PDX, but I’ve decided to share it with you…

We (meaning people) spend so much time trying to survive in this world (that in my opinion is going to shit really fucking fast) that we’re missing out on life.

From this point forward I will try really, really hard to stop putting myself down for not making three figures (the only sign of success in my swallow mind) and try to focus on doing what I need to in order to get by but focusing on living life.

To start, this means: getting healthy, going to my full-time job (clocking in and clocking out, nothing more), getting a second job (clocking in and clocking out, nothing more) and surrounding myself with things that make me happy. For example: baking, sewing, making crafts, spending time with my family and friends, etc.

In other news… I got a knife in the mail.

I’ve wanted this knife for a really long time and I finally hunted it down and ordered it. However, considering my work day, today probably was not the best day for Sauerkraut to receive a knife in the mail.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

"You Do The Crime, You Pay The Time"

Sauerkraut Here!

I went to the gym last night. That’s three days in a row! Maybe that’s no biggie to you, but it’s huge for me. It was awful (because I hate exercising) but I’m very proud of myself for not only going, but for putting in a good workout. I think it was a good workout? I could “feel the burn” and I had sweat dripping down my face into my eyeballs, which stung by the way.

I don’t think you’re supposed to go to the gym every day? But, I figure I’m really fat right now, so it can’t hurt. Plus, at this point in the game I’m afraid to take a day off because I will never go back, this has happened several times. I did my normal routine, which I also know is not good, but I’m not really sure how to spice it up? I was thinking about going to a different gym to use the swimming pool, but that pool was absolutely foul.

When I got home I made myself a yummy little dinner of chicken teriyaki and rice. Unfortunately I ate after 7PM, which I hear is bad and I probably ate more than I should have. However, I did not eat it all, this my friends, is amazing. Normally, no matter how full I am, I eat everything on my plate, everything.

So I need to get into a routine going, I’m a Scorpio and we love routine. I need to plan out how I’m going to work my full-time job, work a part-time job (if someone would give me a fucking chance), maintain my home (which is currently trashed), prepare healthy meals and exercise. I know all this is possible; I just have to figure out how to do it all.

So, as you know my first goal is to lose 18 lbs. by Memorial Day. Then my goal is to fit into these shorts:

I wore these in college and I loved them because they made my ass look huge and juicy.

Then my goal is to fit into these shorts, which may be a stretch.

These were my mom’s jeans when she was young. We cut them up and my mom did some embroidery work on them, but we never finished because I got fat. Even when I was able to fit into these shorts, they were pretty tight.

This is how they currently fit, lol!  Oh for fuck sake!  I'm so fat!  Boo.

I would also like to get my BMI into the “normal” range. Here’s a fun fact! My current BMI is 32… That, according to The U.S. Department of Health and Health Services, is “obese.” Yippee for me! Believe it or not, there was a time (when I fit into the Elmo shorts) that my BMI was at 18. This is considered “underweight/normal weight,” it’s right on the border. Despite my diet of cereal, Ramen Noodles and Gatorade, I was built like a brick shit house, thanks to three hours of swimming every day.

I’m shocked that I’ve let myself get to this point. Each time I go to the gym I think to myself, “Sauerkraut, THIS is your punishment for letting yourself turn into this jelly blob.” You do the crime, you pay the time.

In other news, my mother bought me a bulldog when she was in town.

She felt bad that I couldn’t get a little dog, so she bought me this one. He doesn’t have a name yet, any suggestions?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I forgot the most important thing!  Last night, after my workout, I took some “before” photos...  And they are awful!  I still look like an overweight hippo, even after a workout!  I’m so embarrassed.  How the hell will I ever become a porn star looking like this?  Maybe there’s an opening in the “Chubby Chaser” industry?

The O.G.

Sauerkraut Here!

I just got to thinking...

The O.G.!  Yeah, yeah!

 Olive Garden has not been good to me, here’s why:

- I used to always order the Stuffed Chicken Parmesan, they got rid of it.

Yummy!

- Now I order the Chicken Alfredo. I love it, but it always, no matter where I order it, without fail, makes me sick. No, I won’t stop ordering it, it’s fucking good.

- Olive Garden was the site of my Last Supper. The “love of my life” (or so I thought) had just dumped me and being the idiot that I am, I thought it would be nice to do something for him, on his birthday… And yes, I was probably trying to win him back; I said I was an idiot. Anyways, I went out, bought all these balloons dropped them off early to the restaurant and when we arrived at our table, he rolled his eyes… And left the balloons behind. I’m pretty sure that was the last time I ever saw him. Dick.

- One time Mr. Coconut left his wallet at Olive Garden and being the idiot that I am I thought it would be nice of me to jump up, Sunday morning, while he snoozed away in the bedroom without a care in the world about his wallet being lost and go get his fucking wallet. When I got there, I parked my car and headed for the elevator. As I waited for the elevator I noticed a guy checking out my car. Thinking there may be a problem I signaled to him that it was my car and he signaled back to me… With attitude, to move it. Shocked by his unnecessary attitude, I snapped. I flew into the parking lot; called him every name in the book, told him to “go fuck his Mormon wife missionary style,” spit at him, and ran over his fucking valet parking sign… That was not there when I parked originally parked my car.

- Shortly before I quit/got fired from the radio station I spent my weekend working a six hour day, on no food. Starving, Mr. Coconut and I went to Olive Garden for dinner. I ordered the Chicken Alfredo (surprise), popped my sleeping pills and shortly after I started to feel very sick. When I started feeling dizzy and sweaty I thought it would be best if I headed to the bathroom to barf up my alfredo. I remember I was so dizzy I couldn’t see where I was going and I bumped into a Mormon bitch who like most, thought she owned her space blocking the path to the bathroom. So inconsiderate.

My stall was smaller, much smaller.

When I got to the bathroom, I entered the first stall open, unbuttoned my pants (I thought maybe I had the boo boo’s) and the next thing I knew I was on the floor… With my pants un-buttoned, fat hanging out for all to see and an awful pain in my face. Apparently, I passed out. This is the first I’ve ever passed out. I thought to myself, “Super” and then I heard one girl exclaim to everyone that “her father was a doctor!” I remember thinking, “Are you shiting me? You fucking U-Tard’s always exaggerate shit.” The hostess (with the most-est) brought me some water and I sat on the floor to my stall until I was ready to emerge from the bathroom. When I staggered out, there stood Mr. Coconut with a to-go bag. Oh, and the pain in the face? I hit my face on the toilet paper dispenser on the way down, I have a scar.

- Finally, while on the Great Idaho Road Trip I pet a little dog, I don’t even remember what kind it was, all I know is that I had an allergic reaction like no other. Some would think I just licked a cat. Knowing that I was having an allergic reaction I took some Benadryl (along with my sleeping pills) and begged I Heart To Fart and PDX to get me to some food quick, because I knew what would happen if I didn’t get something in my stomach soon. For whatever reason they were taking their sweet time getting ready and while I was trying to be considerate by not rushing them I was in major pain and feeling not so good. By the time we arrived at Olive Garden I was itching like crazy, covered in rashes, my eye was swollen shut and it was twitching. I still remember I Heart To Fart yelling at me, “Stop looking at me with your twitching eye!”

I serioulsy looked like this.

Of course there was a long wait that night and by the time we got to our table I was a mess. I honestly remember crap about dinner, but apparently I was talking a lot of shit to a lot of random people, very loudly mind you. I don’t remember ordering, eating, paying, leaving, nothing. I only remember I couldn’t get my oversized snowmen pajamas on that night and PDX trying to help me… If I recall I never got them on all the way and I gave up.

So, apparently Olive Garden is just not the place for me… But I will still go there.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Hefty Goal

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m hesitant to write about this topic for several reasons:

1) I’m not trying to compete with anyone. Meaning I’m not trying to be skinner than anyone.

2) I might fail… And there’s nothing, NOTHING! More embarrassing to me than failure. I could start my period, in public wearing white pants and it wouldn’t embarrass me, failure does. If I don’t tell anyone about my goals and I fail, it’s no biggie, because no one knew about my goals. However, if I tell someone about a goal and fail, then I’m embarrassed that I failed because I’m not perfect (my idea of perfect). Then, every time I talk/see you I will feel like you’re judging me for being a failure in life. And now you know how Sauerkraut works. Moving on…

So… Fuck this is hard for me… I, Sauerkraut am trying to lose weight. There I said it. It’s been a rough six years and I have gained a ton of weight as a result, here’s why:

1) I am an emotional eater. Yup! I eat when I’m happy, I eat to be social, I eat when I’m stressed (about being a failure in life), I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m angry and I eat when I’m bored. In other words, I’m always eating!

2) When I eat, I eat junk… Because it tastes fucking good. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a picky eater and that I don’t like the taste of many “healthy” foods. Therefore, there are not many healthy options I’m willing to eat. You may be thinking, “Sauerkraut! Why don’t you try some of these healthy options?” Or, “You’ll learn to enjoy these healthy options if you just give them a chance.” No, fuck you. I HAVE tried healthy options and they blow. More importantly I will ALWAYS love junk food, ALWAYS! There will NEVER be a day when I will choose a salad over a chicken sandwich with cheese. If I do order the salad, it’s because I’m trying to be “healthy,” but I will be thinking about the chicken sandwich with cheese the entire fucking time.  Also, the whole “Don’t deprive yourself, eat what you love but in smaller portions” saying, IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! Do you honestly think that I’m going to eat half a cupcake!? And guess what! I still taste the deliciousness of the cupcake long after “three bites,” so that saying, is also a crock of shit.

3) I hate exercising. Let me repeat this, I HATE EXERCISING! Think of something you really hate, for me it’s Mormons. I would rather dress in conservative clothes, sit through a fucking sacrament meeting and shake hands with 20 different child molesters than exercise. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. It takes everything and I mean EVERYTHING in me to go to the gym. And just because I make to the gym doesn’t mean it’s all downhill from there, no. I really have to push myself to get started, stay and finish my workout. If my thoughts were being broadcast for everyone to hear, I’d offend a lot of people, even the sailors (the sailors, “you cuss like a sailor.”). “But Sauerkraut, don’t you feel better afterward?” No! I want a fucking shower and some junk food. “Sauerkraut, why don’t you find something you enjoy?” What don’t you get? If it involves sweat, I DON’T LIKE IT. “But Sauerkraut, you swam for 10+ years.” And sometimes, I considered hiding in the locker room instead of going to practice… Bummer about my aunt being the coach.

So, if you haven’t figured it out losing weight will probably be the hardest thing I ever do in life, considering I don’t plan on having a child. I’ve started small by:

1) Eliminating soda. I actually didn’t drink soda until I got out of high school; soda was “bad” for a swimmer.

2) Eliminating coffee. I actually avoided coffee until I was about 27, because it makes your teeth yellow? Now (thanks to PDX), I love coffee, but I love things like frappuccino's, not black coffee. So, I’m eliminating coffee because: it’s expensive, it’s full of sugar and it makes your teeth yellow… In my case yellow-er.

3) Eliminating eating out. This will probably be the toughest one, by far. But, it will save me a ton of money and improve my diet. Maybe when I reach my goal I can start eating out occasionally? We’ll see.

4) Exercising. I need to exercise.

Currently, my goal is this… Lose 18lbs. by Memorial Day. What do you think? Too ambitious? I actually think this is a pretty reasonable goal considering you’re only supposed to lose 1-2 lbs. a week and during that time I will gain some muscle… Hopefully.

If I reach my goal I get the following… A new pair of jeans… Hopefully in a smaller size and this is assuming I don’t blow the crotch out of my current pair before May. And a pass to the tanning salon. Yes! I shall lose weight to be healthy and fuck it all up by getting skin cancer. Joy!

So, my plan is to document my up’s and down’s (there will be WAY more down’s) and hopefully, by sharing with goal with you, my Blog Buddies, I will be too afraid to fail and actually achieve my goal.

I started my flab-tabulous journey on… 2/22. I will not tell you how much I currently weigh, nor will I take photos of myself in my underwear. Actually, I might… But I won’t share them with you until I look better.

Not me, but I have mad respect for this girl.

What I will tell you is if I lose/gain weight, how much and some other exciting stuff. For example:

- I hate the gym, because it’s a meat market. If you’re wearing a face full of make-up and large hoop earrings while running on a treadmill, you’re not working out. What you are doing is looking to get poked by a dick… Probably a small one considering the guys you’re interested in are more than likely on steroids. Moving on…

- My vagina sweats profusely when I jog… I almost took a photo to post of my sweat drenched pants last night, but I thought that would scare you off? Does this mean I need a different type of pant? Are there anti-sweaty cahootie pants?
- Yesterday I forgot my second bra. Yes, I have to wear two. Anyways, I forgot my second bra, which is a sports bra, so I was left with a junky, push-up bra from Victoria’s Secret. Please note, I am not wearing a push-up bra to try and have bigger boobs at the meat market, but rather, it’s one of my only junk bras. Whatever, the whole point to this comment is this; my tits were flapping all over the place! It was like a pair of bouncy balls in an earthquake… Now they’re sore. Think about this if you ever want a boob job. May I also remind you that big tits sweat like a whore in church? Moving on…

- Running, who am I kidding? Jogging really hurts my big toes. How do I explain it? I feel like I’m getting blisters on the sides of my big toes when really I’m just putting pressure on my calluses. Does this mean I’m running incorrectly? Does this mean I need different shoes? Some insoles? What?

- When I’m done using a machine, I flip it off and move to the next.

- When I run… Dammit! Jog! When I jog! I repeat the following phrase over, and over, and over in my head, “Bowling Alley, Izzy, Dweedle. Bowling Alley, Izzy, Dweedle. Bowling Alley, Izzy Dweedle.” Aside from wanting to be healthier and thinner, I want to be able to keep up with my nephews… They are young, boys and I****d’s. I, am an overweight auntie.

So my friends let my shit-fuck, awful journey begin…

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Weigh-in’s are on Tuesday’s.

Fruit Loops and Ice Cream

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Last night I ate two bowls of fruit loops, then I decided I would go to the gym and run a mile (that's good for me)... It was not a good idea, but I held it in.

In other news... It takes a lot to make me blush.  Today my good buddy I Heart To Fart sent me the following video:

I will tell you what I told him, "I'm fascinated by their tight, little butt's, but I prefer a fat, juicy ass."

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I don't want to know how I Heart To Fart came across this video.

I Just Called

Sauerkraut Here!

I do this. When I get a message from someone I love, I save it.

I can’t remember if I posted about this, but I had a message saved on my phone that was over 8 months old. It was my brother telling me that I had just became an auntie, again. When I got my new potato phone it deleted my message, sad.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Cake Pops

Sauerkraut Here!

So, when I was looking for photos of my Valentine from Mr. Coconut I discovered some photos that deserve their own post.

Every few weeks my dear friend Chickpea hosts a party. First it was a Cookie Exchange, then it was a fiesta of some sort, I called it the “Fajita Fiasco” and most recently, it was a “Dessert Party.”

Let me tell you a little something about Chickpea’s parties… Actually, before I do let me say this, not only do I adore Chickpea, but I adore her parties. That being said, her parties are… Interesting?

What makes them “interesting?” Well, to begin Chickpeas idea of hosting a party includes:

- Organizing a party based on her latest food craving. I can respect this.

- Sending an email to some of her friends, not all, just some.

- Spending all day setting up her formal dining room, getting dolled up and waiting for her guests to arrive… Unfortunately, they never do. I however, always show up 1) Because I enjoy her company 2) I support her in her party hosting efforts and 3) Because it always makes me laugh, a lot. When no one shows up Chickpea starts reaching out to some of her other friends… The ones that weren’t originally invited but are needed now. She also demands that her sisters, which every ones are home, join in the festivities.

- When the party officially starts we usually dine one a “Papaderos Creation.” If you don’t know, the Papaderos family is a family of interesting cooks. I’ve witnessed chocolate cupcakes “frosted” with “red” (AKA pink) Rice Krispies (God I wish I had a photo), fajita’s (which I have nothing negative to say, but that was the day I discovered an actual sheep hanging upside down in their garage) and now “cake pops.” I will get to the cake pops in a moment.

- After dinner we usually sit and talk because her mother’s thrown away Apples to Apples and it isn’t long before “the party” (all 6 of us, many of whom are related to Chickpea) retire to our homes (at about 9:30PM). It’s wild people, wild.

So, let’s talk “cake pops.” When I was creating Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s test wedding cake Chickpea decided she would make cake pops for her next party, the “Dessert Party.” The day before her party I went over to her house to help her cook, this consisted of me applying the sprinkles and inserting the sticks into the cake pops. Eventually I was no help because I couldn’t get over these “cake pops” and I spent the rest of the night taking photos of them.

My friends, this is a cake pop:

And THIS, my friends is a “Papaderos Cake Pop”:

Perhaps the best part of cooking with the Papaderos family is that the matriarch of the house thinks every little thing those kids produce is, “cute.” She is precious and I adore cooking with her girls, but their cooking skills never disappoint my need to giggle.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Another Stupid Pointless Post

Sauerkraut Here!

I need something to post about, currently I have nothing… This is why I haven’t posted. I suck.

• Valentine’s Day was… Over a week ago, ha! I’ll be the first to admit that aside from seeing red and pink all over the place, I’m not a huge fan of the holiday. However, Mr. Coconut took time out of his day to arrange for one of his friends to bring my flowers… I was sitting at my desk when a young guy (my age) walked through the door, handed me a card, some flowers and said, “These are for you.” Instantly I knew something was up because how did this random guy know who I was? I threw my professionalism out the window and said, with an attitude, “Who are you?” He tried to play it off like he was a flower delivery guy but I was wise to his lies. Before I could quiz him on which florist he worked for, a question most guys, unless really employed by florist, couldn’t answer, he was out the door. I also noticed he wasn’t parked out front in a delivery vehicle but walking through our parking lot, interesting. The next thing I see, Mr. Coconut’s car pulling out of the parking lot. I immediately called him and he played dumb to the situation… Until I told him I had just seen his car pull out of the parking lot. Then you could hear the two idiots laughing. Overall, it was very sweet and more importantly, funny… Which I always appreciate.

The card was the best part.  It was one of those cards that allows you to record your own message, here was mine: "Hi babe... I'm trying to be romantic... Anyway... Happy Valentine (yes, it was singular) Day."

• I’m searching for a part-time job (because I don’t make enough money to pay my bills). So far, no luck. Ideally, I’d like to get something that is nights/weekends and is close to home. I’m not being too picky about my next job, but I’m still having a difficult time finding one.

• I miss my nephews. Living so far away, having a full-time job and being dirt poor doesn’t allow me much opportunity to visit them. It really bothers me that I can’t be in their lives as much as I’d like to. I guess my biggest fear is that they’re going to grow up not knowing who I am. I understand that they’re both so young, but I feel like I’m missing out on so much. My brother and The Neighbor Girl are both really good at sending me little photos and videos, but nothing compares to spending time with them in person. Hopefully, by the time they are old enough to have memories, which in Izzy’s case is soon, I will be in a better situation that allows me to spend more time with them.

• Because of President’s Day, I had a three-day weekend. I was really excited to get an extra day off from work (considering last week sucked ass), but very upset that I got a day off for President’s Day and not Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Again… I live in a racist state. Here’s the thing, I really enjoy a four-day work week and a three-day weekend, it’s perfect and I wish it was like that all the time. For the holiday my mom and my dog came to visit me. I was stressed to the max about my mother coming to visit because I don’t know how to entertain her. She claims she doesn’t need to be entertained, but who doesn’t need to be entertained? I spent the weekend doing a little shopping, watching crap ass movies (Social Network, Eat, Prey, Love and For Colored Girls) eating lots of food and hanging out with my mom and dog. Now the weekend is over, my family is gone (I love my puppy, but carrying him up and down the stairs was killing my back!) and I’m back to work… Actually, I’m doing everything but working: blogging, updating my WishPot List, organizing my Inbox, etc.

• There is a cake decorating class here in town that I really, really want to take… I just purchased the fucking cake class. Fuck my impulse buying.

• Driving a semi-trailer truck would make me nervous… Driving a short bus made me nervous, so many mirrors.

• Some of my new goals include: giving up soda, coffee (which I love, love, love) and eating out (this will be SO tough. I repeat, SO tough). Fuck my life.

Is this enough blogging? Because honestly, I’m over it.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

"The Elastic Trick"

Sauerkraut Here!

Keep it funky, girls have secrets. We die our hair; wear padded bras, high heels, etc. Well, just when I thought I had learned all the tricks of the trade, I discovered I was wrong.

I like to clean my apartment on Thursdays so I have a clean pad for the weekend, just in case, by some miracle, someone stops by. Last night I washed my sheets, instead of washing my clothes, so today I had to wear pants that were a little to snug. Basically, I’ve been grouchy all day because my fucking pants are too tight.

As I was walking down the hall grumbling about how tight my pants are my co-worker introduced to me to, “The Elastic Trick.”

Apparently, when your pants are too tight you take a hair tie, I’m sure a rubber band would work just as well, wrap it around the button, thread the other end through the button hole and wrap the other end around the button as well.

Poof! Your pants are bigger… And you’re not walking around the office with your pants undone, like I was. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Boobies!

Sauerkraut Here!

There are lots of crazy little things happening in my life but unfortunately I cannot speak of them… Yet.

What I can tell you is that I’ve woken up several times in the past few weeks with my boob hanging out of my tank top, how does this happen? I wake up, walk past the mirror, pause, think to myself “Wait, was that my boob?” Go back, and sure enough, there it is. Classy.

Speaking of boobs I ended up at the strip club on Saturday night. I didn’t want to spend the weekend all alone at my house so I asked Tar-J if she would hang with me. I genuinely like Tar-J and I saw this as a good opportunity to get to know her. Plus, I know how it can be when you’re in a relationship; sometimes you just need girl time! So, Saturday morning/afternoon we had brunch at Bruges Waffles and Frites.

Side note: These guys used to have a little street cart at the Downtown Farmers Market and I remember PDX would stop at it every time we went. Now they’ve done so well that they have their own little restaurant. I still think of PDX every time I go there.) Moving on…

After brunch we hit up a couple of thrift stores and one of the shop owners had a bulldog! I think it was a sign. We walked in the store and as soon as the glare from the sun left my eyes there sat an English bulldog, her name was “Hana” and I loved her. Had Tar-J not been with me, the shop owners probably would have kicked me out because all I wanted to do was hang with the bulldog.

After an afternoon of shopping I went home and got ready for a friend of Mr. Coconut’s birthday party. We went to TGI Friday’s and I got a salad! I repeat, I got a salad! Anyways, after dinner we all headed to the strip club, joy! I actually don’t mind the strip club… I just envy the girls boob jobs, point out that they have no ass and study their “dance” moves.

After dinner I went to the club, if you don’t know I HATE “The Club.” So I stayed for about… 20 minutes. On Sunday I went swimming in the most disgusting pool I’ve ever swam in (and that’s saying a lot because I’ve swam in a ton of pools), went grocery shopping, overdrew my account and went home to paint my nails while Mr. Coconut “watched” (meaning it’s on, but he’s sleeping) the Super Bowl. I think I also made dinner… Yup, I did.

I miss my little Valentine’s AKA Izzy and Dweedle.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Yesterday I went to get lunch for some of the folks in the office and I got myself a sandwich, this is how the lady spelled my name:

Neat-O.

Gotcha Day!

Sauerkraut Here!

* I actually wrote this post yesterday, but never posted it*

February 2nd is my dogs “Gotcha Day.” If you don’t know what a Gotcha Day is it’s the day that you got your dog. Because most of us don’t know when our dogs were born, my mom and I celebrate our dogs “Gotcha Day” instead of his birthday.

Puppy picture.  This is the picture they posted in the paper to try and adopt him out.  My moms co-worker walked into work and said, "Hey there's a chocolate lab down at the shelter that is scheduled to die this afternoon if someone doesn't go get him."  Mom went and got him and he spent the first few hours of his time with us in a KMart shopping cart."  Tear.

So, I spent all day trying to figure out what year my mom and I got my dog. My mom lost the paperwork, surprise! And here’s what we know:

- We got him after we moved into our house (1994)

- I think I was in junior high school (1994-1997)

- I think I was in 8th/9th grade (1995/1997)

- The vet says he’s 13, so that would be 1998… But mom says we got him neutered a year before that at a different vet, so that would be 1997.

- My brother says we got him after he “moved to Boise,” (ha!) in 1997.

Can you see why we’re so confused? So we’ve either had him for 13, 14, or 15 years! I personally think we got him in 1997, meaning we’ve had him for 14 years.

Puppy at the vet.

The average life span for a Labrador Retriever is 10-12 years. Sigh. In other words, I probably won’t be writing about his Gotcha Day next year. My poor puppy still thinks he’s a pup but the reality is, he can barely stand/walk, he takes anti-inflammatory medication, pain medication, and glucose supplements. Plus, he won’t eat, unless I put yummy stuff in his food. Still, sometimes I have to spoon feed it to him before he’ll eat it, brat.

It’s hard to imagine life without a brown, furry lump by my side because he’s been there with me for so long. I have so many memories with him:

- The time I vacuumed his fur… To this day he’s terrified of the vacuum, oops. I didn’t know it would scare him that bad.

- The time I tried to make him swim in the canal, he didn’t do so well.

- Washing him in the shower downstairs at my grandparents and at the dog salon.

- Driving with him next to me in the Rustinator (my car in high school).

- Sitting on the back steps of my house right before I left for college (to this day I still feel awful for leaving him)

- Him visiting me my first year of college.

- The time he ate an entire vanilla ice cream cone in one gulp.

- Walking him in the park.

So, how am I dealing with the reality that he’s dying? I’m not. I’m blocking it out and pretending it’s not happening, typical Sauerkraut. Deep down I know that one day I will get a call that he’s gone or that he’s in bad shape and that it’s time to kill him, but I’m hoping that call doesn’t come for awhile. The truth is I hope he goes on his own. I don’t want my puppy to suffer, but I also don’t want to murder him.

We were having fun painting.

For now, I’m going to suck up as much time as I can with him. In fact, he’s coming to visit me for Presidents Day, so that should be fun.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Rough Day

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday started out super great, I literally fell out of my house, who the fuck falls out of their house? Apparently I do. I was locking my door when I think I put too much pressure on my right ankle and I could feel it starting to twist. To prevent this I guess I did some weird movement that resulted in me landing on my back on the cold concrete outside my apartment. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move, my purse went flying, my blanket was sprawled open and when I could finally move, I sat there (on the ice cold concrete) holding my ass for a good 2-3 minutes. Eventually I got up, collected my belongings and hobbled my way to the car with a bruised tailbone… It still hurts.

When I got to work I called my property manager and left him a really mean message… “Hi *** this is Sauerkraut on RopePork Avenue, I still don’t have heat and it’s been a month. It went out on New Year’s Eve and it took 4 days for someone to come “fix” it, but it wasn’t fixed. They came back and “fixed” it, again, it’s still not fixed. You called a week later, I told you it wasn’t fixed, you said you’d call them, nothing! A week later your receptionist called to check on the status of my heat and I told her that you called, you were supposed to call them and it’s still not fixed. Now, I’m pissed! I want heat and I want it today! You have broken the lease because these are unlivable conditions, I pay my rent and I’m a good tenant. I want my heat today! Click.

For lunch Sheek Geek and I went To Mikado (Japanese Restaurant and Sushi Bar), he was so excited when he discovered we work near one and he begged me to go. He had some weird sushi shit and some green peas covered in salt, they assigned them a fancy name so they could charge $9 for them, but really they were nothing more than squishy green peas covered in salt. I had… Nothing… We stopped at Sonic on the way back to the office, ha!

When I got back to the office I continued my shit ass day by finishing my babysitting task. Basically, I was assigned the task to check three different places and ensure that a co-worker of mine was doing their job, I was babysitting. It took me all day to do this stupid task and when I sent out my report it got torn apart… By someone who only received the email to be in the loop. The best part is, the column they were upset about… Had nothing to do with my task, it was there before I added on my part of the report. Joy! P.S. Did I mention I’m a Receptionist? An under paid Receptionist?

I didn’t give a rats’ ass what this person was saying and I took the opportunity to walk out at the first moment of silence, assuming the conversation was over. Apparently, it wasn’t because I spent the next five minutes getting my ass chewed for walking out. Am I two?

Again, I just sat there holding back my laughter at how ridiculous the situation was and then I went back to my desk, but not before asking for permission… Because I’m two.

After work I stopped by the phone store and ended up trading in my trusty Blackberry Pearl for a newer Blackberry. I had my Pearl for 3 years and I took really good care of it, but it was slowly dying, so now I have the potato phone… It’s big, like a potato.

Meet "The Potato Phone."

When I got home I had every intention of going to Home Depot to buy a new filter for my furnace, but I got too pooped. Why am I buying a new filter? Because my mother told me to suck it up, “I got my heat so just suck it up and buy the damn filter.” Basically here’s what happened… The guy fixed the heat and told Mr. Coconut that I needed a new filter but that I had to purchase it because the property managers didn’t want to pay him to go buy one and install it. Again, pissed off I called the slumlords and asked them why I had to purchase the filter, “Because you’re supposed to replace those every 60-90 days.” You’re a fucking idiot. Not only was this not in the lease, but from the looks of it my filter hasn’t been replaced since the 70’s (check my next post for a photo) and I have only lived there for 102 days. I understand that this is only a few dollars, but that’s not the point! The point is, my lease says “The cost of repairs, restorations and replacements shall be paid for by Owner if rendered necessary by normal wear and tear.” So… I want my $11.72 back.

Anyways, it was a rough day.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

I Got Benefits Bitch!

Sauerkraut Here!

The beauty of a laptop is that it sits on your lap and can go with you anywhere… Right now I’m using mine while on the toilet, classy.

Guess what… “I got benefits bitch! Dental and health.” That’s an Ice Cube quote if you’re not into that sort of things, which you should be, but whatever. Anyways, my mother called to tell me that I had mail at my house in Idaho and it turns out it was my insurance cards, joy! My mother was relieved that I made it damn near two years with no major accidents and that I am now insured.

Also, The Neighbor Girl posted some new photos of my nephew on his first date. Please notice that not only is there bread and butter on his plate, but that he didn’t bother wearing pants… I’d be scared to, hence the look on the little girls face.

I shall now go to bed because I have a big day tomorrow, I’m going to flip shit on my slumlord.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I didn't get a single callback regarding any of the jobs I applied for.  Fuck my life.

Bread And Butter

Sauerkraut Here!

I’ve determined that I need a second job, because I’m broke and I’m just not making ends meet as a receptionist, I mean “Office Coordinator.” So, yesterday I applied for four part-time jobs:

- A server at a Brazilian restaurant. I actually hated working as a waitress, but I knew I wouldn’t woof down the food, so I applied.
- A clerk at a tanning salon. Temptation.

- A Baking Assistant. This sounds so fun to me.

- A Cake Decorator. My top choice!

Anyways, I hope one of them calls me back because I could really use some additional income flowing in. And now you’ll realize why I’m always broke…

Last night I signed up for a “fondant and gum paste” cake decorating class. Before I lost my job, forcing me to move home, I was taking some cake decorating classes at the local craft store, unfortunately I never got to take the last one, so last night I signed up for it. I’ll be honest, I probably won’t learn a damn thing, but I feel like I need to complete all four classes just to say I did. Maybe I’ll have the opportunity to practice Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s wedding cake?

 I also purchased some canvases and paint for my next project, I bet you can’t guess what it’s going to become?

In other news, my uncle loves to spy on my cousins using Facebook (the exact reason I don’t have a Facebook page). Apparently, my cousin has his stepdad listed as his father. My mother asked me why this was and I said, “probably because J** is his stepDAD and his biological father is a freak about “Big Brother” type shit and will never get a Facebook page for T**** to have the opportunity to label him as his “Dad.”

Anyways, my mother wanted me to ask my cousin, reluctantly I did. Let’s just say he wasn’t too excited about it and I don’t blame him. Overall, I think my mom is worried that my grandmother will see that T**** labeled J** as his “Dad,” and be hurt by it. Again, my response, “First grandma has to go downstairs and then she has to figure out how to turn the computer on.”

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  The other day my brother called and said, “This is all your fault!”  Okay?  Apparently my nephew loves bread (as do I) and he ate an entire package of hot dog buns.  This is a problem because?  In addition, my nephew loves butter!  Loves it!  When you're not looking he'll run to the refrigerator, grab a stick of butter and lick it.  Then he’ll rub it all over his body and eat it off his body.  Seriously buddy?  What the fuck?  To be honest, it's not his fault he's weird, its just in his blood.  Sigh.

P.P.S.  My first attempt at using hot rollers.  I suck.