"Can't Win For Nothing"

Sauerkraut Here!

What a week! I apologize for falling off the face of the Earth but a lot has happened over the course of the past few days.

Last Thursday my boss told me I needed to dress more “professional,” I was pretty upset by her comments one, because it felt like I couldn’t do anything right around that place.  Two, I didn’t know the way I dressed was a problem based on what my co-workers wore.  And three, I’ve gained a bunch of weight, I can’t fit into any of my dress clothes and I wasn’t making enough money to go buy new ones.  Fuck my life.

Friday morning I woke up feeling awful! Sore throat, cough, mucus, the works! But, I decided to get out of bed, toss on some “professional” clothes and go to work anyway, because I'm a hard little worker bee.  My tits busted out of my shirt, my pants were so tight I couldn’t breath and my feet were in a bunch of pain, but I looked professional. So, there I was, refilling the ass wipes in the bathroom in my white dress shirt, loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher in my skin tight pants and toting cases of water in heels, awesome.

Knowing I was having a bad week my buddy/co-worker, Sheek Geek set up a surprise for me. He'd been telling me all day that his fiancé (Ms. Tar-J) was going to drop by the office to say “hello” because she had a half-day at work.  I was excited to see her, but I was worried I'd get in trouble from my boss, so I warned him that I might have to cut my visit short.

The boys gathered in the conference room, across from my desk, for a meeting and I noticed Sheek Geek was acting really weird. He was telling the boys something, because they were all staring at me, he kept checking his phone, closed the blinds, etc. The next thing I know I see this crazy character approach the front door, open it and as soon as I recognized who it was I knew what was going on.

Good ol’ Sheek Geek had arranged for our old co-worker (who happens to do singing telegrams) to come to our office and perfomr for me in an effort to cheer me up. I spent the next few minutes participating in a few corny dance moves and being serenaded by my special visitor. Everyone was pretty cool about it, but there were a few haters, like I give a shit.

In the end, that was probably one of the sweetest things anyone has every done for me and it really touched my little Grinch of a heart. So, mad props to Sheek Geek.

On Saturday I spent the entire day at the flower shop. I had so much fun but by the end of the day I was feeling awful, my feet were tender and my lower back hurt so badly I thought I was going to cry. But! I had a bunch of fun.

Sunday was awful. I stayed home sick all day.  Moving on...

Nothing too exciting happened on Monday, just another miserable day at the office. After work I met up with Chickpea (who I hadn’t seen a week) and we headed to Park City so I could shop at the Croc Outlet Store. Mom suggested I try wearing some Crocs when working at the flower shop for eight hours a day.

Even though Chickpea isn’t a fan of Crocs she was a good sport and even picked out the most adorable “Jibbitz” for my shoes. Basically they’re little decorations for your shoes. After I got my shoes I made two more stops at the GAP Outlet and Ann Taylor in an effort to find some “professional” clothes at good prices. I found a few items, which I’ll probably return and that was the end of our night… Actually, it wasn’t.

When I got home I rushed about getting ready for bed and seconds after laying down I got the most intense pain on the left side of my body. I couldn’t determine where it was coming from and after about an hour and a half of struggling to get comfortable and breath properly, I called my mom. I tried explaining the situation, but we couldn’t figure out what it was. Eventually, I fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning (in the exact same position) I felt better, but the pain was still in my chest. I knew it was time to go to the doctor.

I wanted to go before work, but I couldn’t get a hold of my boss so I went to work and made an appointment around my lunch hour. About an hour before my appointment, I got fired. Yup, fired.

What happened? Look, I took the job because I needed a job, I had no intentions to stay there or grow with the company and after a few months of working there I quickly figured out that this was not a good fit for me, period. The work I produced was quality, but aside from that I couldn’t do anything right in their eyes. And I really didn’t like the way I was spoken to, or treated at that place.

Am I upset that I got fired from THAT job? Nope. That fucking place sucked. Here’s something funny… My boss asked me if I needed a box for my stuff, I replied, “Nope.” She asked, “You don’t have ANY personal belongings at your desk, in the fridge or in the kitchen?” “Nope.”

Does it suck to get fired? Sure. But what sucks the most is determining my next step in life. Again, I’m at a crossroad and this time the universe is sending me clear signs to get the hell out of Utah. Moving on…

When I arrived at the doctor I went through the usual routine and then the doctor ordered me to get an ultrasound and an x-ray. Lucky for me I now had all the time in the world and only 30 days to get all my health/dental care done before my insurance expired.

Thankfully, I picked a freaking one-stop clinic so both ultrasound and x-ray were just down the hall. When I got back to his office, he looked at my x-rays and sent me back to get another x-ray, the first on was blurry.

Again, I returned to his office, the doctor looked at my x-ray, called a specialist and together they decided it was the pneumonia’s. I’m not sure if my pneumonia went away and came back, or if it never left.

On top of the pneumonias there’s something going on with my thyroid. The doctor looked at my ultrasound (fine), blood work (fine), but is now requesting that I get another biopsy done, something I’ve done before (2004) that I did not like. Basically they jam a long, skinny needle into your neck and yank out a piece of tissue leaving your neck sore and bruised. So, yeah for me!

I look awful and I thought that was really funny.

After getting fired and spending hours at the health clinic I made my way to the flower shop. Despite my awful day, I was excited to be there and couldn’t wait to learn something, but the universe had other plans for me and the next thing I knew I was leaving work early because I was low on blood and having a reaction to this new medication, super.

I’ve just been hanging out at the house for the past few days, watching Animal Planet and shopping for jobs. Today it was super nice outside and I decided to open the windows for some fresh air and sunshine. My mother’s convinced I need to be at home resting so I don’t end up in the hospital, she’s probably right, but I did sneak out to see Chickpea and Vanessa at Barnes and Noble last night, eek!

So, there you have it, my week in a nutshell.

In other news, I still haven’t gotten my dog back and my mother finally called. She was pretty blunt with the woman, telling her Ty had been gone for three weeks and it was time for him to come home. Apparently what happened was that Ty didn’t have a tag on him so “the baker,” as I like to call him, didn’t take him because he wasn’t sure who he was. Supposedly the woman was very apologetic toward my mom, saying “she knew who Ty was, that she put a tag on him and she would make sure we got the correct dog.” He’s due back this coming Tuesday.  If he's not there, I'll call them and it won't be pretty.  Actually, I'll probably go down there.

Okay, lets knock the rest of this fucking blog challenge out…

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Is this a joke? Oh! I’ve got one! “The Birthday Book.” The Birthday Book is giant book of character traits associated with individuals born on specific days of the year. Almost everyone in my family has owned this book and traded it at our annual yard sale. Finally, it became mine and I will probably never get rid of it. For the record, The Birthday Book is magical and has never been wrong. Everyone loves my fucking Birthday Book… I don’t know the real name of it.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

I have a really pointy nose and I'm not sure where I got it because both of my parents have really pointy noses.  I wish I could change it, but I can't because I wouldn't be me if I did. 

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Oh! Fun one. Day 25 happened to be last Saturday so I was working at the flower shop. I made a few “fresh floral” arrangements that day and here they are…

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

This is a photo of my Ty’s collar, dirty and blue.  After he passed away, I took it off him, placed it in my pocket and when I got home I put it around my stuffed bulldogs neck, I sleep with it every night.  Each time I move I hear his tags jingle and I think he’s there with me, and then I remember, he’s gone.  

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is a photo of me and my little Dweedle Bug right after he was born.  Dweedle is my nephew and this phot was taken just after he was born, I think he's 11 days old here.  Now he's walking and has big-a eyeballs.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Outside the Idaho Hotel... It's haunted. PDX, thanks for waking up early so I didn't have to pee alone.  I made her stand in the stall with me. 

Isn’t this a repeat? Whatever. I’m afraid of ghosts, I’m also fascinated by ghosts. Now, here’s where you start to think I’m nuts… I think I’ve always had a little kibble of “the sixth sense.” I definitely believe in ghosts, not aliens, but definitely ghosts. And in my opinion I’ve had a few ghostly experiences. However, no matter how terrified I am by ghosts I’m constantly hoping for that one encounter that proves my belief. Then, I’ll send the rest of my life being deathly afraid of them, no pun intended.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

This is a photo from Awkward Family Photos and every time I look at this little bear, with the funny pants I end up crying with laughter.  What the kid in this costume must be thinking, kills me.  

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Day 22 Of The Shit-Fuck Blog Challenge

Sauerkraut Here!

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I pick two. The first is… Math.

One, somedays I wish I were in the mob and two, I'm actually really good at figuring out tips and sale prices.

The second is eating healthier/exercising.

Yup, this is pretty much what my food pyramid looks like, sigh.  Minus the hot dog, I wouldn't eat that.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Pup In A Box

Sauerkraut Here!

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

The day I graduated from college I was really upset because one of the professors sat next to me and I was feeling very claustrophobic, this put me in a really bad mood.

During the ceremony my precious grandfather came down to where I was sitting and asked if he could have a hug. Pissed off at bitch-ass professor next to me, I took my anger out on my cute grandpa, snapping back, “No!”

To this day, that moment, that I can never take back, haunts me. Sure, it’d be nice to forget that moment, but what I really wish is that I could go back and handle it differently. To this day it’s one of my biggest regrets in life. Really. And now you know.

Here’s a good story… Today I received the following photo from my grandfather:

It’s my dog… Or so I thought.

When I started looking at the photo closer I realized that the dog inside that box weighed 79.4 lbs. My doggy did not weigh 79.4 lbs. Just as I started to panic, texting my mother with fury under my fingers, I received the following text from my grandfather (yes, my grandpa can text, he’s 77), “forget that last. They brought the wrong box. Ty hasn…” Okay, he can kind of text.

Still texting my mother, who is trying to calm me down and talk me out of calling the vet to yell at them, I immediately called my grandfather… “That’s not my dog! That dog weighed too much! What do you mean I got the wrong dog!? Grandpa! That’s somebody’s dog! You have to take him back! Somebody’s missing their dog!”

When I was finished freaking out my grandfather (calmly) explained to me that he realized that the dog in the box wasn’t ours when he read that the name of the DOG was “Roc.” It just so happens that the first three letters of my grandfather’s last name are also R-O-C. Luckily, he realized that the dog wasn’t ours before he left the vet, but that’s not the point, the point is this, where the fuck is my dog!? I want him back… NOW! And what kind of an idiot gives someone (especially a psycho like me) the wrong dog!? Fuck!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Sweet Amaretto

Sauerkraut Here!

I actually wrote this post three times, but never got passed two paragraphs.

To no surprise Friday was a bust. After a long week of work I headed to Chickpeas house so we could grab some dinner at a local pizzeria (with really good ranch dressing). After dinner we walked next door (as if walking justifies my next action) for some ice cream. My sweet puppy (who I get back tomorrow) must have worked his magic because for the first time in YEARS! Amaretto was back! Plus! They had mini gummy bears!

Puppy magic.

We spent the remainder of the night driving around the valley looking at house… In the dark… Because we’re idiots. Apparently I drank too much soda at the pizzeria because I had to pee so bad it was causing my abdomen to cramp. I pulled off the road and took a quick pee next to a large tree near the “JCC…” AKA, the Jewish Community Center. I have nothing against the Jewish it just seemed like the perfect place to pee. If I wanted to pee somewhere just to be cruel, I would have driven to Temple Square.

After relieving myself on University property Chickpea and I took a drive to look at some of the houses in neighborhood. Along our drive we noticed some deer eating people’s grass and we decided to follow them. I kept trying to get a good picture of them, but again, it was dark. So, here’s a creepy photo of several glowing eyes peering at us in the dark, neat.

Saturday morning I woke early for my job at the flower shop and I spent the rest of the day making rose arrangements. By the end of the day my feet were sore from standing and my lower back was killing me, but I had so much fun. Here’s a few of my “rose arrangements,” I’m still learning so give me a break.

After work I rushed home and jumped in the shower before heading to dinner with Chickpea and some of her friends. I was so exhausted and slightly hungry (AKA grouchy as hell), but couldn’t back out because I told Chickpea I would go, so I did.

My grandparents told me a few days earlier that they might stop by my house on their way back from New Mexico, but you never know with my grandparents, they say one thing and do the complete opposite. I tried to call them before I went to dinner with Chickpea, but I couldn’t get a hold of them until after I committed to Chickpea.

I had to leave the dinner early to meet up with my grandparents and that’s fine, they’re my grandparents. But considering my grandfather only asked for half of the directions to my apartment I knew I had to go because things were about to get messy.

Things that happened in the short time I spent with my grandparents:

- I pulled off the exit to find my grandparents waiting at the light in front of me. They clearly had no idea where they were going because they were flying down the road, about to pass the turn going toward my apartment. I pulled up next to them, rolled down the window, honked, waved, you name it, until they saw me. Disaster averted.
- Once at my apartment, my grandfather jumped out of the car, grabbed the two little dogs and said, “Where’s your bathroom!?” Um, can we work on getting your wife out of the car first?

- Grandma, bless her heart, couldn’t get out of the car because her seat was too low to the ground and the curb was too high. Plus, she’d been sitting for so long that when she finally did muster up the strength to pull herself out… Well, she farted.

- I couldn’t figure out what was going on with my grandmothers oxygen chord, turns out it was because she had it running right between her legs. Yes, like a camel toe.

- Grandpa rushed into the house, used the bathroom and allowed grandma to look around for… Oh, maybe, maybe two minutes, then we were out the door for a “bite to eat.”

- Before I left dinner with Chickpea, I bet her I would end up at one of four places: Village Inn, Denny’s, IHOP or Dee’s. We went to Dee’s. Sigh. I tried to convince them to try Paradise Bakery (a little soup, salad and sandwich spot) because I thought they might enjoy it, but no. Grandpa saw Dee’s and it was like he made a B-Line for the gates of Heaven.

- Before we could go into the restaurant grandma had to change out her oxygen tank and she was having a really hard time getting the new one on, my grandpa was getting frustrated and I could hear him back there trying to help her, “God dammit!” He was saying, ha!

- During dinner I asked grandma if she was wearing a new jacket. “Yes,” she replied. I quickly pulled out my camera, snapped the following photo and proceeded to rip off the tag and hand it to her.

- Before we left “Freaky Dee’s” I noticed grandma filled grandpa’s dirty napkin with her extra French fries, “These are for the kids,” she said. Meaning those two little shit fuck dogs. P.S. I just asked my co-workers if “shit fuck” needs a hyphen.

- On the way back to the car I noticed that one, grandma was not wearing a bra and two, that her shirt was very sheer. I have passed this discussion onto my mother.

- After dinner, we got grandma in the car and sat there a few moments before grandpa asked, “Well, are you going to close the door?” Grandma replies, “No! I’m waiting for Randi to come around here and give me a hug.” “Um, grandma… I’m already in the car.” “Oh!” She says.

- When they dropped me off at my apartment I knew I didn’t have much time before grandpa told me to “hurry up and get out of the car so they could get home” so I told them “thank you,” patted them on the shoulders and jumped out of the car, varoom! Off they went.

In other news, I painted my nails pink with crap loads of sparkles and I can’t stop staring at them, so pretty.

Sunday was nice. I got a bunch of sleep, but woke up feeling droggy and had it not been for Mr. Coconut I wouldn’t have left the house. Mr. Coconut and I have “Sunday Dinner” and because I was feeling lazy I was in no mood to cook or clean up the kitchen, I could tell he was very sad, he looks forward to Sunday each week. Both of us were hungry, but I was way too lazy to make myself something to eat, so my plan was to just to lay there, starving until I went to bed.

We ended up going to a little Greek owned joint called Olympus Burger. I ordered chicken strips (with Ranch dressing) and an Oreo milkshake. When I got my meal I was, and still am, convinced that I got fish and tartar sauce. Mr. Coconut swears up and down that it was chicken and Ranch, but it wasn’t. I ended up eating the Oreo’s off the top of my milkshake and Mr. Coconut’s fries.

Here’s what’s great about Mr. Coconut, he doesn’t get upset when I eat his food. I think this is because one, he’s genuinely a nice person and two, he has kids. Now, this is a complete double standard and I understand this, but if someone were to reach across and take something off my plate, without my permission, I’d stab them with a fork… Really. It’s only after I determine that I am finished with something or don’t want something that my plate is free reign. My grandfather loves to eat stuff off my plate because he knows it drives me insane and that I would never stab him with a fork, but I do throw a fit, regardless of where we are. When I really think about it, I think the only person I have ever shared my food with (before finishing/giving it away) is my nephew, Izzy… And dogs, I love dogs.

So… After Olympus Burger, Mr. Coconut and I stopped by Chickpeas work to say hello and she shared the following story with me:

Apparently a 19 year-old girl came into the clinic with her LDS mother (dressed in her church clothes) and explained to Chickpea that she had a lump on her cahootie and an odor coming from punani. She continued telling Chickpea that “she was with her boyfriend last night and while they were having oral sex, he felt around down there,” confirming not only that she smelled, but that there was a lump. Turns out the girl accidently left a tampon up there. Nice.

When we got back to my apartment we watched TV, I finished my laundry and I painted my nails, the sparkly pink I was talking about earlier. I tried to stay awake for Jersey Shore, but decided it was more important to get some sleep.

I couldn’t sleep all night thanks to lower back pain (a regular occurrence for me) and I woke up this morning pissed off at the world, I think I’m better now? Maybe.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

I actually can’t provide a photograph of my biggest insecurity, because it’s failure. Next!

Day 19 - A picture and a letter.

Oh my God this is the best. Years ago when I was working in radio one of my co-workers sent me this Christmas card shortly after he was let go from the company. It is, to this day, the BEST Christmas card I’ve EVER received.

I also have this little gem…

When I was still living at home with my grandparents I was going through my clothes one day when I discovered my grandmother had snuck a little note in between my sweatshirts, how precious is that? I still have this note, but now it hangs in my closet in Utah.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Somewhere I’d love to travel? Since I speak of Ireland all the time, I’m going to pick somewhere different that I haven’t spoken about… I’d have to say: Italy, Kaua'I, Fiji or the Amazon Rainforest.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I just got off the phone with a woman at the grocery store near my apartment complex. I wanted to inform her that my trashy ass neighbors parked three of the grocery stores shopping carts on the property and that they probably need cleaned. I genuinely felt awful for the carts and I’m feeling pretty good about my neighborly efforts.

Crap And... More Crap, Maybe Some Stuff

Sauerkraut Here!

A few things…

Super Buy!

Yesterday I walked into the bathroom and discovered a bright orange sticker on my jacket. I asked my co-workers and even the guy that was here painting our lobby wall if he put it on me as a joke, which would be fine; I just wanted to know how it got there. After hours of pondering the question, “Where this sticker came from and how did it get on me?” My boss asked me, “Did you have a bagel this morning.” “Why yes I did,” I replied. Then it hit me! When I was preparing my usual blueberry bagel I somehow managed to remove the sticker from the bagel bag, stick it to my jacket and roll on out, clueless that I was walking around with a “Super Buy!” sticker stuck to my idiot self.

Working at the flower shop sure beats coming home smelling like fajitas. Last night we processed some flowers and then had a fun activity, we got to pick out a bundle of flowers and wrap them, mine was the best. Ha, ha! No, really. Not only was it the prettiest, it had all the necessary elements (a focal flower, mass flower, line flower, etc. I went all white with a huge, fragrant, Stargazer Lily as my focal flower. I picked some Bells of Ireland, duh, for greenery and a deep purple wrap to compliment the green in the Bells of Ireland and make the white flowers pop. Bitch I’m the bomb like… tick… tick. Moving on…

Last night I went to KFC because for whatever reason I really wanted chicken and potatoes. I ordered the number 5, but meant to order the number 7. But! This was not my fault… Don’t put a giant graphic reading $5 on the number 7 option! I was distracted! Luckily, I figured it out when they asked me if I wanted legs or thighs. Then, they had to refund my money and it was a huge fucking disaster. And yes, I wanted my fucking $1.92 back because I overdrew my fucking bank account for that fucking KFC.

Each morning that I drive to work several idiots fly past me at warp speed. For example, I’ll be waiting at a stop light, the light will turn green and the car next to me will floor it to get ahead of me before the lanes merge. Do I care? Nope. Why? Because unlike the idiot next to me, I’m in no hurry, whatsoever to get to work faster. Idiots.

You know who I think is pretty, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

My mom just sent me the following story:

Just this side of heaven is a place called “Rainbow Bridge.”

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals that had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.

Author unknown

Then she sends another email reading, “He would be the one running crooked.” Ha, ha!  My mom's the shit.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you. 

My cute little grandpa and his toasted marshmellow.

Several people inspire me, but today I'm picking my grandpa, because I've always strived to be like him.  He's a true "man" and I would be lucky to end up with someone half as great as him as a partner in life.  He's: handsome, funny, extremely intelligent, successful, strong, very loving, giving and has been the perfect "father figure" in my life.  I have SO much respect for him and truly love him more than he will ever know (which is sad, I should really tell him, but I'm chicken).

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Peeps in PDX

Hmm. Something that has made a huge impact on my life recently? Change. I think I’ve realized (more than before) that I’m in a transitional phase. I also think the universe has sent me several signals that it’s time for a change.

I think I’m done with this post?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Just received a phone call from Mr. Coconut at work:

Sauerkraut (in her "fake voice"): "Good afternoon, ******, this is Sauerkraut."
Mr. Coconut: "Babe!"
Sauerkraut: "What?"
Mr. Coconut:  "Why when you find out it me, you be mean?"
Sauerkraut:  "Because I don't have to be nice to you, what do you need?  Make it quick, I'm at work."
Mr. Coconut (so excited):  Oh!  You know there a DASH by my house!?

If you don't know "DASH" is the name of the store that the Kardashian sisters own.

Sauerkraut: "No dude.  Three are only 3 locations and the one you're talking about is a fitness center."
Mr. Coconut (with a sad tone to his voice): Oh.  Okay.  Bye.

Ha, ha!  How precious is that!  He really thought the Kardashians would open a DASH Store in Utah!

Ketchup

Sauerkraut Here!

Things are getting easier regarding my dog, but the truth is it’s still tough and worse for my mother who is surrounded by his stuff. I called the vet on Monday to tell them “I want him back” and apparently he was in the freezer… Still. Upset, and being the concerned parent that I am I asked, “Well, is he with other animals?” What? I just didn’t want him to be alone in there. The vet lady explained to me that my doggy would be picked up soon and should be ready to bring home a week from yesterday. I’m actually really upset that it’s taking this long because I’m ready for him to come home. I’m ready for his body to be comfortably at rest at home, which was his favorite place. Upset I called my mom, explained the situation and told her that I “would never let her sit in the freezer that long and that I will pay extra to bump her to the front of the line.” Such kind words.

In other news, I started my new job and I love it, so far. I noticed that none of the girls that were there to interview with me got h hired. I was kind of bummed that the Jessica girl didn’t hired because she looked kind of trashy which is sometimes fun, but I’m pumped the Cholana chick wasn’t hired because after talking to her briefly I was ready to shove a cheese stick down her throat if she mentioned “The Church” one more time. Moving on…

Last night we learned flower identification. My boss set up 50 different types of flowers and asked us to name them; I only got 12 correct, boo. I could identify many of them as orchids, lilies, etc. but they were looking for the specific name, example: “Enchantment Lily.” Anyways, after we reviewed the flowers we were tested again and this time I got all 50 correct. Fuck yes! We finished off the night “processing” the flowers. This is when a shipment comes in; you tear the yucky stuff off, stick them in water and put them in the cooler/heat room. My next day is Thursday and on Saturday I’ll be learning “rose arrangements.” I can’t wait.

After work I went to Chickpeas house and she fed me a delicious dinner of water, a Baby Bell Cheese and a protein bar. We spent the remainder of the night “marketing,” meaning searching for Greek men online. I also put her to work answering my text messages. Jesus! We’re a fucking disaster!

Tonight my plan is to go to bed at 6PM. I plan on walking in the door, getting in my comfortable clothes and laying in bed until I pass out. Tomorrow is “clean house day” I plan to wash my sheets to rid them of the mascara that has rubbed off of my eyebrows.

What else? Oh! Let’s knock out some of this fucking 30 Day Blog Challenge crap… Let’s see…

Day 13 – A picture of my favorite band or artist.

Yeah, yeah!

Again, I could never pick one, but I would rape Ice Cube, so I pick him.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

SOME of my family.

I’m actually getting a little pissed because I feel like I have the same answer for half of these questions, think of some new shit people! Again, I would pick my family, duh. A long time ago I realized something, after my grandparents and my mother pass; I’m all alone and have no reason to continue living. So… PDX, I Heart To Fart, you know my final wishes. Rawr.

Which reminds me; about a month ago someone sent my grandfather a text message accusing him of sending a message to a 16 year-old girl. On my grandfather’s behalf, I replied to them informing them that this phone number belonged to a 76 year-old man and that he may have typed the number wrong. In addition, I told them were stupid for giving their underage daughter a phone and allowing her to receive text messages from random strangers. And in response, to their “don’t contact her again message,” I told them not to contact my grandfather again or I would “trace their number and hunt them down.” So, my grandfather calls:

Grandpa: “Did you send a text message with my phone!?”

Sauerkraut: “Yes, someone was being mean to you.”

Grandpa: “Well don’t! It cost me 10 cents per text! Here’s your grandmother.”

Really grandpa, 10 cents?

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I would really love to do some research and discover my roots, in detail. I know I’m Irish and my grandmother claims I’m Scandinavian, but my last name is actually of Scottish decent, so I’m a little confused. Anyways, I’d like to visit all the places I have history: different towns/cities, old houses, maybe a place of employment, and my “native” land/s.

Have you heard of the “second shot?” If not, watch this commercial:

I’m actually always trying to do second shots and I’d love to go to these places, write notes, take photos, etc. And then combine it all into a huge book to pass down from generation to generation. Assuming the world doesn’t end next week, which actually wouldn’t surprise me. At all.

I think I’m done now?

Yup.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Day 12 Of The 30 Day Blog Challenge

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Yesterday was a fun day. I slept in, showered, finished my post and headed to the bank to cash a few checks. After I went to the bank I spent $10 (of my freshly cashed checks) and over an hour cleaning my car. I couldn’t help but think about my puppy when I was cleaning my car because he would always hang out with me on the lawn when I was cleaning my car at home, I sure do miss him.

After I cleaned my car I scooped up Chickpea and we got our hair cut at the beauty school, I was so nervous. In the end what’s done is done, and paying $15 sure beats paying $70.

Later that night I went to Rodizio Grill for a birthday celebration. My brother (and fellow meat lover) would have loved this place. For the mere price of $34.66 (I’m being sarcastic by the way) you dine on over a dozen rotisserie grilled meats… And it’s all you can eat. Save your money big brother, save your money.

After I changed into my sweats I went to over to Chickpea’s house where I spent my Saturday night perusing Greek dating sites and watching Aladdin. Yup, the Disney movie, so pitiful. I could have stayed the night, but the truth is I wanted to go home and snuggle with my bulldog, when Ty passed away I put his collar around my bulldogs neck. It’s bitter sweet, I’m happy that I can snuggle with a token of my puppy every night, but every time I move his tags jingle and I think it’s him.

Seriously, my little Izzy is SO handsome and has so much character, I love him.

I'm dying, this photo is awesome.

Day 12 asks me to share a “picture of something I love.” As always I will be picking more than one, and I’m actually going to pick people, not things. Meet my nephews, Izzy and Dweedle…

It’s no secret I’m head over heels for these two.

Today I didn't do anything special, but I need make dinner for Mr. Coconut, I usually do on Sunday's.  We had chicken enchiladas and Spanish rice.  After dinner we watched "Due Date," it was cute, but the ending was too abrupt.  

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I got that little part-time job I applied for, I'm really excited but I know working with hard core MoMo's will be hella tough.  If I can just stick it out long enough to learn the skill, awsome.  

Day 11 - A Picture Of Something I Hate, This Is Easy.

Sauerkraut Here!

Oh my shitness, today’s post could last all day because I seem to hate everything. But I will pick… Three.

Spiders, just thinking about them freaks me out.

Walmart*  I fucking HATE it!  I hate it so much!

And... The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Day 9 And 10 Of The Blog Challenge

Sauerkraut Here!

I really didn’t want to go to work yesterday, but I knew I had to and I knew it would help me get my mind off my puppy. It was good for me to be there, but it was a long day and I’ve never been so ready for the weekend to begin. I found myself daydreaming about my puppy several times during the day, I thought about how much he would have enjoyed the weather, I imagined him laying on the carport, him following us around in the yard, the sound of his zip line, his tail wagging, I just imagined him.

Mom and I took puppy on a walk one afternoon, he got tierd and I was trying to get him to drink some water out of a poop bag...  Eventually I had to walk back and get the car.

I also thought about some things we could do with his ashes. I have his collar, a clump of hair and I want to keep a small amount of his ashes, I actually found a really cute ring that holds a small amount of ashes and features his Gotcha Day birthday stone, the amethyst. Anyways, I think my mom and I have decided to put his ashes in the yard at home because that’s where he was happiest. Our plan is to plant something in the yard and mix his ashes in with the dirt. If we ever move, I’m digging that plant up and taking it with me, really. That and the snowball bush we planted on my moms 50th birthday.

The snowball bush I'll be taking.  So pretty.

After work I hung out with Chickpea and Vanessa, we went to the liquor store to pick up some booze for my project that night, ate at Pier 49 Pizza (where they forgot to make my pizza) and spent the rest of the night making Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream cupcakes. I tried one and I'm actually not impresses, at all.  I think the cupcake needs more beer flavoring, I hate the ganache and the frosting needs some work.  I'm going to keep working on these because this is the flavor of my brother wedding cake, if he ever gets married. 

Thursday was Day 09 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge, it asked for a “picture of the person who has gotten me through the most.” I find it interesting that this was Thursdays topic considering my loss. Again, I will not pick just one person (but if I had to, it would be my mother) but instead I will pick several people, my family.  Each person plays a different role “getting me through” issues. My mother and grandfather are the problem solvers and my grandmother has always been the one to keep me company, sit at the table and listen and the soft skinned body to hug.

On a happier note, Day 10 is a “picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with.” This is easy PDX and I Heart To Fart. I’m going to assume that “fucked up” means mean spirited, not weird. If it means weird, there is WAY too much to list. So, here we go, and I know I’m forgetting a ton of stuff…

Some fucked up shit I’ve done with PDX:

- We drove around town throwing water balloons out the window at people. Why? I don’t know. Space cadet PDX, didn’t hear us (myself and another friend) tell her NOT to throw a water balloon at a particular guy. Not only did she throw it, her aim was perfect! She drenched the guy, and the interior of his brand new truck in water. This ended in a high speed chase through the neighborhood, ending at a Perkins restaurant. Luckily, we never got caught.

- We used her boyfriend at the time to drive us around Boise, Idaho… We also used him for a place to crash.

- We once spent an entire day, planning a treasure hunt for a random student at BYU. We made her think she was getting asked to an upcoming dance, instead, after hours of walking all over campus, she found a rotten potato. This is really fucked up when I think about it.

I have the biggest double chin in this photo, but I love PDX's face.

- We walked out of a restaurant without paying.  Actually, PDX walked out, I just followed.

PDX is going to kill me for posting this photo, but it's one of my favorite.  In fact, I almost posted on Day 8 because every single time I look at it I end up in tears, her face KILLS ME!

Some fucked up shit I’ve done with I Heart To Fart:

- We stole from the Hostess factory, but only once. The second time we went back they had caught onto I Heart To Farts frequent visits and placed a lock on the dumpster.

- We stole from DI (a second hand store)… Every Sunday. It was drop-off day.

- We came up with a huge plan to kick out an annoying roommate (he would get drunk, eat Chinese food out of a giant wok and watch Disney’s movies, specifically, Lilo and Stitch). He had to move in with his grandparents.

- We emptied I Heart To Fart’s storage unit before they could give away his crap. I remember driving down the road in a huge blue car “Monty” with a mattress on the top of the car (no ropes) and two fucking chairs hanging out the trunk.

This is how I Heart To Fart got his nickname, that and he farts a lot.

- We went around a fence, clearly marked with a “No trespassing” sign and walked across a water pipe of some sort. Had we fallen’ we would have drown in the pounding waterfall, really. Neither of us knows what we were thinking.

I'm starting to notice the majority of our photos together are sexual.

- While floating in the canal in Logan, we watched our friend float into a rosebush, instead of helping her we just sat there in our inner tubes, dying of laughter.

- Together we decided it was a great idea for I Heart To Fart to smoke Wild Bill’s cigarette.

If I forgot some crap, which I'm sure I did, please remind me.

That is all.

Sauerkraut