Sauerkraut Here!

Let’s get the lame shit out of the way…

I work with two Orca Bitches.  I call them The Orca Bitches because they are white, always wear black clothing are big… like orca whales, they kill the positive work environment and are fucking bitches.  To make a long story short, I hate The Orca Bitches.  So much so I have informed my boss that when I get fired I’m going to drag (I’d better start working out) the main Orca Bitch into the parking lot and kick her fucking ass.  I would go into why I hate The Orca Bitches, but there’s really no point other than they suck at their jobs, they’re miserable in life and they want to stir up trouble wherever they go which pretty much consists of home, their tiny office (Ha!) at “work” a fast food joint for lunch, back to their tiny office for “work” and home.      

In addition to The Orca Bitches I hate doing outreach.  I hate driving around, in my car, all day, every day, stopping off at various rehabilitation centers, etc. and annoying people, during their work day to advertise my company, it blows.

So, what’s worse?  Being in the office with The Orca Bitches? Or doing outreach?  Honestly, I’m not sure yet, but I think I’d rather do outreach… And that’s sad.  Moving on…     

Last week I did a sleep study.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  I also took a 3 hour long blood test where they jammed a needle in my arm 4 times.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  Finally I had an echocardiogram.  Why?  Again, I don’t know, but!  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  So…

Now that I have wasted my time and money on a bunch of tests I get to go back to the doctor who ordered them (more money) where he will tell me nothing is wrong with me and simply change my medication which is what I asked him to do the first time I went and saw him.

On a better note I took a somewhat impromptu trip to Idaho to see my family.  It’s always good to see my mom and grandparents but this time my brother and his family would be there.  We didn’t really do anything, just sat around and talked.  I did walk the "broked dog" as Izzy calls her, up Red Hill, I think she liked it?

Some photos for your enjoyment, rawr…

My niece, she's 2 months old today!

My niece... Look at those thighs!  I love them!  P.S.  You like her cowgirl boots?  A gift from auntie.

Ignore auntie, look at her little face!

My soulmate. 

Izzy story: When I went to the birth of my baby fin I taught Izzy a lesson and now he likes to repeat it... "Nobody touch my weiner, huh Aunt Sauerkraut!" 

This time I taught him that if somebody does touch his weiner he talls daddy and mommy.  I also taught him he is: smart, handsome and funny. 

My hero, sigh.

And I quote: "Take my picture Annie."

The whole gang, thank God they aren't having anymore kids (fingers crossed) because my arms can't hold them all.

And my favorite photo of the entire trip!

Finally, I know I am fat; you do not need to tell me.  I have decided that the real reason I want to lose weight is not because I want to feel better, look better, etc.  It’s so people will shut the fuck up!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Conversation of the weekend:

Grandpa: "I like your form fitting jeans."

Me: "I like the hole in your t-shirt."

Day 1 of WWIII

Sauerkraut Here!

I tried to eat healthy today… Fail.

Nutri-Grain Bar

Mini Caesar Salad

2 bagels (blueberry and plain)

Nutri-Grain Bar

Bowl of cereal

A few taste tests on a goodie I made for Molly’s bake sale tomorrow

Can you say carbs? 

I also tried to go swimming this morning… Fail.

But!  I did go swimming after work.  Not gonna lie, I’m shocked!!!  Now I just have to keep it up… Fuck. The water was cold and gross, but I’d say the worst part was the physical movement.  Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever had so many charlie horses in my life, I even got one in my calf, never felt that before.  Now that it’s over… I don’t feel proud, full of more energy, or physically better I feel like… I want a shower and some junk food.

Cravings today include, but are not limited to:

Jimmy Johns, Beans and Brews (probably my biggest craving today), Greek food from Greek City Grill, Normandise “Butter Dream” cookies and every single thing I made for Molly’s bake sale.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  The douche-ness at the gym was amazing.  

Bad Day

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m having a bad day…  And I think this is the reason… 

Recently I had to switch doctors because the medical group I was going to doesn’t take my insurance, nice.  So today was my first appointment with the new guy.  My new doctor is kind of odd, but seems very good, that’s not what upset me.

When he was doing my ultrasound I noticed he started spending more time in certain areas, eventually taking pictures, not a good sign.  And after a long dictation he told me I have some “enlarged lymph nodes,” there doesn’t seem to be any sign of cancer in them at the moment, but he would like to watch them.

Other bad news: I also need a blood test, glucose test, insulin test, sleep study and full body scan. I’ve officially gain 45lbs. in a year and I will be followed by a doctor for the next 10 years of my life.

So, after my appointment I got upset.  I think it was my trip to Sam’s Club that sent me over the edge.  While I was loading cases of paper into my tiny car I noticed each one weighed 20lbs. I thought to myself, “I have gained 2 cases of paper… I can’t even lift two cases of paper!”  Then I thought, “I weigh as much as my boyfriend… He’s Samoan.”  It was then that I pretty much burst into tears.

At this time there is no sure cause to thyroid cancer, research only says that it’s “environmental,” which I find very interesting.  I have spent my entire life trying to do the “right” thing by never drinking, smoking, doing drugs, exercising, avoiding “risky” behavior, etc.  I don’t think my environment could get any better!  So why do I get cancer!?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that things could have been much worse for me, but seriously.  I feel like I’ve done everything by the book in an effort to receive the good things in life and I feel like I continue to get shit on.  It drives me nuts when I see others (who I don’t feel deserve it) receive good things in life and I don’t.  My mother always says, “That’s just what you see and hear about, who knows what their life is really like.”  But that doesn’t help!  Just seeing/hearing that shit is enough to send me over the edge!

At the end of the day the reason I’m really upset is because 1) I’ve gained a bunch of weight. 2) I have to do all these things (blood tests, body scans, etc.) that are costly and pointless in my eyes and 3) This is my life for the next 10 years! 

I don’t want this!  It bothers me that I will never get an “Okay!  You’re done, enjoy your life!”

To be honest.  I’d prefer to never see another doctor again and just go about life.  I don’t want my life to be all about doctors, procedures, bills, etc.  I understand that this decision my shorten my life, but I don’t care!  I almost feel like I’m battling against my natural clock.  Maybe I’m not supposed to live a long life, maybe I’m supposed to die young, and that’s fine.  I’m just so sick of what my life has become, it’s so frustrating.

I told my mom this and she didn’t reply.  My gut tells me she (and my grandmother) is not going to allow me to walk away, but I want to.  I’m just very upset about all of this.

This concludes my pity party.

That is all.

Sauerkraut