I'm Ordained

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Nothing cool happens in my life. I wake up every morning, check on my pumpkins, I have nine by the way, and that’s about it.

Today my mom brought me some mail and I was super excited to see that one of the items I received was the 2010 exhibitor handbook for the state fair, I spent about an hour thumbing through, looking at all of the contests I plan to enter, I hope I win something.

I can’t decide if I should enter the cake contest? I entered last year, made a cake and re-made the cake three times before running it over with my car. In other words, I wasted a ton of time and money… I get very stressed out and my inner perfectionist comes out. The theme is “birthday cake,” which could be fun, but I’m still on the fence about it.

What else did I do today? Oh! I became and ordained minister. Yup. It’s true, I can marry you, and my “certificate” is in the mail… I really need a fucking life.

- Last night I performed an operation sweatpants. 

- Last night after my grandmother ripped a huge fart she told me she had a “12 horsepower.” I’m not sure what that is.

- This morning my grandmother yelled, "help me," in her sleep, that was awkward.

- Today she was looking at my Blackberry and I was telling her everything it could do when she told me that, “it could also be my boyfriend.” I replied, “it does vibrate.” She was shocked, but took it very well.

Anyways, tomorrow I’m heading back to Boise, Idaho for the birth of my nephew, he’s due in one week from tomorrow.  I should charge my camera. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. My favorite cheesy show, “The Ghost Whisper,” has been canceled, I’m super sad.
 

Nothing Important, Rawr

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Last night I finished the first draft of my top secret project, I can’t tell you what it is… Yet.

Also, my pumpkins are doing awesome! I woke up this morning and not only is pumpkin number two coming up, but another pumpkin showed up in the same pot as pumpkin number one!  Plus, I saw two more getting ready to pop up, so exciting!

I got so excited I rode my bike to my mom’s house and started preparing their spot. I didn’t get very much done because it got really cold and began to rain, but I have some time before they need to be planted in the ground. In the next few days I plan on tilling the soil, mixing in some good soil and borrowing some chicken shit for fertilizer.

Lucifur is going ape shit playing with my hair tie and I’m confident I could eat an entire cheese pizza and a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts right now. Fuck my life.

I miss my nephew.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Today I got a video of my nephew playing fetch, really. His mom was tossing something across the room and my nephew was running, picking it up with his mouth and returning it to his mother. I’m so proud.

Pumpkin Update

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My pumpkin is doing well and that second pumpkin I was telling you about will probably pop up tomorrow.  If you look really hard, you can see him poping up in the pot near the bottom of the photo.  I'm so proud.

That is all.

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Flower Garden

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Today I went to get my dog and when I got back my grandparents were in the backyard planting flowers. I parked my bike, grabbed a cupcake and asked them if they wanted my help, indeed they did. I quickly ate my cupcake, tossing the wrapper to the side and dug in. Just when I began to dig in the dirt my dog decided to eat the cupcake wrapper so I had to ram my hand down his throat and yank it out, not once, but twice. Covered in dog spit I finished planting the flowers and took the following picture of my grandparents… Notice my grandmother is wearing surgical gloves?

The flower bed was my grandfathers gift to my grandmother for her 77th birthday, isn't that cute? Finally, here’s a photo of my pumpkin on day two, he’s getting so big.

Also, I noticed that two more pumpkins are about to pop up, I can’t wait!

That is all.

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No Baby

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I remember telling all of you that I wouldn’t be posting for a while because I was headed to Boise, Idaho for the birth of my nephew. Well, he wasn’t done cooking, so I’m back home for a few days and I thought I would write a quick post.

On Friday I went to a birthday party at a bowling alley for a little girl I barely know. She comes from a very nice family and the cake, although chocolate, was good. My pint-sized nephew had so much fun bowling with the big kids and he looked so cute in his tiny bowling shoes.

After the birthday party we went to Costco so my brother could use his new membership card, we didn’t buy much, but we did steal a life vest. Basically, my brother wanted to get my nephew a life vest for a boat ride this summer. We were trying some on and my nephew liked it so much that we never bothered taking it off. When we went to check out my nephew was sitting in the cart and the next thing I know, we’re walking out of the store with a free life vest. I could see how the store clerk would have missed this, but how many parents dress their children in a life vest and take them to Costco? Just saying.

On Saturday we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and that was super fun. I sat next to my nephew and at one point he stood up on his booster seat; thrust his pelvis forward and said, “wiener, wiener.” It’s these moments that remind me we’re related.

Sunday we kept ourselves entertained by going on a walk at this house in the middle of nowhere. It’s supposed to be somewhat spiritual, but really it’s just bizarre. Aside from the annoying kids I wanted to punch in the face, it was pretty neat.

Remind you of someone?

You should have seen me try and get on this thing...
I never made it.

However, dinner at Texas Roadhouse and the walk did not entice my nephew to join us in this world, I can’t say I blame him. On Monday we went to the doctor and he said that if my nephew didn’t arrive before Tuesday, June 1st, he would induce my brothers girlfriend. So, I decided to come home for a few days and take care of some crap.

Monday was my grandmothers 77th birthday and I’m really happy I got to be here for it. Sure I showed up at 8PM, but at least I got to be here. Yesterday, I made her dinner, she wanted pulled pork sandwiches, chicken cabbage salad, watermelon and a cupcake, and so that’s exactly what I made.

Today I will run a few more errands and re-pack my baby bag. I’m not sure when I will head back to Boise, but I hope I make it up there before he decides to arrive. I have a feeling he’s going to arrive before I get there. In other words, avoid I-84 because I can guarantee you, I will be driving like my old self again. Danger, danger!

In other news…

- My nephew likes macaroni and cheese, I’m so proud.

- Cotton candy is like crack to a toddler.

- My nephew sprayed himself in the face with hairspray and thought that was really neat. I on the other hand, thought I was the worst aunt in the world for not grabbing the bottle in time.

- I have one pumpkin!

- My egg never hatched. I took him off life support on Friday (I unplugged his heating pad) and yesterday, after my grandfather told me “no,” I put him in the compost pile. Boo, I’m an egg murderer.

- In 15 years, my nephew will hate this photo...

- The botton that hides my ass from the world on my tie-dye long johns poped off.  My brother didn't want to see my chonies so I stuck a chip clip on my ass to close the gap.  When my I sat down, I broke it.  Do you think I'm a fat ass?  What if I told you I was eating chocolate cake when it happened!  Boo!  Fuck my life.

That is all.

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I Was Pissed And Now I'm Not

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Mornings are crucial in my world because they determine the remainder of my day.

For example, if I get less than eight hours of sleep, watch out! If I am woken up instead of waking up, that’s also a problem. And finally, the first few events to occur during my morning determine my day.

Last night I had a really hard time falling asleep because I had a pounding headache. This morning, at 8:29AM the phone rang. As fast as I could I grabbed the phone, thinking it was my brother calling to tell me my nephew was on the way, but it was I Heart To Fart…

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Sleeping.”

Him: “Do you want to meet me a Flags for breakfast?”

Me: “No.”

Him: “Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”

I am not mad that I Heart To Fart called, I’m rather flattered that he would call me and ask me to go to breakfast with him… Even though Flags is forever away and the biggest shit hole in the world, I was still flattered.

Anyways, when I went to get up I was knocked back down because my headache had not gone away. After three aspirin and a few hours of just laying in bed, I decided to push through the headache and get up. I stumbled around the kitchen looking for something to eat and at one point I sat down on the table in the living room to brush my teeth. That’s when I discovered this…

Someone wrote the world “dusty” in dust on the entertainment center. This my friends, is what ruined my day.

I sat there with a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth trying to determine whose handwriting it was, I have two guesses. Regardless of who did it, I know it was directed toward me. I know that someone is trying to tell me that I need to dust my grandparent’s shit. Here’s the thing, I’m the only person doing the cleaning! Seriously! You try keeping up with three and a half adults, two shit fuck dogs and an asshole cat, it’s hard work. People assume that I sit around here sponging off my grandparents; well it’s not true!

So, now that my day is shot everything is irritating me… That my nephew is taking his sweet fucking time being born, that I have to drive to butt fucking nowhere to teach a one hour swim lesson tomorrow, that there are no eggs in the house, that the house is dirty, that my grandmother woke up at 2:39PM today, the stupid dog with the high pitched yap, everything! It’s all driving me nuts.

I know the best thing to do is lock myself in my room, but I don’t want to be in my room. I want to be out doing something, but I don’t have anywhere to go, no one to go with and no money to get there.

Fuck my life!

It is now about 9:15PM and I feel better because I made crap and I’m baking. It’s true being crafty and baking makes me feel really good, weird.

One night, around Midnight, when my grandparents were asleep,

I decided it would be a great time to tie-dye some crap...

And I made a huge mess.  Crafting.  It makes me happy. 

Anyways, today I made my good buddy PDX the coolest thing in the world and I’m hoping she wears it on her annual naked bike ride, hint, hint. I know you’re supposed to be naked, but I think this will pass.  I wish I could show you pictures, but that would ruin her surprise.  I also made her this other cool thing earlier in the week, but I can't show you that either, fuck!

Also, I’m making biscotti. I actually hate biscotti, but my grandfather left a couple of biscotti recipes on the kitchen table, which is his way of saying, “will you make this?” Moving on… Last night I made cranberry almond biscotti and tonight I’m making apricot pistachio biscotti. I’m getting a little creative by dipping one end of the biscotti in white chocolate, because that’s the way I always see it in the stores.

Anyways, tomorrow I teach my swim lesson (lame) and after that I’m headed to Boise, Idaho for the birth of my nephew… I hope I make it there in time? Regardless, I can’t wait to hang with my nephew, he’s so squishy. When I get back I’m sure I’ll have a shit ton of stupid shit to post about.

Sianara Assholes!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  My grandmother is the one who wrote the word "dusty" in the dust... It's okay if she does it.  However, I discovered more dog barf on the floor and I'm waiting to see how long it stays there before I have to clean it up.  I think my egg is dead.  Yes, I think I've been trying to hatch a dead egg.  Tomorrow is the two week mark, boo.  Oh and I have gas.

Dirty Chones Part 2

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Remember that video I posted regarding retail stores selling dirty underwear? If you need to refresh your memory see my post titled, "Dirty Gizmos" posted on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010.

Well, I just discovered a follow-up video, click here to view it: Dirty Chones Part 2.

That is all.

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I Went To Salt Lake City... Again... Big Surprise... My Life Is Lame.

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Friday, after my swim lesson, I jumped in the car and headed for Salt Lake City, one of my regular stomping grounds. First I had lunch with one of my old co-workers at Au Naturale, which is where I saw this sign…

For dinner I met up with a bunch of my Salt Lake friends for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, can you believe I’ve never been there?

The food portions were huge, but I made sure to save room for dessert. I figured it would be a crime if I went to The Cheesecake Factory and didn’t try the cheesecake. So I had “Stefanie's Ultimate Red Velvet Cheesecake,” AKA 42 Weight Watchers points.

To give you an idea of how many points this is, you’re allowed to have about 24 points a day. Lucky for me I’ve fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon for the 17th time, so I wasn’t too concerned.

Anyways, I’m not a huge cheesecake fan, but I do love red velvet cake so this sugary concoction was pretty freaking amazing. The next night I ate my leftovers for dinner and that was awesome. Normally I don’t have leftovers, because I’m a fat ass and I eat everything on my plate, but this time I did and that was really neat.

After dinner I went bowling with my little brother, Sheek Geek and his adorable girlfriend, Jordan. It was good times and I was really happy to spend some time with Sheek Geek and get to know his girlfriend.

Saturday I woke up super early (7AM, ha, ha!) and drove to Orem/Provo to get my armpits zapped. I can honestly say I HATE Orem/Provo. However, it wasn’t too bad this time because most of the students were gone and it was really early.

Anyways, I got my armpits zapped for the 7th time! Most people only go five times, but because I’m a hairy breast, thanks mom! I will be returning for yet another appointment, awesome. After my appointment I swung by Krispy Kreme, don’t act surprised and headed back to Salt Lake City, stuffing my face with doughnuts to get Mr. Coconut and his kids ready for a company party.

Had I known we would be ready early I would have stopped at Old Navy… They were having a grand re-opening celebration and the first 200 customers would win either a “graphic tee” or a pair of jeans! I wanted to win the jeans for my mom. Plus they were giving away a $200 and $500 gift card. Can imagine all the dumb shit I could buy with that?

We arrived at Mr. Coconuts company party early, which turned out to be a good thing because we were able to knock out a bunch of stuff before the lines got huge. For a company party it was pretty cool. They had those germ infested air bounce toys for the kids, face painting, balloon animals, a Snuggle Bear mascot (my favorite) tours of the factories and food. I was just happy Mr. Coconut gave me his credit card and let me buy the kids new outfits. Not only were they clean, but they looked good *sigh of relief. *

Pissed that "The Snuggle Bear is not looking at her."

I was so tired when we got back to Mr. Coconut’s house that I took a three-hour nap! You know I’m worn out if I’m taking a nap.

On Sunday morning I went to breakfast at The Park Café with Gyro. We planned on going at 9:30AM with Sheek Geek and his girl, but as usual Gyro and I got ditched, surprise! After breakfast we walked around Liberty Park, my favorite park in Utah, and spent the next few hours at Barnes and Noble catching up on celebrity gossip.

After I fetched pizza for Mr. Coconut and his friend I headed home. When I got back I went to my mom’s house and rode my bike up and down the street, my dog was nipping at my knees and toes the entire time. I don’t know why he does this, but it’s pretty funny.

Oh! Today a dog attacked my dog. This shit-ass dog jumped on him and started fighting with him. My poor, old ass, tenderhearted dog dropped to the ground, probably dislocating his hip, and did his best to defend himself, but he’s such a lover, he had no chance.

I had just finished washing my car and I saw the whole thing happen. I flung the water bucket, yelled “what the fuck!?” for the entire neighborhood to hear and rushed toward my puppy. By the time I reached him the owner had stopped her dog, but I was pissed! Just so you know I would do anything for my puppy… Including taking the life of another dog. Don’t mess with my puppy! He’s old and I love him. Moving on…

My egg still has not hatched. However, it does appear that something is in there. I’m not sure if it’s a bird, or a fried, rotting blood sack? Speaking of babies my brother called today and said that my nephew is going to come any day now. I guess his mother is in labor (supposedly that can last for days?) and she’s dilating (gross). So, my guess is he’ll be born on May 24th

Also, my pumpkins have not decided to come up yet. I’m just sitting around waiting for shit to happen and with my luck it will all happen at the same time.

In other news…

- I went to this giant cooking store in Salt Lake City, it’s now a personal favorite. When I was there I bought a shit-ton of stuff I don’t need: skull and crossbones ice cube trays, chewed gum magnets, cake pans, pancake pans and last but not least, 32oz of mini gummy bears! It’s true. While it may seem ridiculous I’m proud of myself for not purchasing the 5lb. bag of mini gummy bears. What?

- A conversation with Mr. Coconut's daughter:

Me: “Breeze, why is your hand down your pants?”

Breeze: “My pee pee hurts."
Me: “Um, okay.”
Breeze: “It bleeding.”
Me: “Okay. You need to go tell daddy.”

Breeze continues to ramble. I have no idea what she’s saying because my mind is stuffed with panic.

Breeze: “Daddy! My pee pee hurt!”

Turns out two weeks earlier Breeze was running around in a pair of her mom’s high heels when she fell, cut her cahootie and had to be rushed to the emergency room. Wow. Um, okay. On a positive note she wasn’t molested.

- Remember I was telling you about those God awful "princess shoes" that Mr. Coconut's daughter loves?  Here's a photo of them, they're awful and I hate them.

- I purchased a knock off Bump-It called “High on Hair” from the dollar store. Don’t judge.

- Last night I barfed. This happens when I eat out too much.

- This morning I woke up to discover that one of the dogs climbed onto the kitchen table, ate a bag full of dog treats and barfed them up all over the house. When I pointed out all of these barf globs to my grandfather, he did nothing. Eight hours and six minutes later I couldn’t take it anymore and I cleaned it up. WTF!?

- I found this note on the fridge today...

- I went to a baseball game tonight with my mom and she was babysitting a kid when he yelled, "fine!  I go to time out now!"  And he did.  And he sat there for a good 20 minutes before he decided he was done.  Why can't all kids do this?

Yeah. I’m over this.  Rawr!

That is all.

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Shaved Legs And Blackheads

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Yesterday I was in an evil mood, but then I shaved my legs and it’s like I was a new person. It’s amazing how something as simple as shaving your legs can make you feel so much better, but it does. Moving on…

If you have a sensitive stomach maybe you shouldn’t read this part…

Yesterday my grandmother asked me to look at something on her back. It looked like a blackhead, but it was weird, I can’t explain it. Most of the time when you squeeze a pimple it pops up, when I squeezed this pimple it would sink in and the skin would go over it.

Anyways, after about five minutes of picking at it I squeezed the most awesomely huge blackhead I have ever seen in my entiren life!  I should have taken photos, damnit!  It's so awesomely amazing that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I hope my grandmother has more of those things because I love picking at things like this, seriously. I know it’s gross, but it’s true. In fact, it’s for this reason that my mother thinks I should become an esthetician.

Anyways, shaving my legs and squeezing that weird blackhead thing made my day.

Finally, I had a dream last night that I was in a math class, that I was failing (surprise!) and my teacher hosted an extra credit party. I knew I really needed all the extra credit points possible in order to pass the class, but I also knew that I didn’t know how to do any of the math, so I asked my childhood friend, Jill, to let me cheat off her.

I was getting so frustrated that she was getting distracted by the treats that she wasn’t answering all the questions, she didn’t need as many points as me. Then I discovered there were gummy bears at the party and I had a huge bag full. I also discovered that my classmate had a smaller bag of gummy bears, but they were mini gummy bears… I convinced her to trade me.

That is all.

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Dreams

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I was reading my buddy PDX’s blog today, P.S. I love reading posts, and I guess she had a dream. Here’s the thing… Her dreams are very… Fancy?  They tend to have deep meanings and shit.  Mine...  Are just fucked up.

Here’s my dream from last night…

I was lying in bed when I noticed my neighbor standing outside (some young guy, kind of cute. I don’t have a young, cute neighbor, but whatever it’s a dream). I got this weird feeling in my gut that said, “he’s going to try and kill me.” I slowly got out of bed, careful not to make any sudden moments that would draw attention to me and then, he came crashing through my window swinging one of those plastic yellow bats, WTF?

Because his eyes were still adjusting to the darkness I was able to sneak past him into my grandparents room. I woke up my grandfather, “grandpa! Where’s the gun!?” As usual he couldn’t hear a fucking word I was saying and my efforts to speak louder woke up my grandmother, who also couldn’t hear me asking where the gun was.

Eventually I found it but it was this piece of shit plastic gun that looked like a toy cowboy gun. I fired it at my neighbor hitting him in the upper arm, the rest of the shots I fired were duds, awesome. By this time I realized that he too was shooting at me, but they were all blanks? When I shot him he went back to my room and jumped out the window.

First I checked to make sure my grandparents were okay, they were. In fact, they were both just laying there arguing about where the gun was. Then, about five hours later I decided to call the police, but I couldn’t find the phone book! I didn’t want to call 911 because apparently I didn’t think that a neighbor crashing through my window with a bat and a gun was an emergency. After hours of trying to find the number to the police station I decided to call 911 and the dispatcher was a real bitch. This bitch! She told me that the police department wouldn’t come and investigate for some shit-ass reason I can’t remember; I think it was because I didn’t lock my window. I tried to tell her that the cops DID need to come because there was a really good Adidas Originals Superstar 2.0 shoe print on my clean, white window seal. And judging from the mark they left this dude kept his shoes looking clean. She didn’t fucking care?

The next night I noticed that my neighbor and his friend were sleeping in my yard. I got the hunch that they were waiting for me to drift off to sleep before they jumped in, attacked me, harmed my grandparents and stole all their money and crap. My hunch was right again!

They came busting through the window and this time I knew where the gun was. I went for it and I remember thinking “I’m going to bust so many caps in these guys asses that the cops are going to be able to see through these mother fuckers!” Sure enough, I did.

However, the next day, they were alive, WTF? So I was trying to keep the windows and the doors locked but my grandpa kept opening them, I was getting so pissed! I tried to explain to him why they needed to remain shut, but he didn’t give a rat’s ass.

Later in my dream my uncle invited the neighbor and his friend in the house, apparently they were buds and they were going to play some stupid game together, WTF? I didn’t believe that they were friends with my uncle but rather that they were trying to get in the house, so I slashed their bike tires. A bike tire, really.

Then my mom reluctantly came to pick me up for swimming and I told her we didn’t have to go, she was cool with that. But then, I felt guilty, so we went. I forgot my swimsuit, she was pissed. I borrowed my cousins brand new one that she got for a really great deal and my mom was pissed that my cousin got a really good deal on it and she didn’t. Then I woke up.

Now this is one of my more normal dreams, seriously, I have some really fucked up dreams, I should tell you about them. So I’m wondering, what the fuck are my dreams trying to tell me? I think it's telling me that two Rainbow Chip cupcakes today was not enough and I should go eat another one.  And why is PDX getting all the moving, deep meaning, movie like dreams?

In other news:

- My grandmother told me I was overweight last night and that I will probably get Diabetes.  Thanks Grandma!

- Someone at my mom's work wants me to make their wedding cake... I think I'll decline.

- I put a heating pad under my "special" baby, to help him grow.  I hope I don't cook him.

- My grandfather will not let me test "The World's First Compostable Chip Bag" in his compost pile.  Now I have to drag it back to my mothers and test it there. Which I'm sure she'll be really thrilled about.

- There is a woman outside calling for her dog. She has a very annoying voice and if she doesn’t take her fat ass across the street in a mater of minutes I’m going to go out there, get her stupid dog and strangle here with its tail.

- My grandparents are slobs. I’m going to go cry about it.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Stupid Update... Read It Anyway

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I was having a conversation with Mr. Coconut over the telephone today when I sighed. My grandma heard this and said, “You know, if you breath heavier you might get invited over!” I told her she was a pervert, to which she replied, “no I’m not, I’m an old woman.”

While making rainbow chip cupcakes (my favorite!!!) tonight I asked my grandmother, “was anyone in our family a prostitute?” She replied, “just me!”

My “special” baby has not hatched. I was going to make him a homemade incubator, but at this point I think it might be too late? I do have him wrapped in my blanket for extra warmth, I talk to him and tonight he’s going to sleep with me… Hopefully, I don’t squish him. How long should I wait before I determine he’s dead? And what should I do with the egg if he is dead? Cook it? Flush it down the toilet? I just don’t know.

My grandpa has taken over the pumpkins… The pumpkins my grandmother continues to call “cabbages.” Every morning I go to take them outside and my grandpa has already done it. Today I went to water them and he yelled at me, “don’t water those, I already did!” I told him they looked a little dry and he kindly allowed me to pour “half a glass” of water into MY pumpkin planter. Then when I went to bring them inside, he had already done it.

My mom was telling me tonight that my grandpa was giving her directions on how to grow the pumpkins. I’m a little disappointed that my grandpa has taken over my project; this was supposed to be my project. I must admit, if I win at the fair I won’t be as proud of myself because my grandpa did so much of the work. However, I’m happy my grandfather has found something to do.

Izzy's Quilt

I finally finished my nephew’s baby blanket. Originally I was going to do this super cute monkey quilt, but then I decided it was too baby-ish, I wanted more of a little man blanket. So I decided to make him the same blanket that I made Izzy, but different, if that makes any sense? Dweedle’s has two pockets, for his treasures, which will probably be Cheetos, his name on it and crazy dinosaurs on the back. I love it.

Dweedle's Quilt

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. My grandparent’s dog, Pet Cemetery, keeps checking under my bed for monsters. Odd.

Pumpkins, An Egg and Mother's Day, Oh My!

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Sometimes I force myself to post; this is one of those days.

* My nephew, Dweedle, is due in less than a month; his due date is June 6th, 2010. I still haven’t finished his baby blanket… Because I suck.

* On Friday I planted my giant pumpkins. If you forgot I’m going to try and grow the biggest pumpkin and enter it into the state fair this fall. I’m hoping to place in the top three, wish me luck.

Pumpkin supplies

Grandpa's watering the pumpkins with a watering can

 that looks like an elephant.

* Also on Friday I was grocery shopping when a bird zoomed over the produce section of the store. So, the next time you purchase produce, check it for bird shit. Lucky for me I wasn’t purchasing produce; I was purchasing “USA Bears!” Red, white and blue gummy bears, oh yes.

* When I was mowing my mother’s lawn on Friday I let my dog off his zip line (yes, my dog has a zip line) because I almost killed him once when I ran over the zip line with the lawn mower. Anyways, for some reason he wanted to wander the neighborhood and I kept having to chase him down with the lawn mower. I’m sure the neighbors were wondering why I was flying down the road and across their yards on a lawn mower.

* Also, when I was mowing the lawn I saw two robin eggs. One was splattered all over the place and the other looked like it was okay. I scooped it up as I passed by, put it in my pocket and finished mowing the lawn. When I finished I made my bird an incubator using a bowl, toilet paper and Saran Wrap. It fell pretty far and if it survives it will have mental problems.

My "special" baby.

* Saturday morning I walked into the kitchen on an interesting conversation. My grandfather told me that he used to throw 39 nickels into the front yard and ask the kids to find them… He told them there were 40. While the kids were looking for that last nickel my grandparents were in the house getting frisky. Um, awkward.

* Also on Saturday I was watching TV with Mr. Coconut. We were watching some show about logging. One of the men was in the hospital and when I asked Mr. Coconut what was wrong with him, he replied, “he has a horny-a.” Not a hernia, but a “horny-a.”

* Yesterday I made breakfast for my family in honor of Mother’s Day. I found this yummy looking recipe awhile ago for Gingerbread Waffles and I wanted to try it, I thought this would be the perfect occasion. When I was pouring the molasses my grandfather told me the following joke:

“One spring day a father mole crawled up his hole, looked around and said, ‘I see green grasses.’ Shortly after the mother mole crawled up the hole, looked out and said, ‘I see beautiful flowers.’ Then, the baby mole crawled up the hole and said, ‘ I see mole-asses!’”

Honestly, the joke wasn’t that funny, but I found it rather adorable that my grandfather stood there in his white t-shirt and sweatpants, telling me this joke, he got a real hoot out of it. He told me that he’s known that joke since grade school and that back then if you told that joke it was enough to get your ass beat. Too cute, I love my grandpa.

* Later that day my mother and I went for a bike ride, it was her Mother’s Day wish. I rode my new bike and she rode “The Hardly.” It wasn’t long before she realized why I don’t like that bike… It hurts your cahootie. I think people really dig my bike, I made lots of new friends… And my mother was really embarrassed that I was ringing my bell at everyone we saw and every intersection we crossed, good times.

Well, this is all I really want to talk about right now, so I’m done.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Jackpot, Nevada And A New Bike!

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday at 9:30AM I Heart To Fart called me because he wanted me to go to Jackpot, Nevada with him. I’m not sure why, but I agreed to go, probably because I wasn’t doing anything else and I always have a good time with I Heart To Fart. Again, I’ve been to Jackpot, Nevada before, but it was years ago and I only remember the swimming pool.

We squished into the Mi-Rota, of course, and headed toward Jackpot. We would have arrived much sooner, but we managed to miss the giant sign telling us to turn. Let’s just say we ended up in some place called Buhl, Idaho… It took us an hour to get back on track.

The Mi-Rota

We got to Jackpot around Midnight and to no surprise, it was dead. While we were checking into our hotel room the reservations clerk mentioned that we had a room with a king sized bed. I Heart To Fart quickly jumped in, “nooo! We’re going to have to change that. Can we get two beds?” Crushed I asked him, “you don’t want to sleep with me?” In which he replied, “maybe if you washed your vag!” Awesome. Now everyone at Cactus Pete’s thinks that I have a dirty vagina. Neat.

Our room was on the second floor (yes, we still took the elevator) and was super cute, I Heart To Fart loved the décor. However, despite their advertisement the buffet was not 24 hours, so we had to go across the street for some grub.

Do you think these spots on our ceiling are coffee or blood?  

I would like to know.

I had a crap ass burger, the salad bar (which was pretty good) and the most disgusting double slice of German Chocolate cake ever. After I Heart To Fart ate the frosting off my cake we headed back to our hotel for some gambling. P.S. I Heart To Fart ate for free because she forgot to charge him and I got in trouble for taking photos in a casino, lame!

I Heart To Fart in Heaven... Smoking and Gambling.

It was freezing cold outside so I decided to skip into the hotel when I farted. It was good times.

We spent the next few hours sitting at the same set of machines, pushing buttons and gambling away our money… Actually, I blew $20 that belonged to one of I Heart To Farts co-workers and $3 dollars of I Heart To Farts. I never win. After I Heart To Fart kicked back a few Long Island Iced Teas he gave me a new knickname, “Fancy Feast.” What the fuck!? For the record, I don’t want to be Fancy Feast.

Eventually, we went to bed and I slept very well considering every pillow in the room was on my bed, thanks to I Heart To Fart.

Could there be anymore pillows on this bed?  I don't think so.

We woke up around ten, which after a late night of gambling seemed so early. When I woke up I realized that my throat was extremely sore, I wonder why? Was it because I was yelling at the kids on the swim team? Was it the cigarette smoke? Or was it something else? Regardless, it’s killing me.

While we were checking out of our hotel room the woman mention that she was going to charge him $80. Thinking we were being charged twice or fined, I asked I Heart To Fart if we were getting charged “because of the blow up doll.” Now everyone at Cactus Pete’s thinks we’re into some kinky shit.

Again, there was no buffet, boo. So we ate another God-awful breakfast at the same shit hole and hit the road. On our journey home we stopped at the same park I went to with my brother and his family a few days before. Good times.

I made it home just in time to fill out some paperwork for my new job as a swim instructor and purchase a “Cozy Coupe” for my nephew… It’s his birthday present. I’m going to put it together, plop a giant red bow on it and roll it out to him.

Finally, I purchased a bike today! It’s ridiculously perfect and I love it! It’s a red, Schwinn Cruiser, complete with a basket and a bell, hell yes.

My new bike!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I rode my bike home and asked my grandpa to come look at it. He didn’t believe me when I said I purchased a new bike so it took some coaxing to get him out of his chair. He also told me that if there wasn’t really a bike, “he was going to punch me in the stomach.” Indeed there was a bike and his response was, “what about it?” Awesome, glad you like it.

Daddy Troubles

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m feeling mad, very mad, super mad. So mad that not even my zombie pills can curb my anger.

For some reason, unbeknown to me, I’ve been thinking about my father a lot lately. I don’t like this. I don’t normally speak of my father simply because I don’t really know him and for the past decade I’ve blocked him from my thoughts. Until recently, I didn’t know if he was dead or alive.

For some reason I’ve started asking myself questions: where does he live? What does he look like? Do we have anything in common? Does he know I exist? Will I regret it if I never see/speak to him again? Etc. But here’s the thing… For the bulk of my life, I’ve been without him. It’s always just been mom and me and we’ve done just fine. Shit! I’d say my mom did a damn fine job!

Anyways, I’ve never been angry toward him (until now, but we’ll get to that), I’ve never blamed him for my life’s misfortunes, wished he were around for an event, etc. It’s almost like he’s never really existed. So why, after all these years, am I starting to wonder? It’s bothering me, a lot! Moving on…

About a decade ago my father decided to write off my brother and I. Not that he was really ever around, but he really wrote us off. Briefly here are my feelings toward my father:

1) When I was little he was a part of my life and I have nothing but fond memories of him.

2) I wonder why he decided to cut off contact with us? I didn’t even have the chance to do something to piss him off, at least not to my knowledge.

As you all know I have a nephew who I love and adore with all my heart. What bothers me is that my father ditched my brother and I (which I’m totally fine with), replaced us with his current wife’s children/grandchildren (which I’m fine with), but has failed, in my opinion, to be a grandfather to my nephew.

My father has only laid eyes on his grandson once in his two years of life. What hurts is that my nephew will only know what my brother and I share with him regarding this side of the family. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much to share with him… Because I don’t know the guy!

So tonight I got a phone call from my brother, he found a website and some video about our father. I guess my father started a community garden and their video was about some birdhouses he’s building for his “grandchildren…” Not including my nephew.

I’m so mad at him! I want to wait in the dead of the night for him to walk past and attack him! I want to scream at him and ask him why he won’t be more involved in his grandson’s life. What is his deal!? I don’t get it!? Look at my nephew! He’s freaking adorable!

Perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that my nephew, and the one on the way, are surrounded by so many people that love them that they’ll never know what they’re missing out on. It’s just sad.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. You can make a donation to my father’s community garden in memoriam. I was thinking about making a donation… In memory of my father. Would that be fucked up or funny? I can’t decide.

Fun With My Nephew

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday was super fun.

I woke up early, got ready and headed to Twin Falls, Idaho for Gorda’s bowling tournament. Gorda is the little sister of my nephew’s mother, make sense? Also, “Gorda” is her nickname; I guess she was a chubby baby. But no, I’m not being mean, that’s really what she goes by.

Anyways, I’ve been to Twin Falls before, but it was about ten years ago and the only place I remember is the swimming pool. So I was kind of excited to explore it.

When I got to the bowling ally my nephew was really grumpy because he wanted to play but couldn’t, there was too much going on and too many people. Knowing it would be a challenge to get him to warm up to me when he was grumpy I pulled out my secret weapon, candy! I learned a long time ago that if you want a child to warm up to you, just bribe them with candy, I call this “making friends.” So, I came prepared to make friends with my nephew, I brought him his favorite candy… Gummy bears. Oh yes! Now you know we’re related.

The bowling tournament went pretty quick and Gorda didn’t do as well as she wanted to. I tried to give her some words of encouragement, but at that age, kids don’t care, they just want a fucking prize. Moving on…

Gorda and her best friend Dana after the tournament

After the tournament we stopped at Arby’s for a bite to eat. As soon as we walked through the door my nephew ran up to an old couple, “hi!” After we ordered our food he jumped up onto the seat, turned around and screeched, “hi!” to the people trying to eat behind us.

Oh shit! This kid definitely got the “weirdo bug.” The weirdo bug is when weirdoes are drawn to you and you occasionally find yourself being the weirdo, talking to random people about pointless crap. The weirdo bug runs in my family… On my father’s side.

Trying to get situated my nephew announced, for the entire restaurant, “I poop!” He didn’t really poop but apparently he felt that was appropriate talk for the joint. Awesome. A few moments later he picked up his curly fries, dumped the entire thing all over the table, put the carton over his mouth and blew into it as if it were a horn.

He enjoyed playing in the “Horsey Sauce,” dipping curly fries into Arby’s Sauce and feeding them to me. Not a huge fan of Arby’s sauce I just made noises like I was eating them. Maybe this upset him because he decided he would drop them all over me. Currently, my sweatshirt is downstairs soaking in stain remover.

After lunch we went to a really cool park down by the Snake River. Finally, my nephew got to play. He had a blast going down the slide, throwing rocks into the river, playing with puppies and exploring a new place.

Right before I left we drove up to a waterfall. The cool thing was, there was a mini trial that allowed you to walk behind the waterfall. It was pretty rad to look up and see a shit ton of water plummeting over the edge crashing to the ground.

Looking up at the waterfall

Under the waterfall

Eventually it was time to part ways, I was super sad. My brother is the only person I have from my father’s side so I always enjoy spending time with him, getting to know him and discovering things about myself. Plus, I can’t help but want to spend every moment possible with my nephew.

I'm loving the baby bump!

I hope that when he’s older he will know who I am, how much I love him and remember all the funs times we shared together.

The love of my life!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I saw a really cool PostSecret yesterday that made me laugh because this is totally me…