Venting

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m feeling a lot of frustration lately. 

I feel like there’s a pattern people are supposed to follow in life: graduate high school, go to college, date someone amazing, get your master’s degree, your PhD, get a high paying job, get engaged to your college sweetheart, buy a house and have kids.  If others do not follow this pattern, that’s okay, but if I don’t follow it, then I’m a complete fuck up!  Despite my exhausting efforts to be “perfect” and make everyone around me happy, I have failed life by not reaching these milestones. 

I’m 30 years old.  And as far as I’m concerned, I’m too old to get married or have kids, my ship has sailed.  I will admit there was a brief moment in my life when I considered the idea, but the truth is I’ve just never had those urges.  I seriously wonder if there is something wrong with me.

As I approached my thirties I forced my mind to switched gears, now I’m preparing for my future.  My goals now are: be a good aunt (I suck by the way but we’ll get into that later), make money so I can take care of my mom when she’s old and prepare for my own decline.

Let’s be honest, I’m 30.  One day, my grandparents will pass away, my mom will pass away, PDX will marry and probably have at least one accident, I Heart to Fart will marry and have several kids and I on the other hand will have no husband (no grandpa, I'm not a lesibien) and no kids.  I do have a couple of nephews and soon a niece, but they will be busy with their own lives and their own grandparents/parents.  In other words, I have no one.  Unless I want to end up in Bennion Care Center, I need to get my shit together…  Quick! 

I can honestly say I have major anxiety about this topic on a daily basis.  And lately my family is not making me feel better about my failures.  Here’s a recent conversation with my mother:

Mom: “What size ring do you wear?”
Me: “Fat size. And if you’re asking for Mr. Coconut, the answer is no.”
Mom: “You don’t want to marry Mr. Coconut?”
Me: “I don’t want to marry.”
Mom: “Well I hope you don’t want to be alone forever.”
Me: “Why not… It runs in the family.” Rude, I know… Moving on…

Another recent comment from mommy dearest while I was holding Molly’s baby:

Mom: “Are you sure you don’t want to have a baby?”

Me: “Yup!”

Mom: “But what about your mom!?”

My grandmother told me this weekend that I wasn’t being “fair” to her by not having kids.  Annoyed I replied, “That’s what my cousins are for.”  She didn’t like my response.

In addition to my family I’ve been dealing with my boyfriend who suddenly likes the idea of marriage.

When I first met him he told me he didn’t want to get married again.  Yes, again.  Recently, now that I’ve put up with four years of his bullshit, his friends have all taken the plunge and his father told him he “should have married me years ago,” he wants to talk about marriage. “Would you ever marry me?”  “Let’s go to Vegas and get married!”  Blah, blah, blah.

The truth is my wall is built.  And once my wall is up, it’s damn near impossible to break it down, seriously.  Clearly he didn’t think enough of me to consider marriage years ago, not that I wanted it, but some companionship would have been nice.  Now I’m too old, I need to protect myself and plan for my future, alone…  So I don’t end up at Bennion Care Center.

I have also made it a goal to create a living will.  This has always been a goal of mine, but due to recent events I have decided to make this a priority.  What happens if I get in a car accident (very believable considering how I drive) and wind up in a coma?  I need to make things easy for my mom.  I need to have legal documentation of my wishes etc.     

I’m sure you’re all thinking to yourselves, “You’re only 30!”  Look at it this way…  I’m 30.  Based on what I’ve read, getting pregnant after 35 is considered a high-risk pregnancy.  So, that means I would need to meet someone, date someone, get engaged, get a higher paying job so I can afford shit, get married, buy a home, get pregnant, get another higher paying job so I can afford shit and have a fucking kid in a mere five years.  That’s a lot of shit. 

And then what?  Life’s over.  I spend the rest of my days working my ass of for an ungrateful, bitch that won’t go away… Fun.

To be honest, I feel like a failure because I don’t really have anything to show for my 30 years on this earth.  To me, the purpose of life is to get married, have kids and raise good citizens to maintain life on earth.  Well, if you don’t do that, what’s the point of life?  Answer, there isn’t one.  So, here I am, wandering the earth with no direction, no purpose.  Sigh.

The number one reason I don’t want to have children is failure.  It would break my heart if I poured every ounce of love and made every effort to raise a wonderful child to have them end up a disaster, I couldn’t handle it.  As most of you know I take being an aunt VERY serious.  Being an aunt to me is not fun, it’s a job.  I take my role as an aunt as serious as I would the role of mother.  The difference is, I don’t have to take full responsibility if things don’t work out.  Regardless, I will feel like a failure if my nephews/nieces do not become what I feel they should.     

Lately I feel like I’m failing at being an aunt.  Honestly, I adore my nephews/nieces but the fact that I have so many bothers me (just a little)… ONLY because I feel like I can’t give them ALL enough love, time and crap.  I feel like I dont have enough love to go around (and it worries me!), I feel like I'm not there to set a good example for them, and if I was there, I'd be setting a horrible example for them because I'm a failure!  Plus, I always feel like I never make enough money to spoil them, that's what aunties are supposed to do!

This brings me to another topic… I’m having a really hard time with this next addition.  When I heard I was getting another baby I was upset, for the reasons I mentioned above.  But!  When I found out it was a girl, I was very upset.  Very, very, very upset.  Why?  Because I already have a niece and no one will ever take her spot.  I have to remind myself that this new baby is not a replacement, just an addition. 

Furthermore, my brother and The Neighbor Girl have decided to give this child my middle name, as her first name.  Do I wish they would have asked first?  Maybe.  Only because I am very protective of my middle name as is my family.  Perhaps it was meant as a surprise?  My family would prefer that they use my name as her middle name, but the reality is…  You can’t tell people what to name their kids. 

I’m not sure why they decided to give her this name, maybe they thought it was an honor and that is very thoughtful and sweet.  But!  I hope that my brother and The Neighbor Girl tell people where the name came from and I hope that people pronounce it correctly, if they don’t,  I swear to God I’ll flip, fucking shit

Also, because this baby is a girl I have very high standards for her and because this little girl is my namesake I have extremely, maybe even irrational standards for her.  I expect her to be better than me and achieve everything I never did, which is a lot.  However, I will do my best to relax and hope for the best.

Regardless I will shave off a chuck of my tiny heart for her and do my best to set a good example for her.  But how can I expect her to brush her hair when I enjoy wearing my in a crazy bun!

In other news, I’m considering moving in with I Heart to Fart.

Pro’s:

• I will have company.
• I can save up some money, about $16,000, to use toward debt or a down payment on a house.
• I can get an English bulldog; he will have a big yard to play in and a friend in Buddy.
• I can always move out.

Con’s:

• Although we have lived together several times before, I don’t want living together to ruin our friendship.
• I won’t have my own space.
• I will have a much longer commute.
• I will be living in I Heart to Farts parent’s house, I will be reduced to a room and my stuff will be stuffed in a garage, again.

What do you guys think?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

I Might Be A Twi-Hard

Sauerkraut Here,

I think I might be a “Twi-Hard.”  A “Twi-Hard” is basically a super fan of the “Twilight” series and the Saturday receptionist at the old folk’s home is definitely a Twi-Hard. 

Before I started working with her I knew that “Twilight” was a series of books about vampires, written by a Momo.  I’ll admit, I hear Momo and my mind instantly shuts off, so I was less than interested. 

I remember my mom telling me about these books and I remember searching for the one titled, “New Moon.”  Then the phenomenon struck.  To this day, every time my mom hears something about “Twilight” she tells me the same damn story… How she started reading those books, told everyone they were pretty good, asked them to read them and no one listened. 

To make a long story short my co-worker, the receptionist, showed up to work one day with the first movie, “Twilight” in hand.  I took the movie reluctantly and knew in my heart that I would never watch it, but I did…  And I have to admit, it was pretty good.

Edward and Bella

Here’s why I like it, it’s different.  Now there are tons of books, TV shows and movies about vampires, but before the “Twilight” series, there weren’t that many.  Now days it seems like every movie being made is a remake, a sequel or something with a very similar plot to another movie.  These are different, I don’t really know what to expect, and I like that. 

I also like the cinematography.  I can’t explain it; it’s very dark, somewhat peaceful yet eerie.  Again, kind of hard to explain.

Anyways, I totally get why these 18 year old girls and Mormon housewives love this shit.  Sadly, a part of me can relate.  It’s kind of have fun getting lost in this weird fantasy land of vampire/werewolf romance.

Thanks to my lovely receptionist I have now watched the first two “Twilight” movies and I have to admit, I’m kind of excited for her to bring me the next one.  Who knows, maybe I’ll go to the Midnight premier of the last “Twilight” movie caked in glitter.

That is all.

Sauerkraut  

New Years Resolutions

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My New Year’s Resolutions (in no particular order):

1)      Be a better employee.
2)      Apply and go.
3)      Be a better daughter/grandchild.
4)      Be a better auntie.
5)      Cut way, WAY back on eating out.
6)      No more drinking soda or coffee except on special occasions.
7)      Try to exercise.  To start I’m going to try 2-3 times a week.  I will probably fail at this one.
8)      Donate to the Huntsmen.
9)      Get a living will.

That is all, for now.

Sauerkraut

Visit With The Boys

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On Saturday I flew to Boise, Idaho to see my nephews. I’ve actually never been inside the Boise Airport so I wasn’t exactly sure where I would meet up with my family so I just kept walking to the luggage claim. On my way I looked over; saw The Neighbor Girl and then my two buddies. When I approached the exit door the lady in front of my came to a screeching halt when she was cut off by a tiny cowboy and a loud auntie yelling, “Oh my goodness! It’s my best buddy!” Soon enough I arms were wrapped around one of my favorite tiny tykes. I love that he is still so tiny I can scoop him up. When I looked down that was my little shy guy waiting for his hug.

That night we headed to my brother friend’s house for some type of a New Year’s Eve party. I don’t remember much. I remember The Neighbor Girl making tamales and I remember falling asleep on the couch at about 10:50PM… “Every party has a pooper…” I also, remember that I was awoken every few minutes by nephew, “Aunt Wani, Aunt Wani, Aunt Wani…” And I remember being smacked in the face by my youngest nephew who simply wanted to say, “Hi.”

The ride home was miserable. I was uncomfortable in my clothes, tired and in car full of sleeping boys. When we got to my brothers place we carried in the kids and The Neighbor Girl did her best to wake up my brother who wanted only to talk about fish tails.

Luckily, the boys slept in the next morning so I got caught up on some of my sleep. When I awoke, there was my tiny nephew, standing before me in his Sponge Bob Square Pants Pajama Set, “Are you cold Aunt Wani?” I mustard up a, “Yes.” Excited by my response he shouts, “Me not cold, I have on my jammies!”

The pajama's Santa accidently left at my house.  And yes they are grabbing themselves. 

 My little Superman.

It took me a really long time to wake up on Monday but when I finally did we went to see the new house. I have mixed feelings regarding this house. Part of me is jealous, part of my is happy and part of me is worried…

Yes, I’m jealous. I want a house! The problem is, I don’t know where I want to be yet, but I’m 90% sure it’s not Utah. Plus, I can’t afford it. Sure I could get a loan, but I have a very hard time with any kind of loan. My car payment alone gives me a great deal of anxiety. I do not like debt. Debt scares me. Just like everyone else, I want the American dream, but I won’t go into debt to achieve it. Moving on…

I’m happy for them. I happy that my nephews will have a place to call home, a room of their own and a big plot of land to play on. But I worry. While inspecting the home thoughts were running through my mind. Example: Are they going to be able to afford this? It’s so far away! Are my nephews going to be racist!? This sure is a busy road… How far away is the hospital? Is this land haunted (we’ll get to this in a moment), the girl should be in the front of the house, close to the parent’s bedroom, so she can’t sneak out. Izzy should not be allowed to have this room, it’s too easy for him to sneak out and get into trouble. Dweedle needs carpet and a closet… You get the idea.

Anyways, it’s a cute little home with a beautiful view of the Snake River (swim lessons!!!) and I hope they take good care of it, plant so trees and grass and have many happy memories in it. Plus the kitchen opens up into the living room and I know the neighbor girl likes that. Now for some neat stuff!

When we were loading the boys into the van my nephew asked, “Who that name is?” When my brother and I asked who he was talking about he said, “That soldier.” I continued asking my nephew questions, “Where is this soldier standing?” Does he look happy, sad or mad? Is he talking to you?” So, I’m guessing the land that this house sits on was the site of a battle where a soldier lost his life. Considering it’s near the Snake River, the site of many battles with the Native Americans, I’m thinking that’s a pretty educated guess, I shall investigate. Let’s just hope it’s not an unmarked Native American burial ground because then they would be fucked.

Idaho City.

The last day that I was in Idaho we went on an adventure! At the last moment we decided to have a picnic in Idaho City, Idaho located about 45 minutes Northwest of Boise. When we pulled into town we went straight to the cemetery because I wanted to make sure I saw it before it got too dark outside and we got kicked out. It was a pretty cool little cemetery with some interesting graves. It’s estimated that over 3,000 bodies were placed there yet only about 300 have been identified.

Cool graves.

Idaho City was established in December of 1862 when the gold was discovered. At one time there were over 2,000 people living there, now there are about 250. I plan to re visit this tiny town in the summer when they have its “discovery days” and make a weekend of it. I think I would have fun exploring this tiny town and its neighbors.

We never had our picnic in Idaho City because it got dark really fast. Instead, we placed a blanket on the floor when we got back to the house, sat in a circle and had roast beef sandwiches. It was truly the cutest picnic ever, Izzy was so excited.

Getting home. I have the worst luck when it comes to travel and my luck yesterday only supports this statement. My brother and I headed to the “plane port,” my eldest nephews term for the airport at about Noon. I stepped inside the airport at about 1:30PM. Shortly after arriving at my gate they announced that my plane was delayed 30 minutes, it hadn’t even left Spokane, Washington. A few minutes later it was delayed further, sometime after five and a few minutes after that, it was delayed until 8:15PM… Five hours! Yup, my plane was delayed for five hours, oh joy! Surprisingly I remained very calm, bored, but calm. I suppose my brother could have driven back to the airport to get me but that sounded like a lot of work/gas for someone with two wild boys. Plus, I wanted to be there in case there were any more changes to my schedule. So, they bad news is I spent a very long day in the airport with nothing to do. The good news is, I now have a $200 voucher that I can use to visit my buddy PDX in Portland, Oregon. The wait, was worth it.

That is all.

Sauerkraut