Ghostly Encounter?

Sauerkraut Here!

After spending a few hours at the apartment I went to Mr. Coconut’s house and when I got there I was in the kitchen making myself a wonderful dinner (a ham and cheese hot pocket and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich). I remember making the worst looking sandwich ever but I was so exhausted I really didn’t give a rat’s ass. I joined Mr. Coconut in the bedroom and when I was sitting on the bed eating my sandwich I swear I heard the refrigerator door close. Thinking I was my usual drunkenly tired self, I ignored it. About a minute later Mr. Coconut says to me, “Did you hear that?” A little shocked I said, “You heard it too?” He replied, “Yeah. It sounded like the refrigerator door opened and then closed.” We sat there and looked at each other, a little confused and then we moved on.

This morning in the shower I realized something… My cousin visited me. It’s my belief that when people pass away they return to their loved ones to let them know they’re okay, but you have to be open to it. I know I wasn’t the most important person in his life, but perhaps he could sense my emotions and knew I would pass the message on. I believe he was there with me when I was making my crap-ass sandwich and he manifested enough energy to open and close the refrigerator door, it was his way of letting me know he was with me and that he’s okay.

Also in the shower, I finally came up with a nickname for my brother’s girlfriend… “The Neighbor Girl.” My brother is nine years older than me and I think sometimes he forgets that I’ve grown up a little and he can’t fool me as easily as he used to. So, for the longest time my brother would refer to his girlfriend as “The Neighbor Girl.” I played along, but I was well aware of what was really going on. It wasn’t until he called me to tell me that I was going to be an auntie (part 2) that “The Neighbor Girl” got a name. In fact, I remember saying, “Who’d you knock up Billy? “The Neighbor Girl?” So, from this point forward I will refer to my brother’s girlfriend and the mother of my nephews as “The Neighbor Girl.”

Finally, I am dressed as a fat bee and I do not do drugs.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Air Freshener Is Boo Boo

Sauerkraut Here!

One of my duties at work is to check the bathrooms, really. I go around making sure there’s plenty of toilet paper, baby wipes, air freshener and hand soap in all the bathrooms. During my short time with this office I’ve come to notice a few things…

Guys clearly out number girls in this office building and all but one work upstairs. However, the guys upstairs all take their shadoobie’s in either the women’s bathroom upstairs, the men’s bathroom downstairs or the uni-sex bathroom in the warehouse. It seems they’re trying to hide the fact that they boo boo? Well, they really suck at it.  In addition, and this is nothing new, the guys use more baby wipes, more air freshener and less hand soap.

Here’s my problem with air freshener, it doesn’t work. Basically, odors are tiny molecules of chemicals from things like food, flowers or boo boo that float through the air. So, when you walk in a bathroom and you smell a shadoobie, really you’re breathing in molecules of someone else’s shit… This is why I’m constantly covering my nose with my sleeve; I’m trying to prevent the molecules from entering my body. Back to the point…

When you walk into a bathroom that has been sprayed with air freshener you still smell the shadoobie, it doesn’t magically go away when you spray freshener. Instead, it forces your nose to work harder to recognize the dual scents; hence you ingest more shit molecules.

Just saying.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

What A Week

Sauerkraut Here!

What a week…

On Saturday I went to Williams-Sonoma (a super fancy/expensive kitchen store) to purchase a gift certificate for my newly married cousin. While I was there, looking at all the fabulous kitchen crap I can’t afford, I stumbled upon a neat little book called “Cake Pops.” Basically, it’s a book on how to make little cakes that look like lollipops. When the clerk approached me I was telling her that I may ask for this book as a birthday gift, she then informed me that they were doing a drawing for an autographed copy the next day. Excited for the opportunity I entered. She told me I didn’t have to be present to win, but the sign said I did.

The next day, because I’m a loser with nothing to do, I went back for the drawing and indeed you did need to be present to win. There were five people (including me) present to win and I was really hoping my name would be called because unlike the others, I entered prior to the drawing, came back for the drawing and knew what the fuck I was entering for. To make a long story short, they called my name, I won and I was so excited I let out a nice squeal! Then I blew $50 on Pumpkin Parmesan Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin Pecan Waffle Mix and Pecan Syrup. Fuck my life.

I won!

Also on Saturday, Mr. Coconut and I went to see Jackass in 3D. I was really hoping to see this movie but both of us are pretty broke, so we split the costs...  He bought the tickets and I bought the treats. To no surprise, the movie was awesome (if you like that kind of stuff) and it made me laugh, I love anything that makes me laugh. Anyways, it was a nice little date night.

Mr. Coconut in his dork-ass 3D goggles. 

On Monday I started my new job. Waking up early and working for eight hours is something I need to get used to again, but for the most part I enjoy my new job. My boss is a bit of a micromanager and I’m not a big fan of micromanaging, only because it makes me feel… imperfect.

This week I was put in charge of the company Christmas party, the company Christmas card, employee Christmas gifts (clearly they have no clue how much I loath Christmas), a bowling party, and new signage for the building. These are all simple tasks that I find to be fun and familiar, so I think my co-workers were a little surprised at how well I performed these duties. I on the other hand am wondering who was working for them before me, a glass of water?

What I enjoy most about my day is taking Merwin (“Mernie” for short) outside to do his business and enjoy the sunshine. Each day I make sure I wear the same scent so Mernie will recognize me. I approach him slowly, placing my hand in front of his nose and then I pick him up, carry him outside and watch over him. When he’s ready to go in, I place him in the correct position and watch him make his way back to his owners’ office, it’s pretty cute to watch his crazy legs at work. I think he can place himself based on the different flooring textures? Occasionally he runs into my desk or a wall, but for the most part he does really well.

"Mernie," he stinks and has goop on his eyeballs... I think that's why I like him.

Overall I think my boss is happy with her choice to hire me, but I think she may be a little worried that I’m bringing too much of my personal life to the office, I’ll have to work on that. Who knows, I may be quitting in a week… I have a job interview on Wednesday.

On Tuesday, I think? I went to dinner with I Heart To Fart and it’s always good to see him. After dinner we did some power shopping, something I Heart To Fart is notorious for. Basically, by the time you walk in the store and decided what you’d like to look at, he’s by your side telling you he’s ready to check out.

* There is a very smelly man behind me at the bookstore. He is talking to himself and I’m hoping he does not want to be my friend, because so many like him do. Moving on…

After some power shopping I Heart To Fart took me back to my car and that’s where I saw it… A hoarding car. I haven’t yet, but I need to send these pictures to my mom because I tease her that she’s a car hoarder. Anyways, I tried to get these pictures discreetly but it’s pretty obvious when it’s night time, your hovering around the jalopy, your camera flash is going off and your friend is yelling for you to “be bold!  Jump in there and get the picture.”

I also signed the lease on the apartment I previously posted about (see previous post for photos).

* When I picked up the keys to my new apartment the girl asked me if I was excited about my new apartment?  I responded, "I'm just waiting for my car to get jacked and wondering if I'll get shot in the face by any trick-or-treaters?  It's okay, I can handle those nine-year-old's."  I think she was a little shocked by my response?

After work I dropped by to really take a look at what I had just signed up for. Is it the nicest place? No. Well I be content there? Probably. However, I’m very tempted to paint the walls, clean the carpets and… everything else.

Overall, I think I found a decent place, in an okay neighborhood for a good price. Plus, I’m really excited to have my own space… To dance naked in. Rawr.

So, this weekend I’m headed home to pick up my shit… That has been sitting in a storage unit since July of 2009. Also scheduled this weekend is the haunted tour of my hometown, I can’t wait! I’m sure I’ll let you know all about it.

In other news, my favorite cousin on my father’s side, died. I wish I could say the news caught me off guard, but it didn’t. Over the years I’ve learned that those of us that share this bloodline tend to have nine lives...  That we use up quickly, ending in a tragic death. The news reminded me that life is very fragile; I think people tend to forget that. There is nothing physical to hold us back from taking a life, but rather the fear of punishment, whether it be the justice system, personal baggage or the after life.

Although my cousin hasn’t been in my life for well over 20 years, I have often reflected on our times together as kids. I remember riding down the hills of Escondido, California on the handlebars of his bike. I remember he was wild, full of life and the poster child for the I****d side of the family. I’m saddened by the fact that I will never reconnect with him in this world, but my gut tells me that I will encounter him again.

I’m not sure what I believe in regards to death and the after life, but I do feel there’s something more waiting. Maybe I’ll see him in a dream, I’ll get the feeling that I’m not alone, experience a ghostly encounter, or maybe I’ll see him on the other side? Until then, I will continue to reflect on him positively and keep the memories we shared close to heart.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I got my first paycheck today... $149.61!  I told my mom I would buy her a car... A hoarding car.

Making Roots

Sauerkraut Here!

I told you before that I got a job as a receptionist at a small web company in Salt Lake City, Utah.

On my last day at home I didn’t feel nervous, excited or even sad, just numb. I can pretty much guarantee you that I subconsciously put up a mental block to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed. I didn’t want to think about this being my last day of freedom, my last day to hang out with my dog, help my mom, my grandparents and spend my days creating zany projects in the sewing room. Sigh. All in all I think I did a really great job at convincing myself that this is what I need to do and I’m just going to have to pull on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Lucifurs favorite hiding spot, my closet.  I found him when I was trying to pack.  Crappy cat.

So, the day before I left I turned down an interview with the Idaho Food Bank (for a number of very logical reasons), quit my job at the pool, informed the fabric store that I was leaving and attempted to pack. But as always, I waited until the last minute to pack, throw my stuff in my car and drive away. 

I also cleaned out my grandparent’s refrigerator. I don’t need to remind you, but I will, that my grandparents are from the depression era, which means they don’t throw anything away. To them an expiration date is simply a “suggestion” and everything is “still good.”

A long time ago my grandparents left town and I took it upon myself to clean their house. When I was cleaning I threw away some stuff that I didn’t think was important, clearly I was wrong. I threw away some McDonalds Happy Meal Toys that sat atop the china cabinet for nearly a decade and when my grandparents discovered this, they flipped out. Since my cleaning spree, if something goes missing, “Sauerkraut threw it away!” So, I can guarantee you I will get my ass reamed for this cleaning, but it needed to be done.

Here are the two oldest items I found…

Stir Fry Chicken Seasoning Blend... Expired in October of 1999.

Not only the oldest item in the fridge, but my favorite find... Medication to be rectally every four hours, it's from July of 1992.  Bam!

Cue the singing angels!  The end result.

It’s weird being back in Salt Lake and to be honest I don’t think it’s fully sunken in that I’m going to be here for awhile.

I’ve only been at my job for three, half days but I think I’m going to enjoy it. Aside from it taking me three days to clean my cubical (people were really weirded out when they saw me sorting my paper clips by size, color and texture), fucking up an incoming call from the CEO’s daughter (who also works within the company) and starting my period on the job, I think I’m doing okay. Again, the only thing that doesn’t satisfy me is the pay; I need to teach myself to care about something other than money… I haven’t had much luck so far.

Anyways, I’ve been staying at Mr. Coconuts’ house for a mere four days and already I’m desperate for my own place. As much as I love video game battles, pubic hair on the toilet and cooking from a single pan, I think I could really use my own space. I found one place online, its not the cutest, its not the ugliest, but it’s available, and affordable. However, I have a feeling it’s going to be a race to see who gets it first, I hope I win

The outside... Creepy.

The Living Room 

The Kitchen... Tiny, but functional.

Bedroom #1

Bedroom #2 AKA The Crafting Room!

 The Honey Bucket. 

Anyways, I’ll do my best to keep you updated on my new adventure.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  On my last day at home I kept hearing a weird sound coming from the kitchen.  Later I discovered that a grasshopper had jumped into the kitchen and was trying to avoid Lucifur, who was on the prowl.  Just when I went to go help it I looked over and there was Lucifur, chomping away.  Sigh, poor little grasshopper. 

P.P.S.  Some other random photos I've taken recently... 

This little house is for sale in Salt Lake City and everytime I pass it, I pause and stare for a moment, I think it's so adorable.  Sigh. 

Zap!  Zap!  My armpits after a laser hair removal treatment.

Safety first... Nevermind that I took this photo while driving. Cringe.

I saw this sign when I was driving around back home, I thought it was cute.

Cousin Trav's Vegas Wedding

Sauerkraut Here!

Lots to talk about, here we go…

As always I waited until the last minute to pack for my trip to Las Vegas, Nevada to attend my cousins wedding. Mom and I flew out of Salt Lake City, Utah on the evening of Friday, October 8th and I could tell she was uncomfortable with the boarding methods used by Southwest Airlines, but whatever.

When we landed in Las Vegas my original plan was to steal a free shuttle to the MGM Grand and walk our luggage up the strip to our hotel. Some would argue that this is weird, but it’s Vegas, anything goes. Instead, mom and I paid for a shuttle that took so long to arrive it had more passengers than it could handle.

Here’s when I got upset… When mom and I arrived at the designated shuttle pick-up there was a line that quickly became a massive blob. When the shuttle arrived people attacked it from all angles and one drunken man yelled out, “No cutting!” To which another man (of color) responded, “Hey man we’ve all been waiting,” and then they fist bumped. Anyways, I overheard the couple in front of mom and I, who did cut by the way, say to his girlfriend, “I didn’t hear him say anything to me, he’s probably scared because I’m black.” Instantly I was pissed, here’s why:

1) The guy yelled for EVERYONE to hear.

2) My fucking fart could blow this scrawny guy over, so I highly doubt the drunken man was “scared” of him, period. In addition, I highly doubt he’s racist considering he just fist bumped another man of color a mere second before his ignorant comment.

Moving on…

When mom and I arrived at our hotel two things came to mind…

1) I can’t wait to get mugged in the parking lot.

2) Clearly they rent by the hour.

3) I wonder how many crack whores have died here?

4) Bummer about the STD’s I’m about to contract from the sheets (yes, I Heart To Fart I did toss the comforter).

After checking-in and placing our stuff in the “room” we took a stroll on the strip. My mom, who hasn’t been to Las Vegas since she drove through in a moving truck with a five-year-old and a drooling, orange cat loved watching the people and was fascinated by the flippers (the folks who line the streets with smut cards).

Oh! And I made a new friend! When mom and I stopped into a 7-11 I had a very interesting guy approach me (he was so close I was positive I was about to get stabbed) and asked me to look at him. When I did, he stared into my eyes and said, “Trippy.” Okay? When I asked him what was “trippy” he told me, “my eyes were the first thing he noticed about me, that they are intensely blue and truly beautiful.” Random.

After making a new friend and getting denied entrance to a Mexican restaurant for not having my identification, I headed back to the hotel on an empty stomach.

A fountain at Caesars Palace, I think?  I don't fucking know. 

The next day Mom and I walked the strip for hours, seriously all day! We went to the Bellagio to pick-up our tickets for the show that night and to see the flower display (one of my favorite things about Las Vegas).

We visited the Miracle Mile Shops, which by the way my mother was not impressed with, probably because everything cost over $5. We went to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and saw all the celebrity wax sculptures. P.S. It was pretty cool to see how tall/short/fat/skinny some celebrities are.

I'm feeling very... very... white, in the photo.

If Mr. Coconut ever sees this photo he will be very jealous.  However, I'm not sure if he would be jealous that his girl is with "The Rock" or that he isn't with "The Rock."

We ate at Serendipity 3; I finally got to try the infamous “frozen hot chocolate,” a bucket list item for any fan of the Food Network. And finally, we went to see Cirque du Soleil. Mom and I were in the front row and you’d think that would be great, but it wasn’t. I would have liked to be up higher so I could see the show as a whole and the patterns of the dancers/synchronized swimmers.

I found this mask in the Cirque du Soleil gift shop, I really wanted it, but it was $115.00, boo.

Sunday was the day of the wedding. Mom and I woke up early, packed our shit in bags (mom had a Ross Dress For Less plastic sack) and hit the strip to the MGM Grand. When we got there we joined up with my uncles to get ready for the wedding. Mom fluffed grandmas’ bouffant while I squeezed my oversized jugs into a suffocating, overpriced, blue dress.

On our hike to the ceremony I quickly remembered why I never put lotion on my feet, it creates a swimming pool in my shoe. Let’s just say it wasn’t long before I was walking through the MGM Grand barefoot.

The wedding was quick, small, had a hint of personality, some imperfections and a little laughter, which I absolutely adored. However, my favorite moment was when my cousin noticed I was in the audience, he shot me a huge, cheesy grin accompanied by a rapid wave and I responded with my own cheesy grin and frantic wave, it was like we were little kids again.

After the wedding some of us gathered downstairs to enjoy some drinks, Pringles and doughnut holes. On the way to the reception my uncle bitched about my grandfathers’ vague directions while my other uncle told stories from his job and searched for a spot to purchase a card for his only sons wedding (that he’s known about for a year). My mother tried to participate in the conversation, but she had no chance, A+ for effort mom. I choose to sit in the backseat with a plastic bag over my head in an effort to avoid secondhand smoke.

Now for the reception… Let me make this quick:

1) My grandfather brought his dogs to the reception. Yes, he brought his dogs to a wedding reception… Held at a rental home… Rented by the brides parents. Awesome grandpa.

2) My grandmother did not want to wait for the ribs. Before the wedding party arrived mom and I caught her trying to sneak a rib out of the tray. Then, when it was time for the food my grandmother was the first one in line; I’m actually surprised it wasn’t my grandpa. Anyways, the brides’ mother couldn’t open the tray fast enough and you could see the look of frustration on my grandmothers’ face. Then mom and I caught her trying to sneak a rib from the tray using her dirty, used fork. Really grandma?

3) Grandpa spilled on his shirt, no surprise there.

4) As soon as my grandmother was finished eating she was ready to go home.

5) While talking to my cousins roommate, whom I met when I went to Chicago last Halloween, my grandpa approached us and here’s the conversation that followed:

Roommate: “Hi! I’m Minotaur, a friend of your grandson.”

Grandpa: “Hi, I’m grandpa… And this is my granddaughter, she’s single.”

Neat-O. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t embarrassed (at all) because I’m used to grandpa. However, I was really feeling bad for my cousins’ roommate, you could see he was caught off guard and feeling really awkward.

6) During a toast my uncle decided it was a great time to rip ass… And it wasn’t discrete.

Despite my exhaustion I went back to the hotel, released the beasts (took off my bra), changed into some comfortable clothes and headed back to the MGM Grand. I spent some time with my cousins and their friends and then on the way to some bar I decided I would rather grab a cheeseburger from McDonalds and hit the sack. So, without saying goodbye I just kept going while the rest of the pack headed up the escalator.

I remember scarfing down cheeseburgers with my mom in a dark hotel room and tossing the wrappers randomly within the room, that’s all I remember. I was so exhausted I told my mom the wrong departure time (luckily it wasn’t too far off), slept passed my alarms and packed my suitcase in a matter of minutes, it was literally thrown in there.

We caught a cab to the airport and while trying to board the plane I was paged to the counter where the woman working it informed me that I didn’t have a boarding pass, who knows where I left it… Or if I ever picked it up.

Finally, this is the only picture I have from the wedding/reception....

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Changing Seasons

Sauerkraut Here!

I’ve purposely avoided posting for a few days because I’m not sure I’m ready to share my news…

After applying for 135 jobs I have been offered a position as a receptionist… In Utah… Making $12 an hour. Sigh.

I wish I could say that I’m excited, but I’m not. What’s my problem?

1) It’s in Utah

2) I’m homeless

3) The pay

Actually, it’s just the pay. Let’s be honest, if I were offered a position that paid decent, I wouldn’t give a rats ass about being homeless in Utah. In fact, I’d be excited. I’m guess I’m just wondering how I’m supposed to survive on $12 an hour? Do I classify as low income? Can I apply for housing and food stamps?

I suppose I’ll give you a brief run down of my recent events…

My buddy Sheek Geek informed me that his company was looking for a receptionist and I decided to apply although neither of us knew what the position would pay. Lucky for me I was already in Salt Lake when they called me in for an interview. At the end of the interview I was told they would be making a decision rather quickly and I should have word by Monday.

On Monday I received a voice mail (I purposely didn’t answer the call) from the sales coordinator requesting an interview over the phone. Basically he held this position at one time and he wanted to get a feel for my abilities. I gave him a call on my way to lunch with a former co-worker and at the end of the conversation he requested a list of references. When I got back to Mr. Coconuts house, I emailed a copy… To the wrong email address.

I re sent him a copy of my references and on my last day in Salt Lake I was asked to come back in for a second interview. During the second interview I was offered the position. Now I have a letter of intent in my inbox and a start date of Wednesday, October 13th.

Everyone knows I got the job and that I’m moving back, except Mr. Coconut. I decided not to tell him until it really happens, because there is a chance I might back out. In fact, I haven’t told the fabric store or the swimming pool either.

So, a little bit about the job… I will (may) work for a small company that develops computer software and applications for various companies. The employees are a group of diverse, open-minded geeks and it’s a full-time, Monday thru Friday (clock in and clock out) position with full benefits (effective immediately). Also, I’m eligible for a pay raise in 90 days, fingers crossed. The dress code is very casual, there’s free food in the fridge and it’s dog friendly. Oh! And I already have a friend there. Honestly, if I were being paid more, I’d stay forever.

Anyways, tomorrow I’m headed to Las Vegas, Nevada for my cousins wedding. In other words, there are some awesome stories ahead.

That is all.

Sauerkraut