On The Move

Sauerkraut Here!

For the past three days I have spent hours helping I Heart to Fart prepare his new apartment for his arrival to the big city.  I wish photos could show how disgusting this place is, but it's making progress and I think he'll be really happy with the finished product.  Some of our progress...

Living room before ( I wish you could see how gross those "white" walls were and what a poor job the previous tenant did painting the orange wall)...

Making progress.

Front door/window in the living room/kitchen before... 

With some new paint.  Clean vs. dirty.

Kitchen before...

Dirty fridge (top half clean, bottom half, should be illegal)...

The dust buffalo (look close) found under the fridge next to I Heart to Fart's slipper (size 10)...

Bedroom wall.  Sweet Jesus I wish you could see how awful this wall was!!!

Kitchen wall after some TLC and bedroom wall with a fresh coat of green paint.

Bedroom wall part two... I can't wait until the doors and trim are done!

That is all (for now).

Sauerkraut

Halloween Is On It's Way!

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This morning I finished my first Halloween project and I couldn't wait to hang it up, but then I asked myself, is it too early? After talking to my mother and I Heart to Fart I decided it's never too early for Halloween! So... Look how cute my front door looks!

My gooey eyeball wreath! I made it all by my fancy self.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dreams Do Come True

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I’m finally able to eat real food again, joy! I can’t begin to tell you how amazing it feels to have the freedom to eat whatever I want. While on my diet there wasn’t much that didn’t sound delicious but I’d say my biggest craving was broth… Chicken broth, beef broth, you name it. I’ve never known myself to crave soup, but for whatever reason I had my eye on a can of soup my mother gave to me. So, when the time came I indulged myself in a can of Campbell’s Potato, Cheese and Bacon Soup. About five minutes later I was on the toilet with the screamers. This continued for the next couple of meals but I think my system has finally become iodine tolerant.

In other news I’ve had the week off from work and it’s been amazing! I got my house in order, picked up a few items at the store, made some returns, started some craft projects (my form of therapy) and helped my friend I Heart to Fart paint his house. Which might I add has been the most exhausting project of my life.

I don’t know how he does it but he always finds the trashy houses to live in and this one is a dozy. Every inch of this house needs cleaned, painted, or repaired. Seriously, every inch, no exaggeration. At the same time this house has the potential to be adorable if someone is willing to put some TLC into it.

Moving on… Tomorrow I have my body scan to evaluate how well the radiation worked and see if the cancer spread to any additional areas in my body. I’m a little nervous about this appointment because I’m very Closter phobic and I fear I may have a panic attack. I’m hoping the results are good and although it is highly unlikely I hope this is the only time I will have to do this body scan. The reality is, I will probably have to do this at least once a year for the rest of my life, oh goodie gumdrops.

In addition, I will be on a little purple pill for the remainder of my life, but at least it’s cute and purple. Supposedly this little pill will replace my thyroid and hopefully help me gain some energy and strength. I cannot explain to you how easily I get tired or how weak I feel every day. Let’s put it this way… Vacuuming my bedroom floor exhausted me and if I got in a fight I would probably tip over like a cotton ball and lay on the floor crying. Unfortunately, I still have that damn Irish temper, sigh. Thank God I have a crippled Samoan to protect me with his cane AKA his “magic stick.”

My 30th birthday is coming up and I feel I have a few reasons to celebrate: one, I’m turning 30 and two, I’m still alive, which I never thought I would be… I guess I should shut up; I still have some time to go.

This reminds me! Two weird dreams…

1) I had a dream a week or so ago that I had a really bad stomach pain and I went to see the doctor. I doctor informed me that it was protocol to give girls my age a pregnancy test to ensure that this was not the source of my main, interesting. In addition, this doctor told me I would have to take two, I was pissed. So, one of my tests came back negative and the other was positive. The next day when I awoke I received a phone call from my brother… As it turns out I will become and auntie (part 5) in February 2012. This must have been the positive test in my dream. The next day, I got a terrible pain in my stomach, went to the emergency room for a kidney stone, was informed that I had to take a pregnancy test as part of protocol and my test came back negative. This explains the stomach pain and the negative pregnancy test in my dream. Creepy!

2) I have always felt I would die young, 28 max! 15 days before my 28th birthday I totaled my car and the response team told me I should have died. Last year, at about this time I was talking to my best buddy PDX about a weird feeling I was having that 2011 would be a big year for me. I wasn’t sure if it would be good or bad, but it would be big! This year, so far I have lost my job, lost my puppy and been diagnosed with cancer. Again, my prediction was dead on.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I will post photos of my latest projects later.  Stay tuned.  Seriously, stay tuned...  Because no one reads this fucking thing anymore, tear. 

Rough Times

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Have I ever told you that I’m that girl? That girl that just continues to get shit on? What frustrates me, is that I try to do everything I’m supposed to in an effort to prevent this stuff from happening, but it never works out in my favor. I seem to always suffer as a result of other peoples mistakes. Example…

I took my car into be fixed on Tuesday. I waited at the body shop for 33 minutes for Enterprise Car Rental to pick me up from their Downtown location… Four minutes away. Had I known this, I would have just walked. When I arrived at the rental car place I waited another hour and 17 minutes to receive a car and the car I received was a hunk of junk. Meaning the “Check Engine Oil Light” was on, the car drove as if it had a separated tire, and there was mashed lipstick in the backseat with some little girl’s stupid lipstick lid. Not to mention it wasn’t that clean. I thought about complaining, but in all honesty, I didn’t have the time to complain and drive across the city for a different car.

Anyways… My car was supposed to be done in “three days,” well it wasn’t, it was done five days later. In fact, on Saturday I left work (with the permission of my boss) at 2PM to head home so I could go to the fair with my mom and I Heart to Fart and watch the demolition derby. I was pretty upset because I did not want to be charged by the rental car company (who conveniently closed at Noon) for dropping the car off late, even though it was not my fault.

Just when I drove passed the exit for the body shop I received a phone call, “this is Nick and I was just wondering are you going to pick up your car today? Because we close at 2PM.” My reply, “Is it ready? Because I never got a call which you promised me the last two times I called on it saying it was ready.” Long story short, I turned around to get my fucking car.

When I arrived to get my car it looked good and the body shop said I could leave my rental car there and they would call Enterprise first thing on Monday to let them know they had my car and that I turned it in on time, so I wouldn’t be charged.

Then came the bill. The body shop could not release my car without payment (understandable, but I don’t have that kind of money, I’m really struggling right now). I assumed this was something that would be worked out between the insurance company and the body shop, but apparently not. Instead I had to pay $620.05 to get my fucking car. And P.S., both insurance companies were closed for the weekend, super.

Along my journey home I stopped to get gas in Tremonton and discovered that the body shop put my car together wrong, joy! Just another fucking thing for me to deal with. Basically, I have a little button in my car that pops the lid to my gas tank. I no longer need that button because I can just lift the lid with my finger, pull the lining out (because it’s not screwed in) and if I need help, I can use the random metal part they just set in there to bounce around.

So, because I have nothing else to deal with in my little life this morning, before my radiation appointment I had to call the insurance company and ask for a check to reimburse me, call the rental car place (because the body shop hadn’t) and inform them where their car was and that it was returned on time and “fucked.” And call the body shop to inform them that they didn’t put my car together correctly and that I wanted it fixed, but could not bring it in myself because I would be radioactive.

On my way to the hospital I got a call from the insurance company asking me to fax over my invoice to prove that I need reimbursement for my car repairs (understandable). I’m upset because he didn’t ask this of me earlier and that I was helping them out because the charges were about $150 less than what the body shop estimated! Why! Why do I have to be honest? Why! So, on my way to the hospital I had to stop off and pay four bucks to fax three pages of information. Moving on…

Today was the day of my first, and hopefully only, radiation treatment. For the past 16 days I’ve been on this stupid diet and as a result I haven’t been eating much because the crap I am allowed to eat is awful. You can only eat so much Matzo Bread before your disgusted by it.

Prior to my radiation treatment I was asked to take a blood test (I honestly have no idea what for). When my name was called I informed the phlebotomist that not only do I have deep, tiny veins and a fear of needles but I’ve also been on this crazy diet and on top of that been asked not to eat or drink anything six hours prior to my treatment. The little girl took my blood and instantly I started getting light headed, then I started sweating, a ton. Then, I guess I passed out. I could hear some lady yelling my name several times, but I guess I wasn’t responding. Apparently, I was out cold for 4-5 minutes, pale as a ghost, my pupils were huge, I had what they thought was the “death rattle” and a very low pulse. Another interesting fact about me that not too many people know, my purse is SO hard read because no one can ever find it.

When I finally did come to I found myself surrounded by 11 people! They all rushed around me and I apologized for making them run because I’d be pissed if I had to run. And despite my humor they demanded I go directly to the ER… Again. Fuck! I was just there on Thursday! Word of advice; don’t pass out in a hospital! Do it at Olive Garden, you get to go home quicker, with left over’s and a smaller bill. Anyways, I missed my radiation appointment and spent the next three hours freezing in the ER, they’re always so cold. Everyone was real nice and they did really good at getting me out of there quickly and they even worked a deal with nuclear medicine for me to come in a 2PM despite how busy they were.

• Have just been asked by I Heart to Fart to “put his animals down if they are ‘old and freaking out’ after his death, stuff them and place them in his casket.” I agreed on the condition that he leaves me permission to have him dug up in his will.

Anyways, while in the ER the EMT’s brought in a 42-year-old guy who was visiting the hospital for the second time today. The first was to get some cream for a rash near his groin and the second was for rear ending someone while driving on a revoked driver’s license… Probably for drinking… Seriously. Anyways, he decided he was going to drag his blood covered body (he hit the windshield with his head) out of his bed and go outside for a cigarette. Along the way he stopped to have a brief conversation with me, nice.

Once I was discharge from the ER I rushed over to nuclear medicine and waited for my re-scheduled appointment. Thank Buddha they got me in because I can’t do this diet for much longer! The girl behind the desk was nice enough to get me a blanket that didn’t do much because I was frozen to the bone due to the temperature of the ER and the fluids they pumped into my system, but better than nothing.

After about an hour I was asked to come back to a room, pop a little grey pill and wash it down with some water. Not at all what I imagined.

Here’s the bad news… I must remain on this fucking diet until “tomorrow night!” Define “night” because they have NO IDEA how badly I want this fucking can of soup my mother gave me! I seriously almost cried. This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve cried over food.

When I finally got out of the hospital I was lost, so lost. Where I entered the hospital was nowhere in sight. There I was climbing stairs and walking around outside like an idiot. It took me 20 minutes to find the parking garage (where my car was hit several weeks ago).

On my way home, when my cell phone finally got service I received a message from nuclear medicine asking me to come back because they forgot to get a copy of my pregnancy test. I had to turn around, drive back, walk, take the stairs back to the pit of hell and give them my ER papers to prove I’m not pregnant. If I don’t care about killing a fetus with radiation, they shouldn’t either! After they made a copy, I climbed the stairway to the higher level of hell and drove my pooped, EKG sticker covered ass home.

Now I’m home. Happy to be here, but lonely and hungry for real food. I’m supposed to avoid the general population for at least three days so I don’t imagine the loneliness will go away anytime soon, boo.

On a positive note I went to the demolition derby, which always makes me happy. Spent some much needed time with my grandparents on Grandparents Day, I took them one of those delicious Bundt cakes. And did some minor grocery shopping in their cupboards.

 

I can’t wait until this is all behind me; or at least manageable. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. This has been a really rough year and I’m just over it.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Kidney Stones and Drug Deals

Sauerkraut Here!

It’s been rough. This diet has been really hard on me and not necessarily for reasons you would think. Sure I’m craving every delicious food under the sun including a jug of chicken broth but because I’m very restricted in what I’m allowed to eat it makes it very hard to nourish my body with the proper nutrients so I’m very tired and very weak. Since I discovered I could have organic, un-cured chicken from the meat department at Whole Foods I’ve been treating myself to white rice (organic, nothing on it) and grilled chicken, again, nothing on it, each night.

Last night after work I drove my tired ass to Whole Foods bought my chicken, drove straight home, tossed it on the George Foreman, that I haven’t used since college, and ate it up…

About 30 minutes later I was lying in bed when my cahootie started feeling weird, like I needed to pee, but when I tried, nothing happened. The pain quickly spread into the lower half of my left side, between my cahootie and rib cage. At first I thought I had food poisoning from the chicken I ate, but this felt different. Normally when I get food poisoning I get the boo boo’s and maybe barf once or twice, then it’s over. This was different… So I called my mom and explained to her my symptoms: I had the shooting pain (similar to menstrual cramps, which I Heart to Fart knows all about) that had now spread into my back, I tried peeing, I tried pooping, I tried the heating pad and nothing seemed to work. Mom suggested I try a pain pill and to no surprise I declined. Things started getting so bad she made me call Mr. Coconut to come stay with me, “just in case” and call her back to verify he was coming. Things continued to get worse and I could not do anything to make myself feel better, I just laid there on my side in a ball moaning in pain (I’m sure my neighbors thought I was having sex).

When Mr. Coconut arrived I made him communicate with my mother because I was too weak and in too much pain to hold the phone. She insisted I take a pain pill; unfortunately all I had was some left over pain pills from my surgery that I remember made me sick. In an effort to get them to both shut up I took a pill and sought comfort in my squishy bed. It was long after that I felt some barf on its way and by the time I determined I was correct in my prediction it was too late, I barfed in my mouth. I jumped up and ran for the bathroom but again, it was too late… I barfed in my tiny mouth again. I couldn’t hold it all in so it splattered all over the bathroom floor and apparently the door as I discovered this morning… I continued vomiting violently and yes, I barfed out the pill.

After the most intense barf session of my life I started to feel better (or blacking out, I’m not sure) when Mr. Coconut came to retrieve me from the coolness of my barfed covered bathroom floor. Again the pain started up again and it seemed to be worse but only because I was now convulsing in pain and freezing. Again, I called my mom who begged me to take another pain pill and again I barfed. By the end of this barfing session, which was not as bad as the first, I had barfed up every ounce of food in my system because it was down to bright yellow bile. The pain continued and it was at this point I knew something was wrong. With no insurance to my name I reluctantly asked Mr. Coconut to take me to the hospital.

I’m not sure if the fact that it was now 1AM helped, or we, by some miracle, hit all green lights along the way, but we got up there pretty damn fast. Now that I think about it Mr. Coconut’s crippled ass was probably having the time of his life flying down the road with his fucked up, barfed covered girl next to him.

When I checked into the ER the pain was unbearable, I couldn’t stand straight and I couldn’t open my eyes. The best way to describe it is… I’d rather pass out than deal with it. While waiting I barfed up some more bile in the bathroom and found solace on the floor of the Emergency Room.

Mr. Coconut: I’m looking for my girlfriend

ER Admissions Guy: She must have gone to the bathroom… Oh no, she’s over there on the floor.

Classy. When they took me in which seemed like forever, but was really pretty fast I couldn’t understand why they were taking my vitals and blood and not giving me something for the pain. By the time they came in to talk to me the pain had begun to fade away.

Awhile later I was asked to do a pregnancy test (routine for girls my age having stomach problems). When I went to put the lid on the urine sample I notice something in my cup! It looked like a rolled up baby potato bug. I thought to myself what the hell is that!? Should I dump this!? That’s embarrassing, but I’m out of pee! Deciding that I was in the ER and they had probably seen it all I left it in there.

A few hours later the lab results were back and apparently there was something wrong with my blood indicating something was off in my kidney region I also had blood in my urine. When the doctor said this I did remember seeing something in the toilet that morning and considering I’m a bleeder I thought to myself, is that blood? But it’s not my time of the month. To make a long story short I had a kidney stone and it was the most painful experience, worse than my surgery.

After some minor research I think this diet I’m on had something to do with it because 1) I’ve never had one. 2) I haven’t been drinking as much fluids as I should. 3) Because of my new, low iodine diet I’ve been eating more protein to keep my strength up (egg whites, chicken, etc.) and drinking nothing but Ginger Ale. Fucking cancer.

In other news my car is still in the shop and I hate my rental car. To make matters worse I was trying to rescue a dog running in a busy street when I backed over a flower pot and damaged the car. So, on top of my latest hospital bill I will more than likely have to pay for a crappy rental car. Joy!

Funny old people stories:

1) Carol to her friend in the hallway as I walked by: “There goes our dancer… And she has a nice butt!”

2) “My walker it stuttering!” It really was, it was SO loud! I replaced her tennis balls. Oh! And when I asked her how her new balls were she started giggling like a school girl, “Hush, he’s right there.” Referring to our maintenance man.

3) While reading the newspaper to the old folks… First article is about a US Space Shuttle, the second article is about a local kidnapping. There was a good 5-10 minutes between these two articles when one of our residents pipes up! “What does a space shuttle have to do with a kidnapping!?”

4) A resident walks passed my office, passing the receptionist and eventually wandering outside. When I realize he’s standing in the parking lot in his white tube socks I confront him. He then informs me that he’s going to In and Out Burger… With no money, just a walker and pair of white tube socks. Knowing this gentleman I know he’s not going to come back inside so I offer to take him over there so he doesn’t have to cross the extremely busy street out front. So, off we went.

5) The best one… We have a resident with severe dementia. You will have a conversation with her and five minutes later have the same conversation with her, this goes on all day. Well, one day I noticed she was continually asking the receptionist and any other person who happened to walk by if they had good vision and to come take a look at something across the street. Eventually I went to see what was going on and as I stood there with her she asked me to watch the people in aprons across the street. “They keep going behind the building and reappearing.” I stood there, watching, and indeed this was happening. “Look! Did you see that!? A hand went into the car! It’s a drug deal!” Trying not to laugh I said to her, “Honey, that’s In and Out Burger and those are employees taking orders and exchanging money for hamburgers.” Sadly, this continued for several days and the only way we could get her to leave the front door to go eat was to tell her we had reported the situation to the police. This too faded; eventually our Executive Director took her over there for a milkshake. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut