Dog Slop

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Aside from running errands I spent the bulk of my day worrying about my puppy. I try very hard to spend everyday with my puppy because I don’t want him to be alone. The truth is that’s one of the only reasons I regret going to college.

So, everyday I beg my grandfather to use his car, drive to pick up my puppy, lift him in the car and lift him out. The poor thing still thinks he can jump in and out of the car but when I’m not looking he slams into the bumper or falls, skidding his face against the concrete.

Last fall/winter he could walk down the street and around the park, now he can barely make it to my grandparent’s house. In February of this year he weighed about 76 pounds (slightly underweight), today he weighed a mere 65 pounds.

To make things worse he’s barely eaten in the last three days. My mom and I have tried everything: softening his dry food with warm water, feeding him canned food, mixing dry food and soft food together, you name it.

When I went to pick-up his prescriptions I told the woman at the front desk that he was losing weight and not eating, she suggested I “feed him anything he’ll eat.” She listed off a few things that were safe for dogs to eat and when I got home I made dog slop.

Yummy, breakfast slop.

Dinner slop.

I made two things, a breakfast slop consisting of oatmeal, peanut butter and a scrambled egg and dinner slop: rice, chicken broth, grilled chicken and green peas. I let him test both meals and he seemed to enjoy them. Hopefully, this will get him to eat because I want him to have a full belly and gain some weight.

Puppy, eating his dinner slop.  I don't think he likes the peas?

Finally, I took a trip to Cal-Ranch where I purchased a giant dog bed for my puppy, I’m sick of him lying on the hard floor. My puppy does not seem to be in pain, but I know he is, the plan is to keep him comfortable and happy for as long as possible.

My puppy!  On his new, ugly bed.

My life is lame and I just made it even more ridiculous by becoming my dogs personal chef.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

May Cause Nightmare's

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I had a fun sleeping pill experience…

I remember going to bed at a decent hour, watching “My Fair Wedding with David Tutera” and finishing my latest read (yes, I can read). I also remember getting really upset about how fat I am and trying really, really hard to sign up for Weight Watchers at 2AM, that’s it.

Then I had a nightmare… I was pregnant… With a girl.

I was visiting my friend Portia in Boise, Idaho when my water broke. I called my mother and asked her if I should call my brother and have the baby in Boise or if I should try and make it home so I could deliver the baby in the same town that I was born in. She wasn’t giving me an answer and it was really pissing me off.

I remember calling Mr. Coconut to tell him I was delivering his child and that he didn’t need to come because I didn’t like the way he parented his children, so I wanted him to stay away from mine… That’s not mean at all.

I also remember I was trying to bargain with my doctor to put the baby back in so it had more time to grow a wang and if that wasn’t possible, I wanted him to give me a different baby, a boy baby.

Finally, my grandmother found out I was having a baby and she was pissed. Apparently, I’m fat in my nightmares as well because my grandmother didn’t notice I was pregnant, she just thought I was fat.

This morning I woke up with no pants on, my computer on the living room floor (as if I just sat it down and walked away) and the house phone on my bedroom floor.

Fun times.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I wonder if I’m a Weight Watchers member?

Extreme Home Makeover

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It’s my turn to die.

When we first moved into our house we had lama’s living down the street from us, they were shot in the head. When I was in high school, a classmate of mine was ran over and killed at a party on the street next to mine. Years later, a little kid who lived on my street almost got hit by a car, lucky for him a young woman pushed him out of the way... A few weeks later she was stabbed to death in her house, four doors down from my house.

A few years ago I discovered that a kid, who would later stab one of his classmates to death, grew up across the street and a few doors down from me.

Recently, a guy I had a crush on growing up (he lived across the street from me) drown in a freak accident at a local reservoir.

Apparently, my street is cursed and I’m assuming I’m next to go. However, I think the hypocritical, trashy assholes living in the “train wreck,” that sits atop the land where the lama’s once roamed, are more qualified. Moving on…

I do not take Ambien, but I do take medication to help me fall/stay asleep and I’ll be honest it makes me a little loopy. For example, on Friday, I was irrigating at my mothers house when I leaned too close to the pump and burned my leg. To prevent scaring I’ve been putting Neosporin on my wound, but I can’t find anything to cover it with. Last night I discovered some maxi pads in my grandmother’s bathroom and I thought this would be the perfect band-aid, so I slapped one on and went to bed.

I remember doing this, but I’m not sure why I thought this was a great idea?

I’m currently working on two projects a practice cake for the fair and my nephews Halloween costume, neither is going well. I am not motivated, at all, to make this cake, but I know it’s necessary if I want to do well at the fair. Regarding the costume, here’s what I’ve learned… One, just because the company is called “simplicity,” doesn’t mean the pattern is simple and two, sewing clothes for children is tough, they’re so tiny. Regardless, I love, love, love my nephew’s to death, so it’s worth it.

Today my mom and I went to see the movie, “The Switch.” In my opinion it was super cute and it made me laugh, which rarely happens considering the movies coming out these days are crap.

After the movie mom and I went to TJ Maxx where I managed to pull myself away from the most amazing pair of black, thigh high, stiletto boots. Believe me when I tell you this is an accomplishment.

Back in the day my mom and I used to watch a number of TV shows together on Sunday night’s, none of which I remember except Extreme Home Makeover. In the beginning I loved this show, but then it got a little too cheesy for mom and I. Now, every time my mother sees the show she grunts with disgust and says, “ I can’t watch this show. That house is too big; they can’t afford to maintain that house! Who’s going to clean it?” Here’s where it gets interesting, it was recently announced that Extreme Home Makeover was coming to our town and apparently this is the biggest thing to happen in this town since the discovery of the potato, seriously. For several days the shows arrival has been the talk of the town, on the front page of the newspaper and the top story on the news. There’s even a bus for “spectators!”

For someone who hates the show my mother sure is interested in taking part in the festivities. One evening I received a text reading, “go take photos of the Extreme Makeover House.” On Friday I got a call from her, “Sauerkraut! There’s a bus that takes people to see the Extreme Makeover House! Do you want to go?” To which I replied, “you want me to take a bus to see a house?” Yesterday I received several phone calls from her informing me that “we need to do something.” I knew where she was going with this and I decided I would suck it up and go to the fucking house with her.

That's Paul DiMeo, part of the Extreme Home Makeover "design team," signing autographes and taking photos with the kids.

So, we took the stupid bus to the house, walked a block and a half (in the rain) and stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to watch a bunch of Smurfs (the volunteers wear blue t-shirts and white construction hats) scatter about building a house for a woman with too many kids. I will admit that the house is adorable.

Anyways, when we boarded the bus to go back to our car my mother said, “we should come back!” Fuck my life.

Finally, I’ve heard nothing from the fabric store regarding my training, so I’m wondering if they’re pulling a Victoria’s Secret. A “Victoria’s Secret” is when a company calls you, offers you a position with the company and then never contacts you again. Oh! And they ignore all efforts to make contact with them. So, they’re either going to pull a Victoria’s Secret or they are going to call me and want me to train this weekend… When I’m supposed to go camping.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I hate chocolate fountains.

P.P.S.  My pumpkins are doing well and getting bigger, joy!

"Meat Eater," By Ran Gogh

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My masterpiece is complete!

Last November my cousin and I ate at a burger joint in Chicago, Illinois called Kuma's Corner, which I highly recommend.

"The Kuma Burger" - Bacon, cheddar and a fried egg!

Not only did I eat the best burger of my life, seriously, the best, but I also fell in love with the following painting....

The painting was not for sale and even if it were I was too intimidated by the staff to ask and to broke to bargain. So, I snapped a photo and spent the last three days replicating it. I present to you...

"Meat Eater" by me, Ran Gogh.

I think I did okay?  Now it's on to the next project, a practice cake for the fair.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Ran Gogh

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I'm been working on my masterpiece for days now and I'm almost finished, I only have one thing left to do. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dear Diary...

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I have super rad news! After applying for tons of wonderful careers I have finally been offered, not one, but two jobs! The first is a part-time position at a local craft store. And the second is a babysitting job, I mean a “positive influence trainer.” As much as I’d love to spend everyday with my favorite two people, I fear Dweedle’s first word would be “fuck.” So, I will accept the job as a fabric cutter. A fabric cutter with a college degree, that’s me! Deep down my mother is beaming with pride.

More fun stuff! My uncle got pissed off and decided to clean my grandparent’s basement, scary!!! While doing so he found a box of my stuff, stuff I had completely forgotten about. The first awesome find was some awful art.

Ironic that I just finished posting about what an awful painter I am and then I find this beauty.    

What the fuck is this?  A cavity?

I'm guessing I had a crush on a Puerto Rican guy?  Again, no wonder I couldn't get a boyfriend.

I swear on my life I have tears in my eyes over this next "drawing," are you ready for it?  This my friends is a "drawing" of my best buddy, PDX, at our highschool prom...

Please don't hate me.

I have to...  Just to make PDX feel better, I also have a drawing of our old friend Jen-Bo...

I'm crying!  CRYING! 

The next, and best discovery was my diary from 1997. Here my friends, is an excerpt from my diary, complete with awful grammar, spelling and punctuation…

September 1st, 1996

Dear Diary,

Last night I had a dream I was in the back of Lelands truck. He had his arm around me and his hand on my bare hip. It was cold from the breeze but having his hand there I didn’t fell cold. Later in the dream we kissed. When I awoke I continued thinking about my dream I thought of Jordon instead of Leland who was in the dream with me. I know I have a huge crush on Jordon. But I’m not sure why, I never even notice him until Amanda reveled her crush on him. But even then I didn’t notice him. I first noticed him when she said he had a crush on me somehow I still don’t believe her. But I do.

Reason I think he does

- When we ran into each other Amanda said he look back to see who it was then whispered something to Kasey.

- We’ve stared at each other for long periods of time (about 3 or 4 times)

- Amanda said he glared at Brandon when he said he liked me.

Reasons he wouldn’t like me.

- Not popular

- Not that thin or pretty

- Why would he know who I was

- Could have been glareing cause it was rude!

- Amanda could of lied.

- I’m not smart

Of course I’m not sure why I like him! Is it because Amanda said he liked me and then a few things happened or do I really like him? I’m not sure I would really even go out with him because I almost would rather flirt forever. Everyday I think of him and think of all the visions I had of him. Of course I wouldn’t mind dancing with him at a school dance. But then people would probly tease him and say stuff like you danced with her… I don’t even know how to act around him. We’ve never spoke or anything. Bit I’ll keep thinking!

Yours,

Sauerkraut

There you have it, my teenage angst. A couple things come to mind…

1) I’m an idiot.

2) Was I having wet dreams at such a tender young age? Awkward.

3) His hand was on my “bare hip,” clearly I have a very dirty mind.

4) Did I steal Amanda’s crush? To this day I swear she had a crush on Casey, not Jordan? Maybe she did have a crush on Jordan and that’s why she’s not my number one fan, I’m a fucking home wrecker!

5) Sure he looked back to see who just ran into him. If I remember correctly this kid was skinny and I on the other hand, was built like a brick shit house, I probably dislocated his shoulder. Smooth, very smooth.

6) We “looked at each other, three or four times!” My classmates were already porking each other and I was “looking at boys,” what a loser.

7) I still would rather flirt with a guy, “forever” than go out with them.

8) At the end I say, “I’ll keep thinking…” About what? More wet dreams?

9) I guess I thought you had to be smart to get a guy, now I know better... All you need are huge tits and a Pikachu.

And finally, to cap off the evening, I fell on my ass. After teaching my private swim lesson I was walking toward the front desk when I slipped on some water. It hurt like hell, but not bad enough that I couldn’t sit on the ground for a moment, lower my head and mutter, “awesome.” Eventually, I got my fat ass up (which really protected some vital organs I might add), gathered my shit and scooted out the door passing an audience of people without fat asses to protect their vital organs. Now my hand, hip and ass are bruised, seriously and I’m having trouble breathing. Tomorrow I will wake up, forget about the fall, convince myself that somehow I became a paraplegic in my sleep (probably a result from a rambunctious wet dream) and call my mother in a panic.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Stay tuned for more excerpts from my diary!

Pow Wow's And Painting

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On Saturday I went to a pow wow with my mom and her friend, AKA “my aunt.” This is an annual pow wow and supposedly one of the biggest, if not the biggest in the Northwest. Although the event is open to the public it is very likely that we were the only white people there.

Regardless, I tend to love cultural activities so this was a fun outing for me. I spent the majority of my time searching for a bracelet that I saw last year (only $200! Probably because I’m white.) and lusting after the young “bucks.” Pretty sure I found five or six of my future husbands… Assuming they like horizontally challenged white girls with big teeth, over the intoxicating beautiful girls, with hypnotizing dance moves from their own tribe.

A blurry photo of one of my husbands.

In an effort to get on the pretty girls level, I’ve been practicing my dance moves, and I’m pretty sure I’ve made a few dents in my grandparents floor, oops.

Aside from the fine dirt invading my body and the feeling that I could be scalped at any moment for my ancestor’s despicable crimes on the native people, it was a pretty good time.

Number 470 was my favorite!  She was adorable, I wanted to take her home with me.  

That night I had a dream that PDX and I were on the run after stealing $5,000, which I’m sure we planned to spend on food and stupid shit at a local farmer’s market. While on the run we decided to shed our clothes at a ShopKo and hop into new disguises. Well we got caught… Because PDX was too slow in the dressing room and left behind her dirty underwear. A few things come to mind: of course PDX is my criminal sidekick. Yes, PDX is rather slow in dressing rooms. Why did we feel it was necessary to change our underwear? Of course PDX forgot something, she ALWAYS forgets something. Moving on…

I’m trying my hand at painting. I don’t know much about my father, but I know he’s an amazing painter; actually he’s an amazing artist in general. Clearly I didn’t get his talents because I have never been good at painting, but I’m giving it a shot.

A work in progress, to be continued...

About a year ago I was in a burger joint in Chicago, Illinois when I laid eyes on the most amazing piece of art. If I were rich I would have tried to purchase it, but I’m not so I took a photo and now I’m trying to recreate one for my self. If I ever get a place to call my own I plan to hang it in the kitchen.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Proper Gentlemen

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Two boys were riding their bikes past my grandparent’s house when I heard the following conversation…

“It’s not Heavenly Father! It’s DEAR Heavenly Father! Thank you for this meal to nourish and strengthen our bodies and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! It’s usually different every time. OH SHIT!”

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Getting Caught Up

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Late night posting, my favorite… You never know what I’m going to say. Maybe I’ll behave and maybe I won’t?

Couple things…

- My mother finally saved up enough money to put a shower in at her house, we haven’t had one since I lived in Escondido, California, that’s about 23 years ago.  Can you imagine? My uncle did the tile work and then it sat for about a month before I flipped out and decided I would take it upon myself to paint the fucking walls. I gave myself six days to complete this project. One day to paint the ceiling, another for the first coat of paint, a second coat of paint, a day to do nothing because I’m pissed off at the project, a day to do the trim and a day to put it all back together.  To make a long story short, I had to paint the fucking thing twice, but it got done and on schedule. Here’s her new bathroom...

- My puppy got sick one day, poor guy.

- I think I know one of these, just saying.

Read the bottom item 

- The dog killer. I went to a POW*MIA rally with my mom and on the way home a guy pulled up next to us on a Harley (big surprise). My mom told me she knew him and that he CUT OFF THE HEAD OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS DOG AND MAILED IT TO HER! I wanted so badly to ram my grandparents little RAV4 (with the handicap sign swinging in the rearview mirror) into him. Who does that kind of shit? Sick fuck hole.

- I’m having car troubles. First, I found out I need new strut mounts, whatever the fuck those things are? Then, when I was driving to Lava Hot Springs to teach swim lessons I got behind a gravel truck… A gravel truck that was shooting rocks onto the highway, big rocks! I tried everything to avoid this truck, I slowed down, I went fast, I went off the road (in a VW Beetle) and still my car got fucked up.

Yup, I took this while driving.

I got 23 tiny dings in my windshield (yes, I counted), 1 mondo ding and tons of tiny dings on the hood of my car, I was/am livid! But! Karma got this motherfucker… On the side of the road was a police officer checking out an abandon car, I’m assuming he got bombarded by rocks because when I was on the phone screaming to my mother I looked in my rear view mirror to see him getting pulled over. Tasty. Finally, I headed to Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday, before I left town I washed my car, stopped to see my mother and hit the road. Eleven miles later something fell off a car in front of me, then the car directly in front of me hit it, sending it flying toward my car. I hit it and some kind of vehicle fluid covered my car.

Also, taken while driving.

Awesome, fucking awesome. A giant tumbleweed blows a hole through my grill and its been down hill ever since.

- I went to see Chelsea Handler perform in Salt Lake City last Friday with friend I Heart To Fart. I love her, so much, but her show wasn’t worth $72 a ticket. P.S. I got ditched by fucking everyone that day, but I finally found a friend in my Hot-N-Ready Pizza. Apparently it was great because I woke up next to half of it wearing NOTHING but a t-shirt.

- While in Salt Lake City I went to Mini’s Cupcakes. I’ve heard good things about this place for a while so I thought I’d try it out, it sucked. You know a cupcake is bad when my fat ass won’t eat it. I tried two cupcakes, the vanilla cupcake with vanilla buttercream frosting and the red velvet cupcake (my favorite). Again, to make a long story short, I tossed them both out my car window.

- If you’ve ever wondered this is what your armpit looks like after you have laser hair removal, can you imagine getting that shit done on your Pikachu?

- Also in Salt Lake I went to a Samoan church, I knew three words.

- Mr. Coconut and I ate at a new restaurant (well, new to us) called Eggs in the City. I had the crepes (stuffed with Nutella and fresh berries, very PDX). I enjoyed them, but I think I’ll stick with my meat and potatoes. Rawr! Good for me for trying something new. Maybe I would have enjoyed my food more had I not been distracted by the fuck holes behind us talking about how drunk they were the night before? For fuck sake! Any person with half a mind can take one look at you and see that you’re a table full of wannabe, Jack Mormon, drunken whores, do you need to tell us in your fucking smoker voice? Blah.

- Today I mowed the lawn over at my moms house. Before I can mow I have to go around the yard and move shit out of the way, the hoses… Oh! Did I tell you guys that I ran over the neighbors hose a few weeks ago while chasing my dog through his yard? Well I did. I did the neighborly thing by leaving a note at his door with a chuck of hose. Luckily, he was cool about it. Moving on… So, while I was preparing to mow the lawn I started picking up my dogs poop and I found the most interesting shadoobie. I’ll admit I was fascinated by this one but I’m not sure why? Maybe I thought it was cute?

- A pumpkin update. My pumpkins are doing so well and it’s super exciting to watch them grow, but I don’t think they’ll be 600 lbs. by the time the fair rolls around in less than a month, boo. Now I have to figure out what to do with them… Don’t be surprised if you receive a smashed pumpkin pie in the mail this fall.

- I recently saw an article about ridiculous products parents purchase for their kids; here are a few of my favorites…

Deep down, I want these "plush pee and poo" pillows.  

Not gonna lie, I thought this "Daddle" was either a sex toy or a device to sexually abuse children.  Awkward.

This won't lead to your child getting the shit beat our of them in grade school, nope, not at all. 

And the award for the freakiest thing I've seen in awhile, a teddy bear made of a placenta.

- Thank you to the one fucking person who voted on the “What The Fuck Should I Do With Myself” poll. With your support I plan to become a clown car and stuff my cahootie with as many kids as I can fit.

- I ate at fucking Taco John’s twice this week! No wonder I’m horizontally challenged. Fuck my life… And fuck the number six.

Okay, you are caught up and I have soda breath, so I’m going to go brush my teeth and pass out watching my favorite show Ace of Cakes.  Boo!  It's a rerun.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  We're getting a Big Lots,  my grandmother calls it, "Big Box."

The Hunt Is Over!

Sauerkraut Here!

On my never ending search for a job I ran across these two gems...

I shall apply for both?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

More Incest

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With the permission of my brother and his main squeeze, I would like to date my nephews. Let me explain…. As a young girl I realized that chivalry is indeed dead, very dead. So, it has become my mission to teach my nephews how to be proper young whippersnappers.

Trust me when I say that my nephews will have no problem attracting the ladies, but when they, and more importantly their parents, decide it’s time to date, that’s where I step in.

Who wouldn't want to date this handsome cowboy?

Photo courtesy of Izzy's mother

I will take each of my nephews on two dates. The first will be practice and the second will be a test. For every act of chivalry they will be rewarded with a couple of bucks to be used toward their date, and I won’t go easy on them.

I will force them to do all of the chivalries guys used to do: dress appropriately, bring a gift (flowers), pick me up (even if they do nothing more than drive around the block), they will meet my parents (played by my brother and his girlfriend… And yes, my brother will have a gun, as any father with a daughter would), open the doors for me, discuss proper topics at the table, pay for the date, walk me to the door and avoid a kiss.

If they do kiss the girl on the first date I’ll jump out of the car their mother and I will be spying on them in and beat the shit out of them, in front of their date, who’s a slut for kissing on the first date. This is my plan and I think it’s good?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Fair Photos

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All right, I’m very, very nervous about today’s post. I was talking to my brother the other day and he asked that I post the photos I plan on entering into the fair on my blog.

Here’s why I’m nervous… I’m very competitive… In some areas. For example, if I were in a foot race and I lost; I wouldn’t give a shit, because it’s no secret that I’m a fat ass who HATES to run and/or do anything that creates a bead of perspiration.

However, I really enjoy taking photos and even though I’ve had NO training of any kind I enjoy being creative and I’d like to think I’m a decent photographer. So, when I think I’m decent at something and I lose, I turn into “Ursula.”

A nickname my mother gave me when a girl, who forgot her swim goggles, tore mine off my head and jumped into the water, leaving me to swim with none. Although, my relay was in last place I was so mad that I swam my ass off and won the race for my team. However, I was still pissed and I arose from the water like Ursula The Sea Witch in the movie The Little Mermaid and stomped off like a monster. Mom claims people were coming to congratulate me, but changed their minds when they saw the look of murder in my eyes.  There you have it, don’t take my fucking goggles. Moving on…

I’m also nervous because I’ve convinced myself that by revealing my photos to the world someone will see them and try to out do me, which will infuriate me and that’s when you will see a very evil side of Sauerkraut… Worse than Ursula.

Anyways, here they are:

Finally, I’m getting antsy, very antsy. It feels like something wonderful is happening to everyone around me and I’m wondering, when is it going to be my turn? I’m irritated that I’m unsuccessful, which means I’m a waste of space and that I don’t have a plan, I always have a plan! So, I feel very stagnant which bothers me, a lot! So, what do you think I should do next in life?

Cast your vote now at the bottom of the page!

That is all.

Sauerkraut