Izzy Goes To The Dentist

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Today is Izzy’s big day at the dentist. Apparently he’s in need of some major dental work because we were putting him to bed with milk in his sippy cup (Oops) and the little squirt wouldn’t stop grinding his teeth. Anyways, I just received a photo of him at the dentist office getting ready for his big day and he looks adorable!

Good luck buddy!

That is all.

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Working With Aadi

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Sheek Geek brought one of his dogs to work today, Ms. Aadi. 

I've given her the official tour and she’s meet lots of new friends, some with fur, and some without.  Currently I'm watching her while Sheek Geek works and it's so much fun to have a little dog on my lap... Even if I am having an allergic reaction.

Peace. Love. Aadi.

That is all.

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The "Purge Urge"

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Last night I had to pick up my apartment because apparently my slumlord is selling the property and an appraiser is coming over to do some estimates. I was notified yesterday that this would be happening and as the day went on I started to wonder if someone would be looking at all the apartments, or just mine? Maybe they asked me because they know I’m not as gross as their other tenants?

Anyways, as I was picking up my apartment last night I got the “purge urge” and I instantly wanted to get rid of ¾ of the shit in my house. I started with a piece of art that got broken in the move. I haven’t done anything with it because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to replace the glass or just get rid of the art all together.

"Barbershop" by Jacob Lawerence - an American painter who's primary influence was the shapes and colors of Harlem.  He's best known for his series that depicted the epic Great Migration of African Americans from the rural South to the urban North.

Eventually I decided to save the art (because it’s by one of my favorite artists, Jacob Lawrence) and toss the frame. As I was taking apart the frame I discovered that I had stuck a painting my father did way back before I was born behind the Jacob Lawrence print.

My father's painting.

I don’t know much about my father, but I know this, he is an amazing artist. He’s had no training whatsoever but he’s truly very talented and I’ve always been amazed at his natural talent. This particular watercolor is not really my style but I keep it because it’s a piece of him. I don’t have much from him in fact this painting is one of only two things I have of him, the other is this fish magnet he made for me when I was about 11. If you’ve ever seen it on my refrigerator and wondered why I had this old, cracking fish magnet, that’s why.

If you look closely you can see his finger prints in the clay. So, now I need to figure out what I’m going to do with this painting, obviously I want to keep it, I just don’t know what to do with it?

In other news, today was the first day since the holiday break that I woke up on time for work. It felt nice to take my time in the shower, do my hair, put a little concealer under my eyes and slowly gather my stuff. On my way to work I realized what I was wearing and while I’m fine with it, others might think it’s weird, I wish I gave a shit. I decided to wear my favorite hippie shirt, my favorite hat, the lion, and drive South on I-15 with Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle (one of the best CD's ever by the way) bumpin’ in the speakers. What’s with me? I’m truly a disaster.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

You Have A Package

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Part of my job is to accept delivers, today I got a delivery for a co-worker and this is the conversation that followed:

Sauerkraut: “Hey Anthony?”
Anthony: “Mm, hm.”

Sauerkraut: “You have a package downstairs. I don’t know who it’s from? It’s not a small package, but it’s not huge either. I mean it’s a nice sized package…”

Upon hearing bursts of laughter from the boys upstairs I realized what I was saying and I decided it would be an appropriate time to just hang up the phone.

I am awesome.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dirty Slut

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I’m not sure if I told you this yesterday, but my bedroom lights went out when I was trying to get ready for work, so I really did get ready in the dark. After work I went to the store to buy new ones and I saw HoBo! He was running and I wanted to stop the car and grab him, but it was cold and dark and I was not in the mood to chase a fucking cat.

When I got home I put my new bulbs in and it was like I had a whole new bedroom! I think I was living with one half-ass light bulb. Moving on… Because that was a really lame story and I’m not sure why I even shared that with you.

I was up all night with the screamers and it was not fun. I woke up with the BG’s and the next thing I knew I was tromping through my apartment to the bathroom. I’m no good at being sick, I sit there shivering with sweat dripping down my face and my body feels so weak that all I want to do is pass out on the floor with my pants around my ankles. Okay, I’m not going to lie, this happens every time.

When I thought I was done being sick I went back to bed but had to get up awhile later. I felt like I had lost 20 pounds as a result of being sick, but it magically it reappeared this morning when I tried to squeeze my fat ass into my pants. Sigh.

In other news, my nephew has a fungus. A fungus everyone thought was a birthmark. Unfortunately I’ve never noticed the fungus, which is surprising considering I’ve seen him naked more than I’ve seen him clothes. Should I be sharing this stuff? Apparently he got this fungus from a swimming pool/water park. I think it might be a result of him peeing in his bathwater, but every little kid does that, right? Do all little kids get a fungus? Some of us are predicting that it was from the time he kissed a girls butt at a water park. Regardless, I’m choosing to see the positive in the situation, let’s consider this his first lesson involving the opposite sex… Don’t get involved with a girl who will let you kiss her ass on the first encounter, because you might get a fungus. Dirty little slut.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Homesick

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Yesterday I spoke all about Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s cake and I never posted a photo, so here's a link to the photo... Because I couldn't figure out how to post it, blah.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-FSlFuGpgDl_l5eSyAMRIXEflHfieo5DwMeK0JbsLtmgv03inMTXJoroTU80WHjX0mfI6dIhpbAPntZtCD5ux8iyyUTa0ceDAHLNFR4-JnthG0PMAbRMpcBwvBdNZXkcGJEFgWMcyzE4V/s1600/DSC00517.JPG

Moving on… Ever since I got back from the holiday break I’ve had the hardest time getting out of bed. Waking up is normally not a problem, but getting out of bed is. My alarm goes off at 6:30AM, I push the snooze button (six times) and then at about 7:35AM I fly out of bed, bitch about how cold it is in my house and stagger into the shower. Here’s the thing, I love taking showers, love it. But! I hate, hate, hate getting my hair wet in the morning. By the time I get out of the shower I have about ten minutes to get ready before I need to be out the door. So, as you can imagine, I always look like shit.

Here’s something else that pisses me off… There’s this guy at my office who uses a dish everyday but for whatever reason he thinks it’s my job to clean up after him. Why can’t he just put his dirty shit in the fucking dishwasher!? I’ll tell you why, because he’s a fucking Mormon and he thinks that it’s a women’s job! Fucktard.

In other news, all of my W2’s have arrived and that means my cute little grandpa can do my taxes for me. Yes, I’m very spoiled. What are my plans for my tax returns? I’m getting my cahootie zapped! Fuck yes.

For whatever reason I’m feeling homesick, I miss my family and I miss my puppy. So, if the weather is good this weekend I think I’m going to try and take a quick trip home. Currently it’s snowing as if a whore with crabs was shaking her ass at the club. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Pink Like A Teenager

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Work sucked ass last week, I’m debating on if I should waste my time telling you all about it, or just tell you it sucked? Let’s just say I got my ass chewed, three times, by the CEO… Fuck my life. However, each time I was completely, one hundred percent, innocent. In other words, I got my ass reamed for no reason.

Friday night I ran a bunch of errands and then went home to make cake, lots and lots of cake! I forgot why I don’t do projects when I’m tired but I was reminded with Chickpea’s friend informed me that there was a fire inside my oven. Indeed, there was a fire inside my oven, complete with flames. Ha, ha.

Chickpeas friend got the bulk of the fire out by blowing on it, Chickpea was pretty much in panic mode the entire time and I was searching for cornstarch. It wasn’t until the next day that I remembered you use cornstarch for a grease fire… And this was not a grease fire. Sigh.

I spent my entire Saturday practicing Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s wedding cake. I wanted to make sure I could produce the cake they wanted before I told them I would do it, or rather before they decided they wanted me to make it for them. It turned out okay, but I’m confident the real one will be so much better, here’s why:

- I will not make the entire cake in one day.

- The cake will be much larger.

- I will not use a cake mix; the cake will be from scratch. Unless they liked the one from the box?

- I will be using better tasting fondant… In my opinion fondant never tastes good, but regardless the fondant I use next time will be flavored.

- The flowers will be real and all red.

- The stem will be thinner… I hate the stem!

- The leaves will also be thinner and more life like.

On Sunday Mr. Coconut and I went to the gym. Keep in mind this is the first time I’ve gone to the gym in years, seriously years. I was pretty pissed off the entire time, I swore a lot, said a bunch of foul and offensive stuff and debated whether or not to cry, I didn’t.

We left the gym early because Mr. Coconut didn’t want us to be so sore that he wouldn’t want to come back. Honestly, I thought this trip to the gym meant I was done for another six years. And the first thing I said when walked outside… “Does this mean I can eat now?”

When I got home I immediately showered, put on some warm/comfortable clothes and I couldn’t have been happier. Later in the day I thought it would be a great idea to attempt a backbend for the first time in years and not only did I hit my head on the floor I also hurt my back, I’m pretty sure I pulled a bunch of muscles. I also practiced my booty pop on the wall, I’m halfway there I just need to keep it going, I stop after about eight pops. Sigh, practice makes perfect.

Today was another jacked up day at work because without warning the sign company arrived to install our new lobby sign. At first I was excited but as soon as I saw the new sign I knew this was going to be mess. Now my new project is to fix the fucked up sign. In other boring news…

Today I was thinking about the first blog I ever created and it was so much more fun to read because I lashed out at everyone and everything. I could do that because no one read my fucking blog. In fact, I got pissed off that no one read my blog and I deleted it. So, now that I have three solid readers (holla!) I hold back a little, hence a boring blog. So, I’m no longer going to hold back. Here’s some fun stuff…

Last week my boss went to the gynecologist and apparently he told her she “had the vagina of a teenager, nice and pink.” She continued by telling me that it was because “nothing has poked around in there forever.” Sure I was a little weirded out that my boss was sharing this information with me but I tend to adore people who say mind-blowing shit, so I had to give her props… And I say a lot of foul shit myself.

About a week earlier I spent two and a half hours in her office listening to her bitch about her husband and how her marriage was failing. Honestly, it was good times. Moving on…

Let me tell you a little story, my neighbors downstairs have been fighting for two days and I’m loving every second of it. As soon as I hear yelling, I mute the TV, scurry to heating vent and press my face against it so hard that I’m left with an imprint on the side of my face… And don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing because you would. Currently, the chick put the dudes shit on the porch (next to the dirty diapers I hope) and I can’t wait for him to come pick it up. I’m predicting this, there will be a murder in my apartment complex or some make up sex. *Creeped out shiver* By the sex, not the murder.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I do not listen in on the neighbor’s sex.
P.P.S.  I just found out they're fighting because the dude doesn't think the baby is his.

Spiffy New Socks!

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I bought these socks around Christmas time, at Toys-R-Us of all places, and I completely forgot that I had them, until tonight. They came in a pack of three and none of them match, that’s the point. They’re by a company called LittleMissMatched and I really shouldn’t be telling you this because I was actually planning on getting these for several of you, fuck my life.  So, I think they're neat and that's the end of my post.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. HoBo was not at my door when I got home.

HoBo The Cat

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I got a cat.

About two weeks ago I was either pulling into my apartment complex or walking to my door when I saw a little black cat dash from my door, I thought this was weird because there was no reason for it to be there.

This morning when I opened my door to go to work I discovered a little, rain splattered cat at my door. “Hello,” I said. “What’s your name?” This time the cat did not run away when he saw me, instead he peered up at me with its piercing green eyes. I thought to myself, “A demon spawn cat, neat-o.” I asked him (I’m not sure if it’s a boy, but I prefer boys, so everything in my world is a boy) who he belonged to and he continued to stare at me.

I set down my stuff, rummaged in my refrigerator for some food and eventually decided some turkey lunch meat would be the best option. I fed the cat several pieces of lunch meat and eventually he came inside (not my goal, but that’s what happened). He munched down a few more pieces of lunch meat and then decided to pitter patter around my living room.

Despite the possibility of catching an STD I reached my hand out to pet him, he was very sweet and enjoyed the attention. Then I saw the look in his eyes... He wanted to jump on my couch with his muddy paws. I explained to him that I had to leave for work and that he was welcome to come back anytime, but now was not the time to get comfortable in my apartment. Clearly he didn’t want to leave because he just sat there looking at me. I gave him another piece of meat and pushed him gently out the door, shutting it behind us.

I’m not sure how this cat found me? Did the people living in my apartment before me feed him? Was this their pet and they just up and left him? Why out of all these apartments, did he choose mine?

Regardless, I’m excited to see if he comes back. I stole a can of tuna fish from my job and if he comes back I’m going to feed it to him. I’m also going to take him to the vet, get him washed (which he will hate), slap a collar on him and find him a good home, I just don’t think I can keep him, I’m allergic! Really allergic!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I named him HoBo.

Monday, Bloody Monday

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This morning I woke up and discovered that my toothpaste was missing. It wasn’t long before I realized that my favorite floor lump (I Heart To Fart) took it home with him. I later discovered that he knew he took it, but didn’t bother to warn me, he just laughed it off. Really, he laughed about it. Meanwhile I’m in my bathroom, rushing to get ready for work and debating if I should risk being late for work to stop and buy some, text Sheek Geek to bring me some from his house or try to make my own with baking soda and Listerine. Fuck my life. Luckily I found a mini tube of toothpaste in an old travel bag of mine that I never bothered to clean out.

In other news, when I finally got in the car to go to work I called Mr. Coconut to inform him that he left his phone charger at my house. His response? “Oh, can you bring it to me.” Um, no. I’m clearly on my way to work, could you get your shit together?

On my way to work I noticed a funny sound coming from the drivers side of my car. Worried, but unable to pull over because I was on the interstate and cars were up my ass I called my mom… Because moms can fix anything, even over the phone from miles and miles away. As I was talking to her I realized that nothing was wrong with my car, I’m just an idiot who shut her coat in the door… It was flapping in the wind, slapping the side of my car. Super, now I’m driving down the interstate trying to retrieve my sludge soaked coat from the asphalt.

Finally at work I began to settle in just in time for my co-worker to scream at the top of his lungs (very flamboyant). After I shit myself, I looked outside to see a giant dog running though the snow out front. Still asleep it took me a minute to realize that it was not a large dog, but a deer.

The day continued to get better when the FedEx guy arrived with 61 Mini Mac computers, none of which we ordered.

And to top it all off the tiniest truck in the world parked in front of my place of business with two interesting characters stuffed inside, one still enjoying his lunch. The next thing I know, one of them is standing at my desk trying to sell me steaks.

WTF?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Holiday Ketchup

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A few days before the holiday break my good buddy PDX flew into the Salt Lake City airport and hung around town before making the journey home to visit her family.

I Heart To Fart and I greeted her at the airport, I wore my oversized snowman pajamas and he wore his bunny costume, it was pretty spectacular and that night we presented her with the best Christmas gift ever, a new piggy bank for her car! If you don’t know, hers was stolen this past summer.

What could it be?

Piggy Bank View 1

Piggy Bank View 2

Yes PDX, there's Raisin Bran inside.

Anyways, I didn’t get to spend too much time with her, but I enjoyed every moment she was around. I can’t wait to see her again. Moving on…

I had a really nice holiday break and I really enjoyed spending time with my family, my dog and away from work, not that I hate my job, but a break from work is always nice. My favorite Christmas gift was probably a little sewing pattern my mom got me, but she also renewed my car registration and stuck the stickers in my stocking, that was pretty rad. As you know I got the chance to see my nephews and that was also super fun.

When Auntie Sauerkraut is around you get to wear your Elmo pj's to the store... And that's red/blue ring pop all over his face.

For New Years I went to dinner with some friends: Chickpea, Honeybee (a blast from the past), Sheek Geek, Tar-J and Mr. Coconut. Originally, 15 people were invited but to no surprise everyone ditched Chickpea and only a few of us showed up. I will admit that I was not feeling well that night and going to dinner took every ounce of energy I could muster up so it was no surprise that I was too pooped to party that night. I sat on the couch while the boys (Mr. Coconut and I Heart To Fart) wandered around my apartment, each preparing for their own parties. Around 11PM I was fast asleep… And very happy about it.

Oh! I almost forgot! My heat went out on New Year’s Eve and after being ignored for several very cold days/nights I finally drove down to the office and bitched. I now have heat, but it refuses to go above 66 degrees, so the battle continues.

On Thursday I went to the doctor for a number of reasons but mainly because I’ve been really dizzy for about a week and I was starting to get worried that I was going to be paralyzed. I’m not sure how I connected dizziness with paralyzation (is that a word), but I did. Moving on… I put my negative feelings toward doctor’s aside, sucked up the fact that this was going to cost me an arm and a leg (because my insurance doesn’t kick in until February) and I went to the doctor. Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection/pneumonia, joy! So now I’m on the “Z Pack” and the Flownase. Supposedly the “Z Pack” is magical and the Flonase is simply demonstrating how easy it is to snort cocaine. My mother says I’m lucky I’m not dead or in the hospital. I thought it was just a cold! A cold that’s lasted for 3 months, how was I supposed to know?

Yesterday my company had its first quarterly meeting of the year, this also happen to be my first quarterly meeting ever. Because I work for a smaller company we got to go out for breakfast instead of having everyone squish together in a tiny room to breathe in each other’s farts. I was super excited to go to breakfast because the place the CEO chose has really yummy honey bran muffins and I couldn’t wait to eat one. Anyways, apparently my company does an “Employee of the Quarter Award” instead of an Employee of the Month Award and this month there was a four-way tie and I was one of the winners! So was my good buddy Sheek Geek, so yip-pee for us. I’m not going to lie I was pretty freaking excited about this and I even called my mom to tell her I won a little certificate. But! Here’s the best part… Apparently when you win Employee of the quarter you also win $500! When I found this out I was hella fucking excited and I may have peed myself a little?

Today was my 90 day review and I did okay, but I need to work on “ignoring directives, however small or meaningless they seem to me, this is a behavior that needs to improve.” I got this comment because “there have been times when I have been directed to do something and chosen not to do it, such as logging my time to specific projects.” I also need to wear my headset; I call it my head gear. But I did receive a raise, not a huge raise, but a raise and for that I am grateful. Oh, and I am no longer just a receptionist, but an “office coordinator,” fancy.

That is all.

Sauerkraut