Sauerkraut here!
Okay, here we go, I’m going to try and write this post.
About a year ago I had a conversation with my mother regarding her bucket list. I don’t remember anything from the conversation except that she wanted to see Mount Rushmore someday. That night, or the next day, I can’t remember I started planning a trip to South Dakota. Honestly, I never thought I’d visit South Dakota because I assumed it was ugly and boring, I was wrong. So after lots of planning it was time for vacation…
Thursday was a long day, full of travel. My mom (who had no clue where she was going) and I woke up super early, left my puppy with my grandparents and headed for the Salt Lake Airport. Originally we were supposed to pick I Heart To Fart up at his parent’s house, but to no surprise he was running late. Mom and I arrived at Mr. Coconut’s house and his friend drove us to the airport, which pretty much scared the shit out of me, he sort of drove like my brother. Somehow we arrived at the airport with all body parts intact, but we were still waiting for I Heart To Fart, who decided it would be a great time to grab a bite to eat and stop by the bank.
When he got there we made our way through the airport to our gate and it wasn’t until we were boarding the plane that my mother realized we were headed to Minneapolis, Minnesota. “Minnesota! What the hell is in Minnesota?” I’ll be honest, I don’t remember much about the flight except that our flight attendant was Jerome. His fake eyelashes looked flawless and he referred to garbage as “disposables,” a new term I Heart To Fart has adopted.
When we got off the plane in Minnesota my mother was so paranoid that someone would take her luggage (because she didn’t have identification on it) that she wouldn’t shut the hell up about getting to the luggage claim. Little did she know, our travel was not over. After some lunch we waited for our tiny plane to arrive and take us to Rapid City, South Dakota. “South Dakota! What the hell is in South Dakota? Exclaimed my mother.”
When our plane landed in Rapid City I noticed my mother sneaking a few peaks at the photos of Mount Rushmore that decorated the walls of the airport. She had no clue that was the soul reason for our trip. We retrieved our luggage, got a rental car (a spiffy 2010 Dodge Avenger) and headed for our first hotel, the Howard Johnson.
We were supposed to attend Summer Nights, a local event in Downtown Rapid City offering “music, food and fun for the whole family,” but when we got to the hotel we were all pretty pooped… So we ended up eating Taco Bell in our hotel room.
The next morning I woke up bright and early to prepare for the day. I don’t know what it is, but I can never sleep in on vacations, I feel like I’m wasting my fun time. After stuffing my hands and cleavage with snacks from the free “Rise and Dine” breakfast the three of us headed to Cosmo’s Mystery Area, my pick.
I can’t really explain what’s going on at this place or how it works, but is was pretty bizarre. Honestly, it made me really sick and I questioned my safety for a few moments. In fact, I took my shoes off so I could grip the ground better… If I’m willing to take off my shoes in the outdoors, I’m worried for my safety. I do wish it weren’t so hot on the tour, it lasted longer and it wasn’t so crowed with people, mainly stupid annoying kids who thought they were cute and funny, but it was fun.
After Cosmo’s Mystery Area we made an impulsive stop at Bear Country USA. If you know me at all, you know I have this weird fascination with bears, I really want one. So, in my opinion, this was one of the best stops on the trip. At first we saw a bunch of nothing: elk, reindeer, goats and mountain lions, but just when I was starting to get pissed I saw bears! Lots and lots of bears! They were walking, swimming, eating and pooping! I loved every minute of it. Some of them even walked past our car and I wanted to roll down the window and touch one so badly! So, so badly.
This was my favorite bear, I liked his hair.
I also liked this bear, he is pooping.
After driving through the park we got out at Babyland and walked around looking at the different animals including baby bears. My goal was to try and schmooze the bear wrangler into letting me touch one of the bears, big or little I didn’t care. Just when the opportunity arose to talk to the lady, my mother called my name to point out the tiny bears in front of me.
I got a huge bear huge from this bear, he squeezed me so tight, I'm starting to think I was molested.
In my head I was thinking, “Yes, mom. I see the tiny bears playing right smack in front of me. But right now my concern is touching the tiny bears! My plan was to bribe the wrangler with the $91 I have in my pocket and now that I’ve missed my chance because of you calling me, I’ll will look at the tiny bears! Fuck!”
Could I look more awesome? I think not.
Back in Rapid City we attempted to ride the City View Trolley when he flew passed us without stopping. We tried to catch up, but never did considering I Heart To Fart flew passed the trolley, screeching into the parking lot of a Holiday Inn nearly rolling the car.
Not for a moment was I worried. One, because some may say I used to drive like this, and two, I’ve received many phone calls from I Heart To Fart while driving a rental car… In the background I could hear the wheels screeching across the pavement as he attempted to navigate his way around an unfamiliar city. My mother on the other hand, was probably wishing she had a pack of cigarettes at the moment.
FYI… Had I been the one driving, I would not have gotten away with that. My mother would have flipped out, reprimanded me with her scary, shaky eyes and burned me with a cigarette… Before snatching the keys away from me.
We did however find Storybook Island and I’ll admit, it was fucking stupid.
After that disaster we headed to our campground, picking up a blanket for I Heart To Fart and some snacks along the way. Of all the wonderful campgrounds surrounding us, we chose to stay at The Flintstones Campground, no surprise there. Just to mess with my mom I Heart To Fart and I started acting like we had forgotten a tent to sleep in, she was pissed. In reality I had reserved a cabin one year in advance.
I must admit I was a little disappointed to discover that out cabin didn’t look like a Flintstone House because the pictures made me think it did. However, our cabin was adorable.
After getting settled in we played a quick game of mini golf, I lost... by a fucking ton and then we ate breakfast/lunch/dinner in a nearby town.
We spent Saturday in Custer State Park. We started our journey on Needles Highway, visiting Iron Mountain Road, Mount Rushmore National Memorial and the Crazy Horse Memorial.
Is it me, or does this rock remind you of a vagina?
There was a point on Needles Highway that I can’t really explain… It’s one of those, you have to see it for yourself type of a things, but it was really neat. Basically we were high up on a mountain, incased by tall, thin rocks that looked like Needles and the only way out was a tunnel carved from rock. It was a really neat stop and I Heart To Farts favorite… I think?
When we arrived at Mount Rushmore I could tell my mom was excited and the plan was to give her all the time in the world to look at whatever she wanted. I’ll admit it wasn’t much more than a giant rock, but knowing that I was seeing something so historical in person, was pretty cool.
Teddy Roosevelt! Fun!
We took the Presidential Trial around the venue and it wasn’t until the end of the hike that I understood why they classified it as “strenuous.” Here’s the thing, it was strenuous in a “this is a physically hard” kind of way, but rather a “if I walk any fucking faster in this shity heat, I’m going to sweat and the whole fucking party will be over!”
This is a photo of I Heart To Fart "photo crashing" a group photo, he's on the far right.
Near the end of the hike my mom, who was ahead of me, turned around and said, “Sauerkraut! What does that sign say?” Confused I looked at the sign, I saw nothing of importance. Then my dear mother chimed in “food! It says food, now lets go.” Wow! Did my mother just imply that I’m a fat ass who can be easily bribed by food? Yes, yes she did… And it worked. When we got to the top, my mom bought me ice cream… And it was really good.
Perhaps this could be a new method of birth control for Mormons? Just pile some of your kids in the back of your mini van, leave the door open and let one of them fall out as you wind your way through the forest. Neat.
After Mount Rushmore we headed to the Crazy Horse Memorial. Here’s the thing, I understand and respect that there’s a lot of history there, but I forgot that it wasn’t finished and I was pretty pissed when they charged us $27 to look at a hole in a rock that I could have seen from the road.
Oh! I just remembered! I never ate my Buffalo Wasna! I shall eat it now…
- My grandfather refused to eat the Tatanka Wasna, pushing it away, because I wouldn't tell him what it was.
- My grandmother said it tasted like chocolate.
- I ran to the sink and spit it out.
- My grandmother’s dog, Falkor, ate a ton of it
- I sprinkled some in Lucifur’s food, so we'll see if he eats it.
On our way back to the cabin we stopped at a random store on the side of the road. Perhaps the best part was the donkey who roamed freely within the store.
Look! It's the ass of an ass.
Creepy.
We spent the rest of the evening in our adorable cabin eating pie from the Purple Pie Place… Don’t go there. The building is cute, but the pie, once I got mine (they forgot about me), was not good and they gave me the wrong ice cream… And it was grainy.
Sunday morning we drove to Deadwood, South Dakota, probably my favorite stop of the vacation. For some weird reason I’m really into the old west? We stayed at the AmericInn, which I believe was decorated with geriatrics in mind. The rooms were draped in nasty rose, ivory and gold décor and there was a casino downstairs… Gross.
While I Heart To Fart took a nap my mom and I went to Broken Boot Gold Mine. Originally I planned on taking a tour of the mine and panning for gold, but when I got there I changed my mind, here’s why... I toured a mine last year in Wallace, Idaho. While it was fun, I don’t think I need to do it more than once because I would imagine they’re all pretty similar. I didn’t pan for gold because it didn’t feel authentic enough. In my mind I imagined standing in a freezing cold creek searching for gold in a tin dish. When I noticed people, mostly kids, were walking toward a trough with a Ziploc bag full of little rocks and a rubber pan, I lost my excitement.
When mom and I arrived back at the hotel, I shall call it the Geriatric Palace, I woke up I Heart To Fart and together, the three of us walked up to Saloon No. 10, this is where Wild Bill Hickok was shoot and killed. Actually, he was killed at the original Saloon No. 10 just down the road.
Anyways, it was a pretty cool little bar, the floors were covered in sawdust and the walls were littered with photos of the old west. We watched a reenactment of the shooting of Wild Bill, which was cool, but earlier in our vacation I Heart To Fart and I had a conversation about guys wearing basketball shorts. I Heart To Fart hates this because he says he can see a guys junk flopping around in their shorts and which side his junk hangs to. With this in mind, I noticed that the Wild Bill reenactor hangs to the right. I’m sorry for violating you with my eyes Wild Bill reenactor guy.
After the reenactment we rushed outside to try and catch some of the 4th of July parade, both the reenactment and the parade started at the same time. I’m actually really bummed that we missed the parade, catching only two “floats.” The first float was two young kids on motorbikes zooming up a ramp attached to a Rustinator truck; the other was Smokey the Bear.
We caught the last tour of Deadwood shortly after the parade and spent the next hour learning about the town and visiting the graves of Wild Bill, Calamity Jane and Potato Creek Johnny (he discovered one of the largest gold nuggets ever panned in the Black Hills). It doesn’t matter how stupid a historical tour is, I usually enjoy them. Good fuck! I’m a geriatric!
After the tour we headed back to the Geriatric Palace, stopping for black licorice ice cream and a quick peak at Nelson’s Garage and Motorcycle Museum, which I was less than impressed by… I thought there would be way more cars.
Back at the Geriatric Palace, I Heart To Fart and I jumped in the car and went back to the Mt. Moriah Cemetery; apparently we didn’t get enough time among the dead. It was a pretty cool cemetery…
Many (about 3,400) were buried at Mt. Moriah or at its predecessor, the Ingleside Cemetery. The area of the Ingleside Cemetery is presently a residential section of Deadwood. Many buried in this old cemetery were later exhumed and reburied in Mt. Moriah. However, some were not and even today residents enlarging their homes or digging for other reasons may unearth remains from the old cemetery.
Mt. Moriah has many sections including three Potter’s Fields (A place for the burial of unknown or indigent people.)
Here’s a few interesting things… The rich/prominent citizens were only buried 18” under ground. The poor? Well, that’s your guess. However, the cemetery does not perform maintance on the potters field because… Well, I’ll leave that up to you as well. Also, years ago the cemetery was in very poor condition and the water had eroded the hillside exposing many remains/coffins. Since, the staff has worked very hard to rebury them by pooring cement slabs, nice.
While there I Heart To Fart took a cigarette off of Will Bills grave and smoked it. At first we debated if this act was disrespectful or if it was a way for Will Bill to live vicariously through I Heart To Fart, we choose the later. However, to be respectful we decided I Heart To Fart should smoke the cigarette at Wild Bill’s grave, smoke the entire cigarette and put it in the gutter so that when it desinagrated Will Bill could remain in Deadwood… Hopefully that’s where he wants to be. I’ll keep you updated on I Heart To Farts luck. Either he will win the lottery or he’ll get shot in the back of the head.
On our way back to the Geriatric Palace I Heart To Fart and I drove around the tiny town (population 1,860) admiring the adorable houses before picking my mom up for the firework display in Lead, South Dakota… We were supposed to watch the fireworks at Mount Rushmore but I found out, just before our trip, that a Mountain Pine Beetle infestation created a fire hazard, so they canceled the firework display, super.
That night, the three of us sat under the stars in our blankets, among a shit ton of locals and tourists, watching the fireworks though a lamppost. It was the best lamppost firework display I’ve ever seen, thanks Mr. Lamppost. Oh! And thanks for turning off right after the fireworks ended.
After the lamppost firework display we headed back to Deadwood in search of food, it took us awhile, but we finally found a Taco Johns. Back at the Geriatric Palace we scarfed down our late dinner and passed out, at least I did.
Monday morning we woke up early, drove to Sturgis, South Dakota and walked the infamous Main Street, this stop was for my mother. My mother has had several opportunities to go to Sturgis, but for whatever reason never went. Well, now she can say she’s been there… Sure she arrived a month early in a 2010 Dodge Avenger with two kids, but those are just minor details. I tired to convince her to buy a t-shirts so she could look cool, but she just wasn’t having it.
Sturgis is hard core... Two old men, one on a scooter. Woot, woot!
"Sinky loves Pumpkin forever." Word.
After a brief walk down the skid mark they call Main Street we headed to the airport. I like the Rapid City Airport, it takes about 3 minutes to return your rental car, check-in, go through security and find your gate.
On the plane I wasn’t feeling too well, I think it was the awful breakfast buffet we ate at the hotel, but the turbulence was really fucking with my head making me dizzy and disoriented.
Once on land I Heart To Fart caught the shuttle to long-term parking and Mr. Coconut picked mom and I up. It was a long drive home, only because I was antsy to see my dog and hole up in my bedroom, which I’m doing now, but overall I think I did a pretty good job planning the trip. To my knowledge, everyone had an enjoyable time, not a wild time, but an enjoyable time. It felt good to take my mom on vacation, something she rarely does and cross a few items off her bucket list.
This Friday my favorite little guy will be turning two and his birthday celebration is on Saturday. As you know, I’m making the cake and that means I’m a huge lump of stress, already. If you don’t remember I will be making a cake that resembles a dump truck along with 19 cupcakes for the other children.
So, that it. Yup.
That is all.
Sauerkraut
P.S. I heard two random things today while teaching swim lessons...
- I was in the pool when I asked a little girl to do the backstroke, I could tell she was hesitant so I reminded her that I would be there with her. That’s when she told me, “she was fat and needed to lose weight.” I was shocked! I can’t believe I just had a 7-year-old girl tell me she was fat! I snapped back at her saying, “absolutely not! You’re not fat, don’t ever say that.” A few moments later she responded, “seriously, I need to lose weight.” Again I told her she was “perfect the way she was” and urged her to begin her backstroke. I was so sad for this little girl, where did she get the idea that she was fat? Can you imagine being self conscious about your tiny body at 7 years old? What the fuck is wrong with this society. Okay, what isn’t wrong with this society?
- On a happier note… I had a little boy ask me what time his swim lesson was over. When I told him it ended at 6PM he said, “Dang it! I’m going to miss part of my SpongeBob.” I thought that was awesome.
