Happy Thanksgiving

Sauerkraut Here!

I arrived home late last night and I stayed up even later making a pumpkin roll and a pumpkin cheesecake for tonight’s feast.

4 degrees outside... Fuck my life.

This morning I felt like shit. I sat in my room, dressed in sweatpants (big surprise) and my grandmother’s sweatshirt. My hair is tall and crazy and my allergies are on overdrive. I tried to convince myself to work on an important project that’s due in January, but instead I made toast. Actually, I made some toast, forgot about it, remembered it 30 minutes later and as I was eating it, my dog farted. Neat.

Now it’s about 6PM and I’m exhausted. For the past eight hours I’ve done nothing but cleaning. First I cleaned my grandparents bedroom, my grandmother wanted it turned around so “she could fall out of bed easier.” Then I helped her sort some crap for the yard sale, washed her bedding, curtains, clothes, etc. I put her room back together, hung the curtains and did a bunch of other crap, like emptying the garbage.

Around 4PM we ate dinner, yes 4PM. Afterward I did the dishes, prepared dessert, ate dessert and did some more dishes. Then I cleaned the kitchen, checked the laundry and now I’m hear, with you.

Here's some dumb shit for you to read:

- This morning I saw the ad for Fred Myer's Annual Sock Sale.  Everytime I see this ad I think about PDX's grandma.  Each Black Friday you can guarantee her grandmother will be there fishing through the giant cardboard boxes for a set of socks for every one of her grandkids.  On several accounts PDX and I have been there in search of our own treasure's when I hear PDX say, "Oh, there's my grandma."  We always stop to say hello but her grandmother is so focused on the socks that the conversation is pretty short.  It's kind of hard to carry out a conversation with a tiny women burried up to her arms in socks.          
- I found the corsage my grandmother wore at my cousins wedding (in October) in the refrigerator today, it was moldy.

- When I brought the vacuum upstairs my grandmother asked me, “What’s that!?”

- I asked my grandfather to please clean the cat box because today when I was vacuuming I unknowingly sucked up a cat turd.  I only found out because a chunk of it broke off and went flying across the basement.  When I peaked around to see where it came from I noticed there was cat shit lurping out of the litter box.  Really, it looked like the cat just couldn't make it to the box in time.  Even worse, I had to change the vacuum bag because everytime I turned on the vacuum it would heat the turd up and stink up the room.  Fun times.         

- Grandma ate Thanksgiving dinner in a patio chair.

- When asked where the cranberry sauce was my grandfather went to the pantry, grabbed a can of cranberry sauce, turned it over in a bowl, pounding it with an old fashioned can opener and plopped it on the table.

Something’s been bothering me… On Thursday my boss handed me a bag of crafting supplies: florescent puffballs, pipe cleaners, sheets of foam, eyeballs and some other crap.

I’ve been put in charge of a bunch of fucking Christmas shit at work and one of my internal projects is to set up/decorate the fucking Christmas tree. I take a lot of pride in my work and this year I’ve decided I’m going to decorate the entire tree in octopi, our company mascot. Originally I envisioned a magnificent tree similar to those you see pictured in magazines, but now I’m envisioning a monstrosity that will have my co-workers and more importantly my CEO wondering why I let a group of crack babies decorate the company Christmas tree.

My boss would like me to make lots of little florescent puffball octopi ornaments with pipe cleaner legs for the tree. I’m so annoyed by this that I no longer want any part of this project. The problem is, I have to do it. So, what do I do? Do I piss of my boss or look like a fucking idiot in front of the CEO?

Another thing… My boss had me order stuffed octopi for the Christmas party. She wants me to place one in the center of each table. Whom ever finds a sticker under their plate wins the stuffed octopi. Here’s the best part, we’re dining at a 5 star, $50 a plate (min) restaurant. Classy, real fucking classy.

Hold please...

Just got off the phone with my brother, apparently my nephew’s babysitter (ex babysitter now) is a crack head, with a taste for meth, that’s exactly who I want around my growing boys.

Not only could her antics have landed my nephews parents in jail/prison, but also it could have harmed them, my babies. I’m pretty sure the residue is bad for them; I don’t want them raised in that environment and you never know when an angry drug dealer is going to shoot up the house. I’m pissed! Really, really pissed! The kind of pissed that makes you want to gut someone like the animal they are. On that note, bring on the fucking holiday season!

Happy Thanksgiving bitches!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

New Week Better Mood

Sauerkraut Here!

Apparently I left my phone in my car when I got home from work on Friday. Because it never rings I didn’t notice for a few hours, but to my surprise I had a few missed calls from the Neighbor Girl. When I checked my voicemail I had a message from my nephew, he was giggling… The entire time.

I also got a call from PDX. I honestly can’t remember what we talked about, but our conversation was just what I needed to cheer me up, I freaking miss that girl.

Later in the evening, around 10:30 I got a call from my brother. When I answered my brother said, “Hey! There’s somebody here who wants to talk to you.” Apparently, my nephew really wanted to talk to me that night, I’m flattered. I could hear Izzy giggling in the background and after some coaxing from his parents he screeched into the phone, “My Dragon!” If you don’t know he’s referring to his new puppy, he named it Dragon. I’m guessing he’s been watching “How to Train your Dragon,” but I still find the name rather precious. After some more coaxing from his parents he informed me that his puppy was “Black!” And that he was done with the conversation, “Bye!”

Dragon

My crazy little nephew, sigh.

Speaking of little kids, I hung out with Mr. Coconut this weekend and he had his youngest daughter, she’s three. I have to admit she’s pretty cute and you can’t help but smile when she tells you “your phone is beautiful.”

So… for the past two days I’ve been hearing all these crazy rumors about a huge snowstorm headed our way. Here are my thoughts:

1) Is there really going to be a storm?

2) Is the storm really going to hit today? Or is it going to wait until tomorrow when I plan to drive home for Thanksgiving? Weather reports are always wrong.

3) No storm will ever compare to the one I experienced in college. I believe it was in 2002? I can’t remember how many inches we got (I Heart To Fart probably knows, he’s a geek when it comes to this kind of crap) but I remember they closed the university for the first time in over 100 years. I also remember standing in snow so deep it reached my belly button and walking to class in tunnels. Seriously, you couldn’t see anything to your side, only what was in front of you and behind you.

4) Fuck… I don’t want to wreck another bug.

I was sent home early from work today and I’ve spent the evening picking up my house, doing laundry and packing for my trip home for the holiday.

My brother invited me to spend the holiday with him. I’m touched by the invitation and I’d love to squeeze my nephews, but the other half of my family would be sad if I weren’t with them, specifically my grandmother.

What else:

- I went to Walmart* with Mr. Coconut this weekend.  Not only did I get an STD from my time in the store but I also saw an old roommate of mine... The one who accused me of "threatening her life with a remote control."  When I told Mr. Coconut he said, "Are you going to go say hi?"   

- Last night I barfed… Mac-N-Cheese and frosting. Yummy.

- I got chewed out for “barging” into the CEO’s office today. That was neat.

- Mom and I got my dog from the pound; he was scheduled to die that afternoon. I guess the pound posted an ad in the newspaper in an effort to adopt him out before killing him and somehow my mom got a hold of a copy. Tonight I found that photo and my tiny heart melted, I miss my puppy SO much.

- My grandmother just called to tell me there was a blizzard in my hometown and that I need to turn on my lights and wear my seatbelt.  Also, "she's looking forward ot my visit... She hasn't seen me in two weeks!"  She makes me laugh.   

That is all.

Sauerkraut

TGIF

Sauerkraut Here!

If I drank tonight would be one of those nights were I’d drink far too much and spend the remainder of my weekend hung over.

I was upset by a conversation Mr. Coconut and I had last night and around 9 o’clock, while Mr. Coconut was snoring in the bedroom, I snuck outside to call my mom. We had a good conversation but I woke up today in a daze, only one thing was on mind, Number 10.

At lunch I found myself revealing far too much about myself and my relationship with Mr. Coconut to a co-worker. I make a really conscious effort not to talk to people at work about my life but today was one of those days when I just needed to get some shit off my chest. So, because I’m a loser, with no one to talk to, I took solace in my co-worker. Now, I’m waiting for everything I said to come back and bite me in my ass.

Somewhere in the middle of my day I was called into my boss’s office and asked to close the door. I sat there while she spent 3-4 minutes chewing my ass for “barging into her office during a heated conversation.” I sat there, fighting back my urge to smile. For fuck sake! I’m almost 30 years old, I’m a fucking receptionist (with a college degree) earning $12 an hour and I’m being chewed out as if I were a toddler.

The reality is, she was getting her ass chewed by the CEO and she took it out on me… For something I really didn’t do. Furthermore, I don’t give tow shits. Here’s an idea, why don’t you chew me out when I do something really wrong, like set the kitchen on fire. Don’t get after me for leaving the word “chicken” out of an email, forgetting to turn on a fucking dishwasher or “barging into an office during a heated conversation.”

I’m annoyed.

I hate to admit this, but later in the afternoon I found myself snooping around the Internet for information on my father. I frequent the same sites, I take a peak at a particular photo and listen to an audio clip from an interview he did with a local newspaper, just to hear his voice. There’s something so comforting about his raspy. For a brief moment I consider contacting him but reality always pulls me back.

Toward the end of the day I’d eaten everything in my path in an effort to console my emotions. By the end of the day I wanted nothing more than to hole myself up in my funny smelling apartment and watch movies, so that’s my plan.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Fuck spelling and grammar.

Lame Crap

Sauerkraut Here!

My neighbors aren’t trashy at all.

Garbage and washers, and blooming trees in November, oh my!

I really love the dirty diapers under the tree.

And here’s a photo of my fucked up arm.  If you look closely you can see the bruises.  It still hurts, boo.

 
That is all.
 
Sauerkraut

Fun Little Weekend

Sauerkraut Here!

When I got off work Thursday night I drove to the cable company to pick up some equipment for my house, I spent the rest of the night (three hours) hooking up cable and wireless internet. When I was done I felt pretty awesome that I had gotten everything set up by myself, with no help from anyone. Now I just have to figure out a way to hide all of these cords, I HATE cords.

I kicked off my weekend by attempting to bake cupcakes and cake for Mr. Coconut’s birthday celebration on Saturday. To no surprise, I got really tired and I fell asleep.

On Saturday, I woke up around 6:30AM to finish making the cupcakes/cake for Mr. Coconut’s birthday. But before I could start baking I had to go buy more cake mix and some eggs. My drive to/from the store was nice and my shopping experience was pretty good as well. Very few people were out and about so the roads were clear of traffic and the store was empty, minus the Smith’s employee who was telling his co-worker how “good he was feeling because he got laid the night before.”

When I got home from the grocery store I went to work and a few hours later, my masterpiece/s were finished.

Cream filled boobie cupcakes!  P.S.  I don't discriminate, there's brown boobs too!

Saturday evening I headed to the party store to pick up some balloons. I couldn’t decide what to get and that’s when I saw a giant 36” balloon, perfect for a Samoan. After I paid $16 for the fucking balloon I stuffed it in tiny car and slowly made my way to the party location. The entire drive I was terrified the balloon would pop causing me not only to crash my car but lose my hearing.

The Samoan balloon.

After getting things set up at the event location I had to go pick up Mr. Coconut. I didn’t tell him where we were having dinner, so just to fool him I drove past our exit, faked a turn into Golden Corral and pulled into some random brewery place. When we pulled into the brewery place I could tell he was less than excited about the place I had chosen, so he was really happy when I flew out of the parking lot, across five lanes of traffic and into the Hooters parking lot.

Once inside the restaurant I worried none of his friends would show up for the party, but it wasn’t long before people (some of whom I’ve never seen in my life) started to wander in. In fact! Of the eight people I invited, all of them showed up… Plus 14 others.

Mr. Coconut with his birthday gift.

It took forever for the food to get out and when it did it was awful. Regardless, the guys ate it so fast I was rushing the girls to bring out the cake before everyone bolted; luckily, they made it just in time. We sang the birthday song, my cupcakes/cake were a hit, took a group photo (with those who were still there) and that was it, party over.

Mr. Coconut loved his cake, he called me the next day, "Oh, babe!  I ate my cake, it's good."

"One of these things is not like the other..."

After dinner I dropped some stuff off at Mr. Coconut’s house and headed home for about an hour’s worth of dishes.

On Sunday I forced myself to go shopping for work clothes and it was awful. One, I didn’t feel like shopping. Two, I don’t get excited about work clothes. And three, I think I spent more time bent over in the mirror gasping at how disgusting I’ve become than actually shopping.

On Thursday, I made the mistake of walking past a full length mirror that hangs in my bedroom. I knew I was looking pretty awful these days, but when I saw my profile reflection, I was horrified!!! What the fuck have I done to myself!? I know I’ve had about a decade’s worth of rough years, but this is ridiculous. I need to lose weight and here’s why:

1) I don’t feel healthy… And I’m really starting to fear Diabetes, which runs rampant in my family.

2) I refuse to spend the last year of my 20’s and enter my 30’s (yikes) as a fat ass.
3) I want to have the energy and endurance to look after/play with my nephews.

4) I do not want to attend my brother’s wedding as a fat ass.

Also on Sunday, good friend I Heart To Fart came to do his chores at my house.

The best part is, rap music is booming from the radio.  So gangsta.

First we went to go pick up my new guest bed (courtesy of Sheek Geek), then we went to IKEA where I got a few stares (thanks to my birthday gift from I Heart To Fart, which I will blog about later), ate some meatballs and fell into the bedding display. P.S. My arm is scratched, bruised and killing me. Oh and my back is bruised. Then he fixed my Brita, hung some shelves in my kitchen and helped me drag a mattress through the rain and stuff it into a random storage shed for a cat to give birth in. Come spring there will be kittens everywhere!

Now I’m back to work, blah.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dumb Shit

Sauerkraut Here

When I arrived at work this morning I snuck a “fun sized” 3 Musketeers from the candy bowl that was conveniently placed right in front of my fat ass. I already felt guilty eating a mini candy bar for breakfast, but I felt even worse when I opened it to discover that half of it was missing. I’m pretty sure I got a “bite sized” 3 Musketeers, packaged in a “fun sized” wrapper. I felt the universe was trying to tell me something, to which I replied, “Fuck you!” Not only did I eat the bite sized 3 Musketeers, but I also ate the fun sized version I used to photograph the size difference.

Currently my place of business is interviewing for a Systems Administrator. So far we’ve scheduled nine interviews, three of which didn’t bother to show, ironically they were all scheduled at 10AM and of the six that did show up, three had lazy eyes. As I sit here, staring at my computer screen, I can’t help but wonder… Do lazy eyes come with the job? Have these guys stared at the computer screen so much that they’re eyes have gone lazy? Blogger Buddies… If I get a lazy eye, please love me.

Finally, here’s a rare photo, it’s my hair… In its “natural” form, I prefer to call it my lion’s mane or my rat’s nest. Where’d the curls come from? Well, both my mother and father have curly hair, but different types, if that makes sense? Anyways, I have my father’s curls.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Best Birthday Gift Ever!

Sauerkraut Here!

I knew there was a package headed my way and I’ve been so excited to receive it. I just checked the mail here at work and there it was, an envelope addressed to me from “Izzy and Dweedle.” Inside I found this…

It's a magnet!

THIS is the stuff I love! Nothing makes me happier than a mental image of The Neighbor Girl trying to wrangle my wild nephews (Dweedle’s not too wild… yet) long enough to make Auntie Sauerkraut a birthday gift. Receiving this little homemade creation in the mail made my day and I will treasure it for a very long time. THIS, is just one of the many joys I’ve discovered as an auntie and I look forward to many more. Best gift ever.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I’m showing it off to my co-workers.

Number Ten

Sauerkraut Here!

Here’s the thing, I haven’t forgotten about my blog, I just don’t have anything to write about. Why? Because I moved to Utah.

The morning I left for Utah I was with my mom at her job and we were reading an email featuring a huge list of quotes. My mom thought number eleven was rather funny, but it was number ten that caught my eye, “Bad decisions make great stories.”

For the past few weeks I think about number ten far too often. Something inside me is telling me I’ve made the wrong decision. Why on Earth did I move back to Utah? I’ve already spent far too many years in this state, my job and my apartment aren’t something that I couldn’t find elsewhere and to top it all off, I’m back to being alone. I don’t mind being alone, but it’s always nice to have some good company.

According to the card reader I met with on Halloween, “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing.” If that’s the case, why do I feel so bad about my decision? I should be in Idaho taking care of my grandparents, doing errands for my mom and spending time with my decrepit dog. Not to mention I miss my nephews, which is awful for a chick who hates kids, but it’s true! I feel like I’m missing so many special moments in their life and I just want to be with them, see them and squish them!

Instead I wake up (when it’s still dark outside), go to a job that isn’t awful it just doesn’t pay too well, and come home (in the dark), to an empty apartment… That I still have not unpacked. FYI This is the first time I’ve moved and not had everything in my apartment unpacked and set up by the end of the day.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m still waiting for my “bad decision” to provide me with some “great stories” to share with you. Sigh. Be strong my friends, “if I build it, they will come.”

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. On my way home from Idaho last weekend I stopped in Logan, Utah to see I Heart To Fart. He treated me to the perfect meal from McDonalds (I’m really impressed he knew what to order) and I watched him wash his stinky dog, “Buddy.”

P.P.S. Was I wrong to think that I was moving into an apartment that was clean? Apparently so.

Some water from the carpet cleaner.

This is what I found underneath my stove/oven.

 
That is all.
 
Sauerkraut

Turd Love

Sauerkraut Here!

I was looking at The Neighbor Girls Facebook page today when I ran across this photo...

It's an older photo of my little Izzy, but one of my all time favorites.  I'm not sure what it is about this little turd, but he makes my heart melt.  Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Halloween Was A Bust

Sauerkraut Here!

Typically, I spend a good portion of late summer/early fall planning for Halloween, but this year was different…

Because the last month of my life has been a busy mess I wasn’t able to put as much effort toward the holiday, this makes me really, really sad. This is the first year, since living on my own, that I didn’t decorate my house, my office, blow tons of money on several Halloween costumes (I like options), and visit the craft store/s in hunt of Halloween crap I don’t need, but want. I also broke my November 1st tradition of spending my afternoon shopping for 50% off Halloween crap. Interesting fact… I’ve received two speeding tickets, on the same road, two years in a row, on November 1st… I was on my way to the Halloween store.

Rawr.

A few weekends ago I attended the Haunted History Tour happening in my hometown. Two hundred people stuffed themselves into a local funeral home for a brief presentation and then crammed themselves into the bellies of several awaiting school buses. We made five stops: the bus station, a local park, the town courthouse, a factory, and an auto shop.

Here’s why I wasn’t impressed… There were far too many people at one time. Also, I would have preferred a historical briefing prior to each stop. For example, “this building was originally a brothel operated by Jane Doe. Documents state that her body was discovered on the floor in this hallway. No one was ever convicted of the crime, but it’s rumored the town sheriff may have had something to do with it. During our investigation we found…” Also, I would have liked to have had more time to explore, take pictures, etc.

I photographed lots of orbs in the courthouse... Probably because some spirits are pissed off at the decisions that were made in these rooms?

Did you know the DMV was originally the town morgue?

On Friday I dressed up for work as a bee and spent the day trying not to sit on my homemade stinger. To celebrate the holiday we got off early to attend a bowling party, clearly my costume was not a source of luck because I bowled like shit, and I think I was the worst in the company? And I am awesome. When I got off work I went to my apartment to start unpacking my crap but then my friend Heather called me and invited me to a pair of Halloween parties. Adding to my angel plan, I agreed to go.

Buzz.

The first was a company party and they went all out. Everything was decorated really well, they hired a fancy caterer and I even got my cards read! I’ve never done that before and it was super awesome. No one at the party knew me, I didn’t tell the card reader anything, I remained emotionless and expressionless and she hit everything dead on. She said a few things that she could have gathered from my conversations in the hallway, but she also told me many things that I did not discuss. She’s supposed to email me my reading? If I get it, I’ll share it with you.

The second party was a house party and it was not as fun, I’m done talking about it.

I spent the day before Halloween unpacking my apartment and I must say I made some progress. That night I had one trick-or-treater… That I didn’t answer the door for. I feel bad, but it wasn’t Halloween! If I support trick-or-treating on Saturday than I’m supporting the idea that it’s okay to move a national holiday to accommodate religious beliefs. In other words, fuck the MoMo’s. Also, I did not go out to the bar/club. Why? Because I hate it, I smelled and I was really sleepy.

Is this considered progress?

On Halloween I wandered around my apartment trying to put things away but I was very unsuccessful. After a delicious and nutritious breakfast of SpaghettiO’s and Mucinex Mr. Coconut and I went to WinCo so I could pick up a few groceries. When I got back to my apartment I realized I was not going to be moved in by work on Monday. I spent the rest of the night watching movies I rented from Red Box. I rented four, but only watched two because Mr. Coconut was snoring so fucking loud I couldn’t hear the fucking TV. So, tonight I’m watching Shutter Island… I selected it as my scary Halloween movie.

What else?

- Moving sucks. Sure it’s exciting to have a new environment, but the unexpected costs blow. The application fees, the deposits, the U-Haul, gasoline, power, cable, curtain rods, flour, sugar, etc. It all sucks.  I also hate having to clean an apartment before I can move in, shouldn't they already be clean?

When I looked at my apartment they told me the carpet was new, clearly it wasn't.  The management company has a receipt showing that the carpets were cleaned 2 months before I moved in...

I sent my management company these photos and they're crediting my account for the rental costs.

A peek under my stove, yum.

I found these under my bedroom rug on Saturday morning.  Apparently the people who lived in my apartment before me didn't vacuum the carpets before they left (surprise!).  I suppose I laid down the rugs too soon after cleaning the carpets because when I picked it up I found all these purple balls.  It took me a few minutes to figure it out, but they’re those gel balls that expand when in water, they're used in flower vases and crap.  I was very confused. 

- I ran over a grasshopper. I was really hoping he would move, but he didn’t. I’m sorry Mr. Grasshopper.
- A photo of my nephews on Halloween…

The Garden Gnome and the Pea in a Pod.

That is all.

Sauerkraut