Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Cat Piss

Sauerkraut Here!

After I let my dog out this morning I returned to bed. To the side of my bed I could hear him attacking the bag that holds my nail polish; I peaked over the edge of the bed to tell him to stop. When I returned to my pillow I realized he was squatting over my nail polish bag. Trying to process what was happening I could hear him attacking the bag some more and then, some drizzling. I quickly realized he was taking a piss on my nail polish bag!

I grabbed the back of his neck, holding him in place while I decided my next move. I scooped him up, closed the bedroom door (so he couldn’t escape) and proceeded to rub his face in the puddle of his fresh piss.

Normally, by the time I‘ve notice he’s pissed on something it’s already sunk into the carpet. This time he pissed on a plastic bag and it was nice and fresh, still warm. I coated his face in piss, making sure to get the sides so it would be harder for him to clean it off and no matter how much he cried I kept going. Thank God he doesn’t have front claws. After coating his face, I tossed him outside… For five hours. Waving at him from inside every time he came to the door.


I don’t get it! What is this cat’s problem! I take very good care of him, he has food in his bowl, fresh water, and I let him sleep with me! Even though I’m extremely allergic to him! I make sure to give him attention, petting him every morning (and then I scrub the shit out of myself in the shower) and acknowledge him through out the day.

I understand that he’s upset that my grandparents are gone, but really? He pees when they’re here! I don’t think he started pissing everywhere until the dogs came along, namely Falkor. I’m pretty sure nothing is wrong with him because he goes to the vet on a regular basis and we’ve asked the vet about this problem before, but he won’t stop!

Between Lucifur pissing everywhere, Pet Cemetery pissing when she’s nervous/scared and Falkor pissing because of kidney stones. Which were caused by my grandmother feeding it table food, the dog had surgery, which was very expensive, and it fixed the problem, but my grandmother still feeds it table scraps. Awesome.

I can’t take it! This is just wrong! What do I do!?

Crap ass cat.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

What Is This?

Sauerkraut Here!

What is this?  I found it in my yard.  My guess is it's a regurgitated bird.


That is all.

Sauerkraut

I Can't Think Of A Name For This Post Because I'm Lame

Sauerkraut Here!

The weather today was yucky and I really didn’t want to walk my dog, but I knew it would make both of us feel better, so I did. While on our walk we one of the members of NWA attacked us and wouldn’t leave my dog’s ass alone. Here’s the thing, my dog is old as shit. He’s so old his on three different medications for his ears, one for his hips and we have to soften his food so he can eat it. In other words, he can’t really defend himself when some dog won’t leave his asshole alone.

So there I was pushing my dog forward to get away while gently pushing the other dog away with my foot. Lucky me, this car came flying up and this woman was yelling “Maxi! How the hell did you get loose!? God damnit! I just bought you a new collar! You son of a bitch.” I was worried this woman would be upset that I was pushing her dog away with my foot, but clearly that wasn’t case. “Is everything okay? Did anything happen? I just worry when she gets around bigger dogs because she gets scared.” Really everything was fine.

Ty with a bowl of applesauce on him.

It’s just so funny/sad to see my dogs little face when he gets attacked, he’s completely helpless. Poor thing.

On our walk it began to snow so I had to cut our walk short, but I tried to give my dog a good workout by jogging with him a little and then walking with him a little. It seemed to help and I’m sure the neighbors loved watching my fat ass slosh up and down the road with an elderly dog and a bag of marshmallows under my arm.

Anyways, the marshmallows were for Gooey Caramel Corn. Here’s the thing, I love to cook, specifically bake. The problem is, when you cook, you eat, which explains why I’m a moocow. For example, last night I made Orange Soaked Pound Cake… And I ate half of it.

Tonight I wanted to make dinner so I made Crispy Ranch Chicken, Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes and yellow corn, very country. Secretly I was hoping my Uncle Kevin would come over and help me eat it, indeed he did, so that was nice. I love cooking for people.

The Gooey Caramel Corn was for dessert. I’ve never made caramel corn before, but I think it turned out perfect. However, I don’t really like it, I think it’s the marshmallows, not a big fan.

I’m also learning that I’m not a huge fan of chocolate. I’ve always known that I prefer vanilla to chocolate, but the more I think about it, I just don’t like chocolate. I don’t like chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, you name it, I just don’t like chocolate.

Lucifur laying on my resume, 'cuz I don't need that or anything. 

In other news... I was contacted by a company regarding my resume. That’s all I’m going to say for now because I don’t want to jinx myself, but I was really shocked to get a response. I’ll keep you posted.  My Mom will be home tomorrow, I'm kind of happy.

Proof that nothing happens in this town, this mornings paper. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Gooey Caramel Popcorn


1 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup light corn syrup
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
pinch of cream of tartar
1/2 (10-ounce) package marshmallows, about 4 cups
10 cups hot, salted popcorn, uncooked kernels removed

In a saucepan, combine the brown sugar, water, corn syrup, butter, and cream of tartar.  Bring to a simmer over medium heat, stirring frequently with wooden spoon to dissolve the sugar.  When the sugar syrup reaches a boil, stop stirring.  Simmer for 10 to 12 minutes, until the caramel coats the back of a spoon or until it reaches 270 degrees on a candy thermometer (soft-crack stage).  Remove caramel from heat and stir in marshmallows.  Fold the marshmallows mixture into the popcorn, the caramel will coat better if the popcorn is warm.     

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'm Living A Double Life

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m having a weird day. I’m getting a little frustrated that I don’t know what the next step in my life will be. I still don’t have a job and it’s almost been a year. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been applying like crazy, but all I’ve managed to find is a job teaching swim lessons one day per week. Clearly that’s not going to pay the bills. Today I applied for a part-time job working as a swim instructor for the city, but again, that won’t pay the bills. To make a long story short, I’m starting to panic.

If I stay where I am I have the familiarity and ease of a small town. I have my family and my dog. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and guaranteed company. What I don’t have are Mr. Coconut, my Salt Lake friends and a career.

If I return to Utah I will have the city and everything that comes with it… Better shopping, better food, a better chance of finding a good paying job and all of the buddies I made when I lived there. The truth is, I found some really neat people and I miss them… A lot. But, I won’t have my family and the comforts and ease of home.

Here’s the thing, I’ve been thinking a lot today and maybe I do want to get married, or at least be a part of a very committed relationship. I know, this is shocking. If this is the case, I can’t stay home. One, because Mr. Coconut is not here and two, if Mr. Coconut and I don’t work out, I’m 100 percent confident I won’t find a match here.

Also, I want to make money. But, I also want to be involved in people’s lives and travel. I want to bake my nephew’s birthday cakes, take them to Disneyland, walk my dog everyday, help my grandparents, etc. I can’t do those things if I’m in Utah.

To be honest, losing my job has been great! I’m not stressed, I’m not angry, I’m enjoying helping my family, having time to blog, make crafts and travel.  Honestly, I’m happier now than I’ve been in a really long time. The only time I’m sad is when I think about what I’m missing out on in Utah. Mr. Coconut, my friends, my career goals.

I’m just really frustrated that I’m living a double life! I just want one and I’m not sure what to do?

In other news…

Lucifur went missing today eight hours. I actually did my hair today and ran a couple of errands, it felt nice to be outside, it’s the perfect weather (perfect weather = hoodie, jeans and flip flops). Puppy woke me up a 3AM to use the bathroom, 5AM to eat, and 5:15AM to use the bathroom, again. Then, I forgot about him and fell asleep, oops. I rescued him two hours later.

More fun with painters tape!

Um, I love this photo.

Finally, one of my errands was to return a pillow and a pair of shoes for my mom. When I was standing in line some bitch got so close to me it was driving me nuts. Why do people do that? This is my time at the register, back the fuck off! You running up my ass is not going to make the clerk go faster! Then, this cunt bitch started whispering to her boyfriend about my return, “she’s returning one of those pillows, I really need one of those.” Seriously. Why the shitness are you whispering? Do you think I can’t hear you when you’re standing so close to me!? What the fuck!? This, if you don’t know, is one of my biggest pet peeves.


That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  Thanks for reading and commenting PDX and BananaRamaDingDong (AKA Shanna).

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Lucifur, My Little Slice Of Demon Spawn

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m sure you’ve all heard me talk about Lucifur. If you haven’t, he’s my grandfathers “kitty cat.”


My grandfather never asks for anything, nor does he tell anyone when he plans to buy something. If he wants something, he just goes out and gets it. For example, one day my grandfather dropped my grandmother off for a doctor’s appointment… And picked her up in a new car. Well, the same thing happened with the cat, one day, he just appeared.

I remember walking into my grandparent’s house to find my grandfather sitting in his chair with a little black puff of fur on his shoulder. I stared at it for some time before I realized it was a kitten and I must admit, he was pretty cute. Typically I only like sphinxes or shorthaired, orange, tabby cats with green eyes and freckles on their nose.

When I asked my grandfather what this cats name was he hadn’t decided. At first he was thinking about naming him “boots,” because it looked like he was wearing little white boots, but I wanted to name him “Capone,” after Al Capone, because he was sneaky like a mobster. Anyways, the cat didn’t have a name for a long time, but we quickly realized he was demon spawn. It was me that named him Lucifur, spelled Luci-fur, like cat fur? Anyways, it’s a perfect fit; he truly is the devil, draped in black fur with evil green eyes and sharp teeth.

Just when I thought Lucifur and I were bonding over a cheese stick I thought I heard someone breaking into the house... Nope… It was just Lucifur hacking up a juicy gift of appreciation.

Not a day goes by that he doesn’t live up to his name. He bites, he attacks my grandfather’s Achilles tendon at night when he’s scooting around the house in his chonies, he drags live birds into the house, dead mice, and pisses everywhere. Although, I’m pretty sure he didn’t piss until the two shit fuck dogs came along, but whatever.

I thought I was in bed for the night... Then I noticed a dark colored blob near Lucifur, honestly I thought he started his period! It turned out to be a slug.

 The slug Lucifur brought me.

Slug spooge.  All over my bed!

Anyways, I have a love hate relationship with this cat. Honestly, I feel bad for the guy sometimes. He used to rule the roost until those dumb ass dogs came along and now he spends his time avoiding them. To torture him I pet him where he doesn’t like it, I bop him on the head and bite him back when he tries to bite me and I happily rub his face in his piss.

There’s really no point to this post other than to tell you about Lucifur so you can understand why this cat drives me nuts and works my last nerve everyday. In fact, this morning he pissed on my dog’s bed. It’s currently in the dryer.


In other news...  I put a second coat of paint on my grandparents bedroom walls and cleaned their car... It took 3 hours... Because of the mass amounts of animal hair. 

Ty, sporting some painters tape.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Snot Rockets In The Park

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday was my swimming lesson. I woke up super early, made the 45minute journey to the pool and gave my legs and good shave. Bummer about having a shity ass razor because now my cahootie is on fire thanks to the fucking razor burn! No it’s not an STD. Anyways, I tried to make my lesson fun by having the kids dive through noodles, dividing them into teams (chicken nuggets vs. tater-tots) and having them practice their surface dives by diving for plastic bugs. No one drown so I’m going to say it was a successful lesson.


After my lesson, when I was waiting for my pay, I ended up putting together Swim-A-Thon packets, oddly I found myself having so much fun doing it. It wasn’t long before I was envisioning my life as a small town poor manager. Teaching water aerobics, swim lessons and coaching the swim team. Honestly, I think I’d be pretty content doing something like that. Maybe I could open a crazy store down the street?


Also, my dog tried to eat a muffin wrapper yesterday. I could see him sniffing around the table and when I showed him what it was, he snatched it away, gobbling it up. The next thing I knew I was retrieving a muffin wrapper from my dogs throat. The good news is, I got it. It was in one piece and caked in slobber.

Today my mother left for Denver, Colorado. I could have gone with her, but I chose to stay home, save some money and watch the dog. I’m already watching the cat, so whatever.

Also, today was full of shit. This morning I cleaned the litter box. It was awful. It’s not the poop/pee clumps that bother me it’s the smell of the litter itself. Plus, I hate the fine dust that floats up into my nose when I sift through it. Then I went to get my dog and he shit all over the neighbors property, so I had to walk back home, grab the poop scoop and cleaned up the mess. When I went to take the poop scoop back I ended up picking up the shit in our yard. And right before we entered the park, my dog shit in someone else’s yard, awesome. I walked to the “mutt mitt” dispenser in the park and returned to the house to pick up the poop. When we got to my grandparents house I couldn’t convince my dog to go outside unless I went outside with him, again, I found myself cleaning up poop. My life is awesome.


In other news, my grandfather is somewhere in Texas trying to get onto a naval base with no vehicle registration. And I blew some good snot rockets in the park today.

Finally, because I’m alone in this town with both my mother and my grandparents gone, if I don’t post for a while, I’m probably dead. My guess is, “George” with “Yummy Meats” killed me.

That is all.
 
Sauerkraut

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Orb Results

Sauerkraut Here!

I asked all of you to vote on the orbs I found at the Old Idaho Penitentiary (see the “St. Paddy’s Day Orbs” posted on March 17th, 2010) and according to the whooping three people who voted (the rest of you suck ass), 66 percent of you don’t believe I captured orbs. This really bums me out, but whatever.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Cupcake Bouquet Thing

Sauerkraut Here!

So the other day I was making old people muffins (flax-bran), when the phone rang, it was my mom, “are you crazy stressed out right now?” “Um, no. Why?” I replied. My mom continued, she was talking about magazines, cupcakes and her coworker. What I gathered was that she wanted me to make some cupcakes and ice them for her co-worker.

So, I was up all night making a shit ton of carrot cake flavored cupcakes and the next morning I woke up super early to make my buttercream frosting, which I thought would go nicely with the carrot cake cupcakes. When I started frosting my cupcakes I realized my buttercream was way too warm, but due to time restraints, I had to figure out a way to work with it.

I delivered the cupcakes to my mom at work and the next thing I know I’m making this weird cupcake bouquet thing. I have to admit, I wish I had more time and I wish I knew that I would be responsible for making this entire cupcake bouquet, because I would have done a much better job.


However, my mom and her co-workers loved it. In addition, I guess the cupcake bouquet was for some birthday party and supposedly it got rave reviews, so I guess I didn’t blow it too bad.

Today, when I went to my mom’s job to make a copy of a recipe I notice a cute mug with some adorable mini daffodils in it. Naturally noisy, and very territorial I examined it closer. Next to the flowers was a little card… With my name on it! How freaking cute! My mom’s co-worker got my little flowers as a thank you. I can’t wait to plant them in my moms yard. It will be a fun reminder of my last minute craft project.

Also, Mr. Coconut has a photo of my dump truck cake as his wallpaper on his computer at work. When his co-workers find out that it’s a cake they freak out and ask him how much I would charge to make one for them. Here’s the thing, I really didn’t think my cake was that great, but people seem to really like it. Maybe I do have some talent. And maybe I should start perfecting my craft and actually do something with it. Just a thought.

In other news, I went to some appointment thing and when I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a desk with a gang of cords under it. I sat there for a moment questioning why this building hadn’t gone up in flames and then I spent the remainder of my wait determining how many ghosts were in this building and how I would handle myself should the building catch on fire while I was there. I decided that walking out the door would be best.


Also, this is a photo of my favorite socks. I like to wear fun socks.


Finally, this is why all girls should avoid sports bras.


That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. “Ace of Cakes” is on tonight and their making a rat! You know I have to watch that.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sweaty Showcase Showdown And Stupid Crap In The Park

Sauerkraut Here!

Recently I posted about Lucifur pissing all over my clean laundry to which I Heart to Fart commented (thanks for commenting by the way) “it looks like my sweaty armpits.” Indeed it did.


I Heart To Fart is a very sweaty guy. In fact, sometimes he would sweat so much at work that we would have to go shopping for a new dress shirt on our lunch break. Anyways, his comment reminded me of a little story, a story that involves some very sweaty I Heart To Fart armpits…


My two buddies and I try to take a trip once a year to stay connected. Plus it’s a good excuse to get away, act half our age and do random crap. One year we went to Las Vegas, Nevada and caught a couple of shows. This particular day we went to “The Price is Right.” Not the actual Price is Right, but a spin-off version. David Ruprecht, a former host of Supermarket Sweep, hosted the show and it operated exactly like the real version.

While the production crew set up the next game the announcer would keep the crowd entertained by calling off random names in the audience. If he called you’re name you were lucky enough to win some random item or $5 bucks toward the casino. Super lucky… Okay.

While waiting for the production crew to set up the final game, the announcer read off some names, one of which was our dear friend I Heart To Fart. He must have been daydreaming about a smoke break because when he heard his name called he looked at PDX and I in shock.

I Heart To Fart: “Did they just call my name?”
PDX and I: “Yes.”
I Heart To Fart, now standing: “Did they just call my name!?”
PDX and I: “Yes.”
I Heart To Fart, now jumping up and down: “They just called my name!!”


By this time PDX and I realized that I Heart To Fart thought he had just been called down to play for the nifty, blue Chevy Cobalt. By this time he was already standing on his chair, jumping up and down, facing the audience, screaming at the top of his lungs, “they called my name!” Again, PDX and I tried to stop him but he had already ran toward the podium, still jumping up and down, still screaming at the top of his lungs. PDX and I continued to signal to him that he had made a mistake, but he was so caught up in the moment he didn’t understand.

The audience was in tears of laughter and it wasn’t long before the host caught wind of what was going on. He slowly made his way toward I Heart To Fart, his voice booming from the speakers for all to hear, and broke the news to out little I Heart To Fart that in fact he was not called down for a chance to win the Chevy Cobalt.


Heartbroken and sweating profusely, I Heart To Fart hugged the host and peeped the words, “but I wanted to win the Chevy Cobalt.” Again, a huge roar of laughter from the audience. Poor I Heart To Fart made his way to his seat, totally crushed.

Notice I Heart To Farts Sweaty Armpits

After the show he got a photo with the host who told him “in all of his years as a host, that was the funniest thing that had ever happened to him.” I Heart To Fart redeemed his $5 casino money for a flimsy backpack instead of the Chevy Cobalt.

Hey! I found a ton of random shit in the park today…




Can't afford to put clothes on your kids back?  Go to the park!


This ribbon read "I've got better things to do than drugs." 
Guarantee the kid smoked some weed right next to this bitch.



Don’t judge me, but I actually found a really cute Vans hoodie that I took home. I’m going to wash it up real good and give it to Mr. Coconut’s son, ha! No really, I’m serious.  Sure I probably have an STD now and Mr. Coconut's son will probably get it and that will be a really fun thing to try and explain in court, but whatever. 

Really?  Directions to a heated blanket? 
How the hell does this find it's way to the middle of a park?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  Thank you SO much for commenting on my blog, it makes me happy!  My chicken nuggets are burning so I must go.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Hit And Run = Sunday Fun

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday I discovered that Lucifur pissed all over my clean laundry. So… That was a super fun way to start the day.


Later in the day my mother and I walked to the top of the city and that was super fun because in all of the years my mother has lived here, she’s never been up there. Now she can check one more thing off her bucket list. Anyways, we took my dog and I’ll be honest I was pretty nervous that the up hill climb would be too hard on his hips, but he had a ball. He was so excited to go for a walk and even more excited to go somewhere new.



Later in the evening my mother and I went out for ice cream, but Cold Stone was closed, the soft serve machine at TCBY was broken and so we ended up going to the grocery store.

I ran in, while my mom waited in the car, and when I came out she told me she just watched a guy pull into a parking spot, hit the car next to him, tearing off the side mirror and go inside the store.

I asked my mom what she did and she said she didn’t do anything. I told her she had to write a note because I would want someone to tell me if someone hit my car. So my mom and I scrambled for a slice of paper and a pen. My mom quickly scribbled a note on the paper “ I just saw someone in a green GMC, license plate number ### hit your car.” I jumped out of my car and placed the note on the driver’s side door, hoping the jerk that hit her wouldn’t catch me. Then, we waited in the car from a distance; eating our ice cream until we saw the guy walk right passed the mirror, get in his car and speed away.

We waited awhile longer for the owner of the car to come out. It was a young girl, about my age, with two young children (no wonder she was in the store forever). Immediately she noticed that her car had been hit and you could see the wheels in her head turning, “damnit! I can’t afford this! Now I have to work double time at the strip club.” Anyways, I felt bad that the girls’ car got hit; good that we left a note and stupid for watching it all go down from afar… While eating ice cream.

Today I ran some errands and prepared myself for my next project, painting my grandparents bedroom. Shoot me now.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. My grandmother found out that I planned on throwing my cake off the hill and she got pissed because it “was a waste of time and talent.” I ended up taking it to my mother’s job. Honestly, I’m glad it’s gone because I was really sick of looking at it. And this post sucks.  Blah.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Dump Truck Cake

Sauerkraut Here!

I finally finished my cake! Don’t judge it too harshly because it was simply practice for the real deal in early July. Anyways, I’m glad I did a practice cake because I clearly found some areas that need improvement.  My favorite things about the cake are the Idaho license plates and the rocks in the back. Oh!  And my nephew will be turning two, so that's why there's a number two on the truck, in case you were wondering.  Let me know what you think… PDX… Because you’re the only one who comments on this fucking blog.




That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I'm so glad this fucking thing is done.  And I plan to throw it off the highest point in this town, I'm hoping it will attract some mountain lions.  I'll keep you posted.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Fun Friday

Sauerkraut Here!

Well I did it. I woke up super early; drove past three squished bunnies and arrived, “bright and surly” to teach swimming lessons. I even shaved my cahootie!

I have six kids in my level four class, and if you don’t already know level four basically focuses on stroke improvement. They practice things like: diving from the side of the pool, survival floating and open turns.

They all seem like decent kids, but I’m pretty sure two of them will drown when I’m not looking. Moving on... Teaching is a challenge for me because I’m very blunt and bossy. When I teach kids I need to constantly remind myself to be patient, be positive, give constructive feedback and let them have a little fun. I’m cringing.

Anyways, no one drown, I didn’t have any parents yell at me… Yet. And I was self-conscious about my pasty skin and cottage cheese thighs the entire time. Oh! And I got punched in the boob and forgot my chonies, so the drive home was very uncomfortable.

When I got back I put on some chonies, some random fucked up outfit and headed to my moms house. Within 30 minutes I was back in the car and headed for some out of town shopping. The best part! I had $80 in my pocket. “I’m rich bitch!”

After doing a shit ton of returns (which I’m famous for) I found a few cute items to add to my wardrobe… That I’ll probably return. Seriously.

Anyways, when I got back to town I walked my dog and found the following items in the park, if you pay close attention, it could tell a story…

A few bottles of chardonnay...

a sweatshirt...

the condom wrapper... lubricated...

and a tampon applicator!

1) This park is a fucking gold mine!
2) What the fuck is going on in this park!?  Seriously!

When I got home I worked on my cake, which is taking way too long, and now I’m filling out my grandparents Census… Because my life is awesome and I know how to party on a Friday night, what!?  Maybe I should go to the park?


Some other crap… My grandparents have been gone for less than a week and already my grandmother had an accident in a store, someone crashed into the Jazzy ramp on the back of their vehicle and something went wrong with one of the $300 tires on The Bus. Awesome.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Krabby Patties In The Park

Sauerkraut Here!

Today I woke up super early, okay 8AM, and walked my dog.

When I got home I spent the rest of the day working on my cake. Things were going pretty good until it came time to color my fondant. When it comes to coloring fondant; red is the hardest color to achieve! It always looks more like hot pink.


Anyways, I ran to the craft store to buy more red food coloring and when I was checking out at the register my mothers co-worker asked me, “are you Hollywood’s sister?”

Really? Are you shiting me? Do I look that old? Do I look old enough to be the sister of a 55-year-old!? Fuck my life.

Anyways, after two hours and three bottles of food coloring I finally got my fondant a decent red color. Then, just when I went to put the fondant on the cake I started receiving tons of text messages, my cell phone started to ring and the house phone started to ring. Annoyed and drenched in Crisco, I answered to phone. It was my aunt, kind of.

Auntie Kind Of: “Aqua-holic needs someone to teach swim lessons! And if you don’t do it, I’ll have to! Would you do it!?

Sauerkraut: Okay.

Auntie Kind Of: “Great can you start tomorrow?”

So… Tomorrow I’ll be waking up super early, driving an hour and a half (round trip) to teach a bunch of shity kids how to swim.

The good news is I get paid. I’m not sure how much, but lets hope it’s enough to pay for gas and an oil change!

Anyways, my cake got all fucked up and I tried to fix it, but it didn’t work. I went to remove the fondant and ended up tearing off half the cab of the truck, if you don’t know I’m making a dump truck. Anyways, I got the fondant off and tried to fill the gap with cake scraps and tons of buttercream frosting, I did okay. Currently it’s in the fridge in the hopes that I can fix it better tomorrow.

Tonight I walked my dog home and I found the following things in the park…




That is all.

Sauerkraut