Welcome Home

Sauerkraut Here

I live in a dump. Yup, a real fucking shit hole. Not only do I have the worst neighbors, but I also have the worst property managers.

Searching for a place to call home?  Rent from us.  Each apartment comes complete with a number of junky chairs pilled in front of your door... 

Garbage at your doorstep...

And enough shity diapers for everyone in the family!

We offer a smoker friendly atmosphere...

Complete with fields of weed (not really, but it looks damn close)...

We offer covered parking with extra room to store your precious valuables!

An award winning maintenance staff... 

And a beautiful, state of the ART building.

(note the car parked next to the "no parking sign")

Plus!  If you sign a lease today, we'll help you furnish your new home with a beautiful new couch.

 

Can I report them to the Better Business Bureau?  Seriously.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Birthday Cancer

Sauerkraut Here!

This weekend I drove to Boise, Idaho to celebrate my nephews third birthday.

As I told you, last week was extremely overwhelming. In fact, on Thursday, I called into the flower store and asked if I could have the night off. I still feel guilty, but I was so exhausted and I had a two-hour drive ahead of me. When I got home I had a short visit with my mother and another short visit with my grandmother, before I hit the sack.

Eight months late, but worth the wait!  My birthday gift from Mel, I can't wait to hang it on the wall.

Friday morning I said goodbye to my grandparents, my mother and scooped PDX up from her grandparent’s house. Not long after I picked her up I was pulled over near American Falls for speeding (17 miles over the limit), in a construction zone, without proof of insurance. Sigh. Yes, I got a ticket.

Later we stopped at our favorite gas station to pee, get gas and grab a coffee. After I pumped gas I went inside, took a pee, got some coffee, ordered a weird taco thing, refilled my coffee, bought some chapstick and walked outside to discover that I had left my driver side door way open… With cash, a cell phone and all of my belongings sitting there for the taking. To my surprise nothing was gone.

As we continued down the road, eating our nasty Mexican food, my leg got an itch and when I went to itch it I dumped my enchilada sauce covered tater tot things all over my car and myself. Nice.

When we finally got to Boise, it took us forever to figure out how to get to our hotel, but eventually we got there and discovered we had booked the cutest little room.

After running a few errands, one of which was getting new shoes (tires) for my car, we headed to my brothers house to hang with the nephews/make his birthday cake AKA the “Cowboy Cake Cake” or the “Woody.”

The cake Izzy wanted...

The cake Izzy got.  Auntie Sauerkraut got sleepy.

While I worked on the cake PDX helped me by doing random little chores, like making the cupcakes. My precious little nephew helped her by dumping in some ingredients, squishing an egg into the mix (he was supposed to hold the egg) and stirring the batter. Occasionally I would look over and catch him eating mouthfuls of batter. He had so much fun making his cake cakes I couldn’t get mad at him.

While we made the cake/cake cakes Dweedle roamed around our feet eating hunks of the cake scraps and he was just as happy as could be.

At the last minute friend I Heart to Fart decided to drive to Boise, Idaho to take part in the festivities and see PDX.

Conversation with Izzy

Auntie Sauerkraut: “Iz, Uncle I Heart to Fart is coming.”

Izzy: “I Heart to Fart… MY I Heart to Fart?”

Auntie Sauerkraut: “Yup.”

Izzy: “ I love I Heart to Fart!”

Precious.

It’s so amazing to me that my nephew is at the age that he’s starting to remember things like this.

Another conversation with Izzy

Auntie Sauerkraut: “Are you my best friend?”

Izzy: “No.”

Auntie Sauerkraut: “No!? Who’s my best friend?”

Izzy: “PDX best friend.”

So in love, so in love.

I found myself working into the next morning to get my nephews cake done (3:06AM, to be exact) before the party. Despite my exhaustion I pushed forward for my precious little nephew, but I had so much fun in the company of my friends and family. And my brother had so much fun telling my friends stories and showing them photos of his deceased dog. Ha, ha!

I love my brothers face in this photo.

Rico Suave...  And his mental patients.

Good friends... Kind of.

Maybe not.

When I finally finished the “Woody Cake Cake” my amigos and I headed back to the hotel where I made I Heart to Fart iron my dress for the party. And then we all crashed.

The next day I woke up as early as I could force myself to and headed to my brothers house to get ready for the party and finish the cupcakes.

When we got to the lake we ate some pizza and waited for guests to arrive.

Getting his first, and only!  Tattoo from Uncle John.

Shortly after the party started I Heart to Fart and PDX pulled up. When Izzy realized it was I Heart to Fart he took off running, all the way across the park to give him a hug. It was pretty cute.

After presents my amigos and I headed back to the house to pick up the cake and cupcakes.

Auntie Sauerkraut got him a sword and cape!  P.S.  I'm so head over heels for this kid.

His parents got him a Woody Doll!  He loved it!

We did the cake thing and I remembered on the way home that we never sang happy birthday, what the hell!?

Izzy was being a good boy by letting his little brother eat some of his birthday cake...

Seconds later, he tried to push him off the table.

It's all good Dweedle got what he wanted...

And went back for more when Izzy wasn't looking.

After cake Izzy played “sneaky sharks” with PDX in the lake and the rest of us hung out. When the party was over the three of us went back to the hotel where, without knowing it, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I headed back to the house to hang with my nephews for a little while before their bedtime. Still pooped we headed back to the hotel, looked up places to visit on our trip and went to sleep.

Sneaky Sharks with Mel.

Roar!

The next morning we awoke, packed our shit, ate a carb-loaded continental breakfast and headed to my brothers house to say goodbye. I hate leaving my nephews. Nothing makes me feel better than being with my nephews. And my little Dweedle bug is so snuggly! I love it!

After saying goodbye I drove PDX to the worlds smallest airport and drove away. Seconds into my journey home I missed my road dog and found myself wishing I had more time with her.

The journey home was rough because I couldn’t stay awake. I stopped in Mountain Home for some coffee, but it didn’t help. Eventually, I decided I had better pull over and sleep, but instead I bought a huge Pepsi, chomped on some sunflower seeds and drove with the windows down. After awhile it helped.

After an exhausting weekend I finally made it home. Because Mr. Coconut and I barely see each other he came to visit and he took me out for a bite to eat. After dinner, I fell asleep on his bad leg. Poor guy, I always fall asleep around him.

Moving on…

Today was my follow-up appointment with the doctor/surgeon. He said everything went really well; he removed my bandage, revealing a scar that looks like a little worm lives under my skin and he informed me that I have The Cancer.

Before - Pretty neck.

After - El fucked up neck.

Because everyone was pissed at me for not telling them about my surgery I am sharing this information with you…

I’m still trying to figure some stuff out, but here’s what I know… I have cancer (I forget the name). It is Stage 1. The lowest level, the higher numbers indicate more extensive disease: larger tumor size and/or spread of the cancer beyond the organ in which it first developed to nearby lymph nodes and/or organs adjacent to the location of the primary tumor. The plan is: I have having surgery, again, in August. They are going to remove my other thyroid and after surgery I will do iodine radiation (?). Then, the cancer should be gone and I will be on thyroid medication for the rest of my life.

Sigh. So, I will keep you updated.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Overwhelmed

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m trying to squeeze in a quick post before my chaos continues. So, here’s a quick update…

I spent the bulk of last week hanging around the house with my mom. We tried to leave the house once a day to build my endurance before I went back to work. Mainly we shopped, but for good reason, work clothes. To my surprise I found a cute dress, a little shirt, some pants and to no surprise, shoes.

On Saturday we went Downtown to the farmers market and I had so much fun. Mom and I ate a delicious Belgian waffle; I purchased a birthday gift for my nephew and pet an adorable English Bulldog named Sophia. I had so much fun at the market, but it was way too rough on my recovering body, at one point I had to hideout in the shade. If I remember correctly I came home and took a nap.

When she left on Sunday I finished making a birthday gift for my nephew (yes, another one), went to a stupid birthday party for some kid I don't know (we'll get into that later) and spent the rest of the evening at Sheek Geek and Tar-J's house.  We just sat in the backyard while Sheek Geek barbequed, played catch with the dogs and watched Sheek Geek light off some fireworks in the street.  I was nice; I had fun with them and the pups.  I also enjoyed having my mom here; I enjoyed the company, loved having her help and had fun making little projects with her.

On the Fourth of July my plan was to clean my apartment and spend the rest of the day resting before I went back to work. By the time I was finished cleaning my apartment I was exhausted, so I took another nap. I think it would have been a really good nap had I not received a number of texts/phone calls from I Heart to Fart.

Eventually, I Heart to Fart asked if he and his friend, Holdy Moldy, could come see me. I agreed because I always enjoy his company and I wanted to see his new roller skates, snazzy.

When he arrived he laced up his skates and preceded to skate around my driveway like an awkward fairy, he was so fast. It wasn’t long before I too wanted to roller skate. While I showered I Heart to Fart and his friend ran an errand and when we met back up we went for a skate around the neighborhood. They were both really fast, but I was extremely slow. Not only have I not skated since I ran over my iPod, but I just had surgery and I was nervous I would fall and open up my wound… Plus I just suck.

After a short skate around the neighborhood we took a break at my apartment and then drove the car near a local park to watch the fireworks. Instead of walking we skated and although it was quicker, my body was in so much pain. So, so, so much pain.

Anyways, we hung out in the park with Mr. Coconut and watched what I think may have been the fastest firework show ever… About three minutes, tops. We then skated back to the car and that was that. I walked in the door and fell right to sleep. It was nice to get out (I Heart to Fart is good at getting me out) and I’m thankful I didn’t fall. Plus, it was nice to spend the Fourth of July with friends and watch fireworks.

Now I’m back to life before the surgery and I’m dying! If three hours at the market wore me out, imagine what it feels like to go back to work, at both jobs, one of which you just got promoted at so you’re trying your hardest to make a good impression. Also, I have tons of little errands I need to run (new tires, bills, etc.), a cake to make for my spoiled nephew (who I love) a drive to Pocatello, Idaho, a drive, to and from, Boise, Idaho and some other shit, but I forget what. To make a long story short, I’m really overwhelmed and struggling.

According to the doctor I’m supposed to recover for two weeks, I recovered for six days… Fuck my life!

So, here I sit at 11PM… Posting, eating an old pizza, drinking a Coke (to stay awake) waiting for fucking Funfetti cakes to bake.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

People currently being neglected: Grandpa, grandma and Chickpea.  I feel bad, know that it's not on purpose.

The Surgery

Sauerkraut Here!

It’s been a long two days. On Tuesday morning my mom and I headed to the University of Utah Hospital for what would be my first major surgery, unless you count having my tonsils taken out when I was nine.

Goodbye pretty neck. 

I had what’s called a left thyroid lobotomy. Basically, they took out one of my thyroids, it’s gone. There are two main reasons I had this surgery… One, these things (thyroid nodules) are not supposed to get over 4cm and mine was “pushing 6cm.” So size alone was one of the reasons for this surgery. After my surgery they discovered that my nodule was much larger than they originally thought and that it had actually moved my trachea, neat-o.

The other reason for my surgery was the risk of cancer. When I had my fine needle biopsy it was reported that I have, or had, a follicular neoplasm that carries a 15-20% risk of cancer. Although my biopsy came back benign, the doctors needed to study the cells surrounding the cells that were taken during the biopsy and the only way to do this was to remove the nodule. I should have my results back no later than July 5th, I will keep you updated. So, here’s my journey.

Mom told me to smile... At 6AM, THIS is what you get.

We arrived at the hospital around 6:30AM and played the waiting game until a few minutes after 7:00AM when they had a room for me. It was at this time that I was lead into a room (not donated by the LDS Church J) and asked to take off all my clothing, including my chonies, which did not make me happy, and put on my snazzy hospital uniform.

Vouge.

Things were going fine until the doctor came into color on my neck and inform me that not only would I have to stay overnight but that I would have a scar as a result of my surgery. I cried.

Sad face.

The Doc's notes.

Shortly after the doctor visited me the anesthesiologist came into my room to take some of my blood and get me high. It was at this point that I got very upset because I hate needles and having something stuck in my arm for a long period of time makes me very uncomfortable.

The thing that upset me the most was the idea of “going under.” I really didn’t like the idea of not being in control of my body. Plus, I was afraid of being fondled and/or raped.

Crying/laughing at myself during anaesthesia.

I did request that the anesthesiologist get me really high because I didn’t want there to be any chance of me waking up during the procedure. And at some point during our conversation I went to sleep. I don’t even remember her giving me the stuff.

This little electronic bored let my mom know my progression.

The next thing I knew I was in a big room with some lady telling me I was done with my surgery and that it was time for me to wake up. If I recall, I told her, “No, I just really want to sleep.” Apparently that was okay because they didn’t have a room for me.

High as shit.

When I finally got a room I continued to sleep until late into the evening. When I began to wake up I realized I my neck was sore and there was a long tube stuck in it with a bloody Easter egg at the end of it. Apparently this bloody Easter egg was sucking out the blood draining from my neck.

The aftermath, I spared you a photo of the Bloody Easter Egg, which had to be drained by the way.

Mom and I watched a little TV while the nurses came in and out to check on me and take my vitals. I tried to eat some dinner but I wasn’t very hungry. I ate my dinner roll, took some medicine (hydrocodone) and barfed it up ten minutes later.

Something I didn’t enjoy was that the nurses had to measure my “liquids.” So basically I had to pee into a little white bucket and when I barfed, the nurse had to measure my barf… And dig through my barfed up bread to make sure my pill stayed down. Note to self… A job in nursing is not for me.

I didn’t make my mom stay the night with me because I knew I would be okay. Plus, I knew she had had a very long day and could use some good rest in a comfy bed.

Shortly after she left I got sick again. I sent her a text, “I barfed. Should I tell somebody?” When she told me, “yes” I called the poor little nurse into my room and when she opened the door I said, “I barfed… And my mom told me to tell you.”

I didn’t get much sleep, maybe about four hours. For the most part I just sat there staring out at the city below.

Mom was back at the hospital shortly after 6AM to talk to the doctor. But he never showed, he sent his residents instead. Apparently he was still doing operations well into the night. I was hoping the doctor would stop by because he was supposed to take a photo of my nodule and I really wanted to see it. I’m hoping he’ll have it at my follow-up appointment.

It took us awhile to get out of the hospital because we had to wait for them to take the tube out of my neck (AKA The Bloody Easter Egg), my IV, fill my prescription, etc. Then, just when we were heading out, guess who thought they were going to barf, again, for the 7th time, me. I think I just got too hot in my jacket.

My party favors, a mug of ice water and a banana... I lost the banana.

Finally, some handsome dude came to wheel me out of the hospital and away we went.

Not cool.

Now I’m home and I couldn’t be happier. The hospital was as good as it could be and everyone was very nice, but it’s always nice to come home.

I’ve taken some time off work to recover and that’s just what I plan on doing. The doctor said it should take a week/two weeks, but I'm giving myself six days and then it's back to work.  I will keep you updated.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Movin On Up

Sauerkraut Here!

I have a few little updates.

On Thursday I was sitting in the activities room at the old folks home when the executive director called me down to her office. When I got down there she asked me to come in and she closed the door behind us. Honestly, it made me a little nervous. I was thinking to myself: Did I swear? Did I dress unprofessional? What did I do!? But! To my surprise she offered me a promotion! I have been promoted from Assistant Activities Director to the Community Outreach Director.

The girl I’m replacing is moving to Portland, Oregon (jealous) and she’s amazing, I truly have some big shoes to fill. Plus, both my new supervisor and the executive director have been in my position so I’ve really got to do my best to impress them.

Regardless I’m very excited that I landed a marketing position, outside of radio and hopefully I will be able to pay my bills and spoil my nephews.

In other news, I can finally reveal that I recently interviewed at Radio Disney for a Promotions Manager position.

The afternoon after I received my promotion I received a phone call from Radio Disney. Because I was being asked to return the call I had a feeling I was being called with a job offer. Before I called Radio Disney back I had a phone conversation with my mother and together we basically decided that I should stay at the old folks home, because I’m happy there.

When I called Radio Disney back I was informed that I didn’t get the job. To be honest I was relieved that my decision had been made for me and shocked because this was the best rejection ever. Here’s why:

1) She let me know that I didn’t get the job. I hate it when people don’t let you know and you’re left to wonder.

2) She told me over the phone, not in some generic rejection email.

3) She told me why I didn’t get the position, which I greatly appreciate. P.S. The girl that was chosen over me had been with the company for three years.

4) She offered me a part-time position that I turned down. But upon my response she told me that as long as she was with the company I would always have that opportunity should my plans change.

5) She told me I have an excellent reputation in the industry. Apparently she asked several people, not listed as references, their thoughts about me and they all had good things to say. That really shocked me!

6) She informed me about a full-time marketing position with another company.

Seriously, it was the best rejection ever. Moving on…

Today was the first time in what seems like forever that I actually got some sleep. But instead of relaxing I spent the day cleaning and preparing for the week. I’m doing my best to get all of my ducks in a row before my next big adventure! Stay tuned because it’s coming very soon!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  No, I am not pregnant, I'm bleeding as we speak.

The Interview

Sauerkraut Here!

A few you (okay, one of you) asked how my interview went. To be honest, not that great. I think the girl I interviewed with knows that I’m very qualified for the job. Also, because she has worked in the industry she has done many of the same jobs as me so I believe she appreciated my honest answers regarding my past/future. However, I was still pretty pooped from the weekend so my energy level was very low and my answers weren’t as straightforward as I would have liked.

Toward the end of the interview she was very honest with me (which I greatly respect) telling me that I have some good competition (another person with an excellent resume and an internal candidate). After the interview I decided it would be wise to send her a little “thank you” to let her know that I’m grateful for the opportunity, the ideal candidate and very interested in the opportunity. I wanted to go small, but that didn’t happen.

I decided to send her flowers, thinking that would be cheap and give me the opportunity to demonstrate how creative I can be (very important in the marketing world). So, I went into work early to make her a flower arrangement, but not just any flower arrangement a Mini Mouse flower arrangement…

Attached was a handwritten card reading:

“M-I-C (Hope to see you soon.) K-E-Y (Why? Because I’d be a breath of fresh air) R-*-*-*-*. ***, I enjoyed meeting with you yesterday. Together we could make “magical” promotions.

Too much? I think so. But, she did leave me a message thanking me for the “creative” flowers and said she would “talk to me soon.” So, we’ll see.

I decided it would be in my best interest to try my best for this job and have the option to choose between the broadcast job and the old people job.  If I were offered the broadcasting job I would only take it for financial reasons.  If I were to choose a job, for enjoyment, I would stay with the old people home. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dweedle's First Birthday Party

Sauerkraut Here!

I was just looking at Post Secret and they actually have some good posts this time around. Here are a few of my favorites:

This post reminds me of my "father."  He once told me I was "getting a little big."  At the time I was built like a brick shit house.  Today, I would kill for that body.  Regardless, he made me feel awful about myself and I’ve never forgotten that comment.  To this day I secretly hope he never sees my photo because he will be ashamed of what I’ve become.

My “father” has a very distinct voice that I still find very comforting.  Sometimes I watch a stupid video about his birdhouses just to hear it. 

My grandfather is my “father figure.”  He is, without a doubt the definition of a man.  I am so, so blessed to have him in my life.       

My grandfather once asked me is I was a lesbian.  NOT the words I expected to hear come out of his mouth.  Ha ha!  I love him. 

In other news, I just got back from Boise and I’m exhausted. But! There are certain moments in life when you put aside things like money, sleep, etc. and focus on what’s really important. In this case, it was my nephew, Dweedle’s first birthday party.

So, so, so glad my brother found this shirt.  Now both boys have worn it on their first birthday. 

Izzy on his first birthday.

I stayed up late baking cupcakes Thursday night and I left for Boise early Friday morning. When I arrived in Boise I pretty much spent the entire day doing cake stuff. Izzy was very excited about everything going on and couldn’t wait to eat a cupcake!

The cupcakes.  Roar!

He sat by my side for a good chunk of time and watched me “paint” the cake. At one point I left him play with a chunk of fondant, a little rolling pin and a cookie cutter, he thought that was so great.

"Wow Izzy, is that a rock?"  No.  It's a tiger!  Roar!"  Neat-O.

Izzy: “I a good helper Sauerkraut?”

Auntie Sauerkraut: “Yes, buddy, you’re the best helper ever.”

Izzy: “I not Buddy, I ‘Tit-Tan’.”

AKA Tristan.

I love spending time with my nephew. I love watching him grow, seeing him run, viewing the world through his eyes, watching him discover new things, talking to him about what he wants to be when he grows up, giving him dating advice… That kind of stuff.

* I kept telling him he was my best friend and he would reply, “I not best friend, I boy.” *

After a super yummy dinner I continued working on the cake until eventually it was just me and the ghost of Izzy’s grandfather up. At 1:30AM I finally finished the worst cake ever!!! Sorry Dweedle. And crashed on the couch.

When my alarm (AKA my nephews) went off the next morning I jumped up, showered, got ready, helped pick up the house and got a coffee before the madness began. Actually, it was a really nice little party… The weather was great, so we had the party outside. People showed up, we ate a spaghetti lunch...

Opened gifts… I got him camouflaged swim trunks and some dinosaur/camo pajamas. If I want them to get worn, I have to buy camo. After gifts it was cake time and that’s when I presented my nephew with his (worst) cake ever...

My traditional photo: cake, kid and me.  P.S.  We're in love. 

In the hopes that he’d smash the shit out of it…

Izzy tried to get him to smash it...

Great grandpa tried...

He did nothing, sigh. One day, one day.

We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with the family and the neighbors. To be honest I don’t remember much because I was ready for bed at 3PM, seriously, 3PM.

This morning I was awoken by my tiny nephew (Dweedle) grinning in my face. I quickly packed my crap, lost my keys, hugged my nephew’s goodbye and hit the road. I had a long drive ahead of me and I wanted to get home early enough to unpack, write this post and get a good night sleep, I have my interview tomorrow.

Again, the drive went pretty fast and again, I was half asleep during the bulk of it. In fact, I stopped to get a coffee at McDonald’s before I hit the road and by the time the coffee kicked in (that’s what woke my ass up, no pun intended) I had (without realizing it) passed all of the major gas stations. Just when I was about to pull over and shit in my McDonalds bag, seriously, it was coming and there was no stopping it, I found a lone gas station in Declo, Idaho. Don’t worry; I used my “poop and flush” technique.

Now I’m just sharing my weekend with you. I wonder if my neighbors will have another rave tonight?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I went to a rave once… PDX… You remember that joyful night?  And I quote: "Do you think my shirt is short enough."  Seriously PDX, you KILL me.