Quick Trip

Sauerkraut Here!

Yesterday my good buddy PDX and I headed out for a quick trip to Logan, Utah to see our good buddy I Heart To Fart.

Along the way I invented the new phrase “suck fuck” which I have officially placed in my mental file cabinet under the section “Awesome Crap I Need to Start Saying.”

Upon arrival I saw I Heart To Fart’s new door (For the past few years he’s only had a screen door) and encountered the hardest loaf of “graduation bread” I ever whacked against a table. Later in the evening half of the loaf would be eaten by Buddy the dog, causing him to have highly potent, sulfuric farts.

After settling in, I discovered that we were going Christmas shopping… I hate shopping with I Heart To Fart, almost as much as he hates driving with me.

Here’s why shopping with him is so awful… Before you’ve finished admiring the stores front display I Heart To Fart is already swooshing by you with empty hands, because “the store sucks and everything costs more than $5,” or with two huge bags, stuffed to the top, with crap that “only cost $5.”

Now, when I Heart To Fart is happy, he’ll wander around the store with you for about five to seven minutes before “going outside to smoke.” If he’s snappy crab, he’ll immediately flee to the parking lot to smoke. Regardless of his mood, if he finishes his smoke before you exit the store, expect a phone call.

Prime example, yesterday the three of us went searching for some gifts for I Heart To Fart and PDX’s family. One of our stops was the grocery store because I needed to purchase some mini gummy bears, my favorite!

Once inside the store, PDX and I went one way and I Heart To Fart went the other. After some debate on whether or not to purchase some additional treats PDX and I realized that I Heart To Fart was no longer in the store, he was outside smoking. Fifteen minutes later, while waiting for Mel’s Aebleskiver (A Danish pancake) the phone rings. Sure enough it’s I Heart To Fart, “where are you guys? Why does it take twenty minutes to buy gummy bears!?” And upon returning to my car I had two missed phone calls, both of which were from I Heart To Fart.

Anyways, after a brief day of shopping we returned to I Heart To Fart’s house and watched cheesy game shows until I Heart To Fart had to go to work. PDX and I escaped to Hastings where we spent the next two hours reading up on astrology, dreams and ghost hunting. Neat-O!

After a less than quick stop at Beto’s Mexican Restaurant we headed home stuffed with crap-tastic food and asses full of gas. When we arrived home at about 12:30AM we discovered that we were locked out.

Left with no choice, we tried to squeeze our chicken taco/breakfast burrito asses through the dog door. Clearly I wasn’t thinking straight, had I been, I wouldn’t have tried to squeeze my boobs through that tiny door. Nor would I have panicked when my claustrophobia set in, Buddy attacking my face with kisses didn’t help. Anyways, thanks to PDX’s long, string bean arms we were able to unlock the door… Ten minutes later, we discovered that the giant, sliding glass door on the backside of the house was unlocked.

I eventually passed out at about 3AM on the love seat. However, in an attempt to give myself a little more room I placed the end table next to me. And although there was an empty bed available and a warm spot next to PDX on the larger couch, Buddy decided to curl up with me, which is fine, unless you refuse to place your stinky ass in the only available area on the couch and wake me up by farting on my hand, twice.

This morning we headed home and I made myself sick on maple bars and Meadow Gold orange juice. To be honest, I didn’t want to leave. Why? Because nothing makes me happier than sitting on a couch, draped in the “gay blanket,” between my two best buddies, in a freezing cold living room filled with the aroma of dog farts and laughing my ass off while watching the TV game show “Are you Smarter Than A 5th Grader” and old 98 Degree music video’s.

Finally, congrats to good buddy I Heart To Fart, he just graduated from college!

That is all.

Sauerkraut