Crap and Stuff

Sauerkraut Here!

Lately I’ve been a really crappy blogger person, but because I’m sick as shit today (you don't want to know the details, trust) I decided to take this time to blog, joy! Here’s what I’ve been up too…

- I now have a music player on my blog!  Thanks for your help Shanna!  Warning, if you don't like swearing or there are kids in the room, I would turn the volume down... Way down. 

- I went to my belly dancing class the other night and when I left I told my mother that I couldn’t believe some of those women were able to make kids! She replied, “you don’t have to move, you just have lay there.” Valid point, thanks mom.

- My grandmother decided she wanted to make cookies one night, but she forgot to double the oatmeal and add the baking soda. Here’s the result…

No one ate them and my grandfather ended up throwing them away, I felt bad for her.  Then, the other day I found some pre-made cookie dough and I got it for her. Now she can just thaw it and place it on the pan. Sweet success.

- One day I was walking in the park near my house when a young, black lab mix joined my dog and I. After he followed us around for far too long I checked him for a collar, nothing. Then I found myself faced with a decision…

1) Do I walk away from the dog and hope that he doesn’t get killed and finds his way to a loving home?

2) Do I call the pound?

I’ve never called the pound before because I’m convinced they only want to kill the animals. Anyways, after awhile I decided the best decision was to call the pound in the hopes that they would fill his starving belly (I know he was starving because he was crunching on a dead, frozen bird he found in someone’s yard and I could she his ribs.), give him some fresh water, a warm place to stay (away from danger), and that someone was either looking for him or looking for a dog to take home. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about him. However, I’m too afraid to call because I don’t want them to tell me that they killed him.

- One day my grandmother was scooting around the house in her underwear. Yup, just a dress shirt and her underwear. I’m lost for words.

- I found a blueberry in the toilet. That’s all I’m saying.

- Ding dong, the witch is done!  Finally!  And now my mother has me doing another one... Fuck! 

- Everyone knows I put paper towels under my boobs when I think they are going to drip.  I guess the other day I used one of my socks.  I don't remember doing this, but when I couldn't figure out why my bra felt so tight, I found my answer.

- The other day I was curling my hair when I heard a loud pop and saw sparks and smoke out of the corner of my eye. Thinking it was my curling iron, but still unsure, I kept going. Then it happened again. Considering it was inches from my face both times I was convinced it was my curling iron and I decided to move the cord around. Again a loud pop, some sparks and some smoke. I decided to stop before I burnt down the house and straighten my hair instead. Later when I told my grandmother that I almost burnt down the house she replied, "why?" Not "how," but "why." Thanks grandma.

- A few nights ago I went over to my mother’s house to visit with her. When I was there I was craving something sweet so I went looking for something. In the pantry I discovered lemon flavored Nilla Wafers! I was so excited when I found them that I gasped with joy. I love these things, but I never buy them, I don’t get it either. Anyways, I ran into the living room to show her the delicious delight I found in her pantry and she just sat there with a weird look on her face, nothing unusual. I soon discovered why she was looking at me weird; when I opened the box I discovered crackers. Yup, crackers. My mother had eaten all but four cookies (actually 3 and a half because one was broken) and placed a package of half eaten Ritz crackers in the cookie box. My mother was dying of laughter and I found nothing funny about the situation. Nothing.

- I was at the post office yesterday when I noticed that the woman in front of me, with the annoying child desperate for attention, was proudly displaying her festively decorated Valentines Day packages that she planned to send to her missionaries. I also noticed she was sending a package to Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. I shit you not. I tried to get a photo, but it was really obvious.

- My dog is super old so he has a hard time getting into the back of my grandparents car. He gives it his best shot, but he usually only makes it half way. Yesterday when I was helping him into the car I grabbed his junk. Totally weirded out, I apologized and washed my hands immediately. Awkward.

- Yesterday I took my grandmother on a hunt for chewing gum. We drove to a few different stores until I found the kind she liked and bought her “as much as I could.” I bought 14 packs.

- I’m going to Las Vegas this weekend… For a day. We’ll discuss this later.

That is all.

Sauerkraut