Mollykins

Sauerkraut Here!

Molly has been my buddy for over three years.  For some time, Molly was the reason I woke up and went to work, the reason I didn't quit my job, and my escape from the office drama.  Today, Molly is still the reason I wake up, but now it's to take her potty so she doesn't have an accident in the house.  

Molly has lots of health problems, but that is to be expected from an old dog.  According to the vet, "I have done all I can" for the ol' girl and because she has decided she does not want to eat her prescription food, or take her medicine, she is having lots of accidents.  Ultimately, renal failure will seal her fate.

I can think of many reasons to justify "putting her to sleep," 

1) She's almost 16 years old!

2) Her health is not going to get better.

3) She is very skinny, her bones are sticking out... But she's eating.

4) She needs to go potty 2-3 times an hour.

5) She's having lots of accidents.  Some require a bath, her bedding to be washed and the carpet to be cleaned.  

6) She is wearing a diaper full-time.  I don't want this to lead to skin irritation/infection.

7) Because of her accidents and the time it takes me to prevent/clean them, I have been asked by management to leave her home.  As most of you know, my boyfriend has a full-time job (M-F) and a part-time job on the weekends.  He also has three kids that will be returning to school soon and are participating in after school activities.  I on the other hand, have a full-time job, a part-time job and graduate school.  I simply cannot imagine leaving Molly home by herself in her condition.   

I know that if I leave her home, she will need to remain in the kitchen because I don't have a yard.  Even if I did, she can't be in this heat... She wouldn't last five minutes.  Because she can no longer walk on slick surfaces, I would have to put her socks on her and hope that she keeps them on all-day.  Plus, I'd have to put towels down on the floor.  Because she doesn't like to be alone, she will probably move the towels while searching for a person to be with.  Then, she will slip on her potty and end up stuck on her belly, unable to get up on all fours.  Yes, this happens a lot and I imagine it hurts her.  Finally, can you blame me for not wanting to return home to find my furkid dead and covered in shit!?  Wouldn't it be better to let her pass away in my arms before she feels alone, scared and in pain?

But I continue to hesitate for my own selfish reasons.  One, because she cannot talk, I will always wonder, "Was it too soon?" and two, I simply cannot watch life leave the body of such a sweet creature.    

Some history on Molly...

When I started working at The Creek, Dee was living in her home, but planned on returning to The Creek (she had lived there once before, with Molly).  Before anyone can move into The Creek, an assessment has to take place to ensure that the individual is appropriate for our community and vice versa.  Because I was in training, I joined my co-workers on the assessment that day.  I remember sitting in Dee's living room, playing with the giant, rambunctious dog that was jumping about when my director of nursing asked Dee to write a sentence (it was part of the assessment), she wrote, "I don't want to leave my home."  

On our way out I remember walking down Dee's driveway to my co-workers car when she turned and said, "Bye Molly!"  I asked, "Who's Molly?"  She replied, "Molly used to live at The Creek, she's Dee's dog."  I turned to look, but never saw her.

A few days later, the day before Dee's planned arrival, I received word that Dee passed away suddenly.  I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, she really didn't want to leave her home."  Sometime afterward, I truly can't remember if it was hours or days, I remember my co-worker speaking with a member of Dee's family via telephone.  At the end of the conversation she told me that the family planned to put Molly down.  Instantly, the animal lover in me was front and center, I thought to myself, "I must find this dog a home."  I replied, "My mom just lost our dog, maybe she'd be interested?"  I immediately got on the phone to ask my mom if she wanted a dog?" and to no surprise, she had a ton of questions for me: breed, gender, age, etc.  To be honest, I couldn't answer any of her questions because I didn't know the answers, I simply knew that there was a dog that needed a home!  

Some time after that, again, I don't remember if it was hours or days, a family member of Dee's arrived at my office door with what I thought, at the time, was an ugly little dog.  I don't remember much, if anything, about the introduction/acclimation stage, I just remember thinking, "This is a good little dog."  A few days later, my executive director said we could keep Molly as our "community pet."  I remember being so happy that this little dog had a place to live that I hugged her (if you know me, this is rare!).  From that moment on, it was me and Molly.  Because I was the one who brought Molly into this situation, I made sure to take good care of her.  I made sure she had food, water, walks, baths, clean doggy beds, regular vet visits, etc.  It wasn't long before I was head over heels for this curly-haired mutt.

I could continue to gush about how much I love this little dog, but I will spare you for the simply reason that if I continue to write, I will feel as if I were writing her eulogy and probably start crying...  At work... A big no, no as far as I'm concerned.

Knowing a piece of Molly and I's history together may help you to better understand the turmoil happening within me.  Do I rob my furkid of the life, I tried so hard to preserve and enhance?  Ugh, I'm just so torn.

That is all.

Sauerkraut