Another Stupid Pointless Post

Sauerkraut Here!

I need something to post about, currently I have nothing… This is why I haven’t posted. I suck.

• Valentine’s Day was… Over a week ago, ha! I’ll be the first to admit that aside from seeing red and pink all over the place, I’m not a huge fan of the holiday. However, Mr. Coconut took time out of his day to arrange for one of his friends to bring my flowers… I was sitting at my desk when a young guy (my age) walked through the door, handed me a card, some flowers and said, “These are for you.” Instantly I knew something was up because how did this random guy know who I was? I threw my professionalism out the window and said, with an attitude, “Who are you?” He tried to play it off like he was a flower delivery guy but I was wise to his lies. Before I could quiz him on which florist he worked for, a question most guys, unless really employed by florist, couldn’t answer, he was out the door. I also noticed he wasn’t parked out front in a delivery vehicle but walking through our parking lot, interesting. The next thing I see, Mr. Coconut’s car pulling out of the parking lot. I immediately called him and he played dumb to the situation… Until I told him I had just seen his car pull out of the parking lot. Then you could hear the two idiots laughing. Overall, it was very sweet and more importantly, funny… Which I always appreciate.

The card was the best part.  It was one of those cards that allows you to record your own message, here was mine: "Hi babe... I'm trying to be romantic... Anyway... Happy Valentine (yes, it was singular) Day."

• I’m searching for a part-time job (because I don’t make enough money to pay my bills). So far, no luck. Ideally, I’d like to get something that is nights/weekends and is close to home. I’m not being too picky about my next job, but I’m still having a difficult time finding one.

• I miss my nephews. Living so far away, having a full-time job and being dirt poor doesn’t allow me much opportunity to visit them. It really bothers me that I can’t be in their lives as much as I’d like to. I guess my biggest fear is that they’re going to grow up not knowing who I am. I understand that they’re both so young, but I feel like I’m missing out on so much. My brother and The Neighbor Girl are both really good at sending me little photos and videos, but nothing compares to spending time with them in person. Hopefully, by the time they are old enough to have memories, which in Izzy’s case is soon, I will be in a better situation that allows me to spend more time with them.

• Because of President’s Day, I had a three-day weekend. I was really excited to get an extra day off from work (considering last week sucked ass), but very upset that I got a day off for President’s Day and not Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Again… I live in a racist state. Here’s the thing, I really enjoy a four-day work week and a three-day weekend, it’s perfect and I wish it was like that all the time. For the holiday my mom and my dog came to visit me. I was stressed to the max about my mother coming to visit because I don’t know how to entertain her. She claims she doesn’t need to be entertained, but who doesn’t need to be entertained? I spent the weekend doing a little shopping, watching crap ass movies (Social Network, Eat, Prey, Love and For Colored Girls) eating lots of food and hanging out with my mom and dog. Now the weekend is over, my family is gone (I love my puppy, but carrying him up and down the stairs was killing my back!) and I’m back to work… Actually, I’m doing everything but working: blogging, updating my WishPot List, organizing my Inbox, etc.

• There is a cake decorating class here in town that I really, really want to take… I just purchased the fucking cake class. Fuck my impulse buying.

• Driving a semi-trailer truck would make me nervous… Driving a short bus made me nervous, so many mirrors.

• Some of my new goals include: giving up soda, coffee (which I love, love, love) and eating out (this will be SO tough. I repeat, SO tough). Fuck my life.

Is this enough blogging? Because honestly, I’m over it.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

"The Elastic Trick"

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Keep it funky, girls have secrets. We die our hair; wear padded bras, high heels, etc. Well, just when I thought I had learned all the tricks of the trade, I discovered I was wrong.

I like to clean my apartment on Thursdays so I have a clean pad for the weekend, just in case, by some miracle, someone stops by. Last night I washed my sheets, instead of washing my clothes, so today I had to wear pants that were a little to snug. Basically, I’ve been grouchy all day because my fucking pants are too tight.

As I was walking down the hall grumbling about how tight my pants are my co-worker introduced to me to, “The Elastic Trick.”

Apparently, when your pants are too tight you take a hair tie, I’m sure a rubber band would work just as well, wrap it around the button, thread the other end through the button hole and wrap the other end around the button as well.

Poof! Your pants are bigger… And you’re not walking around the office with your pants undone, like I was. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Boobies!

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There are lots of crazy little things happening in my life but unfortunately I cannot speak of them… Yet.

What I can tell you is that I’ve woken up several times in the past few weeks with my boob hanging out of my tank top, how does this happen? I wake up, walk past the mirror, pause, think to myself “Wait, was that my boob?” Go back, and sure enough, there it is. Classy.

Speaking of boobs I ended up at the strip club on Saturday night. I didn’t want to spend the weekend all alone at my house so I asked Tar-J if she would hang with me. I genuinely like Tar-J and I saw this as a good opportunity to get to know her. Plus, I know how it can be when you’re in a relationship; sometimes you just need girl time! So, Saturday morning/afternoon we had brunch at Bruges Waffles and Frites.

Side note: These guys used to have a little street cart at the Downtown Farmers Market and I remember PDX would stop at it every time we went. Now they’ve done so well that they have their own little restaurant. I still think of PDX every time I go there.) Moving on…

After brunch we hit up a couple of thrift stores and one of the shop owners had a bulldog! I think it was a sign. We walked in the store and as soon as the glare from the sun left my eyes there sat an English bulldog, her name was “Hana” and I loved her. Had Tar-J not been with me, the shop owners probably would have kicked me out because all I wanted to do was hang with the bulldog.

After an afternoon of shopping I went home and got ready for a friend of Mr. Coconut’s birthday party. We went to TGI Friday’s and I got a salad! I repeat, I got a salad! Anyways, after dinner we all headed to the strip club, joy! I actually don’t mind the strip club… I just envy the girls boob jobs, point out that they have no ass and study their “dance” moves.

After dinner I went to the club, if you don’t know I HATE “The Club.” So I stayed for about… 20 minutes. On Sunday I went swimming in the most disgusting pool I’ve ever swam in (and that’s saying a lot because I’ve swam in a ton of pools), went grocery shopping, overdrew my account and went home to paint my nails while Mr. Coconut “watched” (meaning it’s on, but he’s sleeping) the Super Bowl. I think I also made dinner… Yup, I did.

I miss my little Valentine’s AKA Izzy and Dweedle.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Yesterday I went to get lunch for some of the folks in the office and I got myself a sandwich, this is how the lady spelled my name:

Neat-O.

Gotcha Day!

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* I actually wrote this post yesterday, but never posted it*

February 2nd is my dogs “Gotcha Day.” If you don’t know what a Gotcha Day is it’s the day that you got your dog. Because most of us don’t know when our dogs were born, my mom and I celebrate our dogs “Gotcha Day” instead of his birthday.

Puppy picture.  This is the picture they posted in the paper to try and adopt him out.  My moms co-worker walked into work and said, "Hey there's a chocolate lab down at the shelter that is scheduled to die this afternoon if someone doesn't go get him."  Mom went and got him and he spent the first few hours of his time with us in a KMart shopping cart."  Tear.

So, I spent all day trying to figure out what year my mom and I got my dog. My mom lost the paperwork, surprise! And here’s what we know:

- We got him after we moved into our house (1994)

- I think I was in junior high school (1994-1997)

- I think I was in 8th/9th grade (1995/1997)

- The vet says he’s 13, so that would be 1998… But mom says we got him neutered a year before that at a different vet, so that would be 1997.

- My brother says we got him after he “moved to Boise,” (ha!) in 1997.

Can you see why we’re so confused? So we’ve either had him for 13, 14, or 15 years! I personally think we got him in 1997, meaning we’ve had him for 14 years.

Puppy at the vet.

The average life span for a Labrador Retriever is 10-12 years. Sigh. In other words, I probably won’t be writing about his Gotcha Day next year. My poor puppy still thinks he’s a pup but the reality is, he can barely stand/walk, he takes anti-inflammatory medication, pain medication, and glucose supplements. Plus, he won’t eat, unless I put yummy stuff in his food. Still, sometimes I have to spoon feed it to him before he’ll eat it, brat.

It’s hard to imagine life without a brown, furry lump by my side because he’s been there with me for so long. I have so many memories with him:

- The time I vacuumed his fur… To this day he’s terrified of the vacuum, oops. I didn’t know it would scare him that bad.

- The time I tried to make him swim in the canal, he didn’t do so well.

- Washing him in the shower downstairs at my grandparents and at the dog salon.

- Driving with him next to me in the Rustinator (my car in high school).

- Sitting on the back steps of my house right before I left for college (to this day I still feel awful for leaving him)

- Him visiting me my first year of college.

- The time he ate an entire vanilla ice cream cone in one gulp.

- Walking him in the park.

So, how am I dealing with the reality that he’s dying? I’m not. I’m blocking it out and pretending it’s not happening, typical Sauerkraut. Deep down I know that one day I will get a call that he’s gone or that he’s in bad shape and that it’s time to kill him, but I’m hoping that call doesn’t come for awhile. The truth is I hope he goes on his own. I don’t want my puppy to suffer, but I also don’t want to murder him.

We were having fun painting.

For now, I’m going to suck up as much time as I can with him. In fact, he’s coming to visit me for Presidents Day, so that should be fun.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Rough Day

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Yesterday started out super great, I literally fell out of my house, who the fuck falls out of their house? Apparently I do. I was locking my door when I think I put too much pressure on my right ankle and I could feel it starting to twist. To prevent this I guess I did some weird movement that resulted in me landing on my back on the cold concrete outside my apartment. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move, my purse went flying, my blanket was sprawled open and when I could finally move, I sat there (on the ice cold concrete) holding my ass for a good 2-3 minutes. Eventually I got up, collected my belongings and hobbled my way to the car with a bruised tailbone… It still hurts.

When I got to work I called my property manager and left him a really mean message… “Hi *** this is Sauerkraut on RopePork Avenue, I still don’t have heat and it’s been a month. It went out on New Year’s Eve and it took 4 days for someone to come “fix” it, but it wasn’t fixed. They came back and “fixed” it, again, it’s still not fixed. You called a week later, I told you it wasn’t fixed, you said you’d call them, nothing! A week later your receptionist called to check on the status of my heat and I told her that you called, you were supposed to call them and it’s still not fixed. Now, I’m pissed! I want heat and I want it today! You have broken the lease because these are unlivable conditions, I pay my rent and I’m a good tenant. I want my heat today! Click.

For lunch Sheek Geek and I went To Mikado (Japanese Restaurant and Sushi Bar), he was so excited when he discovered we work near one and he begged me to go. He had some weird sushi shit and some green peas covered in salt, they assigned them a fancy name so they could charge $9 for them, but really they were nothing more than squishy green peas covered in salt. I had… Nothing… We stopped at Sonic on the way back to the office, ha!

When I got back to the office I continued my shit ass day by finishing my babysitting task. Basically, I was assigned the task to check three different places and ensure that a co-worker of mine was doing their job, I was babysitting. It took me all day to do this stupid task and when I sent out my report it got torn apart… By someone who only received the email to be in the loop. The best part is, the column they were upset about… Had nothing to do with my task, it was there before I added on my part of the report. Joy! P.S. Did I mention I’m a Receptionist? An under paid Receptionist?

I didn’t give a rats’ ass what this person was saying and I took the opportunity to walk out at the first moment of silence, assuming the conversation was over. Apparently, it wasn’t because I spent the next five minutes getting my ass chewed for walking out. Am I two?

Again, I just sat there holding back my laughter at how ridiculous the situation was and then I went back to my desk, but not before asking for permission… Because I’m two.

After work I stopped by the phone store and ended up trading in my trusty Blackberry Pearl for a newer Blackberry. I had my Pearl for 3 years and I took really good care of it, but it was slowly dying, so now I have the potato phone… It’s big, like a potato.

Meet "The Potato Phone."

When I got home I had every intention of going to Home Depot to buy a new filter for my furnace, but I got too pooped. Why am I buying a new filter? Because my mother told me to suck it up, “I got my heat so just suck it up and buy the damn filter.” Basically here’s what happened… The guy fixed the heat and told Mr. Coconut that I needed a new filter but that I had to purchase it because the property managers didn’t want to pay him to go buy one and install it. Again, pissed off I called the slumlords and asked them why I had to purchase the filter, “Because you’re supposed to replace those every 60-90 days.” You’re a fucking idiot. Not only was this not in the lease, but from the looks of it my filter hasn’t been replaced since the 70’s (check my next post for a photo) and I have only lived there for 102 days. I understand that this is only a few dollars, but that’s not the point! The point is, my lease says “The cost of repairs, restorations and replacements shall be paid for by Owner if rendered necessary by normal wear and tear.” So… I want my $11.72 back.

Anyways, it was a rough day.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

I Got Benefits Bitch!

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The beauty of a laptop is that it sits on your lap and can go with you anywhere… Right now I’m using mine while on the toilet, classy.

Guess what… “I got benefits bitch! Dental and health.” That’s an Ice Cube quote if you’re not into that sort of things, which you should be, but whatever. Anyways, my mother called to tell me that I had mail at my house in Idaho and it turns out it was my insurance cards, joy! My mother was relieved that I made it damn near two years with no major accidents and that I am now insured.

Also, The Neighbor Girl posted some new photos of my nephew on his first date. Please notice that not only is there bread and butter on his plate, but that he didn’t bother wearing pants… I’d be scared to, hence the look on the little girls face.

I shall now go to bed because I have a big day tomorrow, I’m going to flip shit on my slumlord.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  I didn't get a single callback regarding any of the jobs I applied for.  Fuck my life.

Bread And Butter

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I’ve determined that I need a second job, because I’m broke and I’m just not making ends meet as a receptionist, I mean “Office Coordinator.” So, yesterday I applied for four part-time jobs:

- A server at a Brazilian restaurant. I actually hated working as a waitress, but I knew I wouldn’t woof down the food, so I applied.
- A clerk at a tanning salon. Temptation.

- A Baking Assistant. This sounds so fun to me.

- A Cake Decorator. My top choice!

Anyways, I hope one of them calls me back because I could really use some additional income flowing in. And now you’ll realize why I’m always broke…

Last night I signed up for a “fondant and gum paste” cake decorating class. Before I lost my job, forcing me to move home, I was taking some cake decorating classes at the local craft store, unfortunately I never got to take the last one, so last night I signed up for it. I’ll be honest, I probably won’t learn a damn thing, but I feel like I need to complete all four classes just to say I did. Maybe I’ll have the opportunity to practice Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s wedding cake?

 I also purchased some canvases and paint for my next project, I bet you can’t guess what it’s going to become?

In other news, my uncle loves to spy on my cousins using Facebook (the exact reason I don’t have a Facebook page). Apparently, my cousin has his stepdad listed as his father. My mother asked me why this was and I said, “probably because J** is his stepDAD and his biological father is a freak about “Big Brother” type shit and will never get a Facebook page for T**** to have the opportunity to label him as his “Dad.”

Anyways, my mother wanted me to ask my cousin, reluctantly I did. Let’s just say he wasn’t too excited about it and I don’t blame him. Overall, I think my mom is worried that my grandmother will see that T**** labeled J** as his “Dad,” and be hurt by it. Again, my response, “First grandma has to go downstairs and then she has to figure out how to turn the computer on.”

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  The other day my brother called and said, “This is all your fault!”  Okay?  Apparently my nephew loves bread (as do I) and he ate an entire package of hot dog buns.  This is a problem because?  In addition, my nephew loves butter!  Loves it!  When you're not looking he'll run to the refrigerator, grab a stick of butter and lick it.  Then he’ll rub it all over his body and eat it off his body.  Seriously buddy?  What the fuck?  To be honest, it's not his fault he's weird, its just in his blood.  Sigh.

P.P.S.  My first attempt at using hot rollers.  I suck.