Kidney Stones and Drug Deals

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It’s been rough. This diet has been really hard on me and not necessarily for reasons you would think. Sure I’m craving every delicious food under the sun including a jug of chicken broth but because I’m very restricted in what I’m allowed to eat it makes it very hard to nourish my body with the proper nutrients so I’m very tired and very weak. Since I discovered I could have organic, un-cured chicken from the meat department at Whole Foods I’ve been treating myself to white rice (organic, nothing on it) and grilled chicken, again, nothing on it, each night.

Last night after work I drove my tired ass to Whole Foods bought my chicken, drove straight home, tossed it on the George Foreman, that I haven’t used since college, and ate it up…

About 30 minutes later I was lying in bed when my cahootie started feeling weird, like I needed to pee, but when I tried, nothing happened. The pain quickly spread into the lower half of my left side, between my cahootie and rib cage. At first I thought I had food poisoning from the chicken I ate, but this felt different. Normally when I get food poisoning I get the boo boo’s and maybe barf once or twice, then it’s over. This was different… So I called my mom and explained to her my symptoms: I had the shooting pain (similar to menstrual cramps, which I Heart to Fart knows all about) that had now spread into my back, I tried peeing, I tried pooping, I tried the heating pad and nothing seemed to work. Mom suggested I try a pain pill and to no surprise I declined. Things started getting so bad she made me call Mr. Coconut to come stay with me, “just in case” and call her back to verify he was coming. Things continued to get worse and I could not do anything to make myself feel better, I just laid there on my side in a ball moaning in pain (I’m sure my neighbors thought I was having sex).

When Mr. Coconut arrived I made him communicate with my mother because I was too weak and in too much pain to hold the phone. She insisted I take a pain pill; unfortunately all I had was some left over pain pills from my surgery that I remember made me sick. In an effort to get them to both shut up I took a pill and sought comfort in my squishy bed. It was long after that I felt some barf on its way and by the time I determined I was correct in my prediction it was too late, I barfed in my mouth. I jumped up and ran for the bathroom but again, it was too late… I barfed in my tiny mouth again. I couldn’t hold it all in so it splattered all over the bathroom floor and apparently the door as I discovered this morning… I continued vomiting violently and yes, I barfed out the pill.

After the most intense barf session of my life I started to feel better (or blacking out, I’m not sure) when Mr. Coconut came to retrieve me from the coolness of my barfed covered bathroom floor. Again the pain started up again and it seemed to be worse but only because I was now convulsing in pain and freezing. Again, I called my mom who begged me to take another pain pill and again I barfed. By the end of this barfing session, which was not as bad as the first, I had barfed up every ounce of food in my system because it was down to bright yellow bile. The pain continued and it was at this point I knew something was wrong. With no insurance to my name I reluctantly asked Mr. Coconut to take me to the hospital.

I’m not sure if the fact that it was now 1AM helped, or we, by some miracle, hit all green lights along the way, but we got up there pretty damn fast. Now that I think about it Mr. Coconut’s crippled ass was probably having the time of his life flying down the road with his fucked up, barfed covered girl next to him.

When I checked into the ER the pain was unbearable, I couldn’t stand straight and I couldn’t open my eyes. The best way to describe it is… I’d rather pass out than deal with it. While waiting I barfed up some more bile in the bathroom and found solace on the floor of the Emergency Room.

Mr. Coconut: I’m looking for my girlfriend

ER Admissions Guy: She must have gone to the bathroom… Oh no, she’s over there on the floor.

Classy. When they took me in which seemed like forever, but was really pretty fast I couldn’t understand why they were taking my vitals and blood and not giving me something for the pain. By the time they came in to talk to me the pain had begun to fade away.

Awhile later I was asked to do a pregnancy test (routine for girls my age having stomach problems). When I went to put the lid on the urine sample I notice something in my cup! It looked like a rolled up baby potato bug. I thought to myself what the hell is that!? Should I dump this!? That’s embarrassing, but I’m out of pee! Deciding that I was in the ER and they had probably seen it all I left it in there.

A few hours later the lab results were back and apparently there was something wrong with my blood indicating something was off in my kidney region I also had blood in my urine. When the doctor said this I did remember seeing something in the toilet that morning and considering I’m a bleeder I thought to myself, is that blood? But it’s not my time of the month. To make a long story short I had a kidney stone and it was the most painful experience, worse than my surgery.

After some minor research I think this diet I’m on had something to do with it because 1) I’ve never had one. 2) I haven’t been drinking as much fluids as I should. 3) Because of my new, low iodine diet I’ve been eating more protein to keep my strength up (egg whites, chicken, etc.) and drinking nothing but Ginger Ale. Fucking cancer.

In other news my car is still in the shop and I hate my rental car. To make matters worse I was trying to rescue a dog running in a busy street when I backed over a flower pot and damaged the car. So, on top of my latest hospital bill I will more than likely have to pay for a crappy rental car. Joy!

Funny old people stories:

1) Carol to her friend in the hallway as I walked by: “There goes our dancer… And she has a nice butt!”

2) “My walker it stuttering!” It really was, it was SO loud! I replaced her tennis balls. Oh! And when I asked her how her new balls were she started giggling like a school girl, “Hush, he’s right there.” Referring to our maintenance man.

3) While reading the newspaper to the old folks… First article is about a US Space Shuttle, the second article is about a local kidnapping. There was a good 5-10 minutes between these two articles when one of our residents pipes up! “What does a space shuttle have to do with a kidnapping!?”

4) A resident walks passed my office, passing the receptionist and eventually wandering outside. When I realize he’s standing in the parking lot in his white tube socks I confront him. He then informs me that he’s going to In and Out Burger… With no money, just a walker and pair of white tube socks. Knowing this gentleman I know he’s not going to come back inside so I offer to take him over there so he doesn’t have to cross the extremely busy street out front. So, off we went.

5) The best one… We have a resident with severe dementia. You will have a conversation with her and five minutes later have the same conversation with her, this goes on all day. Well, one day I noticed she was continually asking the receptionist and any other person who happened to walk by if they had good vision and to come take a look at something across the street. Eventually I went to see what was going on and as I stood there with her she asked me to watch the people in aprons across the street. “They keep going behind the building and reappearing.” I stood there, watching, and indeed this was happening. “Look! Did you see that!? A hand went into the car! It’s a drug deal!” Trying not to laugh I said to her, “Honey, that’s In and Out Burger and those are employees taking orders and exchanging money for hamburgers.” Sadly, this continued for several days and the only way we could get her to leave the front door to go eat was to tell her we had reported the situation to the police. This too faded; eventually our Executive Director took her over there for a milkshake. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

50's Party

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A few Saturday's ago we had a 50's themed 10th Anniversary Celebration at the old folks home, here's my outfit:

Seriously.  Could my boobs be any bigger?  Sigh.

Friend I Heart to Fart came to the celebration and told me a little story about how he saw a girl with fucked up hair, when she turned around, it was me... Asshole!  Personally I thought my hair was neat-o and super fun.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Battle Of Iodine

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It’s day three of battle.

The first day was rough, I was wounded twice: once by Olive Garden left overs and another time by a glass of pink lemonade at a wedding (fuck I wanted that ham sandwich on a croissant).

However, the next day I awoke hell bound and determined to survive the Battle of Iodine! I embarked on my mission shooting down the enemy (hunger) with nasty: apples, bananas, grapes, white rice and some Irish Oatmeal I thought I’d enjoy because the Irish blood runs thick through my body.

Now it’s day three in the trenches and my body has gone into what I believe is starvation mode, for fuck sake, my pants are starting to fit! Just when I thought my strength had left me for dead, much like my platoon (In and Out Burger, Chick-fil-A, and every other fast food restaurant out there), I received communication from headquarters to seek refuge at a nearby Camp Whole Foods. Upon arrival I discovered several items to nourish my body back to health (although not many and nothing that comes near to a Krispy Kreme Doughnut).

When my rucksack was full I hid in my tent gobbling down my new finds: Matzo bread (which is really like a giant saltine cracker), natural peanut butter and honey. Perhaps the gluttony got the best of me when I chomped down a chocolate covered coffee bean because I was immediately disgusted spitting it out.

Now that my strength is somewhat restored I will continue to fight in the trenches, defeating hunger and gaining radiation for all. Hooah!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Is This Karma? If So, I Did Something REALLY Fucked Up!

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I went to the radiologist today and I decided that my life currently blows. What’s next on my plate? I’m going off the medication that has replaced my thyroid (so I’ll be all fucked up!); I’m on a “low iodine diet…” for two weeks! Fuck my life! I’m such bitch when I’m on a diet and no French fries… Stay the fuck away from me! A smoothie full of radioactive iodine, a blood test, a full body scan, another blood test, a follow-up appointment with the surgeon, and another blood test. Oh fun!

The best part… When this is all over with, I will finally have insurance. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Little Ketchup

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Recently I’ve become too busy/pooped to post. I want to, but I have SO much going on in my life. So, I will do some simple bullet points.

- I am homesick. I want nothing more than to spend a week with my mom/grandparents and another week with my nephews. The reality that I have no family or friends in the city is really sinking in. I guess you could count Mr. Coconut, but I only see him for a few hours about once a week.

- Working in a senior living community I learned several things:

1) I wish guys were as romantic as they used to be. Every day I encounter men who want nothing more than to sit and reminisce about their wife, push their wife around in a wheelchair or join them in death. Yesterday I spoke with a man who meet his wife and proposed to her on their first date, they were married for 70 years. Even more romantic… He had a book 2” thick where every single “love letter” he and his wife had ever written to each other while on their LDS missions were placed. So precious. I would kill to have something like that from my grandparents.

2) I need to work my ass off and save my money so I can take care of my mother and uncle when they are old. Plan A… Build them little houses, behind mine. Plan B… A very nice assisted living community.

3) I will die alone. No husband, no kids. In the slim chance that I grow old, I will die alone. If I’m lucky I will have a kind neighbor who will help me, but considering the world is going to shit, I will probably get a neighbor who will take advantage of my decline, stuff me in an awful nursing home and steal my money.

- To celebrate my mother’s birthday she wanted to ride a zipline, pretty cool request coming from a mom in her 50’s. I was the only one in the group who wasn’t nervous/scared and by the second run I was zooming down the mountain upside down. It was a super fun experience and I loved experiencing it with my mom, who was having the time of her life.

- I’ve decided how I will be celebration my 30th birthday, stay tuned.

- Some lady backed into my car the other day. Awesome. Just what I need right now.

- I’ve booked a trip with my two best buddies (I Hear to Fart and PDX) in early October, it will be awful.

- Mr. Coconut had his hip replacement a week ago; he is doing well but is ready to leave the rehabilitation center I stuck him in. Mind you it’s the nicest facility in the city with an excellent rehabilitation program.

- I’ve decided to put my fear of beating an LDS Missionary into the sidewalk for attempting to recruitment me (thanks PDX for never trying) and take advantage of the opportunities I have in my own backyard… I’ve decided to research my genealogy. I’m also saving my money for a DNA test!

- My scar from surgery has healed but my neck is still tender, bruised and full of scar tissue. I went to the doctor on Monday and my doctor informed me that I had cancer on that side as well, so it’s a good thing I went back in. Tomorrow is my first appointment with the radiologist.

- I’ve had three bloody noses in the three days.

- Today a resident living at my senior living community almost died in my arms. I was sitting in my office when I heard the receptionist call my name. When I got to her I found my resident drenched in sweat unable to move. Before I could get him a chair he fell to the ground (gently, I was hanging onto him) and started choking, farting and pooing himself (poor little guy). I rolled him on his side and instructed the receptionist to call 911 and get a nurse while I tried to speak to him. At first I thought it was diabetic shock but quickly realized it was a stroke/heart attack. Surprisingly I remained very calm and luckily we didn’t lose him.

- I’m still working at the flower store, but today I was transferred to a different location. It’s closer to my house, but I don’t like it.

Now I’m tired and I want to go to sleep so that is all.

Sauerkraut

Surgery Part 2

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Tuesday was my surgery. The morning of I was pretty grouchy (no surprise there), I wanted to hurry up and get it over with but at the same time I was really annoyed that I had to do this all again. Everything went the same as it did before, but this time was a lot rougher on me than the first. 

So high.

To begin, the anesthesiologist came into my room to give me my IV (1… We’re counting the needle stabs because I HATE needles) and he stabbed through my vain, neat-o. So the other anesthesiologist had to insert my IV (2) into my other arm.

At this point I suppose I was given drugs because I remember nothing.

When I woke up from surgery, it was awful. I could feel my entire body shaking with tremors and I remember someone telling me that they would give me something for that. I’m not sure when they gave me something, but eventually they went away.

Then I remember telling someone I didn’t feel good. The next thing I know I was breathing in alcohol. They put an alcohol pad under my nose to make me feel better, what the fuck!? Is that healthy? Is that legal? I remember smelling it, throwing it off my face and telling someone “I don’t want this thing.” After some lady came to take my blood (3), I barfed, barfed some more and barfed some more. Thanks for the alcohol strip; it worked like a fucking charm.

Then I sat there, with my pan of barf, crying, hysterically, for over an hour and a half while they ignored me, seriously. It’s like they placed me right in front of the clock to torture me. They also placed me next to some lady who was making the most disturbing noises, had a doctor with the most annoying voice ever who wouldn’t shut the fuck up and go away, and she peed herself! Then she was having a shit fit because she didn’t want the male CNA to help her clean up… Fucking Mormons. I just wanted my barf pan emptied and mom!

The next thing I knew I was being asked to move myself, right after surgery, from my surgery bed to an ambulance stretcher… With my pan of barf! I was then transported into an ambulance and informed that there are hallways connecting the two hospitals but someone died during transport and now they use an ambulance to transport patients instead, awesome, thanks for sharing. So I took a quick ambulance ride… Where I focused entirely on the number of people that had died in the ambulance and my barf not sloshing out of its pan onto my gown. When I arrived at my new hospital again, I was asked to move myself off the stretcher and onto my new bed and yes; I still had my pan of barf.

Once I found myself in a new hospital, in a new room with a new bed lots of people were rushing in and out. Then Mr. Coconut walked in. At first I thought he was the doctor but then I realized my doctor was not big or brown. When I realized it was him I burst into tears and started screaming for my mom. Poor Mr. Coconut was scared shitless (I don’t think he’s ever seen me that hysterical before), he was trying to help me by going to look for my mom but I wouldn’t let him leave me, he didn’t know what to do. When my mom walked in the room it was full of people, one of whom was taking my blood (4) and by then I had had it! I was yelling, screaming and crying because I just wanted to be alone with my people.

As soon as everyone left I told my mom how mean they were to me and how much pain I was in and blah, blah, blah. I don’t remember much after that because I think they gave me some morphine to calm me down and when I woke up, someone was taking my blood (5).

The next several hours were very painful. Not only was my neck in pain from the incision but apparently the anesthesia settles… And it settled in the back of my head. It was the most uncomfortable feeling… I’m trying to think of how to describe it… It was very tender and it felt like my skull was aching yet I couldn’t get to it to rub it for comfort, meanwhile it felt like it was about to explode from pressure. Seriously, I wondered if my ears and eyes were going to pop off.

The pain lasted for several hours and several doses of pain medication, which made me barf by the way. A lot of barfing this time around, a lot. But I started feeling better the next morning at around 4:30AM… When I was awoken by a guy coming in to take more of my blood (6). Apparently I have tiny, deep swimming veins and my red blood cells like to explode and clot? P.S. My hand is still tender and bruised.

The tube in my neck/bloody Easter egg.

When my mom arrived at around 6:00AM I was ready to get the hell out of there. I wanted nothing to do with my ET Finger (I was convinced it was cutting off my circulation), I no longer wanted a tube in my neck, my ass was numb from laying in that bed, I was sick of wearing those stupid socks with the grip tape on the bottom of them and was over those stupid boots you have to wear to keep your blood moving. But alas, we weren’t released until about Noon.

Now I am home. I’m taking lots of different medications and trying to take it easy. It’s already Friday and I’m not looking forward to returning to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my jobs, but it’s nice to lay down when I get tired.

My next appointment is on August 22nd. It’s nothing major, I think they’ll just remove my bandage, talk about the surgery, the medication and my next steps.

From my understanding my next step will be to visit another doctor who will cover the radiation aspect of the process. It’s not what it used to be… Apparently you used to be locked in a room, away from your friends and family, left to drink a liquid delivered to you by people in space suits. Now, I will have the take a pill or drink something, probably drink something. Yes, I will be radioactive for a period of time, so I can’t be around anyone and no one can eat off my dishes and such for a period of time, but whatever.

After radiation I will be left to take a medication, every day, for the rest of my life (hopefully it’s a short one). I’m sure it will take a while to find the correct one (type/dosage) and I will need to do some regular screenings to ensure I’m cancer free, but I guess that’s the way it goes. The nurse said it will be about 3 months before I start to feel “normal” again.

Personally, my concerns are my energy level and my weight. If you’ve known me for a long time I’ve never been the one to run out of energy and need a nap. Now, I get worn out very easy. I also have mood swings (this is normal I guess) I’ll be grouchy, then hyper and then need a nap.

I’ve been thinking of little things I can do to lose some of this weight, I’ve never been this big in my life and it’s very uncomfortable and upsetting. At this point I’m going to try: not eating out, cooking healthier meals and swimming. Swimming is natural for me, it takes me forever to get in the water, but once I’m there, I’ll stay for hours and it’s a good full body workout that isn’t too hard on your body.

I’m also reading (no jokes please) a book on thyroid type crap. So far, I’m very confused by the book, here’s why… I’ve had this nodule growing in my neck since my early days in college and many of the things I’ve been dealing with over the past few years are “symptoms of a thyroid imbalance:”

- Always fatigued or exhausted

- Irritable and impatient

- Feeling too hot or too cold

- Depressed, anxious or panicky

- Bothered by changes in my skin or hair

- At the mercy of my moods

- Inexplicably gaining or losing weight

- Losing enthusiasm for life

- Sleeping poorly or insomniac

However, according to my blood work my thyroid was functioning fine. So, are these things I’ve been dealing with results of my fucked up ness or my thyroid?

In other news, Mr. Coconut brought me flowers in the hospital…

Sauerkraut: “Thanks for the flowers.”

Mr. Coconut: “Read the card!”

Sauerkraut: I open it, “There’s nothing on it?” Seriously, he didn’t write anything on the card, it was blank.

Mr. Coconut: “Read the outside of the card.” Meaning the envelope.

Sauerkraut: “The Black Iris?”

Mr. Coconut: “Yes! They are Black Irish’s!” He’s so proud of himself in this moment.

Sauerkraut: “Okay these are Gerber daisies and the name of the store that made them is the Black Iris, not the Black Irish!” Sigh. He tries so hard.

I also got a yummy cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes from my co-workers at the old folk’s home and I received a birthday card from Sheek Geek and Tar-J… Three months early, haha! I love it. Seriously, I love it. The best part… they thought they were late sending it. Dying! I will treasure it forever.

That is all (for now).

Sauerkraut

Short Catch Up

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Holy fuckness! I’m the worst poster lately, please don’t stop reading.

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been working late at the old people home to make up for the hours I’ll miss for my surgery, which is just around the corner. I’m also still working at the flower shop. It’s a shit ass company and the pay blows, but I really like my co-workers and I enjoy working with flowers.

Speaking of my surgery… After one of my residents asked me, “What happened to your face?” I informed her that I had just had surgery and after a small interrogation she discovered damn near everything about me, minus my menstrual cycle. So, for the past three weeks “she’s been praying for me” and continues to invite me to her church services “just around the corner. Today she brought me a card… I wish I could tell you what it said, but I have no fucking clue. Based on what I can read, it appears that her and her church group will be praying for me.

On the other hand… Good friend PDX said, “If I were still a praying person, I would pray, but instead I'm having conversations with the Universe that it owes me some good karma for dealing with my fucked-up family and so things should go well for you.” Oh shit! I’m rolling with laughter.

So, how I’m feeling about my surgery? To be honest, I’m blocking it out. And when I do slip up and think about it I get irritated and angry. The best way to describe it is this… Have you ever been invited to a wedding, baby shower, etc. for someone you really know and you REALLY don’t want to go and you sure as hell don’t want to by a gift? Well, that’s how I feel. Obligated, irritated and angry. Moving on…

I saw my first dead body the other day. My boss informed me when I walked into work on Thursday that we would “be stopping by S** E****’s viewing before we headed out to do our outreach.” Despite my love/fascination for the afterlife, I wasn’t too amped about seeing the embalmed body of a woman I didn’t know. And considering I’m the most unsympathetic person alive I really didn’t want to hug/offer the family my condolences. Anyways, I didn’t really see the body; I focused on the family… But I could see her white bouffant out of the corner of my eye, creepy.

Okay, so this post blows, but my work day is over and I have a 2+ hour drive ahead of me so I need to go.

That is all.

Sauerkraut