The Surgery

Sauerkraut Here!

It’s been a long two days. On Tuesday morning my mom and I headed to the University of Utah Hospital for what would be my first major surgery, unless you count having my tonsils taken out when I was nine.

Goodbye pretty neck. 

I had what’s called a left thyroid lobotomy. Basically, they took out one of my thyroids, it’s gone. There are two main reasons I had this surgery… One, these things (thyroid nodules) are not supposed to get over 4cm and mine was “pushing 6cm.” So size alone was one of the reasons for this surgery. After my surgery they discovered that my nodule was much larger than they originally thought and that it had actually moved my trachea, neat-o.

The other reason for my surgery was the risk of cancer. When I had my fine needle biopsy it was reported that I have, or had, a follicular neoplasm that carries a 15-20% risk of cancer. Although my biopsy came back benign, the doctors needed to study the cells surrounding the cells that were taken during the biopsy and the only way to do this was to remove the nodule. I should have my results back no later than July 5th, I will keep you updated. So, here’s my journey.

Mom told me to smile... At 6AM, THIS is what you get.

We arrived at the hospital around 6:30AM and played the waiting game until a few minutes after 7:00AM when they had a room for me. It was at this time that I was lead into a room (not donated by the LDS Church J) and asked to take off all my clothing, including my chonies, which did not make me happy, and put on my snazzy hospital uniform.

Vouge.

Things were going fine until the doctor came into color on my neck and inform me that not only would I have to stay overnight but that I would have a scar as a result of my surgery. I cried.

Sad face.

The Doc's notes.

Shortly after the doctor visited me the anesthesiologist came into my room to take some of my blood and get me high. It was at this point that I got very upset because I hate needles and having something stuck in my arm for a long period of time makes me very uncomfortable.

The thing that upset me the most was the idea of “going under.” I really didn’t like the idea of not being in control of my body. Plus, I was afraid of being fondled and/or raped.

Crying/laughing at myself during anaesthesia.

I did request that the anesthesiologist get me really high because I didn’t want there to be any chance of me waking up during the procedure. And at some point during our conversation I went to sleep. I don’t even remember her giving me the stuff.

This little electronic bored let my mom know my progression.

The next thing I knew I was in a big room with some lady telling me I was done with my surgery and that it was time for me to wake up. If I recall, I told her, “No, I just really want to sleep.” Apparently that was okay because they didn’t have a room for me.

High as shit.

When I finally got a room I continued to sleep until late into the evening. When I began to wake up I realized I my neck was sore and there was a long tube stuck in it with a bloody Easter egg at the end of it. Apparently this bloody Easter egg was sucking out the blood draining from my neck.

The aftermath, I spared you a photo of the Bloody Easter Egg, which had to be drained by the way.

Mom and I watched a little TV while the nurses came in and out to check on me and take my vitals. I tried to eat some dinner but I wasn’t very hungry. I ate my dinner roll, took some medicine (hydrocodone) and barfed it up ten minutes later.

Something I didn’t enjoy was that the nurses had to measure my “liquids.” So basically I had to pee into a little white bucket and when I barfed, the nurse had to measure my barf… And dig through my barfed up bread to make sure my pill stayed down. Note to self… A job in nursing is not for me.

I didn’t make my mom stay the night with me because I knew I would be okay. Plus, I knew she had had a very long day and could use some good rest in a comfy bed.

Shortly after she left I got sick again. I sent her a text, “I barfed. Should I tell somebody?” When she told me, “yes” I called the poor little nurse into my room and when she opened the door I said, “I barfed… And my mom told me to tell you.”

I didn’t get much sleep, maybe about four hours. For the most part I just sat there staring out at the city below.

Mom was back at the hospital shortly after 6AM to talk to the doctor. But he never showed, he sent his residents instead. Apparently he was still doing operations well into the night. I was hoping the doctor would stop by because he was supposed to take a photo of my nodule and I really wanted to see it. I’m hoping he’ll have it at my follow-up appointment.

It took us awhile to get out of the hospital because we had to wait for them to take the tube out of my neck (AKA The Bloody Easter Egg), my IV, fill my prescription, etc. Then, just when we were heading out, guess who thought they were going to barf, again, for the 7th time, me. I think I just got too hot in my jacket.

My party favors, a mug of ice water and a banana... I lost the banana.

Finally, some handsome dude came to wheel me out of the hospital and away we went.

Not cool.

Now I’m home and I couldn’t be happier. The hospital was as good as it could be and everyone was very nice, but it’s always nice to come home.

I’ve taken some time off work to recover and that’s just what I plan on doing. The doctor said it should take a week/two weeks, but I'm giving myself six days and then it's back to work.  I will keep you updated.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Movin On Up

Sauerkraut Here!

I have a few little updates.

On Thursday I was sitting in the activities room at the old folks home when the executive director called me down to her office. When I got down there she asked me to come in and she closed the door behind us. Honestly, it made me a little nervous. I was thinking to myself: Did I swear? Did I dress unprofessional? What did I do!? But! To my surprise she offered me a promotion! I have been promoted from Assistant Activities Director to the Community Outreach Director.

The girl I’m replacing is moving to Portland, Oregon (jealous) and she’s amazing, I truly have some big shoes to fill. Plus, both my new supervisor and the executive director have been in my position so I’ve really got to do my best to impress them.

Regardless I’m very excited that I landed a marketing position, outside of radio and hopefully I will be able to pay my bills and spoil my nephews.

In other news, I can finally reveal that I recently interviewed at Radio Disney for a Promotions Manager position.

The afternoon after I received my promotion I received a phone call from Radio Disney. Because I was being asked to return the call I had a feeling I was being called with a job offer. Before I called Radio Disney back I had a phone conversation with my mother and together we basically decided that I should stay at the old folks home, because I’m happy there.

When I called Radio Disney back I was informed that I didn’t get the job. To be honest I was relieved that my decision had been made for me and shocked because this was the best rejection ever. Here’s why:

1) She let me know that I didn’t get the job. I hate it when people don’t let you know and you’re left to wonder.

2) She told me over the phone, not in some generic rejection email.

3) She told me why I didn’t get the position, which I greatly appreciate. P.S. The girl that was chosen over me had been with the company for three years.

4) She offered me a part-time position that I turned down. But upon my response she told me that as long as she was with the company I would always have that opportunity should my plans change.

5) She told me I have an excellent reputation in the industry. Apparently she asked several people, not listed as references, their thoughts about me and they all had good things to say. That really shocked me!

6) She informed me about a full-time marketing position with another company.

Seriously, it was the best rejection ever. Moving on…

Today was the first time in what seems like forever that I actually got some sleep. But instead of relaxing I spent the day cleaning and preparing for the week. I’m doing my best to get all of my ducks in a row before my next big adventure! Stay tuned because it’s coming very soon!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  No, I am not pregnant, I'm bleeding as we speak.

The Interview

Sauerkraut Here!

A few you (okay, one of you) asked how my interview went. To be honest, not that great. I think the girl I interviewed with knows that I’m very qualified for the job. Also, because she has worked in the industry she has done many of the same jobs as me so I believe she appreciated my honest answers regarding my past/future. However, I was still pretty pooped from the weekend so my energy level was very low and my answers weren’t as straightforward as I would have liked.

Toward the end of the interview she was very honest with me (which I greatly respect) telling me that I have some good competition (another person with an excellent resume and an internal candidate). After the interview I decided it would be wise to send her a little “thank you” to let her know that I’m grateful for the opportunity, the ideal candidate and very interested in the opportunity. I wanted to go small, but that didn’t happen.

I decided to send her flowers, thinking that would be cheap and give me the opportunity to demonstrate how creative I can be (very important in the marketing world). So, I went into work early to make her a flower arrangement, but not just any flower arrangement a Mini Mouse flower arrangement…

Attached was a handwritten card reading:

“M-I-C (Hope to see you soon.) K-E-Y (Why? Because I’d be a breath of fresh air) R-*-*-*-*. ***, I enjoyed meeting with you yesterday. Together we could make “magical” promotions.

Too much? I think so. But, she did leave me a message thanking me for the “creative” flowers and said she would “talk to me soon.” So, we’ll see.

I decided it would be in my best interest to try my best for this job and have the option to choose between the broadcast job and the old people job.  If I were offered the broadcasting job I would only take it for financial reasons.  If I were to choose a job, for enjoyment, I would stay with the old people home. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dweedle's First Birthday Party

Sauerkraut Here!

I was just looking at Post Secret and they actually have some good posts this time around. Here are a few of my favorites:

This post reminds me of my "father."  He once told me I was "getting a little big."  At the time I was built like a brick shit house.  Today, I would kill for that body.  Regardless, he made me feel awful about myself and I’ve never forgotten that comment.  To this day I secretly hope he never sees my photo because he will be ashamed of what I’ve become.

My “father” has a very distinct voice that I still find very comforting.  Sometimes I watch a stupid video about his birdhouses just to hear it. 

My grandfather is my “father figure.”  He is, without a doubt the definition of a man.  I am so, so blessed to have him in my life.       

My grandfather once asked me is I was a lesbian.  NOT the words I expected to hear come out of his mouth.  Ha ha!  I love him. 

In other news, I just got back from Boise and I’m exhausted. But! There are certain moments in life when you put aside things like money, sleep, etc. and focus on what’s really important. In this case, it was my nephew, Dweedle’s first birthday party.

So, so, so glad my brother found this shirt.  Now both boys have worn it on their first birthday. 

Izzy on his first birthday.

I stayed up late baking cupcakes Thursday night and I left for Boise early Friday morning. When I arrived in Boise I pretty much spent the entire day doing cake stuff. Izzy was very excited about everything going on and couldn’t wait to eat a cupcake!

The cupcakes.  Roar!

He sat by my side for a good chunk of time and watched me “paint” the cake. At one point I left him play with a chunk of fondant, a little rolling pin and a cookie cutter, he thought that was so great.

"Wow Izzy, is that a rock?"  No.  It's a tiger!  Roar!"  Neat-O.

Izzy: “I a good helper Sauerkraut?”

Auntie Sauerkraut: “Yes, buddy, you’re the best helper ever.”

Izzy: “I not Buddy, I ‘Tit-Tan’.”

AKA Tristan.

I love spending time with my nephew. I love watching him grow, seeing him run, viewing the world through his eyes, watching him discover new things, talking to him about what he wants to be when he grows up, giving him dating advice… That kind of stuff.

* I kept telling him he was my best friend and he would reply, “I not best friend, I boy.” *

After a super yummy dinner I continued working on the cake until eventually it was just me and the ghost of Izzy’s grandfather up. At 1:30AM I finally finished the worst cake ever!!! Sorry Dweedle. And crashed on the couch.

When my alarm (AKA my nephews) went off the next morning I jumped up, showered, got ready, helped pick up the house and got a coffee before the madness began. Actually, it was a really nice little party… The weather was great, so we had the party outside. People showed up, we ate a spaghetti lunch...

Opened gifts… I got him camouflaged swim trunks and some dinosaur/camo pajamas. If I want them to get worn, I have to buy camo. After gifts it was cake time and that’s when I presented my nephew with his (worst) cake ever...

My traditional photo: cake, kid and me.  P.S.  We're in love. 

In the hopes that he’d smash the shit out of it…

Izzy tried to get him to smash it...

Great grandpa tried...

He did nothing, sigh. One day, one day.

We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with the family and the neighbors. To be honest I don’t remember much because I was ready for bed at 3PM, seriously, 3PM.

This morning I was awoken by my tiny nephew (Dweedle) grinning in my face. I quickly packed my crap, lost my keys, hugged my nephew’s goodbye and hit the road. I had a long drive ahead of me and I wanted to get home early enough to unpack, write this post and get a good night sleep, I have my interview tomorrow.

Again, the drive went pretty fast and again, I was half asleep during the bulk of it. In fact, I stopped to get a coffee at McDonald’s before I hit the road and by the time the coffee kicked in (that’s what woke my ass up, no pun intended) I had (without realizing it) passed all of the major gas stations. Just when I was about to pull over and shit in my McDonalds bag, seriously, it was coming and there was no stopping it, I found a lone gas station in Declo, Idaho. Don’t worry; I used my “poop and flush” technique.

Now I’m just sharing my weekend with you. I wonder if my neighbors will have another rave tonight?

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I went to a rave once… PDX… You remember that joyful night?  And I quote: "Do you think my shirt is short enough."  Seriously PDX, you KILL me.

First Week On The Job

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m exhausted. It’s been another busy week, but a good one.

Today marks the end of my first week at the old people home and I love it. Here are just a few good stories:

- “Hi Ray, how was your night?” “Aside from being a handicapped geek, pretty good.”

- “Hi Carol, what’s happening?” “Poppin’ pills!”

- We took a busload of people to Hires (a local burger joint) as part of our “Out to Lunch Bunch.” The following took place:

      Jim (who can’t control his limbs) flung food and spoons everywhere!

      Ray spilled an entire fucking milkshake on himself and then it dripped off him, onto the floor. Three minutes later, he spilled another one, all over the table. He got upset, drove his Jazzy through the first milkshake and parked it in the corner of the restaurant.

      When we got back to the old people home we were unloading the bus. Ann goes scooting passed us, mumbled, “I’m soaking wet.” Yup, Ann peed herself.

- Today I met Dorothy (a new favorite). Dorothy is a character. When we walked in we couldn’t figure out why she didn’t want to talk to us. Eventually we discovered that it was because she had smuggled a cupcake from the kitchen (for one of the doctors son’s) and was trying to hide it from us. While she was trying to hide it from us (she dropped it into a paper cup and covered it with a napkin… Apparently she hides food all over the facility) we noticed she had a chocolate covered pretzel stick in her pocket.

When we finally got her to come talk to us one of the CNA’s commented on her hair and she replied, “Thank you! I’m using that new lip-gloss.”

We sat her down for a moment to talk to us and she told us a story about her dog “Beau.” Apparently Beau went missing one day and when they (her and her husband) went to look for Beau the neighbors informed them that they would never find Beau… “Because the Laotian’s Roasted Him!”

She quickly transitioned into a story about her son’s girlfriend who was nearly the victim of rape/murder by some mass rapist/murderer still on the run. In the middle of her story she looked at me and said, “I can see you have a breast.” Yes, it was singular. Then, she told me she didn’t have any because she had cancer three times and they cut them off. The poor thing looks just like E.T.

- During a piano concert:

      Two old ladies were trying to whisper to each other but there was music and they are hard of hearing so they were screaming back and forth.

      Ginny got pissed off that the guy was taking too long to introduce the next song and she blurted out, “Shut up and play already!”

      Ray didn’t want to be a part of the concert anymore so he kicked the door leading to the patio repeatedly, during a performance, until he could drive his Jazzy out the door.

Good times I tell you, good times.

Today I arranged for us to go milk a cow at Wheeler Farms and tour a local candy company, so I’m sure I’ll have some more good stories to come.

Just when things were starting to make sense, I was called for an interview on Monday morning. Two weeks ago, I would have been thrilled for this opportunity. Now that I’ve fallen in love with a group of old people, I’m nervous I may have to make a really, really tough decision.

Currently I’m baking a cake for my nephew. I really, really tried to do something manageable, but its not happening. As always I’ve spent way, way too much money, been baking for days, super stressed out about the outcome and pooped. These fucking boys are spoiled.

Tomorrow I’m waking up super early to drive to Boise, Idaho for his birthday celebration. By Sunday, I will be a fucking mess. Talk to you then.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

First Day

Sauerkraut Here!

It’s late, 9:36PM to be exact and in my book, that’s late. So, I’m going to make this as short as possible.

Today was my first day at the old people house. I set my alarm for 6:30AM and finally rolled out of bed at 7:30AM… Only because the alarm automatically shut off after you push snooze too much and I was too lazy to reset it. Somehow I made it to the farm on time and

I started my day by exercising with the old people. We rolled our necks, tapped our toes and “dribbled our basketballs.” Watching the old people exercising was precious and it wasn’t long before I had to focus on the ground to prevent myself from giggling.

After exercise it was time for BINGO. I got a brief rundown on how the people liked their numbers called and it wasn’t long before I was calling off the numbers, “B, as in boy, the number thirty-nine, 3-9.” One little lady joined us late and I quickly realized she needed some help, so in between reading numbers I was playing her cards.

After lunch my supervisor and I walked the halls inviting some of the residents to the next activity, I forget what it was. First I met Carol. When we asked Carol how she was doing she replied, “Bitchy, with a capital B!” And it was at that moment that Carol became my favorite.

We continued down the halls inviting residents to the activity when we opened the door to this little ladies room and the most rank ass smell came out. Seconds later my supervisor handed me the keys to the resident’s rooms, asked me to invite Carl to the upcoming activity and rushed around the corner to barf. It was pretty awesome.

I finished out my day by making event flyers for the elevators; my supervisor was very impressed with my skills… Seriously? So, while the residents enjoyed a “wine social” I snuck out to go to the flower shop.

A few of my thoughts today:

- I miss my grandparents.

- I miss my grandmas’ squishy arms.

- I need to make more money so my mom doesn’t have to live in one of these places.
- Avoid "Bobby," she likes to hit people with her cane.

After work I talked to my grandma who informed me that my grandpa was feeling better, she was now sick and that they made the bed today… “Because they both pooped in it.”

During our conversation I received a phone call from the apartment people and once again they want to come in my apartment. I’m fucking sick of this shit! I’m sick of the phone calls, I don’t have time to clean my house, I don’t want to clean my house, I don’t have time to be here and I don’t want a bunch of people walking though my apartment, with my stuff, when I’m not there. God I’m so fucking annoyed.

Anyways, this is going to be a rough week!!! Not only am I broke as a joke, which always makes things more difficult, but I have no clue how I’m going to fit everything in: new job #1, job #2, paperwork, cleaning, laundry, driving to Boise, making a cake, driving home, etc. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  At this point I could care less about grammar, spelling and punctuation.  Suck it.

Busy, Busy Week

Sauerkraut Here!

I’ve had such a busy week and there is so much to talk about. I’ve honestly been writing this post for days, I really need to finish it. Sigh.

Last Friday was a mess. I ran around all morning trying to prepare for my families visit before I had to be to work. In the middle of chaos I scheduled a hair appointment in an effort to get back to my natural color, that would be brown. Well, my hair took a little too long and I was two hours late to work. When I got off work I was so overwhelmed by everything that I went home and went to bed. I was so pooped there was no way I could have waited up.

My family arrived at about 1AM and I’ll be honest, I remember nothing. I think I told someone where the towels were and that’s all I remember. Most of you know I don’t function well when I’m tired.

That morning I awoke to my tiny nephew (Izzy), inches from my face, “See tiger Sauerkraut?” Yes buddy, we’re going to see the tigers today. After some breakfast we got ready and headed for the Hogle Zoo. I’ve never been to the zoo, so I was pretty excited to go. As you can imagine there were lots of people there. Luckily I had plenty of time to mentally prepare myself for the mass amounts of people, Momo’s and kids I would encounter that weekend, so my anxiety level was pretty decent. But, I’m not going to lie; I did have a few minor anxiety attacks.

My soulmate and I at the zoo.

First we went to the tigers, because that’s what my tiny nephew would not shut up about so I figured we would knock that out right away, he liked them.  Currently the zoo is undergoing some construction so they brought in a bunch of dinosaurs in an effort to draw people in during the construction. Dweedle and I loved the dinosaurs, I think he could have watched them all day, but Izzy was not a fan.

Not a happy cowboy... Mean dinosaur.

Dweedle and I loved the dinosaurs!  He kept roaring at it.

Anyways, we went around looking at all of the different animals (I think the rhino was my favorite), my family rode the carousel, Izzy got a little toy, “his snake,” it was a gecko. We rode the train and then it was time to go.

  Seriously, he thinks he's a cowboy. 

It's a Madagascar hissing la-cocka-la-roach, he touched it... And thought that was super neat.

Neighbor Girl and Dweedle riding the train.

Saturday highlight:

- After our visit to the zoo my brother dropped me off and attempted to find a liquor store (he was gone forever… And never found the store. Sigh.). When they (my family) got back to my apartment here came my little Izzy, crying. When I asked what had happened to him my brother said he had “an accident” AKA he peed himself. As I was cleaning him up I smelled something yucky. I asked The Neighbor Girl if she stepped in dog shit and as we were checking our feet I noticed poo on my nephews’ foot. Turns out nobody stepped in poo, my nephew shit himself! It ran down his leg, he stepped in it and walked it through my house. In a panic I rushed my little guy down the hall to the bathroom, plopped him in the bathtub and scrubbed him down. Seriously buddy?

Sunday was a busy day for us; it was Thomas the Train Day. Each year on Memorial Day the Heber Valley Railroad AKA “The Heber Creeper” hosts an activity called “A Day out with Thomas the Train.” If you don’t know who Thomas the Tank Engine is than you clearly have not watched the same episode with your nephew eight, or nine different times. Basically, he’s a little cartoon train on one of the cartoon networks, I forget which one. When I heard my family was coming I thought to myself, we have to go to this, Izzy would love this.

The boys and I with "Thomas the Tank Engine."  I paid $12 for this fucking photo, those boys were wise to smile.

It was about 45 minutes from my house and it snowed on the way there so I was a little nervous about what was to come. When we got there, the weather was pretty nice considering we had just driven through snow. They had a nice setup; there was music (which Dweedle loved), activities for the kids, and photo opportunities for the parents. We went around doing all the little activities and finally it was time for the main event, time to ride the train.

Getting his first tattoo... Thomas the Tank Engine... Fancy.

Izzy didn’t understand that we had to wait for people to get off the train before we could get on the train and he pretty much delivered a cow at the tender young age of two, but he was very happy/excited when we finally got on the train. I was less than impressed with the actual train ride, not only did it go slow, but the scenic view consisted of peoples backyards and the damn train went in reverse and then forward. Whatever, Izzy thought it was great. After the train ride we did a few more activities and headed home.

Sir Topham Hatt... Dweedle liked him. 

Do you think he knows what's going on?

When we got back we decided we’d go check out the Living Planet Aquarium, but first we stopped by the house of one of Mr. Coconuts friends for a surprise proposal. It was fun for me to introduce my family to some of the people I hang around and even more fun to show off my little family. We didn’t stay long, just long enough for the proposal.

Our next stop was the Living Planet Aquarium, Dweedles favorite activity. He loved watching the fish swim around, but didn’t understand that there were lots of fish to see. I think he would have stood at one tank all day had we let him.

I'm a good auntie, I swear.

On Monday we went to Antelope Island to see some buffalo but we didn’t have much luck. However, unbeknown to us, there was this crazy little cowboy carnival going on at The Garr Ranch, Izzy was in heaven. We went around doing some of the little activities for kids: riding the “cow,” listening to the cowboy sing (Izzy liked him) and riding in the wagon.

After you completed all of the little activities you’re kids got a bandana but for some reason the teenager working the booth gave Izzy a rope, a “cowboy rope.” I’m pretty sure he hasn’t let go of that thing since he got it.

At this crazy little carnival they had set up a few bull’s people could try and rope and to my surprise, Izzy was pretty good at swinging that rope. When we got back to the apartment he almost chopped my arm off swinging that fucking thing. It was at that moment I realized my little nephew might just be a cowboy after all. Make way for the next Ty Murray (who PS I love)!

While my nephew practiced his cowboy skills I took my little cardiologist (I hope) to check out some of the buildings. It was fun to look at the property, but more fun to spend a few quiet moments with my little Dweedle. He just sat there, quiet as a mouse in my arms looking around.

Monday highlights:

- We were eating breakfast when Izzy sneezed. Never, ever, in my life did I think that much green snot could come out of a tiny child, but it did. I panicked, yelled, “Holy shit!” and rushed to find something to catch the snot before it fell in his food, but it ended up falling on his arm. Again, I cleaned him off and we moved on with the day.

- When we were driving home from Antelope Island The Neighbor Girl and I swore we say the Loch Ness Monster swimming in the lake. We made my brother turn around so we could go see it. Turns out, it was a tire. Sigh. So, instead of it being the Loch Ness Monster it was an upside down car and in my mind that means one thing… Dead body.

Don't laugh.  We seriously thought this was the Loch Ness Monster.  We thought, "Yo!  There's the Loch Ness Monster, he's swimming in the Salt Lake of all places and he wants US to take his photo.  Score!"

- After Antelope Island we went to Temple Square (yes, I know it’s Mormon, but if you’re going to come to Utah you mind as well see the Mormon shit, I heard the gardens were pretty and the boys needed to run off some energy.).

Probably my favorite photo of the trip.

While we were walking through the grounds my sweet little nephew decided he had to pee. He dropped his pants, in the middle of the sidewalk, and let it rip. I scooped him up, rushed him to the nearest bush and let him pee, moving him, mid flow, to try and avoid people walking by from seeing what was going on.

- On the way back to the car, I guess the waterfall made him want to pee again and there we were, peeing on grounds of the LDS Conference Center.

So proud.

I had to be back to work on Tuesday morning. Shortly after I got to work I noticed a missed call from my brother. I’m not gonna lie, I thought the boys had burnt down my apartment; instead my brother was trying to surprise me by bringing the boys to my job.

Just when I thought I was ready for some “me time” I saw my families silver van climb the hill and couldn’t wait to get my hands on my nephews. Little Dweedle was dressed in his tiny camouflage pajamas (they’re pretty cute) and he couldn’t have been happier to be out of his car seat and in my arms. Little Izzy, dressed in his oversized cowboy hat, Spiderman pajama top, “cowboy pants” AKA jeans and car shoes was so excited to tell everyone about his “cowboy rope.” There wasn’t much to show them, but it was fun walking them around. Watching them drive away was sad, it was nice having company and even nicer having family here.

Izzy and I on Antelope Island... With the "Cowboy Rope."

Other highlights:

- One night I woke up thinking I had lost my nephew (Izzy), when I looked over the edge of the bed, there is was sleeping on the floor with a pillow and no blankets. I drug his limp body back into bed and went back to sleep.

- One night I got to read Izzy a bedtime story, he loved it, but I think he was more excited about the oversized flashlight. We read “Walter the Farting Dog.”

- One morning I was blow-drying my hair when Dweedle wandered in the room. “Hey Billy!” I yelled. “I don’t think your son is wearing a diaper, but he’s got one in his mouth.” Sure enough Dweedle had taken off his piss soaked diaper, stuck it in his mouth and wandered into my room. It gets better… Before he wandered into my room his dumped the shit from the diaper onto my living room floor. Neat.

- It was bath time and here came Dweedle, pissing all over the bathroom floor.

After work on Tuesday I hurried home to prepare my home for the arrival of my mother, she came down Wednesday night to go to my doctor appointment with me on Thursday. When she got here we bummed around and ended up spending one hundred bucks at a Smith’s (a local grocery store), but I got a fancy new lamp for my living room.

Thursday morning was a busy day for me. At 7:44AM my mother screeched from the next room, “Sauerkraut! Sauerkraut! What time is it!?” Seriously? My fucking doctor appointment was at 11AM. Lucky for her she was able to go back to sleep and snore it up for awhile longer. I laid there, pissed off at the world.

We got to the doctors office, I filled out a bunch of stupid paperwork that frustrated me and then we spoke to the doctors and some finance lady, not fun. Afterward I had an EKG (they stick stickers to your body and then snap little wires onto the stickers, very weird), got some blood drawn (I didn’t pass out) and headed home.

Mom and I grabbed a quick bite to eat before she had to head back home and before I had to go to my new job to fill out some paperwork. After I filled out some paperwork I met up with my boss (at least I think she’s my boss) for a quick tour around the building. To be honest I’m a little nervous about starting this job, here’s why:

1) I’m actually a very shy/slow to warm up person and the thought of getting to know 116 residents is scary. Plus they’re elderly, so you have to approach them differently, kind of like kids.

2) It’s a very different environment than I’m used to. Everyone dresses very professional (gag barf) and it’s very… Positive. Everything is “super” and “fun” and blah, blah, blah. I need some diversity, some bitching, some sarcasm and some swearing to feel comfortable. The first person I hear swear, I guarantee I will gravitate toward them, “Hello friend.”

3) The new job jitters. The unknown. Am I going to be able to wake up that early? I hate driving that far away. What should I wear? How are my two schedules going to mesh (because I love my flower shop job and I’m not quitting!)? I applied for another job and if I’m asked to come interview, how will I get away? I’m I going to have a life outside of work?

Hopefully, these people will like me just the way I am. And hopefully they’ll like the spice I bring to the company. It sounds like a good opportunity. I think I will really enjoy the work, there is room for growth within the company and I may even have the opportunity to relocate (they have facilities in Portland and Boise).

After I left the old people sanctuary I picked up a prescription and headed to some clinic for a piss test. To no surprise I passed the test with flying colors, but realized I was very dehydrated. On my way home I stopped off at the flower shop to give my boss my new schedule and filled up my gas tank.

Friday and Saturday it was work, work, work. I did go to my friend Heather’s birthday dinner last night and it was nice. I didn’t feel the best (pretty sure my nephews gave me green-snot-a-titus) but Heather has always been good to me and she took the time to invite me to her party, suddenly laying on my couch didn’t seem as fun, so I went.

It was nice, we went to this new Mexican restaurant downtown and it felt like we had the place to ourselves. I saw a few old faces, met some new people I wouldn’t mind seeing again and went home with the juiciest farts ever. I’d call my night a success.

Now I’m preparing for the week to come: cleaning my house, doing (lots of) laundry, that kind of stuff. I will do my best to keep up on this thing, but my gut is telling me I’m going to be very busy.  This week I'm starting a new job, working my old job, taking care of financial crap, preparing a cake for Dweedle's first birthday, going to Boise, Idaho for his first birthday and who knows what else! 

That is all.

Sauerkraut