I’m feeling a lot of frustration lately.
I feel like there’s a pattern people are supposed to follow in life: graduate high school, go to college, date someone amazing, get your master’s degree, your PhD, get a high paying job, get engaged to your college sweetheart, buy a house and have kids. If others do not follow this pattern, that’s okay, but if I don’t follow it, then I’m a complete fuck up! Despite my exhausting efforts to be “perfect” and make everyone around me happy, I have failed life by not reaching these milestones.
I’m 30 years old. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m too old to get married or have kids, my ship has sailed. I will admit there was a brief moment in my life when I considered the idea, but the truth is I’ve just never had those urges. I seriously wonder if there is something wrong with me.
As I approached my thirties I forced my mind to switched gears, now I’m preparing for my future. My goals now are: be a good aunt (I suck by the way but we’ll get into that later), make money so I can take care of my mom when she’s old and prepare for my own decline.
Let’s be honest, I’m 30. One day, my grandparents will pass away, my mom will pass away, PDX will marry and probably have at least one accident, I Heart to Fart will marry and have several kids and I on the other hand will have no husband (no grandpa, I'm not a lesibien) and no kids. I do have a couple of nephews and soon a niece, but they will be busy with their own lives and their own grandparents/parents. In other words, I have no one. Unless I want to end up in Bennion Care Center, I need to get my shit together… Quick!
I can honestly say I have major anxiety about this topic on a daily basis. And lately my family is not making me feel better about my failures. Here’s a recent conversation with my mother:
Me: “Fat size. And if you’re asking for Mr. Coconut, the answer is no.”
Mom: “You don’t want to marry Mr. Coconut?”
Me: “I don’t want to marry.”
Mom: “Well I hope you don’t want to be alone forever.”
Me: “Why not… It runs in the family.” Rude, I know… Moving on…
Another recent comment from mommy dearest while I was holding Molly’s baby:
Mom: “Are you sure you don’t want to have a baby?”
Me: “Yup!”
Mom: “But what about your mom!?”
My grandmother told me this weekend that I wasn’t being “fair” to her by not having kids. Annoyed I replied, “That’s what my cousins are for.” She didn’t like my response.
In addition to my family I’ve been dealing with my boyfriend who suddenly likes the idea of marriage.
When I first met him he told me he didn’t want to get married again. Yes, again. Recently, now that I’ve put up with four years of his bullshit, his friends have all taken the plunge and his father told him he “should have married me years ago,” he wants to talk about marriage. “Would you ever marry me?” “Let’s go to Vegas and get married!” Blah, blah, blah.
The truth is my wall is built. And once my wall is up, it’s damn near impossible to break it down, seriously. Clearly he didn’t think enough of me to consider marriage years ago, not that I wanted it, but some companionship would have been nice. Now I’m too old, I need to protect myself and plan for my future, alone… So I don’t end up at Bennion Care Center.
I have also made it a goal to create a living will. This has always been a goal of mine, but due to recent events I have decided to make this a priority. What happens if I get in a car accident (very believable considering how I drive) and wind up in a coma? I need to make things easy for my mom. I need to have legal documentation of my wishes etc.
I’m sure you’re all thinking to yourselves, “You’re only 30!” Look at it this way… I’m 30. Based on what I’ve read, getting pregnant after 35 is considered a high-risk pregnancy. So, that means I would need to meet someone, date someone, get engaged, get a higher paying job so I can afford shit, get married, buy a home, get pregnant, get another higher paying job so I can afford shit and have a fucking kid in a mere five years. That’s a lot of shit.
And then what? Life’s over. I spend the rest of my days working my ass of for an ungrateful, bitch that won’t go away… Fun.
To be honest, I feel like a failure because I don’t really have anything to show for my 30 years on this earth. To me, the purpose of life is to get married, have kids and raise good citizens to maintain life on earth. Well, if you don’t do that, what’s the point of life? Answer, there isn’t one. So, here I am, wandering the earth with no direction, no purpose. Sigh.
The number one reason I don’t want to have children is failure. It would break my heart if I poured every ounce of love and made every effort to raise a wonderful child to have them end up a disaster, I couldn’t handle it. As most of you know I take being an aunt VERY serious. Being an aunt to me is not fun, it’s a job. I take my role as an aunt as serious as I would the role of mother. The difference is, I don’t have to take full responsibility if things don’t work out. Regardless, I will feel like a failure if my nephews/nieces do not become what I feel they should.
Lately I feel like I’m failing at being an aunt. Honestly, I adore my nephews/nieces but the fact that I have so many bothers me (just a little)… ONLY because I feel like I can’t give them ALL enough love, time and crap. I feel like I dont have enough love to go around (and it worries me!), I feel like I'm not there to set a good example for them, and if I was there, I'd be setting a horrible example for them because I'm a failure! Plus, I always feel like I never make enough money to spoil them, that's what aunties are supposed to do!
This brings me to another topic… I’m having a really hard time with this next addition. When I heard I was getting another baby I was upset, for the reasons I mentioned above. But! When I found out it was a girl, I was very upset. Very, very, very upset. Why? Because I already have a niece and no one will ever take her spot. I have to remind myself that this new baby is not a replacement, just an addition.
Furthermore, my brother and The Neighbor Girl have decided to give this child my middle name, as her first name. Do I wish they would have asked first? Maybe. Only because I am very protective of my middle name as is my family. Perhaps it was meant as a surprise? My family would prefer that they use my name as her middle name, but the reality is… You can’t tell people what to name their kids.
I’m not sure why they decided to give her this name, maybe they thought it was an honor and that is very thoughtful and sweet. But! I hope that my brother and The Neighbor Girl tell people where the name came from and I hope that people pronounce it correctly, if they don’t, I swear to God I’ll flip, fucking shit
Also, because this baby is a girl I have very high standards for her and because this little girl is my namesake I have extremely, maybe even irrational standards for her. I expect her to be better than me and achieve everything I never did, which is a lot. However, I will do my best to relax and hope for the best.
Regardless I will shave off a chuck of my tiny heart for her and do my best to set a good example for her. But how can I expect her to brush her hair when I enjoy wearing my in a crazy bun!
In other news, I’m considering moving in with I Heart to Fart.
Pro’s:
- I will have company.
- I can save up some money, about $16,000, to use toward debt or a down payment on a house.
- I can get an English bulldog; he will have a big yard to play in and a friend in Buddy.
- I can always move out.
Con’s:
- Although we have lived together several times before, I don’t want living together to ruin our friendship.
- I won’t have my own space.
- I will have a much longer commute.
- I will be living in I Heart to Farts parent’s house, I will be reduced to a room and my stuff will be stuffed in a garage, again.
What do you guys think?
That is all.
Sauerkraut
I think that I'm jealous of you and Jeffy living together. And yes, you would totally save on rent, and you could move out anytime. But that commute sounds horrid. I highly doubt that living together will ruin your friendship.
ReplyDeleteSO, about the turning 30 thing...I just don't think you're a failure. I think that even if you were somehow married w/the "perfect" life (i.e. a husband and kids and a house, etc.) there would still be a part of you that was thinking, "Wait, this is it?" AND I think that whenever you are ready to make that leap and move forward and start building a different life, you will do it. Sometimes it just takes us a while to build up our courage. I also know another thing: no matter what my life ends up being like (and who the hell knows, really) I will always want you in my life. Always always. Even if you haven't changed the world, you have changed my life, and I will be forever grateful that you wrote me the most awesomest letters on my mission and have been such a fun, communicative, adventurous friend. Who you are is just as important as what you've "accomplished," whatever that means.
Long story short: keep up hope, dear friend! You're not dead yet! :)