I’m having a bad day… And I think this is the reason…
Recently I had to switch doctors because the medical group I was going to doesn’t take my insurance, nice. So today was my first appointment with the new guy. My new doctor is kind of odd, but seems very good, that’s not what upset me.
When he was doing my ultrasound I noticed he started spending more time in certain areas, eventually taking pictures, not a good sign. And after a long dictation he told me I have some “enlarged lymph nodes,” there doesn’t seem to be any sign of cancer in them at the moment, but he would like to watch them.
Other bad news: I also need a blood test, glucose test, insulin test, sleep study and full body scan. I’ve officially gain 45lbs. in a year and I will be followed by a doctor for the next 10 years of my life.
So, after my appointment I got upset. I think it was my trip to Sam’s Club that sent me over the edge. While I was loading cases of paper into my tiny car I noticed each one weighed 20lbs. I thought to myself, “I have gained 2 cases of paper… I can’t even lift two cases of paper!” Then I thought, “I weigh as much as my boyfriend… He’s Samoan.” It was then that I pretty much burst into tears.
At this time there is no sure cause to thyroid cancer, research only says that it’s “environmental,” which I find very interesting. I have spent my entire life trying to do the “right” thing by never drinking, smoking, doing drugs, exercising, avoiding “risky” behavior, etc. I don’t think my environment could get any better! So why do I get cancer!?
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that things could have been much worse for me, but seriously. I feel like I’ve done everything by the book in an effort to receive the good things in life and I feel like I continue to get shit on. It drives me nuts when I see others (who I don’t feel deserve it) receive good things in life and I don’t. My mother always says, “That’s just what you see and hear about, who knows what their life is really like.” But that doesn’t help! Just seeing/hearing that shit is enough to send me over the edge!
At the end of the day the reason I’m really upset is because 1) I’ve gained a bunch of weight. 2) I have to do all these things (blood tests, body scans, etc.) that are costly and pointless in my eyes and 3) This is my life for the next 10 years!
I don’t want this! It bothers me that I will never get an “Okay! You’re done, enjoy your life!”
To be honest. I’d prefer to never see another doctor again and just go about life. I don’t want my life to be all about doctors, procedures, bills, etc. I understand that this decision my shorten my life, but I don’t care! I almost feel like I’m battling against my natural clock. Maybe I’m not supposed to live a long life, maybe I’m supposed to die young, and that’s fine. I’m just so sick of what my life has become, it’s so frustrating.
I told my mom this and she didn’t reply. My gut tells me she (and my grandmother) is not going to allow me to walk away, but I want to. I’m just very upset about all of this.
This concludes my pity party.
That is all.
Sauerkraut
Aw babe, I'm sorry to hear all of this. Lets please have a hangout day soon to take your mind off things?
ReplyDeleteI think by "environmental" they mean things in your environment cause cancer, i.e. things that are out of your control and not caused by your behaviors. There's a very high incidence of thyroid cancer in the Mountain West b/c of all the nuclear testing they did in Nevada, which blew up through Utah & Idaho. I don't think I told you, but apparently my Grandma M. had thyroid cancer when she was in her twenties. Long story short: it's not your fault, and you're right, it's totally unfair.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say it, but your mom is right about people being secretly miserable. I think everyone is unhappy in their own way, in different amounts at different times. But I get the annoyance at idiots having good things happen to them.
Anyway, I'm sorry things are going so horribly for you these days. I think spring is the worst season of all.