Sauerkraut Here

I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to see what's out there.  Yup, I did it... I posted my shit on a dating site.  In less than 24 hours I have had 3 responses...  For your entertainment, I will post them here, enjoy.

Mr. Number Three

He's not awful, but THIS will NEVER happen.  Moving on...

Mr. Number Two

  

I'm not gonna lie, I'm hoping he's the bear... I might even take the girl.  And now it's time for the grand finale which is so mind blowing that I'm going to post his profile as well.  P.S.  I'm tearing up with laughter as I type.  Ladies and gents, Mr. Number One...

Mr. Number One 

Erotic passion and loving stimulation in all things desire is what I love to give but I find more meaning in making love than just having sex, is there anyone that feels the same way? I also love to give therapeutic massages as well so I know how to relieve tension from any part of the body. I believe a heart longing to be loved knows how to truly love humbly without asking for anything in return and that is how my heart views the world. I am not the type to let someone’s appearance determine their worth, personality and the beauty of one's soul is all that truly matters to me. I choose not to take anything in life for granted and not picky when it comes to talking with anyone, so I say leave a message and we can talk about anything your heart desires ^_^ abit about me: I am a crazy fan of anything Japanese, fully devoted to the study of the sensual/sexual arts (including therapeutic massages), read manga, listen to all kinds of music but I love techno the best!! I am very romantic, affectionate & write poetry and erotica whenever inspired by an intellectual who wants to be loved. My poetry and wordplay will leave you speechless in explicit beauty, juicy horror and breathless romance. If I had one wish, it would be to open up the eyes of those blind to life's simple pleasures that thousands take for granted, like the right to loved.

Yup.  Pretty sure I made your day.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Sauerkraut Here!

Let’s get the lame shit out of the way…

I work with two Orca Bitches.  I call them The Orca Bitches because they are white, always wear black clothing are big… like orca whales, they kill the positive work environment and are fucking bitches.  To make a long story short, I hate The Orca Bitches.  So much so I have informed my boss that when I get fired I’m going to drag (I’d better start working out) the main Orca Bitch into the parking lot and kick her fucking ass.  I would go into why I hate The Orca Bitches, but there’s really no point other than they suck at their jobs, they’re miserable in life and they want to stir up trouble wherever they go which pretty much consists of home, their tiny office (Ha!) at “work” a fast food joint for lunch, back to their tiny office for “work” and home.      

In addition to The Orca Bitches I hate doing outreach.  I hate driving around, in my car, all day, every day, stopping off at various rehabilitation centers, etc. and annoying people, during their work day to advertise my company, it blows.

So, what’s worse?  Being in the office with The Orca Bitches? Or doing outreach?  Honestly, I’m not sure yet, but I think I’d rather do outreach… And that’s sad.  Moving on…     

Last week I did a sleep study.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  I also took a 3 hour long blood test where they jammed a needle in my arm 4 times.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  Finally I had an echocardiogram.  Why?  Again, I don’t know, but!  I’m sure it will say there is nothing wrong with me.  So…

Now that I have wasted my time and money on a bunch of tests I get to go back to the doctor who ordered them (more money) where he will tell me nothing is wrong with me and simply change my medication which is what I asked him to do the first time I went and saw him.

On a better note I took a somewhat impromptu trip to Idaho to see my family.  It’s always good to see my mom and grandparents but this time my brother and his family would be there.  We didn’t really do anything, just sat around and talked.  I did walk the "broked dog" as Izzy calls her, up Red Hill, I think she liked it?

Some photos for your enjoyment, rawr…

My niece, she's 2 months old today!

My niece... Look at those thighs!  I love them!  P.S.  You like her cowgirl boots?  A gift from auntie.

Ignore auntie, look at her little face!

My soulmate. 

Izzy story: When I went to the birth of my baby fin I taught Izzy a lesson and now he likes to repeat it... "Nobody touch my weiner, huh Aunt Sauerkraut!" 

This time I taught him that if somebody does touch his weiner he talls daddy and mommy.  I also taught him he is: smart, handsome and funny. 

My hero, sigh.

And I quote: "Take my picture Annie."

The whole gang, thank God they aren't having anymore kids (fingers crossed) because my arms can't hold them all.

And my favorite photo of the entire trip!

Finally, I know I am fat; you do not need to tell me.  I have decided that the real reason I want to lose weight is not because I want to feel better, look better, etc.  It’s so people will shut the fuck up!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Conversation of the weekend:

Grandpa: "I like your form fitting jeans."

Me: "I like the hole in your t-shirt."

Day 1 of WWIII

Sauerkraut Here!

I tried to eat healthy today… Fail.

Nutri-Grain Bar

Mini Caesar Salad

2 bagels (blueberry and plain)

Nutri-Grain Bar

Bowl of cereal

A few taste tests on a goodie I made for Molly’s bake sale tomorrow

Can you say carbs? 

I also tried to go swimming this morning… Fail.

But!  I did go swimming after work.  Not gonna lie, I’m shocked!!!  Now I just have to keep it up… Fuck. The water was cold and gross, but I’d say the worst part was the physical movement.  Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever had so many charlie horses in my life, I even got one in my calf, never felt that before.  Now that it’s over… I don’t feel proud, full of more energy, or physically better I feel like… I want a shower and some junk food.

Cravings today include, but are not limited to:

Jimmy Johns, Beans and Brews (probably my biggest craving today), Greek food from Greek City Grill, Normandise “Butter Dream” cookies and every single thing I made for Molly’s bake sale.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  The douche-ness at the gym was amazing.  

Bad Day

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m having a bad day…  And I think this is the reason… 

Recently I had to switch doctors because the medical group I was going to doesn’t take my insurance, nice.  So today was my first appointment with the new guy.  My new doctor is kind of odd, but seems very good, that’s not what upset me.

When he was doing my ultrasound I noticed he started spending more time in certain areas, eventually taking pictures, not a good sign.  And after a long dictation he told me I have some “enlarged lymph nodes,” there doesn’t seem to be any sign of cancer in them at the moment, but he would like to watch them.

Other bad news: I also need a blood test, glucose test, insulin test, sleep study and full body scan. I’ve officially gain 45lbs. in a year and I will be followed by a doctor for the next 10 years of my life.

So, after my appointment I got upset.  I think it was my trip to Sam’s Club that sent me over the edge.  While I was loading cases of paper into my tiny car I noticed each one weighed 20lbs. I thought to myself, “I have gained 2 cases of paper… I can’t even lift two cases of paper!”  Then I thought, “I weigh as much as my boyfriend… He’s Samoan.”  It was then that I pretty much burst into tears.

At this time there is no sure cause to thyroid cancer, research only says that it’s “environmental,” which I find very interesting.  I have spent my entire life trying to do the “right” thing by never drinking, smoking, doing drugs, exercising, avoiding “risky” behavior, etc.  I don’t think my environment could get any better!  So why do I get cancer!?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that things could have been much worse for me, but seriously.  I feel like I’ve done everything by the book in an effort to receive the good things in life and I feel like I continue to get shit on.  It drives me nuts when I see others (who I don’t feel deserve it) receive good things in life and I don’t.  My mother always says, “That’s just what you see and hear about, who knows what their life is really like.”  But that doesn’t help!  Just seeing/hearing that shit is enough to send me over the edge!

At the end of the day the reason I’m really upset is because 1) I’ve gained a bunch of weight. 2) I have to do all these things (blood tests, body scans, etc.) that are costly and pointless in my eyes and 3) This is my life for the next 10 years! 

I don’t want this!  It bothers me that I will never get an “Okay!  You’re done, enjoy your life!”

To be honest.  I’d prefer to never see another doctor again and just go about life.  I don’t want my life to be all about doctors, procedures, bills, etc.  I understand that this decision my shorten my life, but I don’t care!  I almost feel like I’m battling against my natural clock.  Maybe I’m not supposed to live a long life, maybe I’m supposed to die young, and that’s fine.  I’m just so sick of what my life has become, it’s so frustrating.

I told my mom this and she didn’t reply.  My gut tells me she (and my grandmother) is not going to allow me to walk away, but I want to.  I’m just very upset about all of this.

This concludes my pity party.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

A Super Fun Sunday Funday

Sauerkraut Here!

This week was a good Sunday Funday.

Saturday I went to dinner with some of I Heart to Farts friends from work.  We went to some steak house; I think it’s called Stockman’s?  Anyways, it’s supposed to be some fancy steak house and while I enjoyed the company I wasn’t impressed with the food, I’m more of Chuck-A-Rama kind of girl, which we’ll get to later.

My favorite part of dinner was this… I went to use the bathroom at this fancy restaurant and when I walked in there were two girls (younger than me) washing their hands etc.  Well, when I went into the stall, sat my ass down on the toilet and looked at the floor I discovered the largest blood glob I’ve ever seen in my life!!!  I’m 90% sure one of those girls had a fucking abortion in that stall.

Abortion.

 

Then!  When I went to wash my hands, there was a black bra resting in the paper towel basket placed above the sinks!  What the fuck happened in this fucking bathroom!?  Did anyone bother to call 911? 

 

After dinner we went to some bar, Bar Deluxe I believe.  I don’t have fun at bars because I don’t drink, smoke or like people.  But again, I was happy that I wasn’t alone and glad I had something to do.  After filling the roll of Designated Driver I went home and went straight to bed, because I’m old.

The next morning I dropped Molly of at work and headed to Blue Plate Diner for breakfast with Sheek Geek and Tar-J.  I’ve heard a lot about Blue Plate Diner and I was really excited to try it, but to be honest, I wasn’t impressed.  I had a ham and cheese omelet with “home fries” and sourdough toast… I liked the toast and hated the eggs…  They were spongy.

After breakfast I went home and prepared myself for my next journey, The Festival of Colors!

I’ve heard about the festival for years and have never had anyone to go with.  So, when I saw the poster for this year’s festival I took a photo and texted it to I Heart to Fart with a message reading, “We’re going.”

The Festival of Colors is a traditional Indian holiday.  50,000 “revellers” flood to the temple and grounds for 2 days of brightly colored powder, mantra, music and a bit of "holi" mayhem.

In Sauerkraut terms, The Festival of colors is a modern day Woodstock.  You pack yourself into a car a tiny car with people you barely know, ride to the middle of nowhere, hike to an Indian Temple in the middle of nowhere and walk into a designated area with no toilets, no food and no water.  The only thing you do have is mantra music, a bag stuffed with smaller bags of color and a welcoming committee of strangers chucking colored powder at your face.

Although I knew what I was in for I still found it weird that I was allowing people to throw stuff on me and the fact that it was green really annoyed me, I liked yellow better.  But, it didn’t take me long to adjust.

The 3PM throwing.

I wish I could tell you I bought a bunch of cool crap, ate some awesome food, etc.  But the truth is we just stood around a dust covered temple tossing colors on each other.  At 3:00PM we all gathered for the final throwing of the festival and that was pretty interesting.  Everyone threw their colors in the air at the same time and for a split second it was cool… Then the colors all combine creating this golden dust storm.  There was awhile there when I couldn’t see my hand in front of me.  

After driving home we all went to our houses to shower meeting up at Chuck-A-Rama for dinner.  I haven’t eaten at a Chuck-A-Rama in YEARS, but that night I did.  I ate so many scoops of sour cream potatoes (AKA Funeral Potatoes, Momo’s you know what I’m talking about) it’s ridiculous; I haven’t had them in years so I was in heaven.  The best part was the company.  I was with I Heart to Fart, his man and two friends, one of which is hilarious!  So much so, I want to steal him for myself.   

Yesterday I started a diet, I am miserable.  I also went to get a blood draw and was rejected.  In addition I went to a podiatrist and had him rip out my ingrown toenail… That I’ve had for over 2 months.  

Originally he wanted to cut two strips off each side of my nail, in the hopes that my nail would grow up, not out, but I just couldn’t let him do that.  I like my fat toes and this is the first ingrown toenail I’ve gotten where I had to go in a have it removed.  The doctor said I’m just one of those people with bad toenails… They naturally curve under.  He said that I will probably get more of these in my lifetime, maybe I’ll eat my words in a few months and be back for the creep-tastic surgery, but for now, I’m going to keep my toes fat.

In other news I just got home from Artic Circle… With an ice cream cone.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Is There A Pot O' Gold At The End Of My Rainbow?

Sauerkraut Here!

For years I have boosted that I’m Irish and while I’m confident that I am Irish, I’m not sure how Irish I am, who knows, maybe I’m black!

So, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day I decided to get a DNA test.

My current bosses daughter used to work for a company called 23 and me, or she worked for a company in association to that company, I don’t fucking know.  Anyways, my boss did this test a few years ago and discovered that she is of Norwegian decent; she was also able to see which city in Norway she descended from.  Even crazier, she discovered that she may have some distant relatives living in Italy because they share 43% of her DNA.  Besides the heritage mapping there’s some other cool stuff, for example, it tests for over 100 traits and diseases.

So when I arrived at work to discover my overpriced kit ($207) sitting on my desk I was beyond excited!  And I happily spent my afternoon hawking spit into a tube, mixing it with liquid, placing it in some a bag and stuffing it in the mailbox.  Now I have to wait 6-8 weeks to discover if I am in fact Irish.

My gut tells me that not only will I discover I’m something stupid like English but I will also discover I have another brother or sister.

I will let you know the results.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Sunday Funday

Sauerkraut Here!

A few things…

Perhaps by writing this I am jinxing myself but it’s possible that I may get to live out one of my dreams… Being a mascot.  Yes!  A few days ago, in the morning meeting, I volunteered myself to be the Easter Bunny at the Easter celebration at the old people home.  I even went and picked out my costume, but then they made me change it.  Rawr!  Now I need to get rid of this fucking ingrown toenail so I can start practicing my moves, including the bunny hop.

For our Sunday Funday I Hear t to Fart and I took a day trip to Logan, Utah so I could trespass on his old property and take photos of a tree that fell on his house late last year for his insurance company.  After my mission was accomplished we spent some time driving around our old stomping ground, lots of memories for us both in that little town.

Where I Heart to Fart and I met. Aww.

The window I was hanging out of when I Heart to Fart asked me to move in with him. How romantical.

I Heart to Farts old dorm room, I lived across the hall.  It was nothing like we remembered.

After meeting I Heart to Fart he became a bad influence on me.  We once crawled under this fence which runs along the Logan River (I'm surprised we didn't roll into it... 

Walked across this walkway, in flip flops.  By the way, it was not a walkway when we went across, it was a metal pipe...  Wet with moisture.  

And had we fallen we would have been dead.  Keep in mind this was taped in February when the water is low, we crossed it in spring, when the water is crazy.

Events at the old people home today:

When I get ready in the morning I sweat, a lot.  Well it took a little longer for my thyroid to balance out this morning, so I was still sweating when I went to my morning meeting, in a tiny, hot room with shit tons of people.  I’d say I got out of there just in time.   Speaking of passing out…

One of our CNA’s was talking on the phone when she told the other person that her heart was racing and then she passed out.  Someone caught her.

During Resident Council one of our residents started yelling about another resident (a very well liked resident), threating to kill him for leaving his walker too far into the pathway.  It was his birthday today…  Which reminds, he tore up his happy birthday sign.

My favorite resident is dying.

Finally, in other news, I spent $15 to clean my poor car yesterday (it hasn’t been cleaned since last summer) and now it’s snowing, fucking Utah. 

That is all.

Sauerkraut


P.S.  I wish my neighbor's would die.