Izzy Goes To The Dentist

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Today is Izzy’s big day at the dentist. Apparently he’s in need of some major dental work because we were putting him to bed with milk in his sippy cup (Oops) and the little squirt wouldn’t stop grinding his teeth. Anyways, I just received a photo of him at the dentist office getting ready for his big day and he looks adorable!

Good luck buddy!

That is all.

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Working With Aadi

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Sheek Geek brought one of his dogs to work today, Ms. Aadi. 

I've given her the official tour and she’s meet lots of new friends, some with fur, and some without.  Currently I'm watching her while Sheek Geek works and it's so much fun to have a little dog on my lap... Even if I am having an allergic reaction.

Peace. Love. Aadi.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

The "Purge Urge"

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Last night I had to pick up my apartment because apparently my slumlord is selling the property and an appraiser is coming over to do some estimates. I was notified yesterday that this would be happening and as the day went on I started to wonder if someone would be looking at all the apartments, or just mine? Maybe they asked me because they know I’m not as gross as their other tenants?

Anyways, as I was picking up my apartment last night I got the “purge urge” and I instantly wanted to get rid of ¾ of the shit in my house. I started with a piece of art that got broken in the move. I haven’t done anything with it because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to replace the glass or just get rid of the art all together.

"Barbershop" by Jacob Lawerence - an American painter who's primary influence was the shapes and colors of Harlem.  He's best known for his series that depicted the epic Great Migration of African Americans from the rural South to the urban North.

Eventually I decided to save the art (because it’s by one of my favorite artists, Jacob Lawrence) and toss the frame. As I was taking apart the frame I discovered that I had stuck a painting my father did way back before I was born behind the Jacob Lawrence print.

My father's painting.

I don’t know much about my father, but I know this, he is an amazing artist. He’s had no training whatsoever but he’s truly very talented and I’ve always been amazed at his natural talent. This particular watercolor is not really my style but I keep it because it’s a piece of him. I don’t have much from him in fact this painting is one of only two things I have of him, the other is this fish magnet he made for me when I was about 11. If you’ve ever seen it on my refrigerator and wondered why I had this old, cracking fish magnet, that’s why.

If you look closely you can see his finger prints in the clay. So, now I need to figure out what I’m going to do with this painting, obviously I want to keep it, I just don’t know what to do with it?

In other news, today was the first day since the holiday break that I woke up on time for work. It felt nice to take my time in the shower, do my hair, put a little concealer under my eyes and slowly gather my stuff. On my way to work I realized what I was wearing and while I’m fine with it, others might think it’s weird, I wish I gave a shit. I decided to wear my favorite hippie shirt, my favorite hat, the lion, and drive South on I-15 with Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle (one of the best CD's ever by the way) bumpin’ in the speakers. What’s with me? I’m truly a disaster.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

You Have A Package

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Part of my job is to accept delivers, today I got a delivery for a co-worker and this is the conversation that followed:

Sauerkraut: “Hey Anthony?”
Anthony: “Mm, hm.”

Sauerkraut: “You have a package downstairs. I don’t know who it’s from? It’s not a small package, but it’s not huge either. I mean it’s a nice sized package…”

Upon hearing bursts of laughter from the boys upstairs I realized what I was saying and I decided it would be an appropriate time to just hang up the phone.

I am awesome.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Dirty Slut

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I’m not sure if I told you this yesterday, but my bedroom lights went out when I was trying to get ready for work, so I really did get ready in the dark. After work I went to the store to buy new ones and I saw HoBo! He was running and I wanted to stop the car and grab him, but it was cold and dark and I was not in the mood to chase a fucking cat.

When I got home I put my new bulbs in and it was like I had a whole new bedroom! I think I was living with one half-ass light bulb. Moving on… Because that was a really lame story and I’m not sure why I even shared that with you.

I was up all night with the screamers and it was not fun. I woke up with the BG’s and the next thing I knew I was tromping through my apartment to the bathroom. I’m no good at being sick, I sit there shivering with sweat dripping down my face and my body feels so weak that all I want to do is pass out on the floor with my pants around my ankles. Okay, I’m not going to lie, this happens every time.

When I thought I was done being sick I went back to bed but had to get up awhile later. I felt like I had lost 20 pounds as a result of being sick, but it magically it reappeared this morning when I tried to squeeze my fat ass into my pants. Sigh.

In other news, my nephew has a fungus. A fungus everyone thought was a birthmark. Unfortunately I’ve never noticed the fungus, which is surprising considering I’ve seen him naked more than I’ve seen him clothes. Should I be sharing this stuff? Apparently he got this fungus from a swimming pool/water park. I think it might be a result of him peeing in his bathwater, but every little kid does that, right? Do all little kids get a fungus? Some of us are predicting that it was from the time he kissed a girls butt at a water park. Regardless, I’m choosing to see the positive in the situation, let’s consider this his first lesson involving the opposite sex… Don’t get involved with a girl who will let you kiss her ass on the first encounter, because you might get a fungus. Dirty little slut.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Homesick

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Yesterday I spoke all about Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s cake and I never posted a photo, so here's a link to the photo... Because I couldn't figure out how to post it, blah.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-FSlFuGpgDl_l5eSyAMRIXEflHfieo5DwMeK0JbsLtmgv03inMTXJoroTU80WHjX0mfI6dIhpbAPntZtCD5ux8iyyUTa0ceDAHLNFR4-JnthG0PMAbRMpcBwvBdNZXkcGJEFgWMcyzE4V/s1600/DSC00517.JPG

Moving on… Ever since I got back from the holiday break I’ve had the hardest time getting out of bed. Waking up is normally not a problem, but getting out of bed is. My alarm goes off at 6:30AM, I push the snooze button (six times) and then at about 7:35AM I fly out of bed, bitch about how cold it is in my house and stagger into the shower. Here’s the thing, I love taking showers, love it. But! I hate, hate, hate getting my hair wet in the morning. By the time I get out of the shower I have about ten minutes to get ready before I need to be out the door. So, as you can imagine, I always look like shit.

Here’s something else that pisses me off… There’s this guy at my office who uses a dish everyday but for whatever reason he thinks it’s my job to clean up after him. Why can’t he just put his dirty shit in the fucking dishwasher!? I’ll tell you why, because he’s a fucking Mormon and he thinks that it’s a women’s job! Fucktard.

In other news, all of my W2’s have arrived and that means my cute little grandpa can do my taxes for me. Yes, I’m very spoiled. What are my plans for my tax returns? I’m getting my cahootie zapped! Fuck yes.

For whatever reason I’m feeling homesick, I miss my family and I miss my puppy. So, if the weather is good this weekend I think I’m going to try and take a quick trip home. Currently it’s snowing as if a whore with crabs was shaking her ass at the club. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Pink Like A Teenager

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Work sucked ass last week, I’m debating on if I should waste my time telling you all about it, or just tell you it sucked? Let’s just say I got my ass chewed, three times, by the CEO… Fuck my life. However, each time I was completely, one hundred percent, innocent. In other words, I got my ass reamed for no reason.

Friday night I ran a bunch of errands and then went home to make cake, lots and lots of cake! I forgot why I don’t do projects when I’m tired but I was reminded with Chickpea’s friend informed me that there was a fire inside my oven. Indeed, there was a fire inside my oven, complete with flames. Ha, ha.

Chickpeas friend got the bulk of the fire out by blowing on it, Chickpea was pretty much in panic mode the entire time and I was searching for cornstarch. It wasn’t until the next day that I remembered you use cornstarch for a grease fire… And this was not a grease fire. Sigh.

I spent my entire Saturday practicing Sheek Geek and Tar-J’s wedding cake. I wanted to make sure I could produce the cake they wanted before I told them I would do it, or rather before they decided they wanted me to make it for them. It turned out okay, but I’m confident the real one will be so much better, here’s why:

- I will not make the entire cake in one day.

- The cake will be much larger.

- I will not use a cake mix; the cake will be from scratch. Unless they liked the one from the box?

- I will be using better tasting fondant… In my opinion fondant never tastes good, but regardless the fondant I use next time will be flavored.

- The flowers will be real and all red.

- The stem will be thinner… I hate the stem!

- The leaves will also be thinner and more life like.

On Sunday Mr. Coconut and I went to the gym. Keep in mind this is the first time I’ve gone to the gym in years, seriously years. I was pretty pissed off the entire time, I swore a lot, said a bunch of foul and offensive stuff and debated whether or not to cry, I didn’t.

We left the gym early because Mr. Coconut didn’t want us to be so sore that he wouldn’t want to come back. Honestly, I thought this trip to the gym meant I was done for another six years. And the first thing I said when walked outside… “Does this mean I can eat now?”

When I got home I immediately showered, put on some warm/comfortable clothes and I couldn’t have been happier. Later in the day I thought it would be a great idea to attempt a backbend for the first time in years and not only did I hit my head on the floor I also hurt my back, I’m pretty sure I pulled a bunch of muscles. I also practiced my booty pop on the wall, I’m halfway there I just need to keep it going, I stop after about eight pops. Sigh, practice makes perfect.

Today was another jacked up day at work because without warning the sign company arrived to install our new lobby sign. At first I was excited but as soon as I saw the new sign I knew this was going to be mess. Now my new project is to fix the fucked up sign. In other boring news…

Today I was thinking about the first blog I ever created and it was so much more fun to read because I lashed out at everyone and everything. I could do that because no one read my fucking blog. In fact, I got pissed off that no one read my blog and I deleted it. So, now that I have three solid readers (holla!) I hold back a little, hence a boring blog. So, I’m no longer going to hold back. Here’s some fun stuff…

Last week my boss went to the gynecologist and apparently he told her she “had the vagina of a teenager, nice and pink.” She continued by telling me that it was because “nothing has poked around in there forever.” Sure I was a little weirded out that my boss was sharing this information with me but I tend to adore people who say mind-blowing shit, so I had to give her props… And I say a lot of foul shit myself.

About a week earlier I spent two and a half hours in her office listening to her bitch about her husband and how her marriage was failing. Honestly, it was good times. Moving on…

Let me tell you a little story, my neighbors downstairs have been fighting for two days and I’m loving every second of it. As soon as I hear yelling, I mute the TV, scurry to heating vent and press my face against it so hard that I’m left with an imprint on the side of my face… And don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing because you would. Currently, the chick put the dudes shit on the porch (next to the dirty diapers I hope) and I can’t wait for him to come pick it up. I’m predicting this, there will be a murder in my apartment complex or some make up sex. *Creeped out shiver* By the sex, not the murder.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. I do not listen in on the neighbor’s sex.
P.P.S.  I just found out they're fighting because the dude doesn't think the baby is his.