Sauerkraut At The Rodeo

Sauerkraut Here!

I just got home from the rodeo, and I have to admit, it wasn’t that bad.

My mom picked me up around 7PM and drove like a bat out of hell to get to the arena. It’s a very rare occasion that my mother drives crazy, but clearly this was one of those occasions. So, there we were flying down the road in my grandparents Toyota Avalon with the handicap permit swinging in the rear view mirror.

My mother planned on forking over five bucks, using the handicap permit and parking in the arena parking lot, but it was full. Full! I’ve never in my life known this parking lot to be full, ever! Anyways, my mother wasted no time looking for parking and we ended up parking in the hospital parking lot… Right next to the emergency room! Thank God we live in a little shit town where nothing happens.

Once parked my mother started freaking out because the car would not turn off, I calmly told her that the car would probably turn off once we got out. We got out, my mother rushed away and I calmly stood outside the car to insure that it was indeed off. It wasn’t, I could tell by the extremely loud alarm that was piercing my tender eras. I asked my mother for the keys, got in the car and started looking for the problem. It took my about three seconds to figure it out. “Hey mom. The next time you want the car to turn off… Put it in park!” Clearly someone was excited about the rodeo.

As we rushed across the field I found myself huffing and puffing like a chain smoker. Normally, I’m way ahead of my mom but today I was feeling like shit. So bad that my goal today was to shower by five… five PM! Anyways, we got inside the arena and the first thing I noticed was the wonderful aroma of bull shit. Get it! Bullshit! Ha! I also noticed that the air was dirty. Super. This is the perfect environment for someone with allergies and a sinus infection.

For the majority of the time I covered my nose and mouth with the sleeve of my shirt, something I’m notorious for. After a nice hike to row 29, I sat down, now wheezing and my aunt took one look at me and asked, “Do you need some Benadryl?” Nice. Turns out my cousin was also sick. I looked down the row and there she was, she looked like shit and her mouth was hanging open for air, just like mine.

A barrel race.  I think.

Bull riding.

I noticed we were the row of annoying people, the people who can’t sit still, always coming and going. It wasn’t long before I joined in the chaos fetching my mother a hot dog “with mayo and relish.”

I set off on my journey, ordered the food and come to find out they don’t accept cards, awesome. I spent the next ten minutes waiting in line at the ATM only to return to a pair of cold hot dogs. I made my way to the condiments counter and started dressing my mother’s hot dog with what I thought was relish. A picky eater, I’m not too familiar with this thing they call relish, turns out I put sauerkraut on the hot dog! Yup, sauerkraut, that’s me! When I was scrapping the sauerkraut into the garbage my cousin’s son came up to me. “Hi Jake,” I said. “I messed up my hot dog.” He replied, “relish is green.” Awesome. Thanks for the tip… About a minute too late! I felt really neat having a third grader tell me that I was an idiot for not knowing relish was green. Neat-O.

Joe and Jake, our little cowboys. 

I returned to my seat with a pair of overpriced, cold hot dogs, one of which was missing half a bun because it fell in the garbage when I was trying to scrap the sauerkraut off. My mom didn’t care and we continued watching the rodeo. She tried to explain to me what was going on, but I’m on so much medication a fucking horse could have squirted pink shit into the audience and I wouldn’t have noticed.

I ate my hot dog (I actually hate hot dogs, but I was hungry and the nachos screamed “you’ll barf me up later if you eat me,” so I went with the hot dog) and tried to enjoy the show while I hacked up radioactive mucus into hot dog wrappers.

Yup.  I did it.  I took a photo of my mucus.  Bummer for you.

The first thing I noticed was animal cruelty (in my opinion), but I did enjoy the “mutton busters!” Little kids riding sheep, it was pretty adorable and I couldn’t help but wonder if my nephews would one day be mutton busters. That’s something I wouldn’t miss for the world.

Animal cruelty.

Yee-ha!

Perhaps the best part of the rodeo was at the end. Not because it was over, but because I got the photo of a lifetime. I told my mom I needed to get a photo of a “Wrangler butt.” Quickly she started pointing them out and as I snapped away I stuck gold.

When I was leaving I saw one, lone black cowboy. I was so relieved to see a person of color after being packed in an arena with a shit ton of white, rednecks. When I saw him, I fell in love and thought to myself, “they do exist.”

No shortage of white people or cowboy hats here.

Now I’m home. The first thing I did was rescued the cat for the cold outdoors and then I ran to the bathroom and washed my hands, no surprise there. Overall I’d say I had a pretty good time. It wasn’t the time of my life, but at least I left the fucking house.

That is all.

Sauerkraut.

P.S. I went to the doctor yesterday. I know, I didn't believe it myself, but I thought I might have a sinus infection. Turns out its just extreme allergies that seem to be getting worse. Before they will give me a prescription I need to let my symptoms worsen or go on for a few more days. Clearly, the mucus that is oozing out of my eyeballs (I'm serious. I've woken up with green eyeball mucus for the past four days) is not enough. Thanks Lucifur... You suck fuck cat.

I'm sure having a cat's ass in my face is really speeding up my recovery.