Sauerkraut Goes To Portland

Sauerkraut Here!

I haven’t posted in a really long time because I’ve been traveling.  To make up for it I've written the biggest post ever!  But don't worry, there's pictures!  Here goes…

When I arrived in Portland we drove to PDX’s house to drop off my stuff before heading out for some shopping. Her house had a familiar scent, which I later diagnosed to be a hamster cage. Traveling through the living room and kitchen we squeezed my massive luggage down what felt like a birth canal, really it was her staircase. We ducked under a large, dented air duct marked in green duct tape, probably put there by whom ever created the dent, moved past the creepy “craft room,” rusty sink and poof! There it was, the self proclaimed “basement trolls” hideout.

There’s always a sense of comfort when I stay with PDX.  Regardless of where she’s staying she drags with her all of her favorite things, which in a weird way I find comforting. Recognizing the majority of her stuff I focused on the new and enjoyed our discussions about where she found it.

After a moment of rest we got back in the car and headed to Target in search of some black tights for PDX. We didn’t find any black tights, but PDX found a dress for work and I purchased some crazy socks and gel insoles for my stilettos, which we’ll talk about later. Our next stop was DSW, a shoe store. Danger! Danger! We spent a good two hours at the store trying on dozens of shoes and eventually I purchased a pair of super cute red leather flats.

For dinner it was Sagittarius, a personal favorite of PDX’s. In the mood for something new I tried the Rosemary Macaroni and Cheese and it was really good. I always know when something is really good because I think about it long after it’s gone. Anyways, I’ve thought about this damn stuff everyday for almost a week, I have a feeling I’ll visit every time I’m in town.

Did I mention that PDX had a broken toilet? Well she did. So we had to use the one upstairs, which really wasn’t an issue except for the fact that her roommates (both female and male) refuse to flush the toilet. Really. Every time I went upstairs to use the toilet it was full of piss, toilet paper or tampon wrappers. I’m just really glad I didn’t discover a bowl of shit.

The next day I was the lucky one because I got the last shower before the water was shut off. We had to go to PDX’s old house so she could shower. Which is all good, except that there are three cats living in that house and as you know, I’m very allergic and have had some recent health problems because of a specific cat. To avoid the “twitching eye” and any embarrassing moments as a result of too much medication I avoided the cats and any structure caked in their fur. Lucky for me PDX showers pretty fast, so all was good.

For breakfast we went to the Tin Shed Garden Café. I had the "You Gotta Have It," two eggs, a potato cake, chicken-apple sausage and sweet potato french toast.  It was yummy, but I splattered sausage grease all over my brand new tank top.

I don’t really remember what we did during the day, but I’m assuming we went shopping because that’s what we do.

That night we went to watch Lauren Weedman perform “Bust.” “A fictionalized version of herself in a solo show. The writer-performer has arrived — late — for an orientation meeting to be a volunteer advocate for those incarcerated in Southern California's penal system. She soon realizes just how tangled and nightmarish the system can be.”

I must admit I was really nervous about going to this show because I had no idea what I was in for. Honestly, I thought I was going to a fucking book reading. But, it turned out to be a pretty cool. After the show PDX purchased Laurens book and we talked with her briefly as she signed it, as a result PDX has developed a crush on Lauren and is pursuing her through Facebook, how new age.

Dinner is a bit of a blur because I took my sleeping pills a little too early. I remember driving around looking for an Italian restaurant, but it was so late that many of them had closed. We ended up at a Macaroni Grill, but thanks to my sleeping pills I had no idea that’s where we were. It wasn’t until PDX mentioned us being at a Macaroni Grill that I made the connection. That did explain why the décor looked similar, why the bread reminded me off a Macaroni Grill and why penne rustica was available on the menu. So yeah, I was a little out of it.

After dinner I tried to give my leftovers to a crazy, drug addicted homeless guy, but he didn’t want them, I was sad. I’m not sure how or why, but we ended up at Voodoo Doughnuts. I remember a really tall curb that prevented me from exiting the car, I remember leaving my yummy leftovers on the lid of a garbage can for a lucky homeless person and I remember making some random friends. I also, remember chanting “Voodoo Doughnuts!” I remember I had two doughnuts, the Maple Bacon Bar and one that tasted like Tang. I don’t think I knew I was ordering a Tang doughnut, but I do remember watching an orange colored doughnut spin around in a display case and wanting it. Regardless, it was yummy.

Walking back to the car I met up with my friends again, I think they were the same people; yeah I’m pretty sure. And they either wanted my doughnut or to come with us? I remember placing a slice of doughnut bacon on the same garbage can lid as my penne rustica to lure in a homeless person and dancing, but that’s about it. I honestly, don’t remember driving home, getting in bed or falling asleep, so yeah.

The next morning was the Saturday Market, my favorite! Compared to other farmers markets I’ve visited this one’s the biggest and has the weirdest crap. So, if you want random, homemade crap, this is the spot.

On our way we grabbed some fresh grapes and Pearl Sugar Waffles from the Waffle Window, they’re really good.

At the market I purchased tie-dye long johns, a lion hat, a peacock hat and some cupcakes. Do I need any of this crap? No.

It wasn’t long after I purchased my lion hat that I realized people probably thought I was a furry, but whatever. I also overheard a little girl, about seven, tell her guardian that my hat was “disturbing” and to please get her away from me. Neat O. The cupcake guy told me I reminded him of John Candy’s character, “Barf” in the movie Spaceballs and later, while modeling my new goods PDX told me I could be mistaken for a Grateful Dead Bear.

So yeah, neat. Anyways, I had a ball at the market and apparently we spent too much time shopping because when we got back to the car, there was a parking ticket on the window. Oops.

I think we went to see Portland’s Rose Gardens, but we got lost and ended up at the Pittock Mansion.

The Pittock Mansion is a French Renaissance château in the West Hills of Portland, Oregon originally built as a private home for The Oregonian publisher Henry Pittock and his wife, Georgiana. It was built in 1909, has 22 rooms and is situated on 46 acres, crazy!

We went on a three minute hike in the rain, I peed in the woods and then we walked around the Pittock Mansion because we were too cheep to pay eight dollars to go inside. I must admit it was a very pretty.

For lunch we ate at the Grilled Cheese Grill. A cute little place resting on the corner in a gravel lot stuffed with an airstream kitchen, a few picnic tables and a rad school bus for additional seating.

I had “The Gabby,” four cheeses – Cheddar, Colby Jack, Swiss, and mozzarella on sourdough.” And I can’t for the life of me remember what PDX got, but I know she really wanted to try “The Cheesus Burger.” A bun replaced with two grilled cheese sandwiches, one on top, one on the bottom. Pickles and American cheese inside one, grilled onion and Colby Jack in the other. Lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, and 1/3lb burger in between.

After stuffing our face with food it was time to prepare ourselves for a cocktail party at a friend of PDX’s fancy condo and The Red Dress Party (a fundraiser for the AIDS foundation).

At some point I decided I had to use the bathroom and instead of taking my stilettos off to attempt the birth canal I just went for it. I made it upstairs, but on the way back, I came so close to falling down the stairs that I pulled my leg muscle and let out a very weird noise, sort of a ghostly moan.

While preparing for the parties we discovered a “Beyond Bizarre” walking tour. Excited to experience the supernatural we booked our tickets immediately and headed out to the cocktail party, I was dressed like a pirate. After the party we changed our clothes and stopped at Safeway so I could get a coffee. While on my pursuit I saw an old man wearing one of those huge, foam cowboy hats. I liked that.

The tour was indeed bizarre. In fact, it was the worst fucking tour of my life and that reminds me, I need to write them a nasty review online. During the tour we did visit The White Eagle, one of the most haunted locations in the Northwest, supposedly.  We also got attacked by fireworks, some freaks attending the rave across the street threw them at us, so that was fun.

Because it was so late we went to The Boiler Room Bar at the Kennedy School for dinner…

“Since its 1915 opening, this historic elementary school has been a beloved fixture of its Northeast Portland neighborhood. McMenamins renovated the once-abandoned scholastic gem and turned it into Portland's most unique hotel. Here you'll find 35 comfy guestrooms fashioned from former classrooms (complete with original chalkboards and cloakrooms, private baths and telephones), a restaurant, multiple small bars, a movie theater, soaking pool, gift shop and a brewery (just wait until the principal hears about this!). Extensive original artwork and historical photographs cover the walls, ceilings, doorways and hallways.”

When we arrived I realized that the stupid insole from my stiletto was stuck to the bottom of my sneaker and I was kind of upset because those stupid things cost seven bucks! However, dinner was free, so that made up for it. I don’t remember what I had, but when it was time to go I realized I hadn’t paid for my meal, they forgot to charge me. Having never stolen anything in my life, I tried to explain the situation to PDX, but she didn’t care and continued walking to the car, so I followed her. When we reached the car we realized that I was so upset about the insole that I just didn’t bother closing my car door… Because I’m awesome. Anyways, it wasn’t until we were halfway home that we determined that indeed I never paid for dinner.

Is anyone still reading this? Moving on…

On my last day in Portland we had breakfast with a friend of PDX’s. We ate at Byways Café, one of PDX and I’s favorites. Continuing the tradition I had the Blue Corn Pancakes with Pecan Honey Butter. PDX’s friend had some good stories to share with us and my personal favorite was about a 96 year old Greek woman he was caring for (he’s a Hospice nurse). While preparing to give the woman a catheter she rolled onto her side and said, “he is going to give me sex and I am going to enjoy it.” Dying! Then when they tried to insert the catheter she flipped out and started attacking him. Even better! Good times.

Afterward we hit up a thrift store and dropped off PDX’s friend. When we got back to PDX’s house I felt so exhausted, so exhausted that I took a nap. Now, if you know me at all you know that I hate naps! I loathe them. I was the kid that refused to take a nap and would put up a fight until someone would convince me to just lay there in the dark so the others kids could sleep. Anyways, when I awoke we headed back to DSW so I could return my new shoes. Sure I wore them for a good day and half and they were a smidge dirty on the inside, but they gave me blisters. As much as I love popping blisters I knew that the chances of me wearing them again were slim.

Anyways, while traveling to the store I realized why I was so tired, I was roofied! Yes! When we dropped PDX’s friend off he was kind enough to give me some Advil for my massive headache and an additional tiny pill he claimed was “for allergies,” but it wasn’t! It was a roofie! He roofied me so he could bang my friend when I was asleep, but his plan did not work! Okay I wasn't really roofied.  Moving on…

Still on the hunt for some black tights, I grabbed some coffee and we headed off to every Old Navy in the city, okay no really, but it sounds better. Eventually we ended up at Powell’s Bookstore, a massive bookstore that takes up an entire city block in downtown Portland. One would think I would hate this trip, but I actually loved it, I was in heaven. I was surrounded by rows and rows of crafting books, cupcake books and children’s books! And by the end of our trip I purchased a few reads: “Coraline,” “James and the Giant Peach” and “Walter the Farting Dog.” I was so excited to find “Walter the Farting Dog” because I had wanted it forever. P.S. When I got home I realized I already had the fucking book, so now I have two! I’ll probably give it to my nephew. Fuck my life.

Anyways, for our final dinner together we went to some Mexican restaurant… Thinking… Thinking… La Bonita! Yes, yes. I had the chicken taquitos. Something you may not know about me is that I have always wanted to write a children’s book. Okay not always, but since about seventh grade. Anyways, we talked about it over dinner and PDX is the only one who knows what the book is going to be about and I’d like to keep it that way, just know it’s going to be good. In fact, as soon as I finish this massive post, I’m going to start writing it. I’m super excited.

After dinner we went back to PDX’s friends house, whom I will forever refer to as “Roofie.” Anyways, after a brief visit we headed home so I could pack and get some rest.

The next morning woke up super early. Seriously, I woke up an hour before I had to because I’m an idiot and I set my alarm according to the wrong time zone. Anyways, I was in a really weird mood that day. I felt tired, sick, really uncomfortable, and easily irritated.

At the airport I had to go back for my boarding pass, because I’m an idiot and I forgot it.  Then, I got in a massive line for Starbucks. Right before it was my turn this lady behind me gets out of line, walks over to the pastry window, looks at the pastries, and gets back in line… In front of me! I was so pissed, seriously. I was fighting back urges to take my shoe off and beat her in the head with it, but I held back. In fact, I didn’t even yell at her. Instead as she was walking away, I said in a very monotone voice, “Really? Thank you. Thank you so much for cutting in line, that was awesome.” This is progress my friends. Trust me this is progress.

The flight home was long and uncomfortable, but I left Portland feeling creatively inspired and I’m excited to develop some of my inspiration.

When I got to Salt Lake City, Utah Mr. Coconut picked me up from the airport. We drove to his house and again I took a nap. Weird. Mr. Coconut left for work and I was left alone searching for food in a house occupied by two single guys, super. I ended up eating frozen chicken patties and Rice Krispy Treats for dinner.

The next day was super wonderful, not only did I feel like crap, but also I had to get my cahootie looked at by a doctor and that’s always fun. After being violated I went to lunch with my Sisterhood at The Dodo. It’s always good to see these girls and I wish I could spend hours with them, seriously.

Anyways, it was Brazil Nuts time to host and she pulled it off. She even spoiled us with cute little pots of purple violets, which by the way were potted correctly, so impressed.

Before heading back to Idaho I got a rock chip repaired and wasted some money I don’t have on some cake making supplies.

When I got home I tried to do some laundry, but I had to stop because clearly I was too tired. Not only did I wash an entire load with no soap I also washed an entire load with three wooden hangers. Awesome.

Today I started Weight Watchers and it’s killing me! It’s so hard! Gyro is my inspiration because every time I see her, she looks so good. Plus she’s so supportive. Anyways, I also spent the day trying to write this massive post and began writing my children’s book.

Okay, I’m sick of this shit, so I’m done.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. We never made it to the Red Dress party and I got a new cupcake book.  I can’t wait to start baking! Fucking Weight Watchers.