Crap And Stuff

Sauerkraut Here!

It’s Saturday morning and I was up before 7AM, doing laundry before 8AM. I’m sure my neighbors love me.

Speaking of which, my neighbors have sex on a regular basis and unfortunately for me I live in an apartment with little to no insulation. The good news is, it never lasts long and the bad news is, they really need to spice things up because it’s always the same routine: moan, moan, moan, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, slap of the ass, slap of the ass, some nasty comment and done.

Perhaps I would feel better about them boinking on a regular basis if they weren’t disgusting. The girl is short and fat… The kind of fat where the person can’t keep their mouth closed or they’ll pass out. The guy is even shorter, skinnier and likes to smoke outside in his robe and fuzzy slippers, sexy. Moving on…

The other night I tried to play table topics with Mr. Coconut, if you don’t know, Mr. Coconut is not a guy of many words. So, in an effort to get him to talk (about anything!) I pulled out Table Topics. Basically Table Topics is a collection of little cards with questions on them, they’re supposed to spark conversation.

Question 1: “Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for?”

Answer: “A contract killer… Do you know how much they make!”

I sat there staring at him, contemplating if I should I be in the same room as him.

Question 2: “What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine?”

Answer: “A strip club in Vegas!”

At this point I decided I no longer wanted to play the game.

In other news, I hung out with Sheek Geek and his fiancé (In need to come up with a nickname for her) last night, we talked wedding cake. It was good times and so nice to get some girl time. P.S. Thanks for dinner Sheek Geek!

Today I’m getting my armpits zapped and pricing out how much it would cost to get my cahootie zapped. Considering I almost passed out when I got waxed I’m thinking that 8/9 zaps is better than a lifetime of waxing. Plus, when I’m old, laying in a hospital bed, I won’t be the old lady with the Amazon between her legs that all the young girls make fun of, right?

After my zap appointment I’m going to breakfast with Chickpea, Sheek Geek and his fiancé, then I’m supposed to hang out with I Heart To Fart. Seriously, I’m so excited for today!

One last story… I had to attend an event for work on Tuesday and I knew exactly where the building was, but apparently the parking situation was a challenge.

I pulled into what I thought was the underground parking garage and quickly realized it was an exit. I backed out, dodging a few high schools returning from their lunch break, I pulled into the next opening, a ground level parking lot, or so I thought. Nope! It was the common grounds between the buildings… In other words, I was driving between the buildings where people are supposed to walk from building to building, not drive! I was wondering why paved the lot in bricks and not concrete. Again, I backed out, driving passed a classroom full of MoMo’s at what I would later discover was the LDS Business College. This time I pulled into an underground loading dock that clearly was not meant for me to enter. Again, I backed out, dodging more high school kids. I returned to the original underground parking lot and realized that right next to the exit sign, was an entrance sign.

Then I found myself in an elevator with a message reading “God wants to help us, blah, blah, panic!!! Turns out I was inside the LDS Business College! No wonder the air was heavy and stagnant. I rushed outside, walked the long way around the building (not on purpose) and eventually found my way to my event. Sigh.

That is all.

Sauerkraut