A Hefty Goal

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m hesitant to write about this topic for several reasons:

1) I’m not trying to compete with anyone. Meaning I’m not trying to be skinner than anyone.

2) I might fail… And there’s nothing, NOTHING! More embarrassing to me than failure. I could start my period, in public wearing white pants and it wouldn’t embarrass me, failure does. If I don’t tell anyone about my goals and I fail, it’s no biggie, because no one knew about my goals. However, if I tell someone about a goal and fail, then I’m embarrassed that I failed because I’m not perfect (my idea of perfect). Then, every time I talk/see you I will feel like you’re judging me for being a failure in life. And now you know how Sauerkraut works. Moving on…

So… Fuck this is hard for me… I, Sauerkraut am trying to lose weight. There I said it. It’s been a rough six years and I have gained a ton of weight as a result, here’s why:

1) I am an emotional eater. Yup! I eat when I’m happy, I eat to be social, I eat when I’m stressed (about being a failure in life), I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m angry and I eat when I’m bored. In other words, I’m always eating!

2) When I eat, I eat junk… Because it tastes fucking good. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a picky eater and that I don’t like the taste of many “healthy” foods. Therefore, there are not many healthy options I’m willing to eat. You may be thinking, “Sauerkraut! Why don’t you try some of these healthy options?” Or, “You’ll learn to enjoy these healthy options if you just give them a chance.” No, fuck you. I HAVE tried healthy options and they blow. More importantly I will ALWAYS love junk food, ALWAYS! There will NEVER be a day when I will choose a salad over a chicken sandwich with cheese. If I do order the salad, it’s because I’m trying to be “healthy,” but I will be thinking about the chicken sandwich with cheese the entire fucking time.  Also, the whole “Don’t deprive yourself, eat what you love but in smaller portions” saying, IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! Do you honestly think that I’m going to eat half a cupcake!? And guess what! I still taste the deliciousness of the cupcake long after “three bites,” so that saying, is also a crock of shit.

3) I hate exercising. Let me repeat this, I HATE EXERCISING! Think of something you really hate, for me it’s Mormons. I would rather dress in conservative clothes, sit through a fucking sacrament meeting and shake hands with 20 different child molesters than exercise. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. It takes everything and I mean EVERYTHING in me to go to the gym. And just because I make to the gym doesn’t mean it’s all downhill from there, no. I really have to push myself to get started, stay and finish my workout. If my thoughts were being broadcast for everyone to hear, I’d offend a lot of people, even the sailors (the sailors, “you cuss like a sailor.”). “But Sauerkraut, don’t you feel better afterward?” No! I want a fucking shower and some junk food. “Sauerkraut, why don’t you find something you enjoy?” What don’t you get? If it involves sweat, I DON’T LIKE IT. “But Sauerkraut, you swam for 10+ years.” And sometimes, I considered hiding in the locker room instead of going to practice… Bummer about my aunt being the coach.

So, if you haven’t figured it out losing weight will probably be the hardest thing I ever do in life, considering I don’t plan on having a child. I’ve started small by:

1) Eliminating soda. I actually didn’t drink soda until I got out of high school; soda was “bad” for a swimmer.

2) Eliminating coffee. I actually avoided coffee until I was about 27, because it makes your teeth yellow? Now (thanks to PDX), I love coffee, but I love things like frappuccino's, not black coffee. So, I’m eliminating coffee because: it’s expensive, it’s full of sugar and it makes your teeth yellow… In my case yellow-er.

3) Eliminating eating out. This will probably be the toughest one, by far. But, it will save me a ton of money and improve my diet. Maybe when I reach my goal I can start eating out occasionally? We’ll see.

4) Exercising. I need to exercise.

Currently, my goal is this… Lose 18lbs. by Memorial Day. What do you think? Too ambitious? I actually think this is a pretty reasonable goal considering you’re only supposed to lose 1-2 lbs. a week and during that time I will gain some muscle… Hopefully.

If I reach my goal I get the following… A new pair of jeans… Hopefully in a smaller size and this is assuming I don’t blow the crotch out of my current pair before May. And a pass to the tanning salon. Yes! I shall lose weight to be healthy and fuck it all up by getting skin cancer. Joy!

So, my plan is to document my up’s and down’s (there will be WAY more down’s) and hopefully, by sharing with goal with you, my Blog Buddies, I will be too afraid to fail and actually achieve my goal.

I started my flab-tabulous journey on… 2/22. I will not tell you how much I currently weigh, nor will I take photos of myself in my underwear. Actually, I might… But I won’t share them with you until I look better.

Not me, but I have mad respect for this girl.

What I will tell you is if I lose/gain weight, how much and some other exciting stuff. For example:

- I hate the gym, because it’s a meat market. If you’re wearing a face full of make-up and large hoop earrings while running on a treadmill, you’re not working out. What you are doing is looking to get poked by a dick… Probably a small one considering the guys you’re interested in are more than likely on steroids. Moving on…

- My vagina sweats profusely when I jog… I almost took a photo to post of my sweat drenched pants last night, but I thought that would scare you off? Does this mean I need a different type of pant? Are there anti-sweaty cahootie pants?
- Yesterday I forgot my second bra. Yes, I have to wear two. Anyways, I forgot my second bra, which is a sports bra, so I was left with a junky, push-up bra from Victoria’s Secret. Please note, I am not wearing a push-up bra to try and have bigger boobs at the meat market, but rather, it’s one of my only junk bras. Whatever, the whole point to this comment is this; my tits were flapping all over the place! It was like a pair of bouncy balls in an earthquake… Now they’re sore. Think about this if you ever want a boob job. May I also remind you that big tits sweat like a whore in church? Moving on…

- Running, who am I kidding? Jogging really hurts my big toes. How do I explain it? I feel like I’m getting blisters on the sides of my big toes when really I’m just putting pressure on my calluses. Does this mean I’m running incorrectly? Does this mean I need different shoes? Some insoles? What?

- When I’m done using a machine, I flip it off and move to the next.

- When I run… Dammit! Jog! When I jog! I repeat the following phrase over, and over, and over in my head, “Bowling Alley, Izzy, Dweedle. Bowling Alley, Izzy, Dweedle. Bowling Alley, Izzy Dweedle.” Aside from wanting to be healthier and thinner, I want to be able to keep up with my nephews… They are young, boys and I****d’s. I, am an overweight auntie.

So my friends let my shit-fuck, awful journey begin…

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Weigh-in’s are on Tuesday’s.