"I Pee Myself"

Sauerkraut Here!

This weekend I went to Salt Lake City, Utah.

I woke up super early on Friday and headed out around 10AM. No, no, I take that back. When I went to say goodbye to my mother she asked me if I would go pick up the dog shit in her yard, so I rushed over there. When I got there I received a phone call from my grandmother, she wanted my help loading the bus. Needless to say, I left about two hours late.

Mr. Coconut asked me to watch his 3-year-old daughter, Breeze, on Friday and I agreed, thinking to myself, “how hard could it be.” Well, I found out why I don’t babysit. Seriously. The last child I watched was my niece and that was about 12 years ago… And my mother was there to help me.

The first thing I had to do was buy her new shoes. Actually, Mr. Coconut paid for them; I just took her to the store. Anyways, she needed new shoes because her father let her leave the house in some whack ass plastic “princess heels.” Not only were they so old that they had turned yellow, but they were 3-4 sizes too big and the decorations on the front had been torn off! So, I took her to the store, picked out six pair of cute shoes and let her choose. I was really pushing for the pink, plaid shoes, but she wasn’t having it. She wanted another pair of fucking princess shoes! Super.

I immediately put the shoes on her feet and we walked to the craft store so I could get my fix. I blew a shit ton of money, on I don’t know (how sad is that) and we headed off to find a snack. When I asked Breeze what she wanted to eat? She replied, “chicken” and I already knew what she meant, she wanted some chicken nuggets. When we got to McDonald’s I decided we’d go inside for a few reasons:

- To kill some time.
- To avoid anything spilling in my car.
- To let her run off some energy on the playground thing.

When we got inside, Breeze ran for the play area and I proceeded to place our order. When I went into the playground area I heard a screaming child and I asked one of the parents if “it was mine.” Indeed it was.

Way at the top of the three-story playground was Breeze, screaming and crying! When I signaled for her to come down it was obvious that she was not about to budge. So there I was, a sausage in a sausage casing, squeezing my voluptuous self through the colorful tubes of the playground. Nevermind that I’m a claustrophobic, germaphobe and every second of the journey I was weak with panic.

When I finally reached my crying darling there were two kids between us, one was a beautiful little girl and the other was a mentally challenged little boy with a heart of gold. He kept telling me he was trying to help her get down, but I’m sure that only made the situation worse.

I scooped her up, placed her on my lap and began making the journey to the slide. It wasn’t long before I noticed she was sitting in a puddle of piss about the size of a salad plate. Not to mention my pants were wet and there was a trail of piss following us as we scooted for the exit.

What does one do in this situation? Beat her ass for getting scared? No. I did the only thing I could think of… Clean her!

I wrapped her coat around her waist (in an effort to hide the pee), asked the guy at the register to put our order in bags and rushed her to the car. On the car ride home I tried to figure out what happened, but who really understands the words coming out of 3-year-olds mouth? Not me. However, I did catch her saying “I pee myself.”

When I got her home I stripped her down, plopped her in the tub and scrubbed the shit out of the poor thing. Terrified of getting charged with child abuse (another reason I don’t babysit) I asked her to wash her own “private parts…” She washed her belly. Awesome. I wrapped her in a towel, held her (by request) and placed her in her fathers gigantic t-shirt. I threw her clothes in the washer, turned on some cartoons and fed her cold McDonalds! What!?

The next day I woke up super early and went shopping for meatballs. I drove to the gym… Ha! Who do you think this is? Hell no I wasn’t working out! I went to pick up a crock-pot I was borrowing from Gyro. Anyways, I prepared my meatballs and headed to Ogden, Utah for a book signing. My old boss and my “little brother” wrote a book together and I went to support them. It was good to see them and I’m excited to read their book, which I now own a copy of. If you want to know more about the book I posted something about it awhile back, I think it’s titled “Blogs of Wrath?”

That night I went to Mr. Coconut’s sisters house to play games, Phase 10 to be exact. Last time I went I had a lot of fun and I was hoping for the same experience. Instead I found myself driving in the snowy dark for some coffee. Yes, I got lost. Surprise! Anyways, I won the game and my night was cut short because Mr. Coconut had to boo boo and he didn’t want to blow up the bathroom at his sister’s house with all those people there. Oh!  And a tree branch fell on my car, from what I can see there is no damage... Yet.  Moving on…

Sunday I was lazy. I did visit Gyro at her house and as always, her mother was the entertainment. I wish my mother would sing along to the television in Greek, clapping her hands in her nightgown. Together we visited Brazil Nut and her life is just super adorable. Her hubby was cooking this amazing food and I kid you not, this was the best, most juicy piece of steak I’ve ever had! Seriously! Super yummy. I ended the night watching the movie “The Blindside,” super tender.

Today was my March Sisterhood. As always it was super good to see the girls, but I’ve got to admit, I was so out of it thanks to the “McDonald’s Playground Flu.” Everyone wore green, even Gyro, and we ate at Paradise Bakery. Originally it was McCool’s Public House, but one night I realized that I get way too caught up in themes, I hate Irish food and I really hate McCool’s, so I switched it to Paradise.

Brazil Nut won the prize because she’s adorable and because I didn’t get her a wedding gift or birthday gift. Plus she just bought a house, so the prize could come in handy.

Now I’m home. Sick with what feels like the beginning of a sinus infection, or the “McDonald’s Playground Flu.” My mother and I are already fighting… Because she called and I told her “I didn’t want to be on the phone anymore.” My uncle is ignoring me because my grandparents are gone and he doesn’t have to be nice now.

On the way home I saw 12 cops, three squished skunks, one sign reading, “drug dog ahead,” and zero construction workers working on the messes they created. Joy.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

Ultimate Party Meatballs

1 14-ounce can Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce
1 12-ounce bottle Heinz Chili Sauce
1 2-pound bag frozen, pre-cooked, cocktail-size meatballs

Combine sauces in a large saucepan.  Cook over medium-low heat, stirring until smooth.  Add meatballs. Cover and cook for 15 minutes or until meatballs are heated through, stirring occasionally.

Makes 30 appetizer servings.