Daddy Troubles

Sauerkraut Here!

I’m feeling mad, very mad, super mad. So mad that not even my zombie pills can curb my anger.

For some reason, unbeknown to me, I’ve been thinking about my father a lot lately. I don’t like this. I don’t normally speak of my father simply because I don’t really know him and for the past decade I’ve blocked him from my thoughts. Until recently, I didn’t know if he was dead or alive.

For some reason I’ve started asking myself questions: where does he live? What does he look like? Do we have anything in common? Does he know I exist? Will I regret it if I never see/speak to him again? Etc. But here’s the thing… For the bulk of my life, I’ve been without him. It’s always just been mom and me and we’ve done just fine. Shit! I’d say my mom did a damn fine job!

Anyways, I’ve never been angry toward him (until now, but we’ll get to that), I’ve never blamed him for my life’s misfortunes, wished he were around for an event, etc. It’s almost like he’s never really existed. So why, after all these years, am I starting to wonder? It’s bothering me, a lot! Moving on…

About a decade ago my father decided to write off my brother and I. Not that he was really ever around, but he really wrote us off. Briefly here are my feelings toward my father:

1) When I was little he was a part of my life and I have nothing but fond memories of him.

2) I wonder why he decided to cut off contact with us? I didn’t even have the chance to do something to piss him off, at least not to my knowledge.

As you all know I have a nephew who I love and adore with all my heart. What bothers me is that my father ditched my brother and I (which I’m totally fine with), replaced us with his current wife’s children/grandchildren (which I’m fine with), but has failed, in my opinion, to be a grandfather to my nephew.

My father has only laid eyes on his grandson once in his two years of life. What hurts is that my nephew will only know what my brother and I share with him regarding this side of the family. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much to share with him… Because I don’t know the guy!

So tonight I got a phone call from my brother, he found a website and some video about our father. I guess my father started a community garden and their video was about some birdhouses he’s building for his “grandchildren…” Not including my nephew.

I’m so mad at him! I want to wait in the dead of the night for him to walk past and attack him! I want to scream at him and ask him why he won’t be more involved in his grandson’s life. What is his deal!? I don’t get it!? Look at my nephew! He’s freaking adorable!

Perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that my nephew, and the one on the way, are surrounded by so many people that love them that they’ll never know what they’re missing out on. It’s just sad.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. You can make a donation to my father’s community garden in memoriam. I was thinking about making a donation… In memory of my father. Would that be fucked up or funny? I can’t decide.