Dear Diary...

Sauerkraut Here!

I have super rad news! After applying for tons of wonderful careers I have finally been offered, not one, but two jobs! The first is a part-time position at a local craft store. And the second is a babysitting job, I mean a “positive influence trainer.” As much as I’d love to spend everyday with my favorite two people, I fear Dweedle’s first word would be “fuck.” So, I will accept the job as a fabric cutter. A fabric cutter with a college degree, that’s me! Deep down my mother is beaming with pride.

More fun stuff! My uncle got pissed off and decided to clean my grandparent’s basement, scary!!! While doing so he found a box of my stuff, stuff I had completely forgotten about. The first awesome find was some awful art.

Ironic that I just finished posting about what an awful painter I am and then I find this beauty.    

What the fuck is this?  A cavity?

I'm guessing I had a crush on a Puerto Rican guy?  Again, no wonder I couldn't get a boyfriend.

I swear on my life I have tears in my eyes over this next "drawing," are you ready for it?  This my friends is a "drawing" of my best buddy, PDX, at our highschool prom...

Please don't hate me.

I have to...  Just to make PDX feel better, I also have a drawing of our old friend Jen-Bo...

I'm crying!  CRYING! 

The next, and best discovery was my diary from 1997. Here my friends, is an excerpt from my diary, complete with awful grammar, spelling and punctuation…

September 1st, 1996

Dear Diary,

Last night I had a dream I was in the back of Lelands truck. He had his arm around me and his hand on my bare hip. It was cold from the breeze but having his hand there I didn’t fell cold. Later in the dream we kissed. When I awoke I continued thinking about my dream I thought of Jordon instead of Leland who was in the dream with me. I know I have a huge crush on Jordon. But I’m not sure why, I never even notice him until Amanda reveled her crush on him. But even then I didn’t notice him. I first noticed him when she said he had a crush on me somehow I still don’t believe her. But I do.

Reason I think he does

- When we ran into each other Amanda said he look back to see who it was then whispered something to Kasey.

- We’ve stared at each other for long periods of time (about 3 or 4 times)

- Amanda said he glared at Brandon when he said he liked me.

Reasons he wouldn’t like me.

- Not popular

- Not that thin or pretty

- Why would he know who I was

- Could have been glareing cause it was rude!

- Amanda could of lied.

- I’m not smart

Of course I’m not sure why I like him! Is it because Amanda said he liked me and then a few things happened or do I really like him? I’m not sure I would really even go out with him because I almost would rather flirt forever. Everyday I think of him and think of all the visions I had of him. Of course I wouldn’t mind dancing with him at a school dance. But then people would probly tease him and say stuff like you danced with her… I don’t even know how to act around him. We’ve never spoke or anything. Bit I’ll keep thinking!

Yours,

Sauerkraut

There you have it, my teenage angst. A couple things come to mind…

1) I’m an idiot.

2) Was I having wet dreams at such a tender young age? Awkward.

3) His hand was on my “bare hip,” clearly I have a very dirty mind.

4) Did I steal Amanda’s crush? To this day I swear she had a crush on Casey, not Jordan? Maybe she did have a crush on Jordan and that’s why she’s not my number one fan, I’m a fucking home wrecker!

5) Sure he looked back to see who just ran into him. If I remember correctly this kid was skinny and I on the other hand, was built like a brick shit house, I probably dislocated his shoulder. Smooth, very smooth.

6) We “looked at each other, three or four times!” My classmates were already porking each other and I was “looking at boys,” what a loser.

7) I still would rather flirt with a guy, “forever” than go out with them.

8) At the end I say, “I’ll keep thinking…” About what? More wet dreams?

9) I guess I thought you had to be smart to get a guy, now I know better... All you need are huge tits and a Pikachu.

And finally, to cap off the evening, I fell on my ass. After teaching my private swim lesson I was walking toward the front desk when I slipped on some water. It hurt like hell, but not bad enough that I couldn’t sit on the ground for a moment, lower my head and mutter, “awesome.” Eventually, I got my fat ass up (which really protected some vital organs I might add), gathered my shit and scooted out the door passing an audience of people without fat asses to protect their vital organs. Now my hand, hip and ass are bruised, seriously and I’m having trouble breathing. Tomorrow I will wake up, forget about the fall, convince myself that somehow I became a paraplegic in my sleep (probably a result from a rambunctious wet dream) and call my mother in a panic.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S. Stay tuned for more excerpts from my diary!