Getting Caught Up

Sauerkraut Here!

Late night posting, my favorite… You never know what I’m going to say. Maybe I’ll behave and maybe I won’t?

Couple things…

- My mother finally saved up enough money to put a shower in at her house, we haven’t had one since I lived in Escondido, California, that’s about 23 years ago.  Can you imagine? My uncle did the tile work and then it sat for about a month before I flipped out and decided I would take it upon myself to paint the fucking walls. I gave myself six days to complete this project. One day to paint the ceiling, another for the first coat of paint, a second coat of paint, a day to do nothing because I’m pissed off at the project, a day to do the trim and a day to put it all back together.  To make a long story short, I had to paint the fucking thing twice, but it got done and on schedule. Here’s her new bathroom...

- My puppy got sick one day, poor guy.

- I think I know one of these, just saying.

Read the bottom item 

- The dog killer. I went to a POW*MIA rally with my mom and on the way home a guy pulled up next to us on a Harley (big surprise). My mom told me she knew him and that he CUT OFF THE HEAD OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS DOG AND MAILED IT TO HER! I wanted so badly to ram my grandparents little RAV4 (with the handicap sign swinging in the rearview mirror) into him. Who does that kind of shit? Sick fuck hole.

- I’m having car troubles. First, I found out I need new strut mounts, whatever the fuck those things are? Then, when I was driving to Lava Hot Springs to teach swim lessons I got behind a gravel truck… A gravel truck that was shooting rocks onto the highway, big rocks! I tried everything to avoid this truck, I slowed down, I went fast, I went off the road (in a VW Beetle) and still my car got fucked up.

Yup, I took this while driving.

I got 23 tiny dings in my windshield (yes, I counted), 1 mondo ding and tons of tiny dings on the hood of my car, I was/am livid! But! Karma got this motherfucker… On the side of the road was a police officer checking out an abandon car, I’m assuming he got bombarded by rocks because when I was on the phone screaming to my mother I looked in my rear view mirror to see him getting pulled over. Tasty. Finally, I headed to Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday, before I left town I washed my car, stopped to see my mother and hit the road. Eleven miles later something fell off a car in front of me, then the car directly in front of me hit it, sending it flying toward my car. I hit it and some kind of vehicle fluid covered my car.

Also, taken while driving.

Awesome, fucking awesome. A giant tumbleweed blows a hole through my grill and its been down hill ever since.

- I went to see Chelsea Handler perform in Salt Lake City last Friday with friend I Heart To Fart. I love her, so much, but her show wasn’t worth $72 a ticket. P.S. I got ditched by fucking everyone that day, but I finally found a friend in my Hot-N-Ready Pizza. Apparently it was great because I woke up next to half of it wearing NOTHING but a t-shirt.

- While in Salt Lake City I went to Mini’s Cupcakes. I’ve heard good things about this place for a while so I thought I’d try it out, it sucked. You know a cupcake is bad when my fat ass won’t eat it. I tried two cupcakes, the vanilla cupcake with vanilla buttercream frosting and the red velvet cupcake (my favorite). Again, to make a long story short, I tossed them both out my car window.

- If you’ve ever wondered this is what your armpit looks like after you have laser hair removal, can you imagine getting that shit done on your Pikachu?

- Also in Salt Lake I went to a Samoan church, I knew three words.

- Mr. Coconut and I ate at a new restaurant (well, new to us) called Eggs in the City. I had the crepes (stuffed with Nutella and fresh berries, very PDX). I enjoyed them, but I think I’ll stick with my meat and potatoes. Rawr! Good for me for trying something new. Maybe I would have enjoyed my food more had I not been distracted by the fuck holes behind us talking about how drunk they were the night before? For fuck sake! Any person with half a mind can take one look at you and see that you’re a table full of wannabe, Jack Mormon, drunken whores, do you need to tell us in your fucking smoker voice? Blah.

- Today I mowed the lawn over at my moms house. Before I can mow I have to go around the yard and move shit out of the way, the hoses… Oh! Did I tell you guys that I ran over the neighbors hose a few weeks ago while chasing my dog through his yard? Well I did. I did the neighborly thing by leaving a note at his door with a chuck of hose. Luckily, he was cool about it. Moving on… So, while I was preparing to mow the lawn I started picking up my dogs poop and I found the most interesting shadoobie. I’ll admit I was fascinated by this one but I’m not sure why? Maybe I thought it was cute?

- A pumpkin update. My pumpkins are doing so well and it’s super exciting to watch them grow, but I don’t think they’ll be 600 lbs. by the time the fair rolls around in less than a month, boo. Now I have to figure out what to do with them… Don’t be surprised if you receive a smashed pumpkin pie in the mail this fall.

- I recently saw an article about ridiculous products parents purchase for their kids; here are a few of my favorites…

Deep down, I want these "plush pee and poo" pillows.  

Not gonna lie, I thought this "Daddle" was either a sex toy or a device to sexually abuse children.  Awkward.

This won't lead to your child getting the shit beat our of them in grade school, nope, not at all. 

And the award for the freakiest thing I've seen in awhile, a teddy bear made of a placenta.

- Thank you to the one fucking person who voted on the “What The Fuck Should I Do With Myself” poll. With your support I plan to become a clown car and stuff my cahootie with as many kids as I can fit.

- I ate at fucking Taco John’s twice this week! No wonder I’m horizontally challenged. Fuck my life… And fuck the number six.

Okay, you are caught up and I have soda breath, so I’m going to go brush my teeth and pass out watching my favorite show Ace of Cakes.  Boo!  It's a rerun.

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  We're getting a Big Lots,  my grandmother calls it, "Big Box."