I just started taking two dance classes through the community education program here in town. The first one is clogging and I'll be honest, it's awful. Here's why:
- The chick teaching the course is an actual teacher at a local elementary school. This means she's all soft spoken, meek, and kid loving.
- She went to BYU. Enough said.
- She chose clogging because of "the country music and modest dresses." This meant that I had to keep my hoodie on the entire time while my tits dripped a fucking man made lake in my bra.
- My classmates are between the ages of 5-10, maybe, if I'm lucky.
- There are a lot of "g-forces." In other words my flab was shaking like a fucking schizophrenic with turrets.
Anyways, I think know this class would be a ton more fun if my buddy I Heart To Fart was in it with me. He asked me a long time ago to take clogging with him and I told him I would because deep down I've always wanted to be one of those tacky Irish Dancers with the God awful shit curls. Anyways, it never worked out, which is sad because we had plans to make t-shirts reading, "Cloggers - Tap that Wood." Think dirty… Now, who wouldn't want that shirt? Anyways, I paid $30 bucks for the class so my ass is going to stick with it even though I don't want to.
The second class is belly dancing. Not gonna lie, I love it! Perhaps it's because I'm a Scorpio and we're known for being very sexual? That would explain the belly dancing, but not so much the clogging. Anyways, here's why I love it:
- It's my kind of dancing so it comes really easy to me. Confession... I think I'm the best in the class.
- I love watching the stick bitches, trained in ballet, jazz, tap or whatever try and move the curves they don't have. Yeah! Suck the butter off these rolls bitches!
- I love, love, love watching the mo mo's. You can just see the wheels in their head turning, thinking, "I can't wait to go home and spice up my dull marriage with my sassy new moves." Bitch you need to take your man to the strip club and buy him a burger and a lap dance!
So, I really like my belly dancing class and I can't wait until next week. Who knows, maybe it's my new love? And I'll be performing at your birthday party; right next to the cake I bake for you.
Also, I have tacky bedding. And I tend to wake up with random shit. For example, today I found a white sock inches from my face, the remote to the TV, my phone, my purse (With all of the crap inside dumped out), a jacket, a headband, a bra, a bag of hair ties and lent roller, and a dog leash... Oh! And a purple pen.
Finally, I am no longer a U-Tard! Check out my new license plates... Yes, I paid extra to have a baked potato on my plates. Potatoes are the shit-ness!
That is all!
Sauerkraut
P.S. My pits stink.
U-tard for life.
ReplyDeleteListen, this is a comment from a former clogger aka a Korner Kanyon Kicker to be exact! I think it's great you are giving this a whirl. I hope it turns out to be a little better as time goes on...
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I love that I'm finding out you were a clogger. What I love more is that you were a "Korner Kanyon Kicker." Also, are you aware that the acronym for Korner Kanyon Kicker is KKK?
ReplyDelete1) You clogging is just hilarious.
ReplyDelete2) Of COURSE you're the best in your belly dancing class. Honestly, that entire section had me laughing out loud.
3) I'm so glad other people wake up with random shit in their bed. Lately I've found my to-do lists on post-its, a bike light (obviously it was flashing because it's dead), and a mandarin orange. And of course, we all remember the chocolate-egg-in-my-bed incident.
4) If I pay off my student loans with this book and decide to leave Portland, let's open a shop in Boise together. We can call it The Crazy Tater. Yup.