Currently I'm stuffed in my bedroom, stalking old acquaintances on Facebook and wishing to shit my uncle would leave the house so I could sneak into the kitchen and grab a cupcake. Normally I would just do it, but I've already had two and it's bad enough my family stares at my "gut." I don't really want to confirm that my gut exists because I overeat, I'd prefer to keep it a mystery, like maybe an alien impregnated me?
Anyways, here’s the point of this post, everyone I know is getting married, except me. I want to get married… I think.
Growing up I never wanted to get married, or be a “mommy.” In fact I didn't even have a fucking Ken doll to go with my Barbie! I simply had Barbie’s… Dear Christ! I'm totally supporting my classmate’s assumptions that I'm a lesbian! Well I’m not a lesbian, nor was I ever. I simply wasn’t attracted to the guys at my high school because they were all… White. Yes, they were all really, really white. And white.
Anyways, back to the Barbie thing… When I "played with my Barbie's” I would meticulously set up their apartments, arranging the furniture perfectly, complete with a hammock in the backyard, and then… There was an earthquake that would destroy everything. Perhaps the earthquakes were childhood scars from my years in California? Anyways, there was never a boyfriend, a date, an engagement, or a wedding. So sad.
Hold please… Cupcake time… And I’m back!
I can only recall one time in my entire 20+ years that I considered marriage and a family, which is rare because I hate kids. It was years ago when I thought I had found the “love of my life,” however when someone would ask us when we were getting married I would quickly reply "never." I guess I was right because he left me, for another girl, whom he married. Perhaps my heartbreak (Yes, Sauerkraut has a feeling, but just one) is the reason I can’t say, “I do?” Not that I’ve been asked, but whatever. Or maybe it’s because I’m fat.
Do fat people get asked out? Does anyone really love a fat person? Do they get married? Do their spouses cheat on them? Most of the people I know date, get engaged, marry and then explode like a water buffalo. Well, I'm already the water buffalo! Not to mention I’m old as shit! So am I double fucked?
Maybe it’s not marriage that I want. Maybe what I want is: an honest, communicative, loyal guy (brown or black) that loves me just the way I am, which is psycho. Someone who can start a life with me, make me laugh all the freaking time and wants to stick around for the long haul. Someone who will always be there in an emergency, be my travel companion, host holiday parties with me, and watch reality TV with me on the couch.
But as it stands no one will marry me, not even I Heart To Fart. I suggested that he marry me because “I’m really good at cleaning the house, he wouldn't have to have sex with me and that I've already smelled his farts," but I got no reply.
In fact! I can’t even score a date with Nick Lachey in my dreams! Suck fuck.
That is all.
Sauerkraut
How did I miss this post? It's hilarious, partly because you are the funniest person I know, and partly because I can totally related. I'll never get married, either, and I'd love a partner in crime. Sad us.
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