Busy Weekend

Sauerkraut Here!

I have a bunch to write about…

- I left Boise on Sunday, Fathers Day and I didn’t post because I was home and nothing ever happens around here.

- A Father’s Day conversation with my grandfather…

Sauerkraut: “Hi grandpa! Happy Father’s Day.”

Grandpa: “I wish you wouldn’t call so early, it’s an inconvenience… I have to get out of the chair to answer the phone. What’d you get me?”

Sauerkraut: “I didn’t get you anything because you said you didn’t want to celebrate Father’s Day.”

Grandpa: “Well, everyone says they don’t want a present, but they do.”

Sauerkraut: “So, what do you get the guy who has everything?”

Grandpa: “Well a good granddaughter would know, Tawny (my cousin) got me a card.”

Sauerkraut: “I bet she did.”

I also got him a card...

Yeah...  I won.

- This bike sat in front of my grandparents house for days.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.

- The mother of a little boy I taught swim lessons to, brought me this plate of brownies, how cute is that?

- On Thursday it was Mr. Coconut’s company party at Lagoon. I go to this awful event every year and I know I only get invited so I can watch Mr. Coconut’s kids. Super fun. This year was just like the others, miserable. It was hot, stuffed with people; mostly kids (gag barf) and I spent the entire day watching others have fun. Neat O.

As always a child went missing. The past two years it’s been Mr. Coconut’s daughter, Snow, but this year it was Aaliyah (she’s related to Mr. Coconut, I just don’t know how). The two girls went off to ride some rides together when Snow decided she didn’t want to ride the ride that Aaliyah picked out, so she ditched her. Snow told us that Aaliyah went with Mr. Coconut’s sister but come to find out that was a lie. So, the search for Aaliyah was on. Sadly, I wasn’t panicked, at all, thanks to my previous experience locating missing children in amusement parks.

While Mr. Coconut’s sister reported Aaliyah to security I walked around the amusement park, my eagle eye spotted her in about 20 minutes. Poor thing was sitting near the front gates, balling her little eyes out. From that moment on Snow was not allowed to ride on any rides and I didn’t feel bad cutting her off.

- Because Mr. Coconut didn’t feed his children until Noon on Friday, I gave his youngest a blue “lollipop,” AKA a Popsicle. Like most 3-year-olds, she spilled it all over her white shirt and brand new tutu. So I could wash them I made her take off her clothes and she cried, telling her dad I was “mean” for taking her tutu. Not gonna lie, it hurt my little feeling.

The guy that owns this place used to sell waffles at the farmers market, now he opened a little shop across the street from the farmers market, good for him. 

- I really wanted to go to the farmers market on Saturday morning but Mr. Coconut didn’t want to go with me because he doesn’t understand “what is to do there? Look at vegetables and craft crap?” Honestly, I’d rather go by myself than be with someone who is miserable. However, at the last minute I thought my friend Portia might want to join me, indeed she did. We spent the next three hours wandering the market admiring the vegetables and craft crap. Here’s what I spent money I don’t have on…

This little plant is called a bear paw because that's what it looks like, a bear paw.  How cute is that?

This is one of my favorite plants in the world.  It's called a Crown of Thorns.  Supposedly, this is the plant that was used to create the crown of thorns that Jesus wore at his crucifixion.  There are two colors, red and white.  They say that the red plant represents the blood Jesus shed.  Although, I'm not very religious, I adore the story.  

A new favorite... String of pearls.  For the record, these are not organic anal beads, do not attempt. 

- Also on Saturday, I went to Mr. Coconut’s friends, fathers, 50th birthday party. Does that make sense? I was the only white person in attendance. As if that weren’t bad enough I spilled my water everywhere and then dropped my plate of food, I’m sure I’ll be invited back.

- My dog is ripping ass… And they stink.

- I also had to go to the 50th birthday party of Mr. Coconut’s boss. Pretty much as soon as we got there Mr. Coconut started drinking and shortly after he went to the bathroom… For a hot 20 minutes. Yup, he abandons me with a bunch of old, drunks who were smoking cigars (barf), so I ditched his ass, in his car.

I decided I wanted to go ice blocking with my friends and when I called to tell him where I was going he was, “having a blast!” In other words, he was wasted.

After ice blocking I sent Mr. Coconut a text asking him if he was okay, no response. I called him seven times over the next few hours before I decided to go look for him. Well I found him… Around Midnight, slumped over in a chair at the end of his bosses driveway, wearing his sunglasses and a shit ton of vomit.

For the record, this is the drunkest I’ve ever seen Mr. Coconut. I took off his sunglasses, woke him up and supported him while he gimped to the car. When we got to his house I made him take off all of his vomit soaked clothes when I noticed that he was so drunk he forgot to button/zip up his pants. However, he wasn’t too drunk to do up his belt, but his underwear’s were out for the whole world to see.

Yes, he passed out with one eye open and that's a chunk of barf on the tip of his nose...

He will kill me if he knows I posted this photo. 

I was going to throw away his clothes, but instead I saved them for proof. I slept on the couch, just in case he wasn’t done barfing. I hope he still has a job?

Did I go too far?  Sorry.

- I went ice blocking, fell off my block, several times and now my shorts are ruined and my ass is bruised.

- When I got back to Idaho the cutest little dog approached me, he was lost. So, before I went inside the house I had to rescue him. Turns out he was very far from home.

- Yesterday I woke up to my grandfather hammering a chunk of the countertop off with a hammer. I didn’t ask questions.

- Yesterday, when I went outside I was met with two more dogs, they were also lost. I’m just wondering, do these fucking dogs just know to come find me when they’re lost?

My new friend, Tyson.

- On the way home from the pool yesterday I passed a truck with a pair of balls hanging from its hitch, I thought that was neat.

A well-hung handicap, cool beans!

- My dog has noisy gas.

- I made red velvet cupcakes; I’ve been craving them for days. Here’s what I’ve learned, I prefer red velvet cupcakes made from scratch, not the box.

- I just spent 20 minutes talking to the guy that brings oxygen to my grandmother.

- Mr. Coconut didn't believe me when I told him I would take a photo of him and his big bugger if he didn't get off his XBox and blow his nose.  Here's a photo of him trying to block the photo with his hand... It didn't work.  He should have blown his nose. 

The head!  The head!  

I swear I'm going to be the next head for posting this picture!

That is all.

Sauerkraut

P.S.  My grandpa called the police and had them pick up the bike... Let's be honest, a stolen bike was probably the biggest crime of the week.